song of the road

I am sorry to be staying away. I just do not have time. I am working on making some time. We are just starting this new team here for which so far I am the single person available. We have an almost insanely stringent hiring process. But plodding through it. It will take time for things to stabilize and me to earn the trust of the original global team. However have a good rapport with my boss and his boss here. I love the work. This is the first time I am working on softwares for the global money markets. I find it fascinating. But the work load is killer. I work from 9 am to 9:30 pm daily and some times more. This is temporary and I don’t mind putting in the effort. This definitely has got me noticed in a new organization in a really short time. Generally it takes much longer to build a reputation. But anyway the bottom-line is that I literally have no time at all. I wake up at 7 and sleep at about 12. All my waking time, I work and I travel to work. It is 7 am now. I will go to work a little late. I do manage to read your posts via google reader at times. But cant always come back to comment. Please bear with me for a while and I will be back full on.

In between this insane schedule, we managed to snatch away a weekend break. Went to a few beaches. Not at all far from home. The hotel we stayed in was a few metres away from the sea. It was nice to sit on the window and watch the waves and the people and the kids. We took a small boat to an old fort built in the 1690s. The sea has come forward now and the fort is surrounded by water. Not submerged though and people live inside. We lost our way a few times thanks to faulty reading of GPS, which was a lot of fun to cruise through the narrow lanes of the sleepy town filled with big firm-houses. Also went to a few other beaches nearby and a ramshackle old jetty. The food wasn’t too bad as we forgot to eat a few times and had to make do with light snacks. When we sat down for a full meal, everyone wanted light stuff again, so it wasn’t too bad. I ate, rather slurped on quite a few crushed ice cones. They were good fun on the hot sun.

As you can make out, diet is not that good these days. Though I do manage to eat light meals most of the time. Do eat a breakfast and a lunch of vegetables and lentils. But often end up binging at night. Working on reducing that. Also I actually do manage to forget to eat because of the work. So my blood sugar is also not how it should be. Meanwhile need to join a gym too. Planning to do that this weekend. Also may have to work on this Saturday. You can make out how muddled I am, can’t you?

Now the thing which prompted the write. I suddenly caught up with a dear old friend in yahoo yesterday. She is such a nice girl. She is in Detroit now, on a short visit. And she lives here in Chennai, the city which has three climates - hot, hotter and hottest. She seems to enjoy the cold there. Anyways she had long back married her college sweetheart. I don’t really know what went wrong, but they started staying apart very soon after marriage and eventually got divorced after a long separation. I got the feeling that the main cause was very possessive in-laws and I guess the guy gave up after being caught in the middle for too long. Still it is very sad. Because I distinctly felt that her hubby was actually quite a nice guy and she is a really really good person. So don’t know why it unravelled quite so bad. Meanwhile my friend’s parents were rather frantic and wanted her to save the marriage at any cost. Divorce is as yet not so common out here and there are many families who are yet to taste any. 

So anyway, even the divorce has been finalized at least 3-4 years back. I am quite sure the guy has remarried too. But my friend here is still carrying it. I mean she is happy in general. But she is not at all open to any other relationship or even the thought of it. She is adamant that all guys are bad. I find that such a waste as she has so much love to give and share. I am not saying that there is a soul-mate waiting for her or any such crap but still… So all this made me think of me.. how come I am so happy and quite carefree only a year after the R mess.. I was seriously down, wasn’t I?.. and now here I am… I am not really looking out for another relationship yet… I am happy being single.. I love the freedom that I get to spend so much time doing the work I love because I am free… But I don’t think all guys are bad or anything… maybe that is because I have a super brother and she is a single kid… I am very friendly with the guys at work.. no romantic expectations or anything, but I genuinely enjoy working with them and making fun with and of them… Does this make me a fool who is setting herself up nicely for another fall?… does this mean I will again make the same mistake?… that’s scary… not only because of the pitless pain.. I just don’t want to think of myself at all as someone who is a fool.. there are only a few things I am proud of… the biggest among them is that I think I am reasonably intelligent.. I don’t want to have to drown that self image too… Maybe she got hurt more depply and for all my lamentations mine didn’t actually go that deep.. which is good… but I really dont want to make another mistake.. I mean just how many more times my brother and mom will collect my pieces and put me together.. I can seriously lose my sanity, if I pull another R trick… I know all this but I somehow can’t seem to make myself serously scared and worried and defensive… I still laugh and flirt and work and generally be like nothing at all is wrong with me… I really really hope I am not a fool…

On that hopeful note, let me get up and get ready for work… My love to all of you here… no foolishness there… I am sure and certain of this one pure love I feel for all of you… Do well.. be well.. I will catch up with you soon…

The new year has started. Feels so fresh and crisp. I don’t know if the weather has got to do something with this. Feeling quite upbeat. So far loving the job. That may not last or hopefully may last also. 

I am using the google reader so far to keep up with my blog reads. So I kept reading what you all are up to throughout the week. But couldn’t comment much. Had that all saved for the weekend. But the weekend is all over all ready. I am going to post my thoughts on week nights before I fall asleep.

We just finished dinner while watching the movie ‘Signs’. It is a good one. This weekend my sis-in-law’s parents came down for an overnight visit. It went well. I cooked a bit for them. We made those naan breads and some curries to go with it. It was a bit of work. Brother and sis-in-law are both have bad colds. I think I will mention bro as DB and sis-in-law as DS for ease. DS has a cute 8 yr old nephew who came down too. The boy is an only child with a stay at home mom. I feel he gets too much attention and correction. He was very happy to get to play video games and watch cartoons endlessly. DS’s mom was continuously bugging him. I felt as if she just didn’t want him to be happy. Not that she doesn’t love him, it’s just that she feels like she is right all the time and must weild her power. I guess I am overreacting. 

Today morning they all left. Had a good lunch afterwards. I did eat a bit of rice but lots of vegetables too. I was planning to cook after lunch but fell asleep. Got up at five. Ran around and started a lentil soup. Then DS and I went to the supermarket. Bought veggies, groceries, magazines, yoghurt, watermelon, lunch box set, green tea and a whole bunch of other stuff. Came back and made a chickpea dish ( a bit like the chilli) and baked a dish of veggies. Then watched the movie. I am so tired. But looking forward to work tomorrow. That is such a welcome change.

I truly appreciate all your lovely comments and the kindest wishes. I wish the very best for you too. Take care, my sweethearts.

Completed a week at work. It was all induction training. Not much real work done. Except done a lot of interviews. We need to hire some folks and that was supposed to be completed day before yesterday. So under a little pressure already. I feel that the work here is going to stretch me and I am going to learn a lot. I loved the overview they gave us on banking business. 

On the diet front, nothing happened. I must have gained back most of the weight I have lost. Okay, let me weigh myself now. No point being scared. 4 lbs gained back. I am planning to carry lunch from home starting next week. Also they sell a fruit salad in the cafeteria. I will also carry a couple of fresh fruits. Then there is the snacking option of eating rosted chickpeas and groundnuts. The dinner will be carb free. I will need to get off my butt and check out the gyms nearby. So this is going to be my plan for a while. It looks like I will be in the general shift ie nine-to-six for a while. Though travel and exra work included, it will be more like 7:30 am - 9:30 pm. It gets like this in the beginning when we are setting up the work. Once all is in process, a lot of work happens on its own with occasional glitches. 

That’s about all from me. Oh I watched two great movies - The Pursuit of Happyness and Dreamgirls. I will go now and catch up with you all. Lots of love, friends.

Well… my diet seems to be working kind of okay. I think I have lost about 12 lbs in last couple of weeks. I have never lost weight like this. Let’s see if this lasts. More likely than not, it will all come back. In fact, I am starting my new job this Monday ie 22nd Dec. I will have to give up the diet completely in the beginning and then will have to modify it. It does make me feel weak and energy-less. I have lost my temper a few times too. But apart from these problems, I don’t know how but I hardly have cravings.

I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and vegetarian proteins with no oil and no bread, rice, pasta etc. Though when I am too hungry, I add some oatmeal to my soups. For first few days I had only fruits and veggies. Now I think I am not eating enough fruits but more proteins. Anyway, all this will have to stop soon.

I will be working in a shift here. From 1:30 pm to 10:30 pm. It sounds odd and I too was a little unhappy in the beginning but it is good actually. I get to beat the peak hour traffic both ways which means saving at least a couple of hours from the commute. Also I can go to the gym in the morning, come back, have a unhurried bath and brunch and then go to work. I am planning to carry dinner which I will have about 8:30 pm and would try to make it no-oil and no-carb. I really hope I will be able to implement all these plans. Meanwhile I need to get a little set at work. I don’t really know what they are expecting me to do. I was interviewed for a post lower than the one I am joining at. So I am a bit unclear.

The long break is almost at it’s end. I had a couple of doctor appointments for my blood sugar. Most probably due to my dieting and also because of the medication, my sugar is rather under control now. Then I did have tons of free time which I mostly spent sleeping and reading. On one hand I am quite enthusiastic to join work as I was getting a little bored but on the other I feel sad that my lying around days are over. Anyways I was lucky to have any at all. R has more or less receded from my mind. The change of place has worked big time. Plus this city has something in the air which makes one feel hopeful and energetic.

That’s about all from me. Love you all sweet friends. Hope all our dreams and plans come true soon.

Perhaps, just perhaps life has taken a turn for better. The job is almost mine. They sent over the offered compensation and benefits package. I guess, it is not a big deal but I would be an AVP in this company. I am awfully tickled. Hope I would do justice to the post and their trust. Anyway, I am yet to get the appointment letter. The tentative date of joining is 5th of Jan.

Then yesterday I had a haircut. It is really looking good, even if I say so myself. I generally used to keep my hair away from my face. Now I have a great layered cut which frames my face and the hair looks bouncy and voluminous. Also the fact that the stylist said that I have great hair, boosted my ego no end. Actually most of the thanks go to my sis-in-law, she took me there. I had liked her hair cut for long. So I am now looking younger and a little hipper. 

Last but not the least that I have started a diet from yesterday. Yesterday I had lentil soup with lots of veggies for dinner. Throughout the day I had soup, fruits and a load of roasted chickpeas. I was very hungry in the morning. But later I was quite okay. The lentil soup was filling and yummy. So taking courage from that I am starting on the General Motor diet today. As I am home mostly these days, I figure I would be able to follow it for the seven days. So today is only fruit day. I have had a few pieces of melon so far. Have stocked on oranges, strawberries, more melon, apple and guava. For some reason feeling light and craving free. I know, this cannot be a lasting feeling. But still it feels as if more I eat fat and carb, I want them more.

So long from me. I am planning to do more catching up with you all today. Lots of love, friends. 

We all are okay. The tragedy that happened here has been terrible. Very very thankfully no one near and dear have been hurt. My brother was in South Mumbai that day but he was not affected thankfully. We all here are mostly numb still. They are calling this India’s “9/11″. Hope this makes us stronger and we can avoid repetition of the same. However the chance of anything really constructive happening soon looks slim. Life goes on. I guess the biggest problem is that we have become too stoical.

On personal front too, life is going on. I am interviewing for a good job. Hopefully things will work out soon. I quite like Mumbai so far. But the lethargy is still there. We went for a checkup last week. My blood sugar has gone up again. Have gained back all the lost weight and some more. Need to pull up my socks and join a gym. Also planning to buy one of these blood sugar meters. 

There’s a lot to do and I need to break out of my shell. On the good side, I did read a few more good books. Watched some nice movies. Did some shopping and bought new clothes. My wardrobe was in a bad shape. Now need to get healthy and work hard in the new job.

I think I will start blogging regularly again. That should be a step towards normalcy. 

Hope you all are doing very well. My love and good thoughts are with you all.

I apologize for being away for so long. I had a bout of extreme lethargy after I left the last job. I could barely do the work needed for our relocation to Mumbai. However I feel better now.

We drove down to Mumbai on Sunday early morning, around 4 am. It took us two days to drive here. We came via Goa, which is a very famous tourist place in India. It has a string of beautiful beaches. It was under Portugese rule quite a few years after India became independent. India got her independence from British in 1947. I think Goa got hers in 1961 and they joined India in 1987. Anyway, we had breakfast on a sea beach. It was beautiful and HOT. The day before the road went through a dense jungle and it rained very hard. It was beautiful. We stopped for tea in front of a broken down temple.

We are still only slowly settling down. I am still in a lethargic mode. Better, but not much. I am working with my mom in unpacking our stuff. Many many things we have two of. The 3 bedroom apartment does not have enough space for all the junk I have accumulated. We are ruthlessly sorting out stuff to give away. Also cooking a lot these to help out mom. Brother and sis-in-law are cool. I am so happy to be with them. We watched the movie “cast away” again today.

I will be back and catch up with you all slowly. Take care and lots of love.

The last day of the last job is over now. I left last Friday. The long hell that started back last November, seems to be almost over. It has not sunk in yet. I am not sure yet what to do with myself. I mean I know on big-picture terms. But not on daily life. Feeling very weightless and a little bewildered. Lifting of that great load has made me a little giddy.

There were so many good-byes on Friday. It made me quite sad. Looks like more people liked me that I knew. I got job references from a few higher management folks. Then many have told me that I would have a job here any time I want to return. Well, maybe not really, but still nice of them to say it. Had a few lunch outings. One pending on this week. There is a gang of girls who could not take me out for lunch. So they have decided to treat me with a weekend getaway. So sweet of them. My team presented me with a hefty gift voucher of a very good book store. It was so sweet of them to remember my penchant for reading.

Well, now on life onwards. I need to get thin. Reduce my blood sugar level. I need to study for the certification. Or just have fun during this break. I am trying to go on a small trip with mom. It is difficult to move her though. Anyway, we are definitely going on a day trip to a forest nearby. One can see many tigers there. I will show you photos. They let you enter the forest only in a covered car under heavy escorting. And the entrance to the forest is like a supermarket. So not much hope of soaking up some peace there. They also have options of letting people spend nights in log huts but I should have tried that while R was there. Also planning on another trip which is a package tour. It sort of has it all - gorgeous beach, lovely backwaters, deep forests and high hills.

I am planning to catch up with all your blogs today. Lots of love to you all.

Thanks so much to everyone of you for being so happy for me. I felt so warm reading one after another of your comments. I belong to a community of such gorgeous women. I love and cherish you.

I was way too busy last week. I was doing the freelancing training. The participants were bright and alert. I had fun with them. Not only teaching was fun but it was enjoyable other ways too. They are so eager to learn and also so funny. I now feel like I have known them forever. They are all going to Germany in a week or so. Anyway it all went good. But I had to get up at 5:00 am (which is VERY early for me) and prepare for the day - looking for more examples and looking up doubts. Then this place was a nightmare to commute due to the traffic. I spent 4 hours each day on travelling. Everyday we would spill over our allotted time and when I would be home around 10 pm, I could barely keep my eyes open.

This was good. It proved to me that I have not really lost my zeal for work. It is only this company and environment that I find sapping. Then we recorded all the training sessions. I was so surprised when we listened back. I sounded tinny and a bit whiny and definitely not very confident. Generally that’s not how it works. I have a good voice and always come across sexier on phone. Also leaving in South India for 8 years have modified my accent a lot. I need to be conscious about these and become better again. Specially I want my voice to be full of laughter, confidence and that sexy huskiness. I remember I once asked my first boyfriend about how my voice sounds. He said, “it sounds best when I am silent”. I am still grinning.

Well, this is supposed to be my last week here. But it might get extended a bit. Last week there was some acrimony and some threats came from my boss. It’s my fault that I wasn’t cleanly doing my work because of my depression. But then I had been upfront with them throughout and tried my best to be fair. Anyway it is all going to end soon, give or take one week.

I am to go to Bombay for a few days next month. I am going to be there when we sign the rental agreement for our new house there. By the way, we have been considerably lucky there and got a 3 bedroom house for a lot cheaper than the normal market rate. The landlord liked my brother. I hope that is the only reason.

I am missing the kids I was training. They were so bright and fun. I guess I get attached too easily. There was this one guy who was so sweet. He would not only help out all the time but also anticipate problems and help. Quite a few times, I didn’t even notice the inconvenience and he changed a few things to make me more comfortable. I was surprised and very touched. Generally who would expect guys to be that sensitive? Later over lunch, I found out that his mom is not very well and his dad is physically challenged. He is making many arrangements for them to be comfortable while he is going to be in Germany. A really sweet guy.

I don’t think I would be able to catch up with all of you right now. I would be back later in the evening and do so. Everybody have a great week and take care.

PS On the weight loss front, my eating this week was BAD. I am not sure I would be doing any better this week. I am planning to get back on track from next Monday.

Okay, this will sound crazy to you. But anyway, I have to share this.

Often in arranged marriages, a bride is chosen for the groom by his parents and vice versa. In most families, generally both sets of parents make the prospective bride and groom meet and the couple decides whether they want to go ahead. Some take some time and some don’t.

When R and I broke off, you all know how he got married immediately. We had a big office party this last weekend. I knew R would come with his wife. I wasn’t sure how I would react to that. For one thing, I didn’t want to fly off the handle in front of so many people. Also after lots of thoughts for long time now, I decided not to tell his wife about me. She has done nothing, why ruin her happiness?

Anyway, so I was seeing the party photographs today. I saw his wife’s photo. And I haven’t stopped grinning. You know, I always knew he would never get a woman more funny, intelligent and kind than me. Neither with my education and money, because of his background. But I always thought he would get a much better looking woman than me. If for nothing else then because almost everybody looks better than me. But can you believe it? I am 1000 times prettier and sexier than her. She is awfully ugly (I am sorry). She looks like a frozen skeleton from Sudan. I couldn’t believe that anyone can be that thin and outside of a hospital. Her features are quite bad too. Even though I shouldn’t be so gleeful, but there is no intelligence on her face. I think her only qualification is that she is from the same stupid caste as he is. Her neck looked like a twig really. This is one time, I saw a thin person and not a for moment I wanted to be like her.

I can’t believe how his parents chose her for him. Because R always told his parents would not find me pretty enough. And now they have got this specimen from hell. I know how vain R is. I cant believe why he agreed to marry her. Deep down (she is not more than two inched wide anywhere) she may be good and all that (her face didn’t say so), but R is too shallow for any “deep down” stuff. I used to get long lectures about how I should improve my appearance and now this. God!!! I have lost nothing. He has lost everything. He can keep a poker face in public, but I know everyday of his life, he will compare her with me and she will be wanting in every single way. It’s not even six months of marriage for him, we will see how long the poker face stays.

I kept on thinking how he could buy his car with money from me as loan and marry someone else within three months after that and get away with it and get to be happy after manipulating my emotions so badly. But who knew the universe has acted already. His parents hated me but they have taken done my job way better than I ever could have. I never imagined and hoped that this could happen. That girl is so much less than me in every possible way. I can’t believe it. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Also for not giving me such life-ruining parents. All fun of his life was those two years with me. Now he has perpetual hell in front of him. Though the girl may not live all that long, seeing how horribly thin she is. She must be sick in some way.

Okay! deep breath. I guess, I should now put a cap on my bitchiness. You know, my full name is Indrani. That means Queen of Heaven. After seeing her, I really thought I AM queen of heaven compared to her. you know R never showed his marriage photos to any of us at work. Now I know why. I had thought he wanted to spare my feelings. But now I know that he had long back realized how his fate has backfired.

I know it is very shallow of me to be so happy. But what the hell!!! Thank you soooooo much all of you for being here with me and cheering me on my darkest time. Now I feel not cheated at all, I can clearly see the biggest loser. Oh sweet sweet revenge.

Lots of love to all of you!

I am still a little too euphoric.