First Post in a Looong time and a Warning

Hi everyone, I haven’t posted on this blog in well over a year. In fact, it took some doing just to re-set the password but I won’t get into that now.

I had almost forgotten all about my blog, it seems like a whole different life ago that I began it. And reading my posts now, I am so ashamed. I see everything that I couldn’t when I first wrote them, everything the people around me were trying to protect me from. I see a naive young girl slipping into a dark and dangerous eating disorder which she can’t control. Because that is who I was.

Go ahead, take a good long look at my blog entries. Disturbing aren’t they? I honestly cannot believe they were written by me. They stop just before I reached my “target” of 100lbs but unfortunately that isn’t where my weight loss finished. Things got worse and worse until I was eating a maximum of 300 calories a day and exercising 4 hours at least despite bearly being able to stand without fainting. I reached a BMI of 13.8, I was a walking skeleton but I still didn’t see how thin I was.

Eventually, I stopped eating altogether and landed myself a place in hospital. I found out that my heart wasn’t working properly and I was in severe danger of dying.

People on this site told me I would gain the weight right back. If only that was true! My body was so malnourished I had to eat 2400 calories a day to gain even half a pound a week. It was the most miserable time of my life and I have only myself to blaim. I did not listen to my friends, my family, even people commenting on my blog. And as a result I have been out of education for months and seen my whole life torn apart before my eyes.

This is just a post to say: I’m sorry. I don’t know if anyone will read this, least of all those of you who commented before. But I feel I owe the World an apology for my selfish actions. I am doing much better now and have gained 20lbs despite still being underweight but I won’t pretend that it wasn’t through lack of fighting. I want to be well again, I want to get my period back and I want to lead a normal life.

I guess this is also a warning to anyone about to go on a crazy diet like I did. Just don’t. Ok? Don’t. I know that I’m not one to talk and if my 14 year old self read this, she would probably shrug it off. But I hope it reaches someone, somewhere who will benefit from it.

Thanks for listening to my little rant. I know this isn’t really a “diet blog” entry but I felt it was worth saying anyway. I wish you all the best on your journey.

Back On Plan

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Lunch: Weight Watchers chicken noodle soup - 51 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Dinner: Half a Weight Watchers ocean pie - 150 calories (probably less as the whole thing was 196 calories).

Total consumed: 384 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 3 - 117 calories.
Couch to 5k week 4 - 139 calories.
Treadmill - 525 calories.

Total burned: 781 calories.

Net: Minus 397 calories.

Well, my net calories is a negative number again and I guess that’s good. As of today I’m over half way through level 3 of the 30ds (4 more days to go!) although I’ll probably keep doing it on a daily basis after my ten days are up until it becomes less of a challenge. Then I might move in on Ripped in 30… Although I did more exercise today I still don’t think that it’s enough. I wanted to use the treadmill again but of course came up against my mum’s “no more than three sessions of exercise a day” rule.

Ugh it makes me feel so lazy to just sit around all day doing nothing. I feel physically fatter this week, as if I’ve gained weight and tomorrow I have to weigh in which is freaking me out. Just so long as I’ve lost that 0.4kg (0.8lb) I’ll be happy.

My mum’s been making cryptic comments about my weight loss lately, like: “And then you can start to eat again”, “when you’re back in the land of the eating…”, “make sure you eat enough”, “you don’t have to starve yourself” and “have a potato - very low in calories”. At dinner today she looked on disapprovingly and pretty much refused to talk at all while I ate, it was as if she was on the verge of a meltdown. Also, she seems to be under the impression that once I hit 45kg (100lb) I’ll stop losing weight. Oh no, no, no, no. My target is 42.5kg (93.7lb) or at highest 43kg (94.8lb) so I can see some very fun arguments coming up in the not so distant future.

Boxing Day

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Lunch: Weight Watchers chicken, leek and potato soup - 96 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Dinner: Half a Weight Watchers macceroni cheese - 200 calories.

Total consumed: 346 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 3 - 117 calories.

Net: 229 calories.

We spent last night at my uncle and aunt’s house so I had to sleep on a sofa in the same room as my brother. Every time I was about to go to sleep he began snoring and nothing I tried (piling blankets over my head, sticking cotton wool into my ears and eventually screaming “SHUT UP!” at thin air) would block out the sound. So as you can imagine I was awake all night. Which was fun.

There was Special K for breakfast but no skimmed milk and I don’t think I would have been allowed to measure out my portion size (the very idea of guessing makes me nervous) so instead I had a cup of green tea while everyone else inhaled bacon, eggs, toast, sausages, pancakes, maple syrup etc. Luckily I found a box of carrot sticks in the car which I had packed for the drive yesterday and was able to eat that as a kind of substitute breakfast.

There was solid traffic throughout pretty much the entire journey back and what should have been a four hour drive stretched on and on and on. My mum and brother ate endless turkey sandwiches and jaffa cakes but I was forced to wait until we finally got home for my soup by which time it was long after lunch.

I did do the 30ds today but was so tired that I don’t think I pushed myself anywhere near hard enough. Then to make matters worse my mum wouldn’t let me go on the treadmill because apparently I’m “exhausted” and “haven’t eaten enough”. It makes me want to sit down and cry.

Actually I do feel pretty ill although I’d never give her the satisfaction of knowing. I’m freezing cold, I think I’ve somehow pulled a muscle in my back from doing the 30ds and I can barely keep my eyes open. But that’s no excuse for not exercising and I’m on the verge of a panic attack because I know I’m going to regret this come Friday’s weigh-in. However if I even try to get on that treadmill my mum says she’ll unplug it. This is just so, so, so unbelievably unfair.

At dinner I ate less than half a 352 calorie meal so I guess my intake for today is probably lower than I estimated. That had better make up for how lazy I’m being. I’m so worried and stressed out about this, I don’t think I can take my net calories being positive for one more day.

Merry Christmas All!

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Lunch: One slice of turkey - 22 calories.
1tbsp boiled carrots - 3 calories.
Snack: green tea - 1 calorie.

Total consumed: 184 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 3 - 117 calories.

Total burned: 117 calories.

Net: 67 calories.

As you can see I managed to eat next to nothing at Christmas dinner. Go me! I had to use myfitnesspal to work out my calories and I think it probably underestimated but to compensate I entered in a larger quantity of food. In actuality I ate only half a slice of turkey and definitely less than a tablespoon of carrots so my estimated calories is probably about accurate. In fact I’m proud to say that I consumed considerably less even than my seven year old cousins! Everyone around me was loading up their plates with mountains of roast turkey, parsnips, potatos, peas, brussel sprouts, sausages, bacon, carrots, cranberry sauce, bread sauce, gravy… And the list goes on. Then there was the fizzy drinks, chocolates, crisps, salted peanuts, brownies, trifle, Christmas pudding, chocolate log and of course the massive chocolate reindeer given to me by my aunt. But I firmly refused it all. An added bonus was that there was no dinner because everyone else was too stuffed from lunch so I probably ended up eating less today despite it being Christmas!

My low calorie intake hopefully made up for the lack of exercise I was able to do. I woke up at seven this morning and did manage to complete level 3 of the 30ds before we left but that was pretty much it. Unless you count the short walk after Christmas dinner as being any sort of physical exertion… Which I certainly don’t.

Now I’ve never been one of those kids who received piles of presents under the Christmas tree or had three chocolate countdown calenders to themself every December. This year, like all others, I had a traditional picture advent calender with images of the nativity scene behind each door. Even as a child I found immense excitement in revealing a new picture each morning which I don’t think would really have been possible when unwrapping chocolates - why not just buy a selection box? My presents this year roughly amounted to a grand total of £25 from my mum and two lots of £15 (one from each pair of my uncles and aunts). Oh and two cheap bath bombs from “Santa”. But I’m not complaining, I have more than so many people in the World and I am fully aware of how incredibly fortunate I am. I could not truly picture Christmas any other way and don’t think I’d be more content with vast numbers of material gifts. On the contrary, I like to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas: on the birth of Jesus Christ and to give thanks for the miracle we celebrate on this special day. God bless

Happy Christmas Eve Everybody!

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Lunch: Weight Watchers chicken soup - 92 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Dinner: Half a Weight Watchers classic cottage pie - 200 calories.

Total consumed: 474 calories.

Exercise:

30 Day Shred level 3 - 117 calories.
Treadmill - 500 calories.
Treadmill - 535 calories.

Total burned: 1152 calories.

Net: Minus 678 calories.

Happy Christmas Eve - only one more sleep until Christmas! However despite the date I didn’t give myself a free pass to slack off today and for that I’m proud. I pushed even harder with the 30ds and was able to complete most of Natalie’s moves even in the last stregnth circuit which pretty much killed me. I weighed my feet down and followed Anita during the minute of situps and though it was a struggle I didn’t stop so officially did better than yesterday!

Dinner was a Weight Watcher’s cottage pie which in total contained 342 calories although I was smart and ate less than half therefore probably consumed less than my estimated 200 calories for the meal. As I sat down to eat, my mum took one look at my plate, sighed deeply and remarked on how “I can’t wait until you start eating properly again”. Eating properly? This is coming from the woman who guzzles cake, chocolate and at least one kitkat on a daily basis. I don’t know who exactly is eating properly here but it certainly isn’t her! Agreed, my portion sizes are marginally smaller but I think my stomach has fully adapted to the change and I actually felt stuffed after eating that bowl of soup for lunch, which, might I add, contained way too many calories. Frankly it makes me naseous just typing up that awful “92″ but it was the lowest calorie meal we had in the house and my mum was watching so I just had to suck it up (literally!).

I baked some more cupcakes for my family today and can proudly say that I wasn’t tempted in the slightest to sample even a crumb. I guess it’s true what they say, sugar cravings do disappear over time. Unfortunately, the icing my mum brought which promised to cover 10 cupcakes was only enough for six. On closer inspection, that’s because I was using muffin cases instead of cupcake cases so the cakes ended up being larger. However the icing ran out just as I was getting the hang of piping it and so I only succeeded in making two pretty cupcakes. I spread some chocolate frosting over the remainder of the cakes and though the end result was ugly it will probably please my brother who is a major chocoholic!

Here’s a picture of the only cupcake I’m not slightly ashamed to show you (yes, I’m a perfectionist - so bite me!):

It’s Christmas Eve Eve!

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Lunch: Weight Watchers carrot and lentil soup - 87 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Dinner - Half a Weight Watchers creamy ham and mushroom tagliatelle - 200 calories.

Total consumed: 470 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 3 - 117 calories.
Couch to 5k week 4 - 139 calories.
Treadmill - 501 calories.

Total burned: 757 calories.

Net: Minus 287 calories.

I think I did better with the 30ds today because I pushed myself to do more of the un-modified moves and as a result got more of a workout. However it really frustrates me that I can’t do the required one minute of situps. I just feel so inadequate and lazy! Tomorrow, I’ve decided to try weighing my feet down and performing as many of the modified version as I can then substituting the rest with a different abs exercise so I’m not just lying around feeling worthless.

I progressed to week four of my couch to 5K running programme today. I was a little nervous but suprisingly almost breezed through it. I guess all those sessions on the treadmill are finally starting to pay off!

Yet again I poured a yoghurt and blended banana down the sink which means so far I’ve managed to avoid eating any of my mum’s “compulsory” snacks this holiday. Let’s see how long I can keep this up. I just realised that all the Weight Watchers meals my mum has been buying are waaay too high in calories which is probably a deliberate move on her part. Dinner this evening contained a staggering 332 calories but I made sure to eat less than half. Ha! I’ve also gone through all the Weight Watchers ready meals avaliable on the Tesco website and made a list of the ones I want her to buy in descending order (lowest calorie products at the top of course). Now she has absolutely no excuses.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve but that doesn’t mean I can take a break. Oh no, in fact I’ll need to ensure that I work harder than ever. We’re leaving for my Uncle and Aunt’s house on Christmas morning and coming back Boxing day afternoon therefore I have to eat lunch, dinner and breakfast there. However I do have Christmas lunch figured out: one skinless slice of turkey breast with three vegetables of my choice or less (I have made a list of potential suspects and worked out which contain the least calories). No gravy, no yorkshire puddings, no bread sauce, no trimmings FULL STOP. And certainly no dessert or fizzy drinks. Dinner might be a little more difficult to manouver as I have no idea what will be served but I guess I’ll try to eat as little as possible and hope. It might be too much to expect them to have Special K and skimmed milk for breakfast but I may be able to eat a little cereal or nothing at all depending on the options avaliable to me. As far as exercise goes, I can probably do the 30 Day Shred on Christmas morning and Boxing day evening. I might also be able to use my treadmill on Boxing Day depending on what time we get back. Arrgh this is stressful, I’m simply going to have to do my best under the circumstances.

Happy Christmas-Eve-Eve!

Calories and The 30 Day Shred Update

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk -158 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Lunch: Weight Watchers tomato and basil soup - 77 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Dinner- Half a Weight Watchers salmon in sweet soya sauce - 160 calories (probably less because the whole meal contained 262 calories).

Total consumed: 421 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 3 - 117 calories.
Treadmill - 460 calories.
Treadmill - 500 calories.

Total burned: 1077 calories.

Net: Minus 656 calories.

I’m calling this my first proper day of the 30ds level 3 because yesterday I was just getting the feel of it and consequently didn’t push myself as hard as I perhaps should have. Today though, I used heavier weights and where possible performed some un-modified moves. However I had to follow Anita for most exercises, especially those which involved holding a plank position. The first stregnth circuit was a killer but it was the minute of sit ups which really got me. Even performing the modified version was a struggle but I’m proud that I managed it as I’ve never even come close to being able to do a situp before in my life! Again, I’m not sure I worked as hard as I did during level 2 however I know that as I become more accustomed to these new moves I will become capable of pushing myself harder. The nice thing about level 3 is that since this is the final workout, I have all the time in the world to master it and believe me I intend to, whether it takes me ten days or another twenty!

I again succeeded in breaking my mum’s 800-calories-a-day-rule by rinsing a banana and yoghurt down the sink today. I only hope I can keep this up but I forsee a problem when the plumbing becomes blocked as a result…

Weekly Weigh-in and It’s The End of The World!

My calorie intake for today:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Lunch: Weight Watchers tomato soup - 76 calories.
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.
Dinner: Beef and asparagus stir fry - 200 calories.

Total consumed: 459 calories.

Exercise:

Couch to 5k running programme week 3 - 120 calories.
Treadmill - 460 calories.
30ds level 3 - 117 calories.

Total burned: 697 calories.

Net: Minus 238 calories.

Well, today is Friday and you all know what that means… Yep, it’s weigh-in time. Having set myself a target of 47kg (103.6lbs) for this week I was beyond nervous only to discover that I in fact beat my goal! I now weigh 46.4kg (102.3lbs) which means I’ve lost 1.6kg (3.5lbs) in seven days, putting my total weight loss so far at 5.6kg (12.3lbs), all in only 3 or 4 weeks! Right now I’m 1.4kg (3lbs) away from my target weight of 45kg (100lbs) and I’m begining to believe in myself just a little more.

As far as exercise goes, today was ok. My mum wouldn’t let me use the treadmill twice because apparently I’m not allowed to do more than three sessions of exercise. But whatever, it was the first day of my Christmas holidays and I suppose I deserve a break. I completed the first day of the 30ds level 3, doing all the modified moves and using lighter weights to help me get accustomed to the workout. It felt difficult and I was certainly quite red in the face once I had finished but I know I didn’t push myself to the same extent as I did in level 2. Although that makes me a little disppointed I had expected it and now I have a better understanding of what Jillian is asking me to do in this level, tomorrow I will be able to step it up with heavier weights and do more of the non-modified moves. Hopefully doing the Couch to 5k programme helped to balance out any excess calories I did not manage to burn off with the 30ds. Speaking of which, I couldn’t find an equation to figure out exactly how many calories I burned doing level 3 but I estimate it to be about the same as for level 2 given that the workout has become harder but I am now lighter which ought to make it easier.

For dinner my mum asked me to cook for her and my brother so I couldn’t eat my usual Weight Watcher’s meal. However, I chose a recipe containing 200 calories per serving and made sure to measure myself out exactly one portion. I probably ended up eating more than on most nights and very almost had a panic attack but on the other hand anything that means my mum will leave me alone for a while is worth it. I also succeeded in rinsing a banana and yoghurt down the sink so I again managed to evade my mum’s 800 calories a day rule.

With Christmas coming up and being under my mum’s close watch I do not expect to lose much this week at all. In fact I’d be happy to shed 0.4kg (0.8lbs) therefore I think that will be my goal for next weigh-in. I just have to keep reminding myself I am doing well to be dieting at the moment whatsoever. My friend who is also attempting to lose weight (I’ve mentioned her a few times previously) has given up on calorie restrictions and exercise right now as she hopes to just to maintain her weight over Christmas. However I try to think about it like this: every pound (or even 0.1 of a pound) counts and wasted time is never recovered which leads only to pointless regrets.

Before I go I’d like to point out that I’m still alive - and so are you! The Mayans were wrong! Well, the day’s not strictly speaking over yet but I think I’m due a little premature celebration. Happy Not-The-End-of-The-World folks :)

Why I’m Losing Weight

So I just realised that I’ve never written a post on my reasons for dieting and I figured I should give it a shot. See I’ve never liked my own body, always felt awkward and wanted to hide away. While I wasn’t classified as overweight I had the common sense to realise that my life style wasn’t healthy: sitting on my but all day snacking on sweets, chocolates, crisps and watching endless daytime tv. Where was the exercise? Where was the portion control? I would stand in front of the mirror and look away after about two seconds flat promising myself that tommorow I would start dieting, then go and stuff my face with comfort food to fill the emptiness inside me. But tomorrow never came.

I went on countless “diets” which basically involved eating nothing for maybe a few days until I broke down and binged. There was no planning, no exercise and as a result no weight loss. I was so fixated on shedding the pounds in a lazy way that I even spent a ridiculous amount of momey on some diet pills though in the end realised they would probably do me more harm than good and didn’t take any. Through all of this did I for one moment realise that all I had to do was eat less and exercise more? No. It seems I couldn’t see the wood for the trees or maybe I just didn’t want to put in the effort.

Then something happened. My friend (who is actually classified as obese) went on a diet. And lost weight. She was doing something that I had always dreamed about and it inspired me. I brought the 30 Day Shred which she was doing, started the same running programme, saved up for a treadmill, begun making my own meals and downloaded myfitnesspal to monitor my calories. And guess what? I lost weight. I never thought it would be so easy, never thought I could do this. Hell, I never thought I could feel full and still be on a diet!

Yes, it is hard. But whenever I feel like throwing in the towel I think back to that girl standing alone in front of the mirror. How could I let her down? How could I let my future self down? Because I’m not happy with my body now and if I stop dieting I never will be. So I’ll carry on wishing I could lose weight, keep trying new crash diets. But I’ll never be truly comfortable in my own skin. Now I have a chance to acheive what I have always dreamed of and I’m going to grab it with both hands.

A Healthy Cinema Outing (yes, you heard right!)

Today’s calorie intake:

Breakfast: 30g Special K with 125ml skimmed milk - 158 calories.
Green tea - 1 calorie.
Lunch: Weight Watchers tomato soup - 76 calories.
Dinner: Half a Weight Watchers chicken chop suey - 150 calories (probably less as the entire meal contained 203 calories).
Snack: 60g carrot sticks - 24 calories.

Total consumed: 409 calories.

Exercise:

30ds level 2 - 117 calories.
Treadmill - 450 calories.

Total burned: 567 calories.

Net: Minus 158 calories.

Well, the Christmas holidays have finally begun! And as today was the last half day of school my classmates brought in even MORE food. The temptations had begun before I’d even set foot on school premises when my friend offered me a brownie on the bus at 7:50 am this morning! Throughout the day various baked goods including cupcakes (a personal weakness of mine), cookies, tray bake and cake were passed around in addition to the usual store - brought crisps, chocolates and sweets. But it didn’t stop there! Oh no, I was given a huge lindor chocolate santa, a packet of maltesers, a multi-pack of magic stars and several christmas cards containing chocolate coins and quality streets. In fact I think the only non-edible gift I received was a cupcake shaped bath bomb and that too was modelled on food! Even my friend who is also dieting succumbed and ate a cupcake plus a few crisps and chocolates. Yet somehow I again found the stregnth to persevere and not a single morsel passed my lips.

School ended at 1:00 pm today so I ate lunch at home but as you can see from my calorie intake, I was still able to pack the snacks given to me by my mum for “break” and throw them in the bin later.

This afternoon I went to the cinema with my mum and brother to watch “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”. I love, love, love Tolkein so I was pretty excited for this film. Yes, I do realise that I’m a nerd at heart. But I can’t help it, I read The Hobbit for the first time when I was eight or nine and The Lord of The Rings a year later and haven’t been able to put them down since! I also enjoyed the three Lord of The Rings movies so therefore was ecstatic to find out that Peter Jackson was filming The Hobbit. And thankfully it more than lived up to my expectations! The only problem? Well we all know what eye wateringly unhealthy snacks are avaliable at cinemas nowadays and unfortunately I also happen to have a soft spot for these treats. Especially slushies and popcorn… Mmmmm. However, instead of gorging myself on junk food I brought my portion of carrot sticks into the movie theatre with me. Sure, I could smell the large salted popcorn my brother was eating and if I’m honest did feel a little jealous (until I looked up its nutritional information and found that it contained a whopping 1,300 calories!) but to be honest was so focused on the film that I barely noticed I was munching on carrots instead. Wow, a healthy cinema experience. Now that’s something to be proud of!

By the time we got back home it was 6:30 and there wasn’t really time for me to watch through level 3 of the 30ds then complete it afterwards as well. Besides, I was a little disoriented and didn’t push myself hard enough on the first day of level 1 or 2 so I expect the first day of level 3 to be the same and with my weigh-in coming up on Friday I need to get the most I can out of my workouts. Therefore in the end I stuck with doing an eleventh day of level 2 instead of moving on up to level 3.

Despite it being late I also managed to do a session on the treadmill this evening and burned 10 more calories than I did yesterday which has put my mind at rest regarding the 30ds. I also ate less for dinner today in preparation for the snacks I know I will have to eat tomorrow while under my mum’s watch. Although if I can get up early in the morning I might be able to blend up a banana and rinse it down the sink plus do the same with a yoghurt so she thinks that I’ve eaten my 800 calories for the day. I’m doubtful as to whether I’ll be able to pull it off though. Maybe I will manage to get in an extra session on the treadmill to compensate (if she doesn’t stop me on the grounds of “too much exercise”, that is).