A late rebel!
I am doing mostly okay. Food is reasonably good. Started going to gym from yesterday and again planning to be regular.
I did some soul searching in last week and found out that I would like to make my own decisions from now on. I will try to not let my mom manipulate me in to doing what she wants. It’s a long story how all this came about but I can’t go in to all that as I have a lot to do at work and must run soon.
Anyway, I am going to take care of my mom as best as I can but not be her slave. I generally ignore a lot of bad things and often refuse to see the bad side of the things. I say this with very less anger that my mom has always made me do whatever she has wanted and never treated me like an independent human being. I was always supposed to be weak, inefficient and worthless at times. Whereas the expectations from me has been higher than that from my brother, the respect given to me has been less. Each of my activity has been twisted and made as a proof of my weakness and an excuse for my mom to drive me. Anyway, whatever is done is done. Now we are both adults and equal. I am not going to take revenge on her but neither am I going to let her use me to acheive her dreams. I have done it for very long and I think I have paid my dues. I am going to ignore her sulks. She needs to grow up.
Also I am planning to go back to work next month as originally planned instead of asking for an extension. R is a very bad person. He couldn’t wait a month after our break off to decide to marry someone else. Then he kept talking to her and flaunting her to hurt me. I have done nothing wrong in trusting him and giving the relationship my best. I am not going to run away from the situation and face it. I have not done any wrong, why must I assume the guilt and pain? It’s okay for someone to stop loving me when he wants to. Why should my life stop for that?
So I am going to work hard at my career. Try my hand in writing a bit. Exercise and lose weight. I think now that I am taking responsibility for my own decisions, I am feeling light and bright. My junk food eating has stopped too, maybe only temporarily. I will make a few wrong decisions and maybe falter a bit but I am not going let anyone to make me think less of me. However strongly someone sites someone else’s example to prove how I am going to have a barren and unhappy life, I know I won’t. I am going to be happy and strong. I am nobody’s door mat any more.
A little too late to rebel? 
But better late than never to find one’s sense and sense of worth.
Lots of love to you all.
ellabella said,
April 24, 2008 @ 5:36 am
Yay, Ini !!!!!! This, incidentally, isn’t really a rebellion. It’s a coming of age. And, it’s exactly what you need to be doing. I’m proud of you, sweetie!
Hugs,
Z
soclose said,
April 24, 2008 @ 11:53 am
I can’t tell you how fantastic it is to hear you talk like this!!!!!! I think you’ve made a breakthrough!!! Keep going!!! YES!!!
() ( ) () ( ) ()——-me, clapping wildly!!!!!
islandgrl said,
April 24, 2008 @ 5:20 pm
Never too late. Good for you.
rubyjean said,
April 24, 2008 @ 7:49 pm
This is not rebellion, Ini, this is growing up. I’ve been in those shoes with regards to mothers, really. It took me until my late twenties/early thirties to do what you’re doing. I love my mom too, but establishing boundaries with her was so hard; she always took it as rejection, and, in her way, would punish. Meanwhile….boundaries are healthy and normal and grown up - they’re not rejection, they’re not disloyalty, they’re not rebellion and you deserve to have them! Your mom will get over it, and love you still, and respect you more. I’m so happy that you have found this new sense of self and purpose. You’re liked, loved and respected here, I hope you remember that. Sorry for sounding lecture-y! Love, Ruby
anngirl said,
April 26, 2008 @ 8:04 pm
Right on homegirl! Right on!
Keep your head up and march forward ok!
Be good to yourself
xoxoxoxoxo