3 days in

I’m 3 days back at work now.  I have been really cranky and frustrated.  I think I’m worried about a lot of things and have not been able to concentrate.  Today especially I am off and everything seems to be going wrong.  The most annoying thing is that I have been doing what others have suggested to me and its not helping.

The right things I have been doing . . .

  • calling my sponsor
  • praying to my High Power (I’m even on my knees at night before bed)
  • reading Daily Reflections
  • going to meetings
  • eating balanced meals suggested by the nutritionist
  • paying my past due balances
  • working out
  • being responsible for my health, my car, and my apartment

Then all these dumb things are happening causing me stress

  • parking ticket
  • misplaced parking decal
  • bad credit score due to past due accounts
  • broke due to mismanaging my funds
  • unhealthy lunch due to cafe being closed
  • uncertainty where I’m gonna live in a month

I have more to add to my list but my brain is not functioning. I’m really bored at work. I can feel my throat starting to hurt and I’m afraid I may be getting sick.

The weather is being reported as more snow. I am hoping for enough that work will be closed tomorrow.

Its a family thing

So, I’ve already got a preview of the holidays with my family this past weekend.  I’m not looking forward to going back to my parents on the 23rd.  I do love them but it gets very emotional and frustrating for me.  When I’m at my mom and dad’s, it’s my parents, my two brothers, my brother’s wife and son, and 5 dogs.  There is no privacy, no peace. 

Since my brother beat me to the punch getting married and having a kid, he gets my old bedroom.  Over Thanksgiving, I slept in the basement and ended up with a horrible cold for my birthday.  After some bitching and moaning, my parents invested in a cot for the spare room. It wasn’t too bad, but still in the main hub of all the action.

This weekend was an onslaught of sweets and high calorie foods, mixed with comments like “you shouldn’t be eating that.”  The sweets lead to a chronic stomach ache followed by depression and hiding out under the covers.

Before leaving my mom left with an encouraging comment, “that coat isn’t too flattering on you.” Normally my mom is sweet and comforting, so I’m not sure what bug was up her a$s.

This past weekend, I only spent time with my father’s side.  So it was not too painful. For actual Christmas, we go to my mother’s family.  All her sisters are built the same way with thinner arms and legs and round Santa bellies.  I myself have developed into this shape, which I believe is the hardest shape to change.  Now granted, none of them are thin/eating healthy/working out, but all of them comment feel it necessary to comment on my waist and extra pounds.  This comes after years of being “too skinny” and being tormented for that.

The worst are my cousins who are around my age and always have an underhanded comment.  The one I’m dreading most is my cousin Katie who is my age and 8 months pregnant with her second child.  Rumor from my aunt, who gets her hair done by Katie, is that she looks great and doesn’t even look pregnant from the back. Just what I wanted to hear. 

The holidays use to be tolerable when I could self medicate with booze.  Being that I can no longer turn to that vice, I need to prepare myself and remain positive.  I know my Higher Power will guide me through it.  It’s only one day out of 365.  I’ve made it through holidays before and I may just be getting ahead of myself :-/

Beginning the Blog

So, I have had my blog set up for close to a week now yet have not posted anything.  I am trying to kill time before my work holiday party, so no time like now to get my blogging up and running.

I guess I’ll start with a little about me…

I was thin my entire life.  I was blessed with a high metabolism.  At 5′6″, I weighed 100lbs during highschool and the first couple of years at college. I ate and drank whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted.  It was great. The nurses in highschool actually thought I had an eating disorder which was far from the truth (if they could see me now).

In college, I gained a little more than the freshman 15, but being so petite when I went in the weight looked good on me.  I started to obsess at this point that I wasn’t a hundred pounds anymore, but didn’t do much to change my diet or exercise.

It would be good to also note that I suffered from depression and untreated alcoholism for most of my life.  I had(have) low self-esteem from childhood. Nothing I can blame on my mom and my dad; it was more from friends, classmates and extended family.  I started drinking at the age of 13 to numb my feeling for the next 15+ years of my life.  Then I started dating at the age of 17 going from one bad relationship to the next.  Needless to say, I was always looking to fill a void with in me, either it be alcohol, gambling, men, spending, or what brings me here today FOOD.

In 2008, I stopped drinking booze and picked up food.  You would think I’d of lost weight with the elimination of alcohol and all the calories it contains.  This was not the case.  When I drank, I’d be out late nights on the dance floor making an A$S out of myself and eating a minimal amount of food because I was normally sick to my stomach or sleeping through meals to recover from the night before.  Since alcohol is a sugar, my body craved sugar and was determined to find it in other sources.  I put down the bottle and picked up the donuts.  It also didn’t help that I was dating a Jewish guy who over ate and lived with his mother who always made a 5 course meal. 

Looking back it doesn’t surprise me I gained over 30lbs in a 2 year period.  The relationship ended with the Jewish guy, I hit a bad depression around my 29th birthday, I took up drinking again, got involved with a drug addict who became more like a son than a boyfriend, and continued to consume sugar and fried food at unhealthy levels.

I was miserable.  I was constantly (and still hear it now) being asked if I was pregnant.  I was drink to numb my feelings and spending money I didn’t have gambling online and at various casinos near my apartment and parents’ house. I decided I needed to do something.

I found a holistic rehab in North Miami Beach, FL.  The program believed in a healing the Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Besides addressing my issues with alcohol and gambling, they also provided a healthy diet and exercise program.  I knew this was the place I needed to go.

I was always putting other people and things before myself.  This had to stop and going away for 28 days to learn a better way of living was the starting point for me.  I got the time off from work to go to FL for the month of September and work on myself.  It was a very challenging at first and I spent the first two weeks crying that I wanted to go home.  I did make it and it was the start of my journey in recovery from my addictions.

I’m happy to say that since I have not had a drink of alcohol.  I have gotten sloppy with my eating and exercising, but have seen great improvements from the time I went.  The gambling pokes its ugly head now and again. Overall I am making progress.

Its progress, not perfection and as my sponsor would say I’M DOING IT!

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