song of the road

I am back to my favorite topic – me. Isn’t it incredibly self-centered to think all the time about one’s own self? But then what about self awareness? Isn’t that a good thing to have? It’s like there is something good in everything but how to have a perfect balance? Or even a reasonably good balance.  

I am worried about this colleague of me ratting on me. I am irritated. But I am not freaking out. I know people who would. And in every aspect of life they are ahead of me. I might be more comfortable with myself but I am not so sure about that too. My back and my heart are bleeding from this backstabbing. I am generally not much involved in office politics. I accept that people will gossip but ratting this way to the boss is very bad. Most probably I will come out of this unhurt anyway, but I am feeling low. 

After the problem with R, I was leaning a bit more towards this other guy S. Most probably it is him who has done this. Well, I may be wrong. When I had asked him yesterday, his face seriously went blank for a minute. I have never seen a face go so still. I should have waited and let him speak first and he would have perhaps tripped on it. But I was so sold on the idea of R being the villain, I didn’t wait for him to speak and said I know that R had told him but had he told the boss. He agreed that R had and he hadn’t told the boss. I think he lied on both counts. Though there is no point going on this way, as I don’t really know who it is. I am not going to take revenge. I can understand S might have done it in a weak moment to curry favor for himself and he didn’t really think that it would come back to me. Also again I don’t know anything for sure. But no more trusting blindly. Neither am I going to bend over backwards to help them grow their career. I am not going to praise them so much to my boss either. I won’t deny what they deserve but it won’t be more than what they deserve any more. I have seen S gossiping about others and should have known that it could haunt me one day. But the worst thing is I seriously didn’t confide in him. He must have guessed it somehow. Anyways enough on that. I would stay low profile for some time and this will go away on its won. As it is my boss is not so much worried, it seems. That does mean that I am not valued so much, but I guess that is to be expected. They will know once I leave. But again, whatever! I need to move on and I cannot really worry over-much about what others feel.  

I have known for long now that I can’t be too successful in my career. I am good at my job. I am more intelligent than most of my colleagues. But my head is in clouds. As my dad used to call me – sieve brains (a very loose translation of a lethal Bengali phrase). My dad would scold me and remind me and scare me to do a chore like say filling up the jug and glasses before the family sits down for dinner. I was about eight then. I don’t know how but I used to forget to do it 90% of the time. I can imagine his frustration now. I would perhaps give up and let it be if my child does so. My father gave up too but after a long time per me. It’s not that I wanted to rebel and forget. I would cringe and be sorry and scared when I would notice yet again there is no water at the table and run to fill them too late. But I would forget again and again and again. My dad used to say that I never keep things in my brain and I am never serious. I would be sorry for the moments he is scolding and would immediately forget it and start happily thinking about something else. Nothing holds in my sieve brain. Well, this series of problems remind me of my dad. He was brutally right as people often are about their kids. After I grew up a bit more, I think I started to manage to remember the more important things. Though I am a hopeless procrastinator still about doing things I don’t want to. I guess the universe is trying to teach me something by causing this series of situations but my sieve brain is refusing to hold on to it. Something happens to me and I am worried for less than a couple of days and then I am my usual stupid being. It is great for rebounding from problems but not at all great for growing up. Should I wonder that I am not moving forward in my life but just fire fighting my way through a lot of rubbish issues? 

On the other hand this is me. I can’t fight myself too much and for too long. That is why I don’t lose weight. I have to drown myself in food and movies and books and daydreaming. Very good for avoiding being hurt deeply but if I don’t see the issues, how will I solve them? I still seriously feel I can’t change myself too much. And for most days I am happy with who I am. But there is need for a stronger, more compact, more confident, more consistent, more together me. Let me try to work towards that. I need to eat right and not too much. I need to study with more discipline. I need to cut down on time spent on entertainment. I need to spend more quality time on my work. If I really sit down and concentrate and put my whole self in work, I can do wonders. Only I need to be at it more consistently. Pain is not an excuse to stop.  

On that note, I would end my self-analysis here and get to work. 

Thank you so much for your support and love. You guys love me so much. So there must be something right in me. *wink*. Lots of love and good thoughts for you. 

PS There was a survey recently at work about how may people would want to enroll in a yoga class. A big majority including me said “aye”. So hopefully there would be one here. I would love to join it. Though I don’t how much yoga will help me to lose weight. But I am sure it will help in controlling blood sugar and helping digestion. Hope it works out.