I sat down tonight to write in my blog, and then couldn’t think of what to say. Anything different in my life, nope. Same old same old.
Work, eat, sleep, and then work some more. sigh!
I think I am getting so frustrated with the home renovations that I am not even enjoying my days off anymore. I look around the house and all I see is a mess. Nothing is where it should be, not one surface is bare, there is junk everywhere. All I want to do is to be able to put things away, dust and wash the floors, set up my office again so I am not sitting on a hard chair in the corner of the dining room surrounded by a mess…OMG, there is dust all over my keyboard. I have a day off and all I can think of is, I NEED to wash my floors, I NEED to clean, I NEED my organized life back. I want my lists and everything where it should be, and I feel so out of control. My house is changing and everything is not where it should be and I want to run away and never go back..My DH keeps saying, “there is not much more to go and we will be finished” And then he sits and watches TV amid the mess and stuffs hamburgers and fries in his mouth, and I am thinking, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING THERE WATCHING THE FOOKIN TV FOR WHEN THERE IS A DAMN HOUSE TO FINISH!!!! HOW MANY DAYS DOES IT TAKE TO LAY A FOOKIN FLOOR? Can he not see that this is driving me crazy? He sees nothing left to do and I see too much left to do. It is like this with him every time we do home renos, he will not let me hire someone else to do it because, “I love doing this, I live for it” Then he starts with great gusto and works his heart out and then POOF, the gusto goes away and he spends more time in front of the TV and talking about doing it than actually doing it.
I can feel my body craving the foods that will make this all go away. The salt and vinegar chips, the carrot cake with cream cheese icing. My brain says it will make me feel better, but I know it won’t. It will make me feel like a failure, and I don’t accept failure. How can a person be so vain as to have botox for their wrinkly brow, but struggle so hard to lose weight, where is my vainity then? Gawd forbid that I go to bed without taking off my makeup and slathering my face with expensive creams, but OMG stuff my face so my hips with continue to grow and grow. Where is the sense in that? And I have started chewing my fingernails again. I have not done that since I was a child! Raw and sore and look so ugly and I will lay in bed and cannot sleep and chew and chew, and lay there wide awake with my eyes wide open praying for sleep.
And I am having to have the night light on again. I have not had to do that in forever. And the bedroom door locked! I used to have to do that for a long time, I would lay there and listen for foot steps with my heart racing and sweat all over my body watching the door knob to make sure it did not move…. I was so over this after HE died, but now it seems to all be washing over me again, and I am losing my control. And for me to lose my control is for to lose me.
This is not making sense, I am rambling and my mind is full of thoughts and I am not even sure what thoughts, but I have this unrational fear inside right now. No one is going to hurt me again, I will never allow it. I thought I was better, but maybe once you are broken, you are broken forever.
Posted on July 25th, 2007 by islandgrl
Filed under: General
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