Losin it in Paradise

A reminder

I have been sitting on the pitty potty all week cause I am facing surgery again.  My stomach has herniated and I need to have it repaired…the doctor cannot understand why it has done this almost a year and a half after my surgery, but it has…..FOOK

So I have managed to whine and feel sorry for myself and then again was reminded that I could have  it worse.

One of our wonderful ER doctors drowned while out free diving :(   They managed to bring him back but he is still in ICU on a vent, and may not make it.  He is only in his 30s…   One minute he is diving with friends and laughing and loving life and the next he is fighting hard to stay alive..

So tonight I reflect.   I may be fat, and getting old, and feeling yucky cause I have to have surgery again.  I may not think my life is perfect, but I am alive, and my son is not clinging to life in an ICU…

so things are not all bad….

I am grateful….

Hang in there Dr. S….we love you and miss you

Back in the land of the living

I had a blast in Vegas.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  I partied, played, rested, ate too much and drank too much and shopped a little,  and just generally had a good time.

My niece was also there, she arrived with a friend for the last four days of our trip so was able to spend some time with her.  I have not seen her for five years, so was a great visit.

Our suite was fabulous.  It was bigger than my house!!  Two huge marble baths, fresh flowers daily, bed turned back with chocolate and perfume nightly.  They even filled our ice bucket.  Gosh pays to have an upgrade; specially when hotel is picking up the tab due to their error :)

Got back home and of course hit the floor running.  Have been working non stop since I got home.  Then to top it all off the first weekend I had off I get sick.  Well not really sick, but having horrid stomach pain.  Almost unbearable.   I never got out of bed for 48 hours, not even to pee….WTF

But I am feeling better now which is a good thing considering I am working doubles all this week.  But that in its self is good cause it means only have to work 3 shift and off for 3….so doubles I can handle. 

Haven’t ran for about three weeks.  My knee is still the size of a basket ball, but it too is improving.  But that means I don’t get to do my marathon this weekend.  Doc says no running for at least another two weeks….sigh   Oh well there will be more runs to do this year I am sure :(

Diet wise…..lets just not talk about it right now…nuff said?

Will get back at it asap…

Good to be back in Paradise, but really missing the freedom of the mainland….

Aloha :)

 

Still here…

Thanks to all for your good wishes, concern and most important, your loving hearts.  I am doing okay, saw my doctor and he put me on Wellbutrin 150mg a day.  After 10 days he upped to 300mg a day.  I cannot say I feel all the different right now, just calmer.  I dont’ feel so angry or agitated.  It will be a month to 6 weeks before I feel the full affect, so I must be patient althou that is definitely not one of my virtues :)

He also wants me to consider counselling, but I am a bit hesitant with that…not sure why…Well actually I am.  I want to please, I also don’t like to admit any weakness, so I have a tendency to tell what people want to here, so even if I wasn’t getting any help from counseling I would still tell them I was and I would not be entirely open with my life.  So what good would counselling do?

I have had a lot happen to me in the last ten years, and I have not really faced them or closed them.  I lost the love my life when I found out he was not the person I thought he was; I left with only the cloths on my back and have never looked back;  I lost my home and my business;  I moved 3000 miles away to another country where I knew no one; I married on a rebound and am not overly happy in my marriage; my niece was killed in a car accident; and my mom died.  Those are just some of the things that I have dealt with over the past couple years, and no sense rehashing them, nothing will change.

On a lighter note, my son was accepted to school and is going back to finish his chemical engineering.  My DIL loves her new job, and they both seem much more settled and peaceful.

My DH and I are going on a vacation.  Yes a honest to goodness vacation.  Off the island and together!!!   Wow, first vacation together in over 5 years.  We are going to Las Vegas. We married there seven years ago and always said we would go back in seven, so we are.  We leave on Weds and I am so excited.  Work has been hell so this is a vacation worth waiting for.

We got a suite at the Venetian for a great price and are going to bath in the lap of luxury for a change.  No work, no problems, nothing, just R&R for 8 days….sigh

My poor little cocker, Zachary, hurt his back again but I caught it this time before he became paralyzed.  Got him to the vet at the first signs of neuro deficeits and got him on steroids right away and he is doing better but still has to be on cage rest.  He hates that!

Nothing much else to report… hope all is well with everyone and I will let you know how Vegas was…

ciao 

The big “D”

I feel it hitting..and I don’t like it.

I have been doing my best to avoid it, but I think it is time to say uncle and call my doctor.  I am so fookin depressed!

Damn, there I said it…why….who the hell know!

I just feel all the joy in my life is gone.  I even was sick last week and call in at work….I never do that.  I have not called in sick ever.  Yes, I had surgery but to just call and say I am not coming in today…never…..

I haven’t been running cause my knee is swollen and sore.  I am eating nothing but junk….as I sit here  with a big bag of Salt and Vinegar chips in front of my fat face…..and the worst part????   I DON’T FUCKIN CARE!

Yes I do, who am I kidding?  If I didn’t care, I would not give a shit that I am just a pile of lard with no will power, motivation or incentive to do anything.

Even my pending vacation in Vegas is only adding a very slight glow to my cheeks…..waaaawaaa

Yes, I need a vacation….damn, time to talk to the doctor about Wellbutrin…

It is the only med I will even consider.  No sexual side affects, and trust me I am not taking the darn testosterone and getting acne and shit just to screw it up with an antidepressant that fooks up the sex drive.  

I hate taking pills, but I have to get this under control before it spirals…

Ain’t life grand???

stressed!

It has been one of those weeks.  I have been hit with just one too many things this week and I am not bouncing back…

Where do I begin?  Well with the most numbing and scary, and awful of course, get it out of the way so I can breath again…..

My son and grand daughter were involved in a horrid motor vehicle accident on Weds.  They were broadsided by a city bus that ran a red light!!!  OMG….just a reminder on how fragile life is and how it can be forever changed in a heartbeat…

THEY ARE BOTH OKAY!   Thank God, my son was driving his Hummer…the cops and paramedics told Clay that if he would have been driving something else both he and Court would have been killed.  As it was the Hummer was hit so hard it rolled…how often do you ever see a Hummer off of it wheels?  It hit the driver’s side and knocked my son unconscious, but Court does not have a scratch.  She did not even cry, she just said, “truck go BOOM”  Some nice guy stopped and got Court out of the truck and had his wife holding her while he got Clay out of the truck. 

Clay was shell shocked and when I talked to him, he was crying his eyes out.  Said everytime he closed his eyes he could see the bus coming, knew he could not stop, and could only think of Courtney….I can only imagine how terrified he was….

I spoke with them all today and they are all fine.  The truck is totalled, but that is okay, my family is fine…THANK YOU GOD!

Okay, I was going to talk about all the other shit things that happened this week to add on the stress and make me feel like I could not breath, but I am not going to now….doesn’t seem to matter….

almost done

Literally, I am almost done!   I am so fookin tired.   Well it is my sixth shift, and last shift until next Monday.  I can hardly wait.  I am so tired…

Even with these last three shifts only being 8 hours, I am still drained.  Not sleeping well and then of course we are busy as hell…and even if only 8 hours, still means I have to show up and be here!

The upside of the 8 hour shifts……I am able to run.  In fact I run 2 miles in the morning when I get off work and then again before I go to work.  I find that the running before work kinda gets me moving and groovin.  Running after work is a bit harder as I am tired and bitchy but I make myself and then feel all good about it, so it is an ok thing.

It is a good thing I am running a lot cause have not really been watching what has been going in my mouth.  Been on a bit of the Good & Plenty craze again.  I keep telling myself that for every handful of G&P it means more time out running….you know that old saying, “a minute on your lips, forever on your hips”   I think I am just going thru the junk food cause I am too tired to do anything else faze….

So have basically been living on cereal, skim milk, edamame and G & P lately.  Not a real balanced diet….course I could live on cereal and be happy forever.  My DH always has teased me about that, he says I can live without most things in life and be happy, but don’t ever take away my cereal…and he is right :)

So just to prove how beat I am, I get to work and my coworker and friend says to me, “tired tonight, eh Shannon?”  I said yes, does it show?   She said, “well maybe it wouldn’t if you had put makeup on BOTH eyes!”    WTF…..

Geezeeeeeee

Oh no you didn’t!

yup, I did…another 2 pounds.  I gotta be running it off cause I sure am not starving :)    So I was really proud of myself cause despite working odd and long hours I still ran 10 days straight.  The only reason I did not run the 11th day is that I treated myself and went and had a massage..and the therapist told me to take a day off running to really let my muscles relax and rejuvinate, so I did….ahhhh

Good thing too cause I am working six straight now, and I am not too happy about it.   This is what happened…   I had last weekend off and boy was I looking forward to it.  I was tired and wanted some time with DH and to just relax and veg and visit and do all the things that spouses do…(blush)   Well anyway at 2pm on Sunday my phone rings and it is MJ, our eldest house sup, and she says, “I have just had two of the worst shifts (both 8 hours) and my legs really hurt and can you work my shift for me tonight?”  I said, oh MJ, I really need this weekend and my DH just went to get some steaks and I really don’t want to but if you need me to I will come in at 11pm but not 7pm (she was scheduled a 12 that night).  She got a bit huffy and said, “don’t bother, if you will not come in at 7pm, I will just work it” and then she hung up on me.   I spent the rest of the night feeling quilty but wtf, I need time off too.

Anyway to make a long story short, I come back on Monday to find our schedule changed and MJ off on “mental health leave” for a week and yup you guessed it, I am getting her shifts as well as my own.  I went ranting and raving to my boss, but as usual I got the “oh, I am sorry but I can always count on you, and you are always there for me…blah blah blah”  And I of course soaked it in like the desert soaks in rain….fookin ego…

MJ is 67 years old, her nickname from the staff is Hitler.  She is a bully and she is mean.  She should have retired years ago, but is too darn money hungry, and hell no she does not need it.  She is under her entire families thumb at home so comes here and takes it out on the staff.  She backs down with me all the time cause I won’t take her shit, but I do damage control everytime I have to come back to work after she has worked a couple nights.  Last night I had one of our younger nurses crying almost uncontrollably because MJ had called her an idiot the night before WFT….we don’t treat people like that around here.  We do not eat our young….shit!

So I have been causing some reall waves around here.  I have a doctor on suspension cause I reported his ass for not showing up for a code for 20 mins.  I ran that puppy all by myself, and got a heart beat back…yay!   And now I am going to have to deal with MJ and the way she treats the staff not to mention that she is incapable of doing this job.  She is too old and has really bad knees and ankles and cannot walk very much and trust me this job is at least a 6 mile night and that is the least we walk.  But I know she spends most of her time in the office and doesn’t help on the floors at all.  She needs to go, we need to get someone in here that can do the job.  And doesn’t have to take fricken mental health breaks all the time…

Okay, I vented….thanks for letting me spew….

Other than that….running every day, down another two pounds….things are good.

NO NO NO NO….

Damn potato chips, how the hell did they find there way onto my desk…more important how the hell did they find there way into my fat little mouth????  WTF

Okay so I have been doing well, and then some well meaning staff member who knows how much I love Salt and Vinegar Maui Potato chips come to work with a bag just for me….and do I say NO, of course not, I proceed to scarf the whole fookin bag down like I am never going to ever eat again….

Do you know how much salt is in the stuff??  I will have to drink 5 gallons on water to just flush my system and then run for 10 miles to sweat the rest out.

OMG….one fricken bag of potato chips and I will look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy tomorrow…..shit!

On the up side, this has been a hellish night, I am working a 16hr shift and I have not stopped running since I got here, so maybe….just maybe I am burning up some of the useless calories consumed with that fookin bag of chips….sheesh

And here I was so proud of myself for donating ALL of my Progresso Soups to the Food Bank instead of giving them to the staff….I donated cause they are loaded with salt and MSG.  So rather than eat them or throw them away, I made the Food Bank very happy with about 50 dollars worth of soup, Ramien noodles and chicken broth.  All loaded with sodium.  Brought some nice Select Harvest soups with low calories and low sodium and brought that to work for my lunch.  Ate it and was feeling quite proud, but then I had to chase it with a bag of chips…

My lips are sore from all the salt….

I might as well just drank straight from the ocean…….Nah, hell no, fish screw in there :)

12 pounds and counting

Well I am slowly getting there.  I am down a total of twelve pounds now and can definiately notice it in my face.  I have the slight outline of cheek bones poking in there somewhere…

So I also upped my running this week quite a bit.  I am now running for 30 mins straight.  Which is almost 2 miles.   Another four more minutes and it will be two miles.  I am running a 17 min mile which is not race running but is certainly endurance.  So when I first started this running thing, I was following one of the books I got on beginners….so I started out running for 30 seconds and then walking for 90 secs times 20 mins…  And then I would add on 10 seconds to the run time and take off 10 seconds of the walk time and kept doing that as I got stronger and more able to run…and to breathe :)

I now walk for one min to warm up and then run for 30 mins and then walk for two to cool down…fook!  I never thought I would ever get that far.  I am only one mile away from running my first goal which is a 5K or 3.1 mile run….and so confident am I that I am going to make this goal, that I entered my first ever marathon….TADA….I am going to run a 5k on June 6th…

So I have a lot of running and training to do before June 6th.  And weight to lose.  I told my husband that I probably would be able to run better if I was not carrying two 25 pound hams on each leg…LOL  He didn’t see the humor, he just grumbled something like..”your are not that bad”….OH hell ya I am, he should try running with these thighs…

But I am doing it…I am going to run and I am going to finish.  I will not be the first to cross the finish line in fact I may well be the last, but I am going to finish…I am going to get my t-shirt :)  I already booked the weekend off work, and so now I just have keep increasing my run time and distance until I can run 3.1miles or 5K without killing myself.   So that gives me 3 months to reach this goal.  Can I do it?   Hell yeah…

 

Weds

Well I decided to let the hubby live and we have worked thru it, even thou when I think of it I still steam a bit.   I made a police report and a bank report and it looks like I will get the money back.  BUT needless to say, hubby will not be getting another card to my account.  He will just have to budget and make sure he does not run out of money.  I am actually more at peace with this cause he is bad for taking money and not telling me…WTF!

Sad to say but Mr. Morbid Obese did not survive the night.  In a way it was a blessing he was so ill, but also sad that his weight made him that way.  It took year off of him, years away from his children and grandchildren.

I am doing well.  Managed to lose the two pounds I put on over my weeeknd in Oahu and then have lost another pounds since then for a total of 11 pounds.  I am still running and have added another .25 of a mile on this week.  Endurance not speed is my motto now.  I had to try something different as I was getting injured too often when I was trying to run too fast.  So now I run a 17 min mile which is slower than a lot but it works good for me.  I want to be able to run a greater distance instead of a faster time.  Since I have motified my running, I have had no further injuries so I am doing something right.

Diet is going well.  I have discovered Eggbeaters and am loving them.  All the flavor of eggs without the cholestrol.   And low calorie…in fact only 70 calories for a double serving.  I have some Boca sausage with it and my whole supper is only 140 calories!!!  Have to add some vegetables and fruit to try and get it up calorie wise.  And not to mention my wonderful soybeans (Edamame) so lovin them.

The soybeans have really helped to keep me away from the Good & Plenty which has always been my vice.  I find that sitting and eating them and having to eat them out of the pods takes time and feels liKe I am having a real treat.  In fact this weekend when my DH got up from the TV around 9am and asked what was for dessert, I told him he had some chocolate cheesecake in the freezer, and he asked me it I wanted any, and I told him no, that I was going to have some Edamame….he thinks I am crazy…soybeans over chocolate.

DH got me a new phone for Valentine’s Day.  I have wanted this phone for a long time.  It is a Omnia Smart Phone and after a couple days of it I can see why they called it a smart phone.  It is fookin smarter than ME…..I need to go out and buy “Omnia for Dummies”  I am even going to a 2 hours course in town on Thursday to learn how to use it….DOH!

I was on the webcam with my grand daughter last night, and I asked her what she learned in pre-pre school (she is only 2) and she sang “Itsy bitsy spider” to me complete with all the little hand movements.  It was adorable.  And she can sing all the words….my heart just swelled…..I love her so

Other than that not too much.  i survived my horrendous nine shifts in a row.  Had a nice 3 day weekend, now working a double tonight and then off again for 2 more before starting three in a row.  No more 9 day.  In fact the rest of the month looks really nice.

DH and I are thinking of a trip to Vegas this year.  It is our 7th anniversary this year and we got married in Vegas and haven’t been back since, so maybe this year.  We got married in the Little White Wedding Chapel.  It was a nice ceremony complete with a pastor vs civic clerk.  I wanted to just go thru the marriage drive thru, but hubby wanted a ceremony.  And it was nice….I wore RED!  woohoo….

There is a little vamp in me somewhere ;)