song of the road

Eating still somewhat okay.

Breakfast - protein shake

mid-morning - one sweet (this time it would not have been difficult to avoid)

Lunch - 3 chapati + daal (thick lentil soup) + green papaya curry

Evening snacks - miss

Dinner - 3 chapati + cauliflower chilli (Should have eaten the tasteless sandwich, the cauliflower was oily. Will do better tomorrow. Wish could eat home cooked food instead of cafetaria stuff. But not sweating too much as once starting working out at night, won’t be there for dinner.)

2 cups of tea, 2 pieces of chewing gum, 1 liter of water

It was a crazy busy day today. I literally had meetings after meetings. Was feeling sleepy and tired from the morning anyway. Got so stressed by mid-morning, downed a couple of head ache tablets. I can at times feel the adrenalin rush in my head. Overall a productive day. Tons to do tomorrow. Ended the day with a team meeting. Thankfully the team meetings are fun and pretty stress-free for me and others (hopefully). After all announcements and action items, we started chatting about movies. One guy who was listening till then started taking notes. Got a good team going so far. Hope for the best. A girl’s marriage got fixed today. More sweets. I talked to my managers about changing my work timings. Both were cool about it. Let’s see how it goes.

Good that I didn’t eat too badly in the face of the stress. Also to be frank, just did not have time too. Hope trying to eat dinner more than 2 hours before sleeping time would help.

Lots of love and all the best.

Have eaten relatively well today. No exercise.

Breakfast - protein shake made with zero carb protein and milk

Lunch - 3 chapati + paneer curry + coriander chutney (all home made - not oil free)

snacks - a bowl of pineapple + about 15 roasted peanuts (so few because I took them from someone else)

Dinner - veg sandwich from cafetaria (not tasty - had butter and cheese) - improvement needed + 1 small candy (needless - didn’t have a craving too, only because it was a birthday sweet, couldn’t refuse)

apart from this - 3-4 sugarfree chewing gum, 4 cups of black tea, 2 liters of water.

(Late night update - it’s 3:15 am now. I am up with hunger.)

Please please let me be able to stay on track.

According to my scale - 170 lb (it is not accurate). However I can hopefully do relative measurement. The goal would need to be about 130 lb on this scale.

It was a holiday today. Lots of lazing around. Read Cujo by Stephen King. It is quite good. Not that scary. Or I will know later tonight.

Food-wise it was mixed. In the breakfast had south Indian pancakes (dosa) made of cream of wheat (I think), rice flour, wheat flour, plain yogurt, sprinkling of ginger and green chillies. Came out quite well actually. All of us had some. I had three. Lunch was rice and vegetables. Not terribly healthy. However all home cooked, so kind of okay. Had a bowl of pineapple, a small glass of orange juice, a small bowl of pro-biotic sugar-free ice cream (really bad taste) in the evening. Will have a couple more of these pancakes for dinner. Eating quite a lot actually.

I need to plan more. It’s just that I have such a rebellious attitude towards doing anything disciplined and good. Well - not anything. Seem to manage reasonably well at work. Even maintaining a time log at work to meticulously manage my time. However food and exercise seem to defeat me without a fight at all. I was looking at my progress page here. It almost makes me cry. It’s so much effort gone down the drain. I have gained so much more. I would now need to lose at least 22 kgs, whereas I was about 8 kgs away from the same goal. R is the excuse? But now? Time enough to get a hold on.

I do not really know. I seem to be doing some short burst efforts on and off. Unless I can change something basic in me, is it any good? I mean trouble and stress would always be there. Must I eat to relieve that stress always. Or I would need to plan in military precision to have only good things to eat around.

Perhaps I should go to a dietitian now. Nowadays the diets are quite balanced for most part. They should be do-able. And exercise. Should I take that break for a few weeks and clear my head a bit? I feel so tense and feel that time is running out so badly. Well it is and it is not. I need some kind of a sane sustainable approach which also lets me have my current lifestyle. Do-able?

Let’s see. Let me try a food plan for the week. Will be back later.

love,

iniya

Don’t know how I got in here today. Well, actually I was trying to go through the unread mails on my yahoo mailbox. Then I tried some more sorting and was moving mails to in to folders etc. And there was a huge bunch of mails/comments from here. Nostalgia hit like a big wave. I was suddenly so sad. I was sure my blog was gone. I just came to the site. Looked up Miss Ruby’s site and started reading some of her more recent posts. Staggered by how much has happened. Then while trying to leave a comment, I had to log in. And that led to resetting the password and the finding out that the blog is still there to take a post.

I plan to read a few more posts and look up some of my old friends.

I don’t know if I would actually write regularly again. Guess I should. Lately I was feeling the urge a bit again.

Just in case, any of you come this way and more for myself really, let’s try a re-cap of the last year. Life is a bit better. Definitely better than when I was falling apart over R. The new job is good. Very time consuming. My whole life is work. No work life balance. Conventionally speaking no life at all. Guess I am setting myself up for longer term unhappiness by spending my more productive years at work (did you manage to hear my mom here?). Well the lady has mellowed down a bit and has after a lot of trouble given up on getting me married. Life with brother and sis-in-law good.

Bro has stopped working at his regular job. Trying out trading from home. Poor guy is really working hard at it and would say have started with small successes. He does have it in him to be successful. So dad’s inheritance is building him another career. Much better than his last job and quite a few ones before that. Meanwhile we are running on my and SIL’s salaries. Things are a bit tight. They bought an SUV last year. The loan for that is on. Have a big rent to pay. SIL has responsibilities of her own parents. Must say she is being very sporty and supportive of it all. I need to still work on liking her more. I do like her. But she is yet to be a sister, I guess. Or maybe I am over-bothering. We get along well and never fight and I give both of them as much space as I can or at least I try very hard. I don’t think they lack privacy too badly. Mom runs the home for most part. That makes life easier for all of us. Still there is some rivalry going on between her and me, I guess. It is unnatural for me to be here. But that’s how it is and everyone is as happy as can be reasonably expected. My living separately will not help anyone much. Apart from the fact that the money I do make does help.

How I ramble on. So back to me. Gained back all the weight and much more. Had been going to a gym on and off for last year. It has been no use. The trainer was not a patch on S. I have gained weight. Had joined a new gym near home. That’s not working out too well either. The new plan is to start from home at 7. That would mean getting up at 6. Reach work by 8. The commute in Mumbai is a bit insane. Anyway work till 7 in the evening. Leave office at 7 no matter what, at least 3 days a week. Hit a gym near work. Should be done by 9. Reach home by 10:30 at the latest. Sounds bad? Round - if she reads it - would be wincing at the no-social-life plan. Do feel this can be done. This job is good and it feels perhaps I can have a career after all. I have lost a lot of years in work where I did gain some experience but not as much as I should have been because I was bogged down with personal problems. Now I want to make up for it. Also it does feel good to be able to see my confidence and capability grow. However health is not been doing so great. The last year been insanely busy at work.

Trying to eat well. Succeeding some and not. Food choices are mostly good. Eating some fruits. Some vegetables. Still eating late in the night. Not missing meals too much. The stress at work is quite high. Have gained quite an amount of grey hair. And a good haircut a couple of times now - one of many good things of living in Mumbai.

Still almost nothing done on my last personal plan - adopting a baby. I am plain scared of taking that step I suppose. The current excuse is that I want to have my career. Time is running out. I need to fit this in somewhere. Can’t see that happening soon.

So that is all. Need to work again on losing weight - more than ever. And did I mention that I am planning to start that by giving me a month’s break. Then I start fresh (hopefully). Working out is so hard. But I must - if not for weight loss at least for a modicum of good health.

It’s 2 am here. There is some strange noise outside. Mumbai is a bit of a strange city. It’s Holi tomorrow. A bank holiday. Holi is the Festival of Colours. It is celebrated by people throwing coloured powder and coloured water at each other. Bonfires are lit the day before. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holi). The TV is full of programs and music celebrating this. Meanwhile there was a world cup hockey match (most probably 1st round or something equivalent) that India won. And I watched Sherlock Holmes today. I know I catch everything long afterwards. Liked it immensely.

Lots of love to all of you.

Thinking of you all… Been such a long time… life is going on…

Well…. Annie, thanks for giving me that push. I keep thinking about all of you very often. Somehow I have not managed to sit down and write.

Life is going on, as it must and as it does no matter what. Things are good in some ways. I am enjoying my new job. Getting to learn a lot. There is too much to do. The days and weeks and months are flashing by. I am exercising on and off. I have the gym membership yet. So do go there. But I am so tired.

I have been thinking of adoption lately. Getting a kid for a single parent is not easy. And after that it is still harder. Apart from the soceital hassles which are huge in a country like mine, the administrative hassles are enormous. I don’t have any clue if anything at all is possible without a father’s name - things like passports. Every step of life perhaps would need a lawyer or more. I need to have the strength and perseverence to fight it out everywhere. Maybe I will prevail eventually and I don’t know what that will achieve after all.

Anyways, that’s me - a bit exhausted and a lot confused. Lots of love and good wishes to you all. Take care. Be well.

That says it about right.. I am hanging on… too much work.. too little rest.. on and off exercise… and life is going on…

Don’t want to lose the blog here… hence the short post on the wake up call from Annie and Round.. 

Working from home today.. planning to sit down and write a longer post later today

Lots of love to all of you… you stay in my heart

I have now joined many of you ladies in the sleepless nights department. It is 2 am and I am still up. I need to be up again by 6:30 am to go to the gym. I guess I am not too bothered. One - because you all seem to be managing it for ages. Two - because I slept and slept and then slept some more during the weekend.

On the other fronts, life is going on. I had an important presentation to make last Friday. We had to prove something and as it was one of the first things that we did on our relationship with the British team, it was very important. I couldn’t do any prep work on the first week, as was running around big time on lots of other stuff including recruitment. Then the plan was to study during the weekend. Somehow I kept on procrastinating throughout the weekend and did nothing. I just couldn’t get on with it. By Monday morning I became so tense that I actually had high fever. Somehow later that day, my brother managed to cheer me up and get going. I was up most of the night preparing. Things got better from there and I did well on Friday. The thing which scared most was that I was doing so well on my work and this stupid panic attack or whatever it was, gave me a big scare. I am definitely not out of the woods yet. My confidence has increased a lot in past couple of months. But it is still shaky which doesn’t augur well. Anyways, what has happened has happened. Need to take care in future.

Now I have started yawning a bit. Will finish this post and go to sleep. After a long time going back to gym. Excited about it. Hope this time things go better and I make some permanent changes. Badly need it for my health. The grind and stress at work is high and I am counting on my work outs to give me stamina. I am enjoying my work immensely so far. Maybe this one time I am at the right place at the right time.

Need to do diet changes as well. Have many challenges there due to long freakish hours. I am planning on drinking buttermilk or a shake in the morning before going to gym. Afterwards breakfast which will contain carbs. A lunch again of carbs, lentils and veggies. A couple of fruits in the evening (must stick to this one). Also another smallish snack of some kind. Dinner – lentil soup. Though this week I have made spinach soup. Planning to have that.

Okay sleepy now. Catch up with you all later. Have a great week.

You know what, the Friday I was saved by you guys. I was already feeling better, after I wrote the post. Then I thought of reading some of your old comments to cheer me up. I ended up reading an old post of mine (where I was b****y about R’s wife) and your comments there. That made me giggle. That put a spring on my step and my shoulders didn;t droop anymore. The day went very well afterwards. Oh, V did get hired. My inputs were there too and to all fairness there was nothing bad to say. The guy must be only a year older than me, but does he look old! Anyway, I am not worried any more. I will do my work well and we will see. He could be an ally too. One never knows.

I found the best seller “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne in my hand this weekend. I have read about 30 pages or so. I am still a skeptical about that good thoughts alone can change things. I mean I can buy it that if I have positive thoughts and visualizations, it would help me be better. But there was an example where a gay guy was being hassled at work. He practiced the positive thoughts for a while and all the hasslers either quit or got transferred. well, that was a little tough to take. I wish he could have just got stronger by his inner positivism and stood up to the hassling better. When the hasslers can’t bother you, they give up. Anyway, I figure that from when I was 4 yrs old or less, I have been daydreaming all the time. I can so easily conjure up good daydreams. If nothing else, I will be in a better mood. I will figure out solutions to problems. So going to try this positive thoughts thing for a while. Need to read up the rest of the book too.

Went to a fancy plush gym today. I liked it quite a lot. They have aerobics, spinning and power yoga classes.  I am thinking of joining next week. It was good to go there. It is going to be good fun to be active again. I used to get major highs from working out. Though this time it would need to be more intense and less lengthy. And then I am eating relatively better these days. All together I feel I can expect some steady weight loss once I sign up. 

Watched a few movies this weekend. Yesterday I watched about half of “Step Up”. It was playing on tv and I caught on about mid way. It was nice. Then I watched “27 Dresses” on DVD. It was quite cool and cute. I loved it. Then today again I took my mom to the nearby movie multiplex and we watched a hindi movie “luck by chance”. It was based on the hindi film industry. A very nice movie. Loved the lady protagonist. Could so identify with her.

A new week starts tomorrow. Of good eating, working and working out. 

Love to you all.

I am at work. Generally I dont blog from here at all. But I came to work with a foul mood. Mostly my fault. For one thing, I managed to forget that I would be taking a couple of important interviews and also I will be meeting some business users. That is a lot to forget, isn’t it? When I was getting ready for work in the morning, I was tired and stressed and feeling very blah. Instead of dressing well, I wore something comfy as today is dressing casual (jeans allowed) day. Now I don’t feel comfy but sloppy.

On top of this, I don’t know why, on the way to work, I kept on visualizing some worst case scenarios at work. They are quite unfounded. Another guy may join our organization who has about 6 months more experience than me. But his experience is of better quality than me. And when I joined this organization, I kind of brought unique capabilities to the table. So I get noticed and consulted often. It does bring on overwork too, but that’s okay for now. Also this new guy is going to be paid much more than I am. Though in the recession scenario, being overpriced is not a such good idea. Anyway, all this muddled thoughts later, what I am trying to say is that I am feeling quite insecure. When I had interviewed him, I had actually liked him. So can’t really blame others when they sound excited about him. I have even once brought this insecurity up to my boss and he does seem very comfortable with the way I am performing. I am getting on well with my juniors. But still somehow I am a bit jealous and insecure. There is always “Vivek this” and “Vivek that” and “when Vivek joins..”. Oh ok, this new guy is called Vivek. So what I actually need to do is swallow the whole thing and keep my focus on work. There will always be guys who would be better than me. I am intelligent and hard working and honest and all that and I know I am going to do very well, but cant shake off this bad feeling. I am generally not like this. I dont know why this guy (who is not even here yet) is rubbing me up the wrong way. Now that he is coming down for an in person interview today, I had to come to work dressed sloppily. Bad mistake!!!

I need to be more organized. The stakes are considerably higher now and I need to pull up my socks. I am doing quite well generally. But there are days like today (not many yet), when I feel inadequate and a bit blue.

So I came to google reader and read posts from you guys. It made me feel so much better. All I needed were a few friendly voices. So thank you all for being here. Ruby and Soclose, please please please come back. I am going to square my shoulders and face the day. Still, why did I wear this stupid T-shirt today!!! I will let you know how I survive the day. There are those business users there too. But there I will get a second chance and hopefully my designation will pull me through.

Thank you all so so very much for the lovely thoughtful kind comments. It makes my day when you reach out to me. Which I am not reciprocating so much. I have some presentations to make over this weekend. But I will find some time to visit each of your blogs and leave a bit of me there. My bro and sis-in-law have gone to Goa for a small break. Oh there is another good news there. No she is not pregnant. But my brother has found a much better job. His current job was paying well but the employers were quite unethical in the way they do business. It was causing a lot of grief and tension for dear brother. So hopefully things will look up for him now. Plus his work place is going to be rather near mine. maybe we will some time catch up during lunch. Also I need to finalize and join a gym this weekend.

I do realize my thoughts and consequently this post has been really jumbled. But if you have reached so far still, thank you. I love you all and see you here soon.