Losin it in Paradise

Well I survived my melt down yesterday, and re read my blog, and surprised myself with the hatred that came thru.  But I guess it is a good thing it came thru the blog and not thru my mouth to my hubby.   Feeling are allowed but cruelty isn’t.

I did end up going to town even thou I really did not want to, and I did my best to have a good day.  I just get so sick and tired of driving to Lihue every day.  And I am at my end of my rope with being my husband’s everything……shit is ONLY THING    Some days I lay in bed and plot…I think that on my next days off I will tell him I have to go to Oahu on business and go for two days, and get a motel room and veg and shop and just be alone, but then I think of the money and it is not fair etc.  But if I tell him I want to go, he will want to go with me and that defeats everything.   I need to get away from him, totally away.  When we first got together and then got married, he was working and not a home, and I was travel nursing, so I was gone for weeks at a time.  Then when we decided to move to Hawaii, I knew that we would be together a lot more and that was okay, but I did not know it was going to be 100% together.  When we lived in Oahu it was not as bad, cause he worked in Honolulu so was away during the day, had some people from work he knew and would go surfing with, but since we moved to Kauia, he works from home, will NOT go and meet people, will NOT join a gym, nada.  I paid to have all this diving lessons for him because it is what he wanted “more than anything”  and bought all this diving equipment for him, and yup, he has not gone out once since his lesson were over and he was certified.  He has all the excuses in the world to not go.  He wants me to get my diving, NO FOOKIN WAY.  I don’t like to go into deep water, I am happy just wading and going on my boogie board, I will NOT dive.   He has absolutely not one friend, no use trying to met couples and get together, cause he sits there with his arms crossed and will not visit etc.  He always tells me he hates parties etc.  So he has not one friend, I am it…and because he has no friends I have no one I hang with out side of work either because he is good at throwing his passive aggressive guilt trip if I ever want to do anything without him.  At is hard being his all, his everything.  It makes me feel angry and like I will go crazy if I don’t get away from him.  I always knew that I was the strong one in this relationship, the solvent one, the responsible one, the independant one, but I did not realize he was as weak as he is, and I am really starting to resent him.   Just an example, yesterday I asked him to bring a bag of lemons from our tree over to Fred the next door neighbor.  I don’t know Fred well, but hubby will visit as they trim trees etc.  He did not want to, got all upset etc.  I insisted, so he said okay, and then I looked outside, and he was hiding behind his truck looking across the street at Fred’s house.  He then came in the house a few minutes later and told me no one was home.  That is the kind of chicken sh*t stuff he does, too scared to knock on someone’s door and give them lemons.  And he lies to me all the time, little lies like telling me Fred was not home, but lies none the less………….I think he has a really big heart, and I know he loves me to death and would do anything for me, but there are days I cannot stand him…and then of course there is the fact that we have a sex less marriage.  Yup, you heard me right, been two years since we last had any sexual contact at all.  He is always too tired!    Too busy, too everything.  I don’t even bother anymore, not worth it.  I wanted to have separate bedrooms cause I don’t sleep well with him, and he blew a gasket!  I don’t know why cause we don’t do anything but sleep but he had a big fit cause I did not want to share a bed with him.  He goes to bed at 10pm, I go to bed at 1am on my days off and 8am when I am working.  And once I go to bed I read most of the night, and of course the light drives him crazy but GAWD no we must share the same bed.

Divorce is out of the question.  Not even an option I will consider and neither will he.  He has been married before, so have I.  We have been married only 5 years, but were together 3 years before we married.  I am 10 years older than him.  We have and will not have any children together.  We used to be best friends…..we still are best friends.  I cannot imagine him not in my life, but I just need some space.  Is that too much to ask?

Oh well, today is another day.  Hubby has got the kitchen island finished.  He was suppose to be working on the other countertop, but of course because I am home he will p*ss around and do nothing.  That is why it is taking months to get the kitchen done.

I would love to have a beach day, a day with nothing to do, but I cannot motivate him to even do that.

I think he is depressed, but he will not even consider that.  And of course trying to get him to a doctor, forget about it.  I mentioned a marriage counsilor and he came unglued, said there is nothing wrong with our marriage.  That all marriages were like this, even told me that all marriage sex was like this…….

So I am stuck, or feel struck.  And the weight problem.  I try and try so hard to diet, but he takes it personal.  He is overweight, and resents that I am trying to lose weight.  He used to be so rock hard, did his martial arts, jogged and worked out all the time.  Since moving here, he does nothing but eat chocolate and gain weight.  And he loves it when I do to.  I think it is because he knows my self esteem is low when my weight is high, and when my self esteem is low, he thinks I need him more!   So he is always trying to mess with my diet, buying chocolate and ice cream and pizza and stuff.

Wow, and this was not going to turn into another b*tch session, but that is exactly what it turned into……..I guess it is what it needed to be.

Right now I am praying for strength so I don’t give in and stuff my face with all the comfort foods in the fridge, because believe me when I say I really really need some comfort right now.

Posted on June 17th, 2007 by islandgrl
Filed under: General