Sweating the small stuff
I started going to gym yesterday. Will go today as well. Mom has gone out for some fresh vegetables. Once she is in, I will go. Mom insists on buying vegetables everyday. It is impractical for someone like me, but for her it is a good excuse to walk in the fresh air for a while everyday. Also it makes her feel more useful. Though she does do all house management these days.
I went to gym after a long time yesterday. I was planning to start Monday. But mom asked me to try to go yesterday. I was reading a book then. I told her I would think about it. She came back 10 minutes after looking very scared to ask again. I felt bad and I was not so against going anyway and so went there. It wasn’t so bad. I would take some time before starting with weight trainings. First I need to try building some stamina by doing cardio. I managed to hang on various cardio machines for about an hour. Not enough sweat I am afraid but got quite tired.
I now weigh more than what I weighed when I joined the gym. I fail to feel too bad about it. Though I do realize I am again back in obese category. I worked so hard to be out of the seventies and now I am well past it. I hope since I gained all this weight rather quickly in two months, I would be able to lose it soon too. I don’t know. 
I am not dieting any yet. But I am slowly cutting down. I have banished chips. Still eating cheese and chocolate. I am planning to eat any snack as long as I make it from scratch at home. That way it is healthier and a little stress busting as well. By the way, I baked a vegan chocolate cake using a recipe I saw on orkut. It came out very well. yipppeeee!!! my first chocolate cake was horrendous.
One would think staying at home would be more stress free. Well it is. But my mom can’t help but keep on reminding me again and again about all that I need to do. Like renew my passport, give my car for servicing, call the guy for servicing the computer, drop the check for the credit card. I do need to do all this. But some one continuously following up makes me nervous, irritable and guilty. I need to gently tell her that. I will tell her, I will do all the chores, just be more patient and don’t be behind me all the time. She will listen I think as she is rather walking on egg shells around me. 
But she will sometimes tell me to get on with my office work as well! excuse me! I don’t need that kind of monitoring.
Yesterday when I went to gym, I saw S for a second when he was leaving. He didn’t realize that I would come back so soon. He was looking good. My heart actually fluttered a bit. I was very happy to see him. Then yesterday night I called him to discuss about my re-joining the personal trainer program. From there we veered towards other topics. It’s good to talk to him. He asked me come out to meet him socially today. Now that is a problem.
You remember once how I seriously considered having a relationship with him. There is no way in heaven or earth it would work out. I am barely ready to go through that kind of nonsense again. I made another mistake yesterday in telling my mom about his asking me out. She obviously is dead against it. She doesn’t know about my feelings. She feels even though I only mean to be just “friendly”, he may read it otherwise and there will be lot of trouble in extricating myself from an uncomfortable situation. It has happened earlier.
There was another guy I met online. That was just after I had garduated and started working. This guy was a very needy kind of a person. He used to keep talking how no one understands him and his father hated and berated him and favored his sister. He was doing no good working wise. So I used to say some nice things to bolster his confidence. That backfired big time. He used to call me at any times and would actually tell he stole the money to do so. I was growing uncomfortable daily. Then one day he said these three words “I love you” to me. I was silent. Then he started to say things like “don’t you love me? say you love me.” and kept going on and on about it. I was feeling uncomfortable and guilty. I didn’t know what to do and said of course I loved him too. To this day, I rue that mistake. I should not have said that. I should not have played with the mind of an already unstable person. Then this guy was very happy and he wanted to come down to my city and expected me to let him live in my house and get him a job. He thought just because I was in IT I could get anyone jobs. I told I was barely working for six months and couldn’t believe my luck in getting a job myself, I no way could get him a job. My parents never would let me bring in a guy like that to live in our house. For that matter no guy of any kind can expect to drop in and live with us. So I panicked when I couldn’t dissuade him and cut him off cold. Again perhaps the wrong thing. But I just couldn’t make him understand the absurdity of what he was proposing. Well, he kept on sending mails, kept calling at homes, my family came to know. Thankfully my dad was surprisingly cool about it and both him and my brother said if he turned up they would break his leg. By then that comforted me as he had posted my photo and phone number in many adult sites for revenge. He used the email ids in a forwarded mail to mail all my friends to say really filthy things about me. He wrote to tell me he was not eating and making himself bleed to work a curse on me. It was all terrible nonsense. I blocked his emails. He would create a new id everyday and mail and I would block that. Apart from that I kept quite and things quitened down and tapered off after almost three years. It was a bad mess. There was no way I could take him in my life. But each time my relationships fail, I remember how badly I had hurt that guy. Maybe I am still paying off for that.
Anyway, in the light of all this, you can understand my mom’s concerns. After all is said and done, S earns like one-tenth of what I do and is from a completely different strata of society where education doesn’t prevail and women are treated like dirt. I felt so small saying this but this is very unfortunately very true. So I guess I have to create a distance in my friendship with S. He is a nice guy but some times his background peeps out in his conversations.
I have this lifelong weakness of not being able to speak my mind to hurt anyone’s feeling even when it is necessay to safeguard me. But perversely enough, my mom pointing all this out, bugged me a lot. I for nothing brought up her past mistakes and taunted her. She frowned and agreed that she had made mistakes and stayed on an even keel. I felt bad afterwards and apologized. She said there wasn’t any need and we sometimes do need to discuss things. She really hasn’t minded at all. But I kept on feeling bad and ate two extra unnecessary sandwiches and a small cup of ice cream. So completely unnecessary. I need to be in better control of me and my emotions. Hope things will improve a bit soon with the exercising. On the other hand, my over reacting apart, are they so bad anyway? Shouldn’t I be able to deal only with my mom who is so accomodating and nice. She manages to get on my nerves a bit but she is a thorughly nice woman and loves me more than anything.
I am feeling so much better after writing down all this. I need some friends to talk things out. I haven’t cultivated any in real life to whom I can bare my soul. You cannot begin to imagine how much you mean to me. And however much freaky I sound with so much confessions poring in, you are far away and safe from me.
On an aside, I called up my chotomasi (the aunt I talked about in my last post) and we had a pleasant chat. Then when my mom talked to her, I think my aunt somewhat peremtorily asked my mom to take better care of her health. My mom wasn’t amused. It could also have been that my mom had taken an innocent concern in a wrong way. Their sibling chemistries are deadly complicated. Anyway my mom is asking me to not screw around with my aunt promising companionship and all when it may not be practical for me to do. I thought I should reach out a bit more. But I guess sometimes it is well enough to leave alone. I don’t know. One more thing for me to obsess about.
ellabella said,
March 30, 2008 @ 8:27 am
Ini, YOU are not responsible for the abberant behavior of that person you met online who turned out to be so mentally unstable. YOU were hurt by him, my dear girl. The absurdity of his expecting to move in with you and rely on you to get him a job demonstrates that he was simply looking, in very simple terms, for a “free ride”, thought he’d found one, and was enraged when it didn’t materialize. Neither you nor any other woman he might manage to entice online SHOULD be expected to commit to creating a life for him because he is too lazy or incompetent to create one for himself. PLEASE let that go, and stop allowing it to dtermine how you behave in other relationships. YOU are worth way more than you seem to realize. I’m glad you’re doing the gym again. Wish I could say the same.
Hugs,
Z
soclose said,
March 30, 2008 @ 11:04 am
I agree with everything E. said. I think many of us (including moi) have been “guilted” in to replying in same to declarations of love. Usually it does not go to the extent your experience did. You showed him kindness and friendship, his illness caused him to convert this to something else. I am thrilled about your dad and brother defending you like they offered. Do you have “stalking” laws in India, I guess probably not, but that’s what it amounted to. Not your fault in any way!!!!!
About S……I think you’re right to keep it a very light friendship. I really don’t think your emotions right now are up to coping with any kind of upheaval, plus there’s no possible future there.
Good on you for getting in touch with your aunt; I bet she was very happy to hear from you.
tjnorth said,
March 30, 2008 @ 12:06 pm
Yes, there are some very strange males out there, and having someone like that target you was just bad luck. You had nothing to do with it - and trust me, you were not the first and definitely not the last woman he treated like that.
anngirl said,
March 30, 2008 @ 3:07 pm
I’m glad SOMEBODY is going to the gym!
Good job homegirl! I wish I would look towards the gym as a release. Instead it’s a giant pink elephant that stands in my living room demanding that I go….
Gosh I feel terrible about that crazy dude. The guy was obviously a nut case and that’s not your fault. But like me, you were trying to be nice and sometimes it back fires! That’s the past though Iniya - we’ve both learned from it and moved on. Sometimes I think about Stocky - but it’s a reminder that we shouldn’t compromise ourselves.
I agree with you on S. He needs to be kept at arms length - yeah - he might look good for a hot minute but that’s just your heart wanting some male companionship - in the end - he’s better off a friend.
Gotta keep it clear for a remarkable dude Iniya!
I remember that 3 months that my mom lived with me in this studio apartment. Bittersweet. She criticized everything I did - how I lived and yet at the same time, she loved me to death. When I think about her being gone someday it makes me incredibly sad. I gotta give you hugs for hanging in there and realizing that she means well
It’s hard living with momma!
They drive you CRAZY!
Keep your chin up honey! Take care of yourself
xoxoxoxoxox
rubyjean said,
March 30, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
At least you’re working up a sweat! Good for you on going to the gym, and I agree with you and the other ladies that you should probably - no, make that definitely - keep things light with S.
It’s good that your mom acknowledged that sometimes you need to talk about things. Can you take her by the hands and say, “hey, mom, I know you love me, but I need a little bit of space.” You could still go over with her what needs to be done. Believe me honey, do I know what it’s like to have a mom hovering behind you in the kitchen asking questions and reminding - when your every last nerve feels raw. But she loves you and you love her, so maybe you really can talk.
Well, dear…..I’ve got the laundry going and hungry people sniffing in the fridge - waiting for the magic hand to give out some fast food.
Good idea about the snacks from scratch!
Ruby
Angel said,
March 30, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Good job getting back to the gym, iniya.
I agree that it sounds like you were more of a victim in your situation with the creepy email guy than he was. It’s weird how seemingly nice guys can turn ino freaks in a relatively short amount of time. Kudos for your strength in getting past that mess!
Bobbie said,
March 31, 2008 @ 12:00 am
Yeah! Inya! I think it is great you are going to the gym. Once you are able, put your treadmill on an incline and you will sweat and feel the workout. It took forever for my shins just to not hurt when I first started.
S - keep him as a friend. You are too much for him. : )
I love that you live with your mom. I couldn’t do it. I would end up killing her and stuffing her in a closet. I think you have the patience and the insight of a saint. I love that she buys fresh veggies everyday. That is acutally very thoughtful and good for you. Maybe you could wear your Ipod and drown her out once in awhile while you are doing things you don’t want to be disturbed. You could say, “Sorry mom, can’t hear you”. LOL!
Hugs to you
Bobbie
lynard said,
March 31, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
Well, it’s all been said above. That guy was plain weird and obsessive. Good that you finally got rid of him. Keep taking care of yourself. I’ll go to the gym too. It feels so much better when you’re done.
fatnomo said,
April 3, 2008 @ 9:04 am
Iniya,
I echo the thoughts of the ladies above. I can also tell you that you are fortunate to see the red flags from others, and yourself, and learn from your past rather than stay complacent and have your past become your future. I learned a hard lesson in high school and dated a guy who was strung out on drugs, physically abusive (broke my bones, obsessive, if I can’t have you no one will) type of kid - not man. I got pregnant by him and having my son probably saved my life. I left him immediately and he’s never met MY son. I endured 2 less than perfect marriages after that and spent the 1st 10 years of my adult life trying to figure out what the helll their problems were. After hubby #2 left (THANK GOD) I realized that I had to look at myself and how I allowed people to affect me. I care about everyone as well, and don’t want to hurt feelings, but I figured something out. When I was backed into a corner, or facing making a decision that I really didn’t want any part of, or was just trying to be honest without hurting feelings I would say “I love you enough to say no”. Essentially meaning I you are important to me and I care enough about our relationship as a whole (mom, sister, son, crazy guy) to tell you that the way this piece is going or the thing you want to hear right now is not what I need to say. And I don’t want to appease you because that would be disrespecting you, and possiibly make me resent part of myself or our relationship.
It also means that you love yourself enough to say no. To the dangerously tempting situations that swell up emotion, but you know in your gut have an ice cubes chance in Hades of turning out well. I do it with food. I do it with my son, my family, my coworkers. Call it self preservation in tricky times, but to attract the kind of respectful relationships you want, you have to be good for yourself first. Whew… did I just type all that. Anyway, It’s intended to be a loving statement, not a selfish out. It’s about awareness too. Hope you have a great day! Head up!
KC
Bobbie said,
April 6, 2008 @ 11:15 pm
HI Inya
Checking in to see how you are doing and how things are going in your part of the world. Hope all is well. Big hugs to you!
lynard said,
April 7, 2008 @ 1:08 pm
Me too…hope all is ok?
L
ellabella said,
April 9, 2008 @ 9:06 am
Ini, time to check in, girl…we’re getting a mite concerned, here.
Hugs,
Z
lodyangel said,
April 9, 2008 @ 2:00 pm
You are not responsible or that psycho you met online. He obviously was unstable and you did the right thing by cutting him off completely. He was a stlker. I am glad that you came through it okay. I am glad to know that you are smart enough to leave the ones you know you have no future with-alone. I was never that smart!
Congrats on the workouts!
anngirl said,
April 11, 2008 @ 9:46 pm
Hey Iniya!
Just wanted to let u know I’m thinking of you girlfriend.
Come back when you’re ready - know that I’m wishing you the best every minute of every day of your life.
Take care of yourself!
xo