Archive for the 'depression' Category

Reminder: Why I Love IE!

Well, here I am again… The day after the third “gimme all the sugar” incident.

Back in the day, I would have thought I’d “blown it” and could just give up losing weight forever on account of not being perfect. Today, I woke still depressed, had a packet of Kettle Chips and a coffee with sugar for breakfast, then a few hours later…

The depression “broke”. The storm dissipated. You may think I’m weird, getting such short depressions, but it is how it is. The fog in my brain started to disperse. There’s no feeling quite like it. I’m hungrier than usual today, and have a bit of heartburn (on account of yesterday’s food). Now I have a donut left in the fridge and I can take it or leave it. And I know donuts taste best when I really, REALLY want them (like yesterday), so I’ll leave it. All I could think about eating was some wholewheat pasta with garlic, chilli & olive oil (above). So, I did! That was about 3 hours ago and I’m hungry again. I have my eye on some sweet potatoes with egg mayo, so I’m making that now.

I weighed in at 200 again today. It’s coming back down. I have a suspicious feeling that excess cortisol due to stress was a culprit here, so I’m going to try and relax, sort out my insomnia and chill out.

And THIS is why I love IE. I know when I “need” sugar, I eat it, and I know when I don’t want any more. I don’t have to use willpower, or expend my concentration on “combatting cravings”. I just eat, stop, and develop a craving for something healthy, then eat that. I have the eating part DOWN. I’m confident.

One thing I did notice in this depressed (sorry: reflective) period is that I’ve been trying to do too much, too soon. I want to be happy in my body NOW. I want to be doing 50 pull-ups and dead lifting my body weight NOW. I want to be wearing the size 10 skinny jeans NOW.

But I can’t. I haven’t consolidated my previous lifestyle changes yet. Cutting down on sugar I can do FOREVER because it makes me feel good. Intuitive Eating I can do FOREVER because it makes me feel good. My plan was to add walking most days, and learning tasty clean eating recipes so I’d have more food to choose from. But, I got lazy with the walking. It was cold. It was dark. I wasn’t sleeping. I had no money to buy more food. I started obsessing over strength training thinking I’d found a short cut.

Well, put it this way: if I can’t commit to a 2 mile walk every day, and I’m still trying to break 200lbs, I’m not in any place to be whipping P90X in the a** yet. One day, but not yet.

Back to basics. I’m getting down to 182 (13 stone) or thereabouts doing THIS, then I’ll tackle the hormonal craziness that is going back on the pill, and THEN I’ll readdress where I’m at.

While I appreciate my own enthusiasm, I’m not trying to build a house of cards. I’m trying to build solid, permanent, unshakeable habits. That way, when I do get to my goal of small & strong? I STAY THERE.

Gimme All The Sugar! Part 3

Yeah, I went there. Woke up snapping at everyone, haven’t got out of bed all day because I am just such a FAILURE, and perhaps it would be better for everyone if I just ceased to exist.

No, wait… a… minute……..

Bam! Depression! My f***ing favourite. AGAIN.

I want to show you what I’m eating RIGHT NOW. Seriously, I’m eating this as I’m writing this post. On my phone. In bed.

Donut 1 of 4. Cake 1 of 1. That’s an empty family-sized bar of galaxy. And a coffee. With a sugar in it.

I had to post this, because somewhere, someone is eating similarly unhealthy foods (I just can’t call something as benign as food “bad”, sorry - food, as with most things, is value neutral).

Maybe one day someone will see this when they’re bingeing. When they’re depressed. When they’ve had enough of their lack of willpower. When they’re hiding what they’re eating from everyone. When they feel ashamed.

I hope so, because if that’s you… I wanted to show you you’re not the only one who does this. I want to tell you not to be ashamed. Food affects your hormones, and your mood. Sometimes a “binge” is the best way you can find to get some happy hormones circulating. It’s physiologically logical. It is, inversely enough, a way to love and provide for yourself. You have officially been absolved. You are not guilty. I am a former binge eater, and this was not a binge. This is what my body and my mind wants right now. I trust myself to stop - not through willpower, but because this, too, shall pass. I’ve been studying my eating long enough to know. Study your eating too. Study your hormones. Read up on what different foods do to your body, and your hormonal reactions. We are hormonally-driven animals, we are not willpower-driven. Let go of your need for CONTROL AT ANY COST. Let yourself go. For a day. Or two days. Or however long you need. But do it mindfully. Arm yourself with knowledge and compassion. Understand that it’s ok… YOU are ok. Let it pass. Then get right back up and keep going. To err is to be human. I fell. I was defeated. You will fall too. And everyone who has lost weight? They all fell too at some point. They did, I did, you did, we all did. And we all will again. Do not feel guilty - you are just as human as everyone else. Guilt will keep you down. Let it go.

When you’re ready - you will get back up and face the challenge again. As will I. As did everyone who has lost weight.

But for now? You rest. Safe in the knowledge that the time will soon come when you can fight again.