song of the road

I was doing quite well… Then I don’t know how it snuck up on me… I am in the middle of a bad relapse again.. I feel like weeping all the time… saying even one word needs such an effort.. I am so scared… Though I started off being angry… I thought I had lost my anger about R going scotfree and me taking all the grief over what has happened… I guess I am over reacting…

I am on the verge of leaving the job even earlier than planned…. I am trying to hang on for another month… just for myself… let’s see… I bunked work for quite a few days last week and have managed to drag my body in today somehow…

I know all will be well… I know I have an exciting life ahead… This is only one phase… everyone has ups and downs… I will be doing well for quite a while and then suddenly the grief will hit like a big wave and I can barely breathe…

anyway, enough of that… I am at work now… Feeling like dung… However the stay at home was not bad… I cooked some… yesterday I made pasta in spinach sauce… it came out well… then there were the beetroot parathas and beet bread rolls… I read a couple of books by Maeve Binchy… Really liked her upbeat stories… I think I will be more regular in listening to Mckenna… they kind of work… I formatted my PC and reloaded Windows… while re-partitioning, I by mistake formatted more drives than I intended to… so the upshot is that I have lost all old data, photos, books everything :).. I was surprisingly calm… I guess it was because it was my fault…. however… Doing some job hunting too…

Crying on your shoulders has made me feel a little better… on then, march on iniya… it will all be okay… to be precise, I am not in that much trouble, anyway…. I guess I need to have more steel in me rather than the salt pillar I am…

Love you all….

Nothing much new is happening. I am yet to exercise regularly. I am doing a little better foodwise. I am still eating more or less whatever I want. Only trying to stop the moment I feel full or the food doesn’t taste so good any more. I think I have a lost a kg just like that.

Another one and half month left in this company. Sometimes I feel a little sad but mostly relieved. However as the change is coming nearer, I am getting a little worried about money. This would be the first time in eleven years after I graduated from college that I would be without a monthly salary. I am still not job hunting very hard. Must start soon. I am getting out of the lethargy a little every day.

I am still with Paul Mckenna. I loved his weightloss CDs as well. Though there was one CD which is for some mind programming - kind of hypnosis. That didn’t work too well after first time. He was speaking in a very slow speed and I was getting impatient. I was doing better the first time, but my brother called in between and I lost the thread. Anyway, the positivity CDs are helping me a great deal, I think.

Love to you all. Stay well, my dear dear friends….

I have got my hands on the Positivity CDs of Paul McKenna. They seem to be really good. I have listened to only the first two episodes twice before going to sleep. Already I am feeling so much better. I had been missing gym for so long. Today without any prior planning, I got up much earlier and went to gym. I am feeling happier and more enthusiastic about life. Ruby, Annie, please give it a try. He has a two CD pack for weight loss. I am going to get that next.

 About my last post, I am planning to get into weight training once more. Then I am trying to go for a healthier choice almost all the time. I am not beating myself up when I slip. Because I am going to count all the time when I don’t slip. I will lose slowly this way but I will stay guiltlessly happy in the process. Even if I can make good food choices in an average of 50% per day, I am going to be happy. Also I am planning to have more protein in food and more walking and stairs etc in my non-exercising part of the day. I will do some and miss some. Even though I have gained back all the weight I had lost, I now eat fruits absolutely every day and in fact have managed to love fruit. A year back that was unimaginable. So with all my slow progress etc, I am sure by next year I would have incorporated more healthy habits in my life.

On the life front, more or less all is calm. I missed out a really good job interview call by not checking my mails regularly. I have applied now. But I am not sure if I will get a call now. However I am going to start job hunting with more vigor. Just the fact that I am moving out of here, has healed me much. Hopefully Mr. McKenna would do the rest.

Hope you all doing fabulously well. Love and good thoughts for you.

I was reading this article in Prevention about why guys seem to lose weight so much more easily than we women do. I am just writing the main points here, in case you find them interesting –

• They don’t crave sweets. Apparently while women would turn to chocolate, potato or something cheesy, guys go for more protein like a roasted chicken breast. So if we too more protein heavy food, we will be more satiated and of course can drink water also helps.
• They don’t berate themselves when they screw up. They don’t aim for perfection and so they are less likely to fail. There’s this 80% rule: hit your weight loss goals 80% every single day you can. Some day – 120%, some 50%, some 20% - but make sure it averages to 80%.
• They go for weights with muscle. Well, women too should train with heavier weights as muscles help to lose weight faster.
• They don’t use food as a therapist. More importantly they get physical with anger. A guy who gets angry goes out and pounds nails. Of course major generalization, but the idea is to get moving when we are angry.
• They don’t give up things they like. This is where I found a great idea. I am not sure if it works or not. Apparently, Toronto based weight loss coach Mary Crawford lost more than 20 kilos on what she calls the enjoyable diet – a program she developed that allowed her to eat whatever she wanted, every day. The catch; she restricted herself to 800 calories every other day and didn’t diet on the alternate days. It solves the girly dilemma: I want it – lots of it – because I can’t have it.

What do you think? I am quite intrigued by this enjoyable diet idea. But calorie counting here is tough. I am thinking if I can mould it to my situation. Also I am thinking about buying a pedometer.

Love you ladies. : ) Keep well.

I would need to lose 22 lbs to go back to this.

Thank you all so very much. I do actually feel a lot more beautiful. I know I should not think so much about my weight. I don’t actually. Or I think so. Now that I have a little less busy few months ahead of me, I am planning to do some catch up.

I am right now trying to read up and find out if you do strength training to lose weight and have to stop for a while, do you gain back with a vengeance? That does sound like a myth. But maybe true. I need to pick up sustainable habits.

Round, the beetroot salad sounds divine. I am planning to look it up. The eggplant salad I made was simple. I cut one medium eggplant and one large capsicum in half inch size pieces. I sprayed a dish with some vegetable oil and started to grill these first. Then threw in corasely chopped onion (a medium one), a few pods of crushed garlic and a few green chillies finely chopped. After a while added a couple of large tomatoes corasely chopped. It all came out nice and a little juicy from the tomatoes. Had it with whole wheat bread.

I like the salad recipes in joy’s page. Planning to make some of them. I cannot really cut out carb completely. I love them way too much. Also fat is brain food. But planning to do so only at dinner. Not today though. I am thinking of planning something and buying groceries for it. Anyway good fun being back to gym. Hopefully nothing too much would happen and take me away again.

Lots of love to you all. I am planning to put more weight loss thoughts here. I want to focus on this a bit more for now. I need to be healthy and solvent for my children. Hope they are doing well, wherever they are.

gym again.. only today morning… did 45 mins of cardio… feeling a little sore and very nice… I realized that I have gained a neat 10 kgs from last November. All my weight loss earlier has been completely reversed and I have gone higher actually. Well… that’s done… If I can keep working out for a while, I will lose it again.. I will be more careful in maintaining this time… it hurt a little to see others to be so much slimmer in the gym… but anyway I am not going to think too much about that… a scale climbing down would be a lot of fun..

Nothing new is happening… I am trying to do a small piece of embroidery… also doing sme cooking… yesterday I made something called “pizza paratha”.. It is flat bread with stuffing of aubergine, capsicum, tomato, onion and a little cheese… it was good fun… then the day before, I made grilled eggplant salad… that was very very good… I am planning to make that again… I am anyway eating a ton of fruits everyday, courtesy my mom… if a cannibal eats me now, I dare say my flesh would be sweet with a filling of assorted fruits :)… so I am planning (this one here is the operative word) to cut carb from my dinner and have some salads and soups… I should have fun cooking and eating that… don’t know if it would be feasible though…

This weight loss and gaining back is making me think about changes that I can sustain… cutting carbs from dinner.. sustainable?… what do you think? Let me see how I do… even if I fail eventually, I would still have eaten better for a while… I was reading about raw foodism a few days back… it is very interesting.. I dont think that is something that I can do at all… but in small doses it could be good…

Lots of love to you all…..