song of the road

On good front, I went to gym. Then got fed up and left after fighting with S. He kept on harping about how much weight I have gained. I kept quite for a long time. Even at one point another trainer told that it is okay to gain a little weight as that is why they are there to help. S still kept on and on about loss of stamina, muscles etc. I know it is not his fault. Then he was taking my fitness test. I did poorly and kept on getting angrier with each comment. Then while running on treadmill, I ran flat out for a minute and my heart was jackhammering but for some reason the heart rate monitor showed it to be much lower. So he kept on increasing speed. I asked him to stop and then I moved on to the next stationary machine. But he just wasn’t listening. So I said I would leave if he doesn’t stop. He asked me to go ahead and leave and I did. I got very angry. Anyway, one more thing to deal with. My fuse is getting shorter and shorter.

I wrote a couple of longish emails and that “my room” thingie and cooled down a bit. Then I found out that R has taken leave and has allowed everyone to take leave at once. We had some argument and I lost my head again. His in-laws are visting and that is his emergency to allow whole team to be absent on a support contract. Well his watertight excuse is that he has told our manager and he is okay. Really I should have let it go at that. But I yelled like a maniac. And then called my brother and cried and howled that I want to leave this job this minute. I cooled down again after a while.

Only good to happen out of all this is that I am getting friendlier with my mom. Otherwise I feel I will become a howling raving lunatic soon. I don’t know why this is hitting so hard and so late. sick! sick! sick!

My brother’s wedding fiascos are near over. I managed to get my mom around having the religious ceremony (albeit a short one) as well here. Hope there won’t any more issues. I am a little bit angry at having to give way to them. But I am too exhausted too. And as my mom said, the situation is getting bizarre. If the choice is between cutting my brother by half and taking a piece or to let him go and live in one piece, better to let him go. I am still a bit scared and worried. But whatever is to happen will happen. I am exhausted and not sure that I can keep it all together. My head is throbbing with madness.

I will catch up with everyone once I can get my breath back. I am too restless to read even a little bit.