song of the road

Well, I walked and cycled 15 kms today. Really had to grind my teeth to stay on the cardio machines. Managed to stay put for 90 minues though I changed machines many time in between. In my gym, during rush hours we are not supposed to use any cardio equipment for more than 15 mins at a stretch. And the mornings are rush hours generally. I sometimes just key in the pass code (I found out by looking over someone’s shoulder - not the right thing to do - I know - but I have to be that much of a software person) and exercise a little more. But rarely when others are waiting, I swear. Mostly I innocently ask the trainers to punch in the code.

Well, my exercise goals are not looking so acheivable any more. I had planned for something which would stretch me a little. Now with my 7 days of bunking gym, they are going to stretch me a lot, if at all I can make it. I am planning to give it a shot.

If I work out every single day (I think the gym would be closed on at least two days this month, if not more), I would need to walk/cycle 10 kms a day to meet my goal. But I would have to work out more than 3 hours a day to meet the exercising goal. I guess I can safely say goodbye to the work out goal. There is no way I can work out that long. Let me think about it and maybe I would readjust this goal. Or shall I leave it anyway and let’s see by how much I miss it. The walking/cycling goal can be done - perhaps. Just perhaps, I think. Let me try to make that at least. My legs are hurting already. My knees might go away or become very strong by end of month. All this assuming that I won’t bunk again.

Nothing much is up really. I did quite okay food wise yesterday. One of team members got engaged last week. He got some lovely sweets to work  yesterday. Ended up having a couple of them - must be 500 cal each. Otherwise did okay.

Things on the personal front are improving slowly, I think. Sometimes when we are discussing something at work, or teasing our newly engaged friend mercilessly, suddenly our eyes will meet uninetntionally and R’s smile will break my heart. He has a beautiful smile. But WTH, all beautiful things are not meant to be had, some should stay on the shelf and away from reach, I guess.

Love you all. Let’s work together towards a better mid week.

As of now, back to work. Finished reading the huge number of emails. Will have a ton of catching up to do. But must say the team has done well in my absence and they have not created any mess, as far as I can see.

But I do feel, it would be better to move on. Thank you all for agreeing with the job change idea. I would need to soon get on it. Slowly the gloominess is descending as I am back. But it could be due to the refrigerator atmosphere. And maybe I have not lost as much of my anger, as I thought from the safety of home. However I have loads of work to keep me busy and some other good colleagues to keep me smiling a bit. I need to get through these days one day at a time. I am not going to let someone have the satisfaction to see how much he had managed to hurt me.

Anyways, had the dinner with S yesterday. He wanted to watch a movie too but didn’t say it early enough. I wouldn’t have minded another movie at all. We went to this big restaurant where they serve Indian and Arabic food. A joint we would call a “pure non-vegetarian” restaurant. Actually we have many restaurants in this part of the country who serve only vegetarian food and uses only vegetarian ingredients. Hence the corollary nomenclature of “pure non-veg” restaurant. Practically, I don’t think there can be any restaurant without a single vegetarian dish - at least a cucumber salad would be there, generally.

I was quite excited to try out some funky dishes, hoping some thing veg would be there. But they had some trouble with the kitchen and terrace sitting was closed. So we walked down to a good old KFC in a nearby mall. S had fried chicken and I had a veg. burger. Then we had ice cream from Baskin Robbins.

Food was quite good (taste-wise, the ice cream must have been quite high cal.) but the conversation was better. S made me tell why I was bunking gym. I somehow felt very stupid and embarassed talking about R, so summed it up in a few sentences. On the other hand, heard about his first love (which he lost of course) and he actually sounded quite sad (I was a bit surprised). Heard about a lot of his and his gym cronies’ antics. (Made me think Huckleberry Finn, on a few occasions - naughty guys those). It was very good fun. Didn’t realize the time flowing away so fast. I think we might do this again soon. Well, I am sure it won’t be soon, but definitely sometime. Looks like I have found a good friend who is not from work (thank God for that). He can’t take place of my bro but maybe he can be a tenth of him (fun-wise) in time. Keeping fingers crossed, so this doesn’t get screwed up.

Round, I agree with you. I am planning to exercise as much as possible and try to do more intensity wise (since time-wise won’t be easy) and be a reasonably good eater. I too think it is far better to have favorite foods in moderate quantity once in a while. And anyway I do not think there can be any food which is all bad. We do need fat for our brain and skin and hair and nails (as far a I know). So moderation is the key.

Though on the front of paying attention to food, I have a problem. During breakfast and lunch, I do okay. But dinner and all snacking often accompany a book. Nowadays I generally eat dinner with mom, so that’s better than reading and eating. But to stop reading and snacking, I need to walk a long road yet. It’s as if good food must be accompanied by a good book (like good wine, maybe?). Need to work on that.

Workout today was good. The intensity has been increased a bit. Also maybe because of the break, I took longer to be out of breath. There seems to be a body building championship next month. So a few guys in the gym were training for that. They were doing something called “failure reps” (not sure, if I caught the name right) with heavy weights. The poor guys were doing literally 300 to even 500 repetitions. Where most of the time, I can barely do 30 and even only 10 if the weight is increased a  little bit. I was getting scared for them. But the muscles didn’t disintegrate as I felt they definitely were going to. But too much bulging muscles is such a turn-off. Lean muscles any day.

Everybody have a great start of week. It’s time for me to wind up my long chattering and go back to back. Love you all.

PS Just received an email from a college friend. She is pregnant and expecting her baby in June. I am very happy for her. But feeling a little wistful. Hello, the guy upstairs, will I ever?

Last few days had been very chilly (by our standards) and rainy and gloomy. Very unlike the weather here. Though there are some days like that. Now it is sunny again. The air has a nip yet but if you are out, you would be hot soon. I miss the sun so much working inside the air conditioned office. It’s like you open the door of a huge refrigerator and then go sit in your rack, I mean cubicle. I am yet to get fond of fluorescent lighting. It is so nice now sitting on my bed corss-legged with a bit of sun of my back. I read somewhere that sunlight is a major mood booster. Seems they have something there.

Did a batch of cooking today morning and last evening. I made something called “vegetable chowlette” yesterday. I finely chopped a lot of vegetables - potato, beans, carrots, capsicum, peas, cauliflower and boiled them. Had some boiled and drained noodles separately. Made a mix of the boiled vegetables, chopped onion, green chillies and a dash of ginger. Used flour to bind the mixture lightly though the original recipe uses 3 eggs. Then added the noodles and mixed again. Took a big spoonful of the mixture and fried with very little oil on a thick bottomed flat pan. They came out nice. Very good with tea.

Mom and I went for the movie - Om Shanti Om - on Friday. It was a film of a very popular actor here - Shahrukh Khan. Not a great one story-wise. But it was still a lot of fun. It is about this junior artist (here we mean by that the people who play the role of pedestrians or the crowd and such background roles in a movie - nothing to do with age) who falls for a very popular leading lady of his time. Then he stumbles upon a plot to kill her and while trying to save her dies himself. He is born again as a bratty star kid and is a very popular actor himself. After some curious incidents remembers his past life and takes revenge. Yes, I know. But the movie has so many many insider jokes and spoofs on the Indian movie industry and the leading actor - Shakrukh - so obviously had a ball making the film - potraying the two extreme ends. The warmth and the fun spilled over to us. I kept grinning most of the time while watching the movie.

On the more serious front, I had a few more fruitful chats with my mom. We are coming to understand each other’s point of view more. I could explain my mom why I am having a tough time. I feel things will definitely improve from here. Had a longish chat with brother too yestrday.

Planning to go out with S for dinner today. Planning to wear something nice and have fun. Reading the Dick Francis novel now. He has such a smooth style of writing. Need to be back to wokr tomorrow. Makes me feel a little blue.

I am thinking of changing the job more seriously. Bro wants me to shift to Bombay where he is. I don’t know. I feel like staying in Bangalore for a few more years at least. Let’ see. Definitely there is not much point in risking trouble and constant headache by being so near to R. Let me take a few more weeks as they come and then time to brush the resume and get ready for interviews. It is going to be irritating to build my credibility again in a new place. But I think it is unavoidable now and could be fun too. I was almost deciding against a change, as it smacked of defeat and running away. But whatever it smacks of, I would rather have the peace. Nothing would be gained by the pointless pain.

On the weight loss font, planning to exercise and eat reasonably well. Will work on writing down the food eaten. Also will try to salvage what’s possible of my end of year exercising goals. That weight loss challenge is now truly out of the window. But I am okay. Slow and steady will do it. Feeling bad to disappoint S but I know he will understand.

Everybody have a great Sunday and fruitful week ahead. Love and good vibes for everyone of us here.

Guilty of many things.. the biggest - worrying the people who love me despite of it all. I want to say - “sorry, for worrying you all, my wonderful blogmates!” But when would I stop doing things which I need to be sorry of. It’s not as if I don’t know that I am going to be sorry later.

Well, not at all a good week for me - this one. Wallowed in a sea of self-pity. No gym from Monday. No work from Wednesday. But will be back to work on Monday. And gym too. I feel this break from life has done me some good. Feeling much more positive this morning. I can face life again.

The long story - the blues caught up badly with me. I don’t know if I was mourning the loss of R or trying to soothe my hurt ego, my stupid blindness before. I had known all along that it might not work out. I don’t say I regret the good time, but I should have got out earlier and not let him do this. But then would I have been able to live with myself, without trying with all I had. Well, I lost and it hurts. But I will be okay. I am okay almost already.

This whole week - I had eaten everything I wanted. Not exercised. Only been to work two days. Read an awful lot which was good. Maybe I will take mom to a movie today. Let’s see, if she agrees. I also managed to have a chat with her yesterday about what is really bothering me. And why I don’t feel like meeting new guys. Her point (true for last 6 years, I think) is I am running out of time. I pointed out - I have run out of time and still this is not stopping. So I must be given time to heal. We have made a deal. Also decided, if things again start going out of hand, I will go to a psychiatrist and get some help. I am not feeling crazy or out of control but may need a little help to summon up enthusiasm and go through the hectic days.

I am so tired of love. Is it there at all? must be all the stupid attraction stuff which goes away anyway. then the liking that still remains (in most cases rather hidden) must be a little fondness, a little maturity, some fear and some habit. So the point is maybe it is okay to marry a guy I can’t like so much now. Maybe he will turn out better with time. If not, no worse than now anyway. Or maybe not. I am not that scared of being alone - well, I am a bit. But I am sure I can manage it, if needed. And most problems have a solution. It is not so scary, once you are in it. I have seen that many times.

It was not good of me to bunk work like this. And I know this is one of the major reasons, I would never be very good. But I just couldn’t face up to a day with so much work. Handling R in itself takes so much energy. I need to work on that. He works well but is so full of himself and takes offence in everything. I think I would need to tune him out a bit and not worry so much. The others are doing well for now and not very troublesome. I know I won’t be able to take it easy and let things go wrong knowingly but I will point out the problem once with a cool head and non-judgementally and give the person enough time to correct without getting impatient. Hopefully this will work out most times. I cannot let my other personal problems creep in there and I have to stop the despairing and the impatience. and build confidence.

Don’t know what sort of jumbled up thoughts I wrote up there. Let’s see about the good things. Well, it is good fun to take a break sometimes. It is awesome to stay home on a weekday with nothing planned. Even with the dark thoughts, I had fun. Now that I am feeling better, I will cook a little too.

S called today morning. He was worried about my absence and more so at the lack of communication. He almost was ready to come see me. As usual he succeeded in cheering me up a lot. I would be back to gym on Monday. Meeting him and meeting the others at work should help me. By the way, it looks like he has overcome his reservations about going to lunch with me and asked about that too. May go out with him on Sunday. That will be fun, at least it should.

Among the lot of somewhat stupid books that I got from library last time, there were two good ones. One was Henry Cecil’s Independent Witness and the other one was by Alexander McCall Smith - chocolate and something. sorry forgot the name. The first one is a hilarious one on Courtroom drama. It was truly funny how the truth was perceived differently by each witness. The other one is set in Edinburgh and the protagonist (who is a philosopher!) looks up something as sort of a detective. The detection part was nice but the end was slightly not to my liking. But the way Edinburgh and the life there has been potrayed is really nice. Now I so feel like going there. I read some other novels by him which were set in Africa - “Kalahari typing school for men” and “something lady detective agency”. They were too too good and again depicted the life out there so very well. It wasn’t raucously funny but rather subtly funny - the kind I like better. P G Wodehouse, any day!

Got myself another bunch of books yesterday. One more Henry Cecil, one more Alexander Mccall Smith - “Sunday Philosophy Club” (predecessor to the last book I read by him). I looked up SoClose’s recommendations and picked up “A is for Allibi” by Sue Grafton and “Shattered” by Dick Francis. “Indemnity” by Sara Paretsky and volume 3 of Miss Marple Omnibus. All I guess more or less based on crime and detection. Already finished the Sue Grafton novel. Liked it quite a lot. She has a different kind of writing style - is it sparse? - bare bone? - something different.

Well that is all. Might get up now and cook a few hearty vegetable pancakes for us.

The weak bad girl is back again. I cannot do without your love. Have a great weekend!

Yes. thank God it is friday! There is the movie date tomorrow. Though bad movie, maybe it will be okay still. I might buy a cover for my phone. May browse around a bit more. Why don’t I buy a fresh pair of jeans? Maybe I would do it! But I should lose weight soon and they it would go loose. Then I can wear it on days I feel bloated. let’s see.

I feel, the lunch with S on Sunday won’t work out. I have a sneaky feeling, he is feeling uncomfortable for some reason. Anyway, not going to do any pushing. I would have loved an hour’s conversation with him, without having to work out. But, it’s okay. I think I will read and maybe cook a bit.

I weighed 3 lbs extra today morning. So lost major turf on the weight loss challenge. However no use fretting. I did eat too much after dinner yesterday. Just couldn’t stop being restless. But good thing, I did not call up R. I am trying to read up on nutrition and be careful a bit more. Bought a small diary to keep note of food I eat. The people who are on the weightloss program in my gym and of course many others do that. Oh yeah, I am only trying to acheive general fitness officially.

Workout today was listless. though kept at it for about 2 hours due to S. But my mind was not fully in. So I kept doing badly. Chetaed on counts whenever S was not looking. bad behavior! S counted and told me I had said ‘irritating’, ‘tough’, ‘really tough’, ‘I want to go home’ at least 15 times. Anyways, still I think the ticker to count my cardio kms is paying off big time. I did 2.5 km even when I felt like stop walking every 30 secs. Planning to to gym tomorrow in the am and do some good amount of cardio. Hope I do.

Thank you everybody for the great support and love and encouragement. I am hanging in there. and well, for most part. Maybe I should look into the option of a new job, starting a week later. But then staying on had many benefits, plus I don’t want to run away. But staying also will complicate the getting over process much more. Let’s see how it goes.

Everyone have a great day and a very good weekend ahead. Love you all.

I woke up not feeling good. Went to gym but couldn’t do my complete workout. Only did about an hour. Not good at all for my weight loss challenge. Need to gear up again. Hopefully will be back to track tomorrow. Sent an whiny sms to S. He will get me into action, I hope.

I have been a bit more blue today. I know however much I reason with myself, I will have up days and down days. I am trying not to connect everything to what could have been in my life. Still feel I am doing much better than earlier. I hope I don’t lose it too much one of these days and undo all the good work.

Ella’s news has brought on some sober thoughts too. I need to work hard to keep my health and my financial security.

Well.. that’s about it for today.

Just thought I would write a quick one.

Well R came back day before yesterday. It is now finally over. That small voice of hope in my heart which was still thinking maybe he would choose me is now silenced (almost!). I knew that this is going to happen. But still it was hard to take. I fell apart a few times last two nights. The late nights make me feel so vulnerable and lonely and scared. But I am okay. I have made vast progress in growing up since my last break up. So I think I would be okay.

Many good things are happening.

One, I have tons of work to do. And fortunately I have lovely (for most part) coworkers (including R). So that is keeping me busy and happy for most part. I couldn’t work and was numb with sadness for a few hours yesterday but the day picked up later and I am in much better shape today.

Two, I am going okay on the exercise front. The tickers are helping. S as usual is fab and fun. My gym is now my biggest sanctuary. It is almost guaranteed good time for the hours I spend there. I just hope there is no plan yet in my fate for S leaving me too. I can handle only so much at once.

Three, some of my girl friends from work were thinking of going to a spa. I am encouraging them to visit a fab spa I went a couple years back. They had yummy massages, facials, skin enhancers, wraps - the whole works. I had tried only one massage last time and it was so divine. I think we will go there on the weekend before christmas. It is bringing a big smile of anticipation on my face.

One the very bad front of course is dealing with the breakup with R. I am trying to stay calm and logical and forgiving as much as possible. But not doing such a great job always. But anyway it has to be done - I have to become okay again and I will get there one way or other.

I sometimes visualize things. Like Soclose said that day, the wheel turns. I agree. I see this huge wheel with me kind of wrapped on the rim and it is turning. The peak of pain is when of course I am at the bottom of that wheel. Now I don’t know if I am going to the bottom or coming out of the bottom.

Then now I see myself mostly in pieces on the the floor. I am picking up the pieces and gluing them back up into me. Only I see that my smile is still dazzling and all intact on the floor.

Well, ini, stop the drama now. Nothing is so bad.

On the not so good front, that new guy who I met on Saturday is turning out to be a bit of a bore. But I am going to be water and be more patient as I am most definitely biased because of the other things in my life now. Hope I can feel more enthusiastic about him soon. He wanted us to go for a movie this Saturady. He expects me to get the tickets which is kinda okay. I had to change my schedule a LOT to be free at the time he wanted. and now the worst - we have to watch a stupid movie I had no intention of watching (not to mention the over-expensive Staurday evening tickets for that movie?? yuck!!!) , just to suit his schedule. I let it go after a mild protest. So I will go this time. Let’s see how the conversation goes there. The future is not looking good on that one, as of now.

Well, that is about it. Time for me to grab my  lunch now.

Everyone have a great great day! You bring light to my life.

Had a generaly good day yesterday. Woke up late around 9:30 am. After a sketchy, lazy breakfast, went to gym, met S and gave him the money. Afterwards went to the library to change my books.

 It was almost a month since I changed books. I was reading a rather heavy book called “God’s Little Soldier”. It has some interesting angle on religion and the protagonist is extremely religious. He tries to find himself - first as a born muslim and then later converts to chiristianity and at the end practices hinduism for a while too - all in his about 35 years of life. He feels he is God’s chosen one to save mankind. He tries to do lot of good but because (I think) he is ruthless and in a tearing hurry, he picks up very questionable means to his ends and for most part mankind needed to be saved from him. Then there is his brother and father who are extremely liberal and they have their ways too. It is an engrossing book though a bit scary and can take an emotional toll.

The other one was an english translation of an urdu novel called “Umrao Jaan Ada”. This has been made into a very successful hindi film in the eighties. Umrao Jaan is a courtesan in British India - around late 1800s. This one also is a superb biography novel. It talks of her life from when she got kidnapped at the age of about 12 and how another courtesan buys her and teaches her singing, dancing, poetry writing, her loves and losses - a long journey of a strong woman.

Anyway, this time I just did not want any heavy stuff - so just didn’t veer towards english fiction by Indian writers. I picked up a couple of novels on movies - one I think is “never been kissed” and one more - I have already forgotten the names. To go whole hog on light reading, I picked up a couple of Jackie Collins novels too. One Micheal Chrichton - “Five patients” and a couple more something. As in food, my gluttony shows up in reading too. That is why sometimes I think I don’t enjoy reading as I should. Rounded it all up by buying some magazines for mom.

Did some cooking too yesterday. Made that pasta salad with penne pasta, loads of bell pepper - green, yellow and red, a bit of carrot, onion, garlic and a dash of chilli, vinegar, mixed herbs and olive oil. It definitely was not anything authentic but it was yummy and fun and light too. Made some mixed vegetable curry - carrots, cauliflower, beans, capsicum, potatoes and a lentil soup with spinach to go with rice for dinner. I think I did okay vegetable wise yesterday and had a small bowl of pineapple too.

Did not work out yesterday even though I went to the gym. S was working out all seriously with gloves, belts - the whole paraphernelia. Anyway made it to gym today. Instead of pressing snooze, I stopped the alarm when it went off at 6 and slept on. Luckily the guy who works out before me didn’t come and S called up asking me to come early. I couldn’t go early but made it in time somehow. Worked out for about 2.5 hours - including lower body workouts, abs and cardio. I think making the ticker for walking goal is going to help me out.

S would be changing all the workouts by Wednesday and a new routine will start. Though I think in the last few months, we have not done any routine properly as both S and I kept missing workouts. Hopefully I would do better this time. He said he would give lower weights and higher repititions for next time. Will that be good?! Anyway, lets see for a few days.

By the way, there was a nutrition quiz in the gym on saturday. I would go and ask them the correct answers tomorrow, if I can remember. I did quite badly there. I hadn’t realized that I know so less. Though one question was - “How many calories are there in 60 ml of whiskey?”. Of course I have no clue whatsoever. But I guess that won’t hurt me. Which reminds me, maybe I should look up the calories in 60 ml of vodka, so if I go to a pub next time, I will be able to mar my enjoyment by counting calories. Anyway I hardly ever drink alcohol, so it’s okay.

Maybe I should try to figure out calories of what I eat everyday a bit more. Because we never measure ingredients, it could best be approximate. Then too finding out calorie content of each ingredient - it is going to be complicated arithmetic. So, let me stick to reasonably healthy options and exercise more and let’s see. Though eventually I guess I will have to sort out the eating more, because I may not be able to work out this much always. Hope I can though, because working out is far better than eating restrictions.

On that profound note, let me end my long post. Everybody have a great day in all possible ways. Love you!

Went through my entire blogroll. Almost no one had a new entry. So here comes my day.

The day started good. I checked my weight when I went to gym. I am down again a bit. 69.3 kg which is about 0.5 kg/1 lb down. Not so bad. The day I enrolled for that weight loss challenge, I was at 70.5 kg that day. So per them, lost quite a bit by the first week alone. I know that’s not the whole truth. Anyway, need to work harder next week. Should not squander it away. This week I did nothing extra to lose weight.

Next week I need to do more cardio. I am planning to follow round’s example to make a walking/cycling goal. I noticed that between the cross trainer and the treadmill, I managed 6 km today. I think I will have a goal of 200 km by Dec. end. I think 150 km can be doable. So let me try 200. Let’s see how that goes.

S has got into some trouble with the relatives he is staying. He has to move out to a new place within a couple of days. It’s a stupid mess. One of the kids in the house, had stolen S’s cell phone which is quite a costly one. Surprising that he has splurged so much on that phone. Anyway, S kind of caught her and got the phone back. Now the whole family is embarassed and wants him to move out. Here we need to pay ten months of rent in advance as deposit money with the landlord which often works out to be a hefty sum. I am loaning part of it to S. So may go gymwards again tomorrow. Maybe should work out a bit. Though when S suggested that today, I told him that working out on Sundays is a sin.

Oh ok, I went out to meet the new guy. This one was not the one I talked about earlier. I talked with him on phone quite a few times. Something sounded very phony about him. He sort of had the tendency to run over everything with his ideas and preferences and seemed a bit manipulative too. Maybe I am over-reacting, I don’t know. But planning to stick to my gut feeling.

So this is another guy that I went to meet. Mom is working hard. Anyways, this one is nice too. I think he makes less than me which is ok by me though I am not sure of that yet. Designation wise he is way ahead. It’s just that not all professions pay same here. He has a long navy background. Now in private sector though. What I liked in him - he is confident, seemed kind of balanced too. not so good - too much talking (insecurity? may get better later), a bit hyperactive. not good - well, he is not R and he doesn’t drive. I know that’s silly but I always wanted a boy friend/ husband who drives very well, so we can have many long drives. What my mom won’t like is that he is short, I am ok about that. Anyway, let’s see how it goes. I hope he doesn’t try to change me a lot. Poor guys - they will often sound so enthusiastic and I am often not even half there. This is why I want to wait. Anyways let’s see.

After that meeting was over, I roamed about in a smallish shopping mall for a couple of hours. It was quite nice. I bought a nice notebook and some crazy pencils for work. Then went to the food section. Bought a wine bottle opener - have lost one somehow. Planning to make risotto tomorrow. So have to open the bottle of white wine in the fridge. I picked up a couple of Pringles pack but somehow got bored after a while and kept them back. I surprised myself so. I guess I am thankful I lost a pound without doing much - don’t want to screw that up. Bought bell peppers colored bright red and yellow. May make a colorful pasta salad tomorrow with the whole wheat pasta I bought. Got myself a nice lip gloss too. Even roamed near the purfume counters and almost bought one but stopped myself in time.

The perfume counters drive me crazy. I have hardly any make-up stuff, much skin and hair care stuff which lies neglected, but quite a lot of perfumes. Love the bottles - both inside and outside. May treat myself to chanel no 5 once I lose 10 kgs. At least I will lose my head sniffing and trying many of them. Like wine testing, there should be something similar for perfumes. Maybe there is!

Everyone have a great weekend! I love you!

So many things.. oh, sooo many things..

I skipped office and gym both and again yesterday. I woke up feeling awful again. Just couldn’t face up to the whole long day at work. I kept on thinking that I would go even if late but still couldn’t. This has scared my mom a bit, I think. She has kind of agreed to my point of view. She kept cooking me goodies yesterday and today. I felt so bad for her. Poor lady is scared of me, scared for my future. Wish I could do something to take away her worries, her pains. Kind of keep her in a world insulated from all pain. She is trying so hard to take care of me when it is so completely my turn. I used to visualize keeping my parents inside a mobile glass bubble where no pain can touch them. But I guess that can be awfully boring. :-)  Life is tough for her now, but she must be having some fun trying to work it out.

This not being able to face work scared me a bit too. I need to do almost anything to avoid the onset of a long depression. I talked to myself some yesterday and tried to pin point what is bothering me so much. I think (I am never sure), I need some time to close the book on R, mourn the relationship before I can want to meet want new guys. This pressure of trying to meet new guys and trying to find nice interesting things to say is killing me. I just need to go off this now. As usual my timing is all wrong. I am getting too old and if I want any family, it is high time I get on it. But what can I do? My life is plain refusing to follow the conventional Indian woman’s life. I am more and more settling down and becoming okay with my – what is it – waywardness or freakiness – whatever. :-)  This American term – whatever – I love using it.

There is trouble ahead. Closing the book on R wouldn’t be easy at all. I like him immensely plus he has become a habit. Of all the bad things, I will have to go on working with him for quite some time. For both of us, this job is working out fine and none of us want to simply change the job. As it is, it is tough enough to break off, interacting with him everyday while trying to cut off all personal equation is going to be a killer. I at least have gone through the horrible pains of the heartbreak once before when I broke off with my ex-boy friend, so maybe just maybe I would fare a little bit better this time around. I don’t know how R is going to handle it as I am his first serious relationship. Maybe I am worrying for nothing, hopefully he would be the emotionally stronger one and I would only have to deal with my problem. Anyway enough of that. I know I will somehow come out of this too, a little battle scarred maybe, a little more cold-hearted maybe – but stronger and maybe a little bit more confident. And if I can hang on to my weight loss program, I will come out of this looking good in every way. I just need to remember to stop myself from cursing R’s parents to hell, in my mind. Just like I don’t feel like meeting new guys now, they don’t feel like having me as their daughter-in-law. It is their choice – wrong choice of course – but still only theirs to make.

I am having a far better day today. Doesn’t mean I won’t go down again. But I would guard hard against that. I am back to work anyway.

It is surprising that I am actually having a sort of good day – emotionally at least. Just one year on this day, I lost my dad. My dad had made enough fuss all his life. But he just died that morning – only mom was there. In fact even she wasn’t. He had worked on his stock portfolio, even the night before. Somehow at the night, he fell badly when he was going to the loo. Since my mom was sleeping under medication, it took him a while to wake her up. He had a bad pain in his waist. My mom called the apartment caretaker and they took him to a nearby hospital. My dad was perfectly lucid and was directing my mom’s every move. The doctor came and after preliminary check-ups, decided to admit him for a day or two for the waist. They wheeled him upstairs to a room and my mom was downstairs filling up the paperwork. She did it and went upstairs to check up on him and he wasn’t any more. In that short time, he had a massive heart attack and that was that. It was after that my mom called us (it was only 6:30 am) and the doctor called our neighbors. Could something have been done? He was only 65. We would live with that.

It has been so many years that I have been away from home for work. Before that too, dad had to stay alone for quite a few years, as mom stayed with us in another city for our schooling. The things our parents had done! I make at least 5 times of what my dad got as his salary (though later he did much better with his trading), and so many times I run out of money. It is a mystery how my parents ran two establishments in two cities and paid for our education too – two engineers – though thankfully our college education was virtually free fee-wise but there were tons of other stuff. Anyway, the thing is I think, since dad has been away from my daily life so much, it still hasn’t sunk in. It is as if he is just away somewhere and would just be back any time. Or I am a numb cruel person.

I keep thinking so much more about him these days. For the first few months, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Now I remember him a few times a day. I have always been a heavy dreamer. And he is there almost everyday. I remember how I used to think of all the books and all the movies where your dad just speaks to you and tells you what you should do. I will stare or turn fast to catch a glimpse of him sitting on his favorite sofa or just a chair watching us. He was never anywhere. 

I had a hard time learning to drive when I was 18. I was very scared and just couldn’t get it. Dad gave up and then one of the drivers from his factory came and taught me. He is another awesome character. I still could barely drive when he wasn’t sitting beside me. I don’t know what dad thought because he couldn’t stop telling me how I could do anything if only I would want to do it and try and work a little harder, but I was sure I would never drive independently. Meanwhile my bro learned driving almost on his own and honed it in a nearby driving school. He is crazy about all modes of transportation – starting from bikes to cars to trucks to trains to airplanes. He forced me to buy the car. His logic was if his girl friend could drive, most definitely I could too. :) and just taught me for one day and I could actually drive. He sat with me for a week on the way to and from office and I started to drive around independently. And trust me, in Bangalore traffic and with my skills that is no mean feat at all. And I wanted so bad to show off my driving to my dad. They were supposed to come visit us and I was supposed to get them from airport and get them in style in my car. And we were to go on long drives of which each of us in our family are crazy. Only it never happened. Okay, I took my mom around but no fun at all without dad and his comments. I kept imagining him sitting beside me while I was driving but what good is that!

I bugged him and bugged him and got them to make their passports. So we could have at least one holiday abroad, maybe one cruise too. My dad would have loved that. They got the passports too. But I couldn’t plan the trips soon enough. Who knew this would happen when both his parents lived to more than eighty. But I should have acted sooner. I kept saying I need to plan a trip abroad soon before one of them falls too sick (and I always thought that would be mom), but I just said that and couldn’t get around actually acting on it.

Well, I know I was his favorite. My bro was too but because I came first, I just got the bigger chunk of his heart. Not fair? My brother tried and became more his friend. To my ever lasting grief now, I did not always make the effort to be really close to him. Oh, I got him gifts galore and he was mighty fond of them too. But we couldn’t agree on many things and I wanted to avoid fights at all costs and so I kept quite and let discussions become monologues. And I never did tell enough how much I loved him. The one guy who loved me so much, who after so much disagreements too had almost unconditionally supported on me on anything I did, I did not love him back enough.

Oh what to say of weight loss now. Dad, your not being here as my last resort on everything any more, has scared me enough and I am learning only now to try to be more healthy. But as you said, I would do it – I can do it. I can do anything, right?