Losin it in Paradise

“If you want to do something you’ll find a way. If you don’t want to, you’ll find an excuse.” -source unknown

Very profound!  I like that saying and think I will use it as a source on inspiration for me.

I am very good at excuses, especially when it come to my diet.  Funny, I can do anything I put my mind.  I am very driven, a control freak, motivated and am always striving to do better and be better.  I am a perfectionist, and I am very hard on myself.  I am vain, hence the botox.  I am smart, I am responsible, so why do I fail at weight loss?  

I hate to fail, it goes against everything I have always worked for.  I am a survivor.  I was raised by alcoholic parents.   I am the only one in my family that graduated from high school, went to university, moved away from home.  I am sucessful, and take great pride in my job.  Anything I have ever tried for I have done because I work so hard at it.  When I want something done, often I will just do it myself cause then it is done right.  I don’t have patience for people that play around and don’t take their job seriously.  I don’t have patience for people that say, “I can’t”  So why CAN’T I? 

I have a lot of internal anger, I hold a lot of anger inside.  Often I don’t even know why I am angry.  Yes, I was sexually abuse as a child, yes my parents were drunks, yes my brothers are still drunks, yes I feel angry because I didn’t have a family, and really still don’t except for my DH and my son.  I never speak to my brothers, haven’t for many many years.  My mom who I loved to death, and was sober for 10 years, died unexpectedly a year ago.  And I feel so cheated, I miss her so much.  I feel cheated cause I only had 10 years with a mom I really wanted.  I try for a relationship with my dad, but it is hard.  He doesn’t drink anymore, but we never have talked and it is hard now.  I tried to call him once in a while and we speak but we really have nothing to say to each other.

I had a bad relationship with a man who was the love of my life.  I never loved nor will ever love like that again.  And he cheated on me, over and over again.  I never knew, I believed we were soul mates, and then I found the video!  He killed a part of my heart, a part that will never heal.

But that which does not kill you only makes you stronger.  Right?  No one will ever hurt me again, ever.  He taught a lesson.   The one who loves the most, has the least power.

Sometimes I feel the rage will tear me apart.  But no one knows, cause I always smile.  Sometimes I just think my heart is black, that I am safe being fat because then no one will ever really know me.  They don’t care, they just see a happy fat lady.    But when I look in the mirror, I see someone else.

Posted on June 19th, 2007 by islandgrl
Filed under: General