Hi everyone, I haven’t posted on this blog in well over a year. In fact, it took some doing just to re-set the password but I won’t get into that now.
I had almost forgotten all about my blog, it seems like a whole different life ago that I began it. And reading my posts now, I am so ashamed. I see everything that I couldn’t when I first wrote them, everything the people around me were trying to protect me from. I see a naive young girl slipping into a dark and dangerous eating disorder which she can’t control. Because that is who I was.
Go ahead, take a good long look at my blog entries. Disturbing aren’t they? I honestly cannot believe they were written by me. They stop just before I reached my “target” of 100lbs but unfortunately that isn’t where my weight loss finished. Things got worse and worse until I was eating a maximum of 300 calories a day and exercising 4 hours at least despite bearly being able to stand without fainting. I reached a BMI of 13.8, I was a walking skeleton but I still didn’t see how thin I was.
Eventually, I stopped eating altogether and landed myself a place in hospital. I found out that my heart wasn’t working properly and I was in severe danger of dying.
People on this site told me I would gain the weight right back. If only that was true! My body was so malnourished I had to eat 2400 calories a day to gain even half a pound a week. It was the most miserable time of my life and I have only myself to blaim. I did not listen to my friends, my family, even people commenting on my blog. And as a result I have been out of education for months and seen my whole life torn apart before my eyes.
This is just a post to say: I’m sorry. I don’t know if anyone will read this, least of all those of you who commented before. But I feel I owe the World an apology for my selfish actions. I am doing much better now and have gained 20lbs despite still being underweight but I won’t pretend that it wasn’t through lack of fighting. I want to be well again, I want to get my period back and I want to lead a normal life.
I guess this is also a warning to anyone about to go on a crazy diet like I did. Just don’t. Ok? Don’t. I know that I’m not one to talk and if my 14 year old self read this, she would probably shrug it off. But I hope it reaches someone, somewhere who will benefit from it.
Thanks for listening to my little rant. I know this isn’t really a “diet blog” entry but I felt it was worth saying anyway. I wish you all the best on your journey.
Posted on January 28th, 2014 by izzyd07
Filed under: My Boring Old Life