Am I weird?
I am sorry to be staying away. I just do not have time. I am working on making some time. We are just starting this new team here for which so far I am the single person available. We have an almost insanely stringent hiring process. But plodding through it. It will take time for things to stabilize and me to earn the trust of the original global team. However have a good rapport with my boss and his boss here. I love the work. This is the first time I am working on softwares for the global money markets. I find it fascinating. But the work load is killer. I work from 9 am to 9:30 pm daily and some times more. This is temporary and I don’t mind putting in the effort. This definitely has got me noticed in a new organization in a really short time. Generally it takes much longer to build a reputation. But anyway the bottom-line is that I literally have no time at all. I wake up at 7 and sleep at about 12. All my waking time, I work and I travel to work. It is 7 am now. I will go to work a little late. I do manage to read your posts via google reader at times. But cant always come back to comment. Please bear with me for a while and I will be back full on.
In between this insane schedule, we managed to snatch away a weekend break. Went to a few beaches. Not at all far from home. The hotel we stayed in was a few metres away from the sea. It was nice to sit on the window and watch the waves and the people and the kids. We took a small boat to an old fort built in the 1690s. The sea has come forward now and the fort is surrounded by water. Not submerged though and people live inside. We lost our way a few times thanks to faulty reading of GPS, which was a lot of fun to cruise through the narrow lanes of the sleepy town filled with big firm-houses. Also went to a few other beaches nearby and a ramshackle old jetty. The food wasn’t too bad as we forgot to eat a few times and had to make do with light snacks. When we sat down for a full meal, everyone wanted light stuff again, so it wasn’t too bad. I ate, rather slurped on quite a few crushed ice cones. They were good fun on the hot sun.
As you can make out, diet is not that good these days. Though I do manage to eat light meals most of the time. Do eat a breakfast and a lunch of vegetables and lentils. But often end up binging at night. Working on reducing that. Also I actually do manage to forget to eat because of the work. So my blood sugar is also not how it should be. Meanwhile need to join a gym too. Planning to do that this weekend. Also may have to work on this Saturday. You can make out how muddled I am, can’t you?
Now the thing which prompted the write. I suddenly caught up with a dear old friend in yahoo yesterday. She is such a nice girl. She is in Detroit now, on a short visit. And she lives here in Chennai, the city which has three climates - hot, hotter and hottest. She seems to enjoy the cold there. Anyways she had long back married her college sweetheart. I don’t really know what went wrong, but they started staying apart very soon after marriage and eventually got divorced after a long separation. I got the feeling that the main cause was very possessive in-laws and I guess the guy gave up after being caught in the middle for too long. Still it is very sad. Because I distinctly felt that her hubby was actually quite a nice guy and she is a really really good person. So don’t know why it unravelled quite so bad. Meanwhile my friend’s parents were rather frantic and wanted her to save the marriage at any cost. Divorce is as yet not so common out here and there are many families who are yet to taste any.
So anyway, even the divorce has been finalized at least 3-4 years back. I am quite sure the guy has remarried too. But my friend here is still carrying it. I mean she is happy in general. But she is not at all open to any other relationship or even the thought of it. She is adamant that all guys are bad. I find that such a waste as she has so much love to give and share. I am not saying that there is a soul-mate waiting for her or any such crap but still… So all this made me think of me.. how come I am so happy and quite carefree only a year after the R mess.. I was seriously down, wasn’t I?.. and now here I am… I am not really looking out for another relationship yet… I am happy being single.. I love the freedom that I get to spend so much time doing the work I love because I am free… But I don’t think all guys are bad or anything… maybe that is because I have a super brother and she is a single kid… I am very friendly with the guys at work.. no romantic expectations or anything, but I genuinely enjoy working with them and making fun with and of them… Does this make me a fool who is setting herself up nicely for another fall?… does this mean I will again make the same mistake?… that’s scary… not only because of the pitless pain.. I just don’t want to think of myself at all as someone who is a fool.. there are only a few things I am proud of… the biggest among them is that I think I am reasonably intelligent.. I don’t want to have to drown that self image too… Maybe she got hurt more depply and for all my lamentations mine didn’t actually go that deep.. which is good… but I really dont want to make another mistake.. I mean just how many more times my brother and mom will collect my pieces and put me together.. I can seriously lose my sanity, if I pull another R trick… I know all this but I somehow can’t seem to make myself serously scared and worried and defensive… I still laugh and flirt and work and generally be like nothing at all is wrong with me… I really really hope I am not a fool…
On that hopeful note, let me get up and get ready for work… My love to all of you here… no foolishness there… I am sure and certain of this one pure love I feel for all of you… Do well.. be well.. I will catch up with you soon…
tjnorth said,
January 27, 2009 @ 11:17 pm
Oh sweetie you are NOT weird! Your are smart and funny and you know just how much you are worth and what you deserve. Everyone, at least everyone I know, has had their heart broken at least once…this is what I think about hearts: they heal, then you are open to love again. That doesn’t make you a fool. That makes you brave. I think sometimes people don’t want to believe in the healing because they get used to the hurt feelings, like someone living with the pain from an amputated limb. But broken hearts heal.
anngirl said,
January 28, 2009 @ 3:42 am
Great to see you INi! Relieved and Happy that you are doing so well.
You know what Ini - there’s nothing wrong with you. We’re all different - I held a torch for 4 years before grudgingly giving it up. I wish it was not that way because I hurt for way way too long.
Be happy and enjoy your joy for life. We both know how it feels to be in such heartache -
Celebrate your joy, your flirting, your hope for the future.
It’s that optimism and joy that brings one goodness.
To be in fear and anxious - honestly - WHO wants that?!
Enjoy hon! You’ll know what’s right when it comes along…
Take Care
xoxox
ellabella said,
January 28, 2009 @ 7:19 am
Oh, Ini - how lovely to hear from you! And with such good news! I’m so happy that things are going well and that you enjoy your job so much (despite the grueling schedule). It sounds like you are well and truly over that past “R” stuff and ready to live your life for YOU…as well you should. Good for you!
Hugs,
Z
lodyangel said,
January 29, 2009 @ 8:28 pm
First let me just say that you are not weird. You are normal to be open and friendly and maybe even welcoming if falling in love again should happen for you. That’s a good, normal healthy thing. And trust me, even though you don’t think it is, once you have been hurt so deeply by someone, you will never allow anyone else to get that close to you again- to be able to exact such damage. It’s a defense mechanism. Your friend has chosen to live her life one way, you another. Neither of you are weird. People are just different.
Glad to see you are over R and loving and living life!
islandgrl said,
January 31, 2009 @ 8:37 am
Hey good to hear from you and good to hear you are doing so well and enjoying your “new” life.
I am glad to see you are not letting one bad relationship and broken heart jade you for life. Life is far too short to stop living because of a man.
Pop in when you can and keep us posted.
round said,
February 2, 2009 @ 4:00 am
Hi Ini, good to hear from you. If you need a sympathetic ear in the “I work too much in my new job” I’m here for you, doing exactly the same thing and now a month in trying to figure out how to keep up with the work AND start to lose weight again.
It’s great to see you so happy and full of vigor, and I agree the R thing seems completely behind you.
I am a BIG believer in separating love and work, keeping a 100% no-dating-at-work rule. It allows for just a tad of flirtation (that you know will go nowhere) and helps you trust and make friends at work (since you know there will be nothing more). I’ve always found it to be a really helpful separation, forcing me to look actively for love outside of the work circle (and thus encourage me to be a more interesting and well-rounded person) and avoiding potentially awkward or painful situations at work. Besides, it’s great for us professional women to be strong and good at work, and just regular women in our private lives.
Bobbie said,
February 2, 2009 @ 6:54 pm
I am so glad you got some time away to relax. I am glad your job is going well although keeping you busy and away from US. Life happens like that sometimes. Don’t worry, you’ll be in our thoughts and we’ll still be here when you come back. I love your attitude.
Hugs!
lynard said,
February 9, 2009 @ 12:19 pm
What you are is relsiliant girl! Even though I can’t spell it. So glad you’re doing well and that you are feeling so centered.