How did I get to be this fat?
Well I was a big baby, nearly 8 pounds
I grew up in a house where there was always 3 meals a day and a ‘sweet drawer’; home cooking was the norm, and eating out was treat… food, food, food!
My mother was a ‘big woman’, but she had a great deal of self-respect and tried to teach me that I wasn’t less a person, because I was BIG. My father, who was average weight, never seemed embarrassed by my mother’s weight except that he constantly would say things like “Loretta, your going to have a stroke”. (Truthfully she did have a major stoke at 59 yo.) My older brother and sisters all were ‘normal’ size through adolescence, but as Adults have all had their own struggles; and interestingly most of their children are obese.
I was drug to see a dietician before the age of 10, and by the age of 16 I weighed well over 200 pounds, my first big diet I lost about 40 pounds.
I never dated in high school, didn’t go to dances, wasn’t a member of any sports team or after school clubs. I lived in the country and was raised doing chores, and God-fearing — going to church each Sunday. There was ‘lots of time later for boys’; very little sex education and for religious reasons sex outside of marriage was ‘forbidden’ to say nothing of a frightening thought. In my final year of high school my mother had a major stroke in September, and went from hospital care to rehab, returning home 9 months later in a wheelchair, permanently disabled. During those 9-months, I had become woman of the house responsible for my dad, grandmother, mother and cooking and cleaning. This absolutely overwhelming situation was where I began using food as a coping tool. This period of my life has my first memory of prowling constantly for food.
My Dad told me I was not staying home to look after my mother, father and grandmother and so I headed to Business College after graduation. My relationship with food became again somewhat normal, but I was still at a high weight. I started my first job in my career and after about a year, I started Diet Center and lost 60 pounds. This was great for my confidence, and this is when I began my first serious relationship with a man. For the next 4 years, I had a great job and a fun, adventurous social life, it was good.
Then life took another turn, I had quit my job out of frustration one day, and I decided my personal relationship was a dead end, so I moved 5 hours away to a larger city to start again. Food was not a huge issue after I relocated, as I was now poor, and went on to live with roommates, which kept my food consumption in check. I almost always had a gym membership which I did use. My weight however slowly increased each year without the proper attention to calories in — calories out. From time to time I’d diet for a few weeks with limited success.
Next life changing event. One day I find out that my ‘boyfriend’ of several years, was in the news for sexual assault of a 16 yo boy. I was devastated, humiliated, and angry. Food began to be my real comfort. I overate at home, at work, ate out a lot, didn’t pay attention to my health at all. I ballooned to nearly 290 pounds! I had no interest in men and my self-esteem was shattered.
Of course, it didn’t’ take long before I was diagnosed a type 2 diabetic. In reaction I changed my eating to Low GI, and I easily lost 45 pounds in 9 months. I felt great, and I began dating.
After my share of ‘frogs’ I met what I thought was a ‘prince’. We moved in together after a few months. As time went on, I admitted he was an alcoholic, as more time moved on, I realized I was in a toxic relationship which I stayed in 3 years after realizing that. During that time, I became depressed, my self-esteem plummeted and I no longer resembled the lively woman I used to be. I now was really unhealthy with many serious health conditions due mostly to my weight of 280 pounds. About a year after that ended, at the age of 44 I decided to reclaim my life and get healthy.
So at the end of all that typing, I realize that the largest weight gains came around crisis/chaos. I am predisposed to being heavy and I need to be vigilant about it; and when crisis hits, I need to find another way to cope. I do know there is no shame in being BIG; but I do need to be healthy and it is shameful to care so much for others and so little for oneself. I’m glad to be getting smarter…
Posted on February 28th, 2012 by inspired4success
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