song of the road

Tomorrow is another great day. I am becoming a little self-help bookish type. : ) I am trying the positive self-talk thing. I hope that will help. I am not so much bothered about R any more. But I think my body hasn’t got the message yet. Last to last week, I could go to work for 3 days and then took leave for 2 days. Last week, I went for 2 days and was home for 3 days. I am going to try really hard to go to work all days this week. What a huge goal! : ) But I suddenly get completely apathetic. I wasn’t writing here and I was scared even to check my mail and was avoiding your comments as well. I felt like hiding forever. Anyway the last five continuous days at home helped a bit. Also there is my mom. Whenever I stand up, she manages to dislodge the rug below my feet. Hopefully I will jump off the rug in time this time.

Anyway so instead of thinking positive things, I am writing down a small essay everyday. There I write all that I can think at that moment about why I love me and why I can be loved and what good things I am going to do the next day. My goal now is to first become beautiful and then become a writer and meanwhile be successful in my software career. : ) Yeah, I know, me and my ever changing goals. But then how to live without a goal? I picked up a book in library called “What do I do when I want to do Everything?” The title called to me. I am yet to read it. Just read one page of the prologue. I do think she is talking about someone like me. I become too joyous at every prospect and get distracted or bored soon after. I want to do so much, learn so much, see so much and I know perhaps I wont even read so much. To come back, I think the writing good things about myself is working a bit. Though it is only 3 days yet, these 3 days have been happily productive. This writing good things about me is a bit silly but my confidence is so low now that I need it. I don’t even know why my confidence has gone and keep disappearing like that. I mean I am really not particularly unhappy about anything. It’s just that sometimes everything seem completely pointless and worthless. Taking one extra step becomes difficult.

Apart from the essay thingy, I have another strategy to hang on at work. This is necessary as I am not getting another job right now. I have the financial stability to let go of this job without another in hand but I DO NOT WANT TO RUN AWAY. I will not go away. It is more or less impossible to avoid R when he sits less than 3 feet away. But if he bothers me even in any small unintentional way, I am going to go downstairs and take a walk. Or I will overcome my shyness and go and start chatting with someone else. I can make them laugh. I will laugh too. I will find out new things and it will refresh me. Those are such silly easy things and all people know to do these on their own from their youth. I am taking so long to catch up. But still what the heck? It’s fun in a way.

Okay, now the other BIG news. Brother dear is getting married on 14th June in Bangalore. I have managed most of the arrangements. I have finished the invitations verbally. Need to meet few friends and hand the invitation cards yet. We have arranged for a good caterer. Hopefully he will deliver well on that day. It is going to be a lavish buffet dinner. I will post photos of the bride and the groom and the food and the flowers. We are going to have a very small ceremony with no religious rituals. T is my brother’s fiancée. Her parents are not too happy about it. So they will have another ceremony for the religious trappings. Since my brother, my mom and I are not big on religion, we are more comfy with a small ceremony. Well, of course it is not the perfect situation to have two ceremonies but whatever! And my mom is jealous as hell about the fact that her daughter is not married yet and T is having so much fun. She gets on my nerves at times. One my mom’s sisters met T a few days back and she liked T a lot and my mom was not happy about it. It’s like T can’t win any way. : ) Mom predicts I will sing a different tune once I know her better. I try to empathize with my mom’s pain and immaturity and her narrow definition of happiness but as you can make out from my tone I am not all that successful. But life goes on.

T has bought a lovely red Sari with heavy golden embroidery to wear on that day. It is a gorgeous traditional piece. We have hired a professional make-up artist for her and me. This lady is supposed to be very good and she does make-ups for models ad actresses. I have ordered my brother’s made-to-fit suit. It is a lovely shade of grey with ultra think lines of purple and perhaps silver running through. It does look well on him. The last finish will be done when he is here. They both have bought the rings. My bro’s one is diamonds on platinum. Diamonds for T as well, perhaps on gold. Mom has decided to give T her wristlets (that’s like a lovely wide ornamented band of gold to be worn on wrist). All this can be worn only on a few days of one’s life as it is not safe to flaunt gold here. Though we are not buying much. Most traditional Indian marriages mean hordes of gold ornament. R’s wife must have at least ten times of what T is getting, rather having to buy herself. T’s parents cant afford to buy any jewellery for her which is okay. So T is sponsoring all the stuff her parents are supposed to give her and my mom is not happy. I don’t see why it is any of her business. But mom thinks they shouldn’t make T and my bro spend so much. Marriages are complicated even when they are happening after at least 10 years of love.

 I am yet to buy the jewellery I am going to gift her. Need to get that done soon. I am planning some light pearl stuff so she can wear them sometimes. Unlike me she does wear a lot of jewellery – cosmetic and otherwise. I need to buy a dress for me too. My growing fatter is not helping. But I am not going to mind that and be merry anyway.  My brother’s boss is being mean about giving him leave. He is supposed to come down here this Saturday but he is not yet sure about his leave. So a small storm is brewing there as well.

That is enough for today. I still need to catch up with you all. I just need to catch up on work a little bit first. Then I will slowly get to normal. I love you.