Emerging
I have been in a bit of a funk from when R came back. I don’t want to visit what I went through these few days. I again bunked work for a couple of days. Fortunately I am feeling stronger and slowly believing that things will work out for me somehow.
I almost feel like leaving my job even without a new one. I know that will be very foolish. So I am hanging on. My studies are not going so well. Because of my upset last week, I lost too much time which was rather well spent watching Boston Legal. 
R and I have a truce now. The fact is that I loved him too damn much. Staying angry with him exhausts me and makes me physically sick. I actually got a bad cold because of all this. So I am going to forgive him. It is over and time to move on. No point asking why it had to be so for me. It is so and that is that.
I suddenly got in touch with some of my old girl friends from engineering college. It was good to talk to them through emails. I might be meeting one next week for lunch. She has a beautiful boy and a handsome/nice/very intelligent/well to do husband. I can’t stop feeling sad and unfulfiled when I think of my not having kids. But otherwise it will be fun meeting her. I think I will try out a new restaurant.
Reading Toni Morrison’s “The Bluest Eyes”. I could identify with so many things she said about childhood. Uncanny, how things are so same all over the globe.
I have a ton of work to do. And fortunately for once, in a mood to work too.
So long, lovely ladies. You are my pillars of strength.
rubyjean said,
March 12, 2008 @ 7:58 am
Great post. You ARE emerging, and you will be even more beautiful.
I am participating in a discussion group at the moment, and our topic, our book, is about forgiveness. Big subject - and what you wrote about how staying angry with R. makes you feel ill and exhausts you resonates….that’s one of the things we’ve been really looking at - how forgiveness heals. I am learning this lesson in my own way, too.
Take care lovely lady….
RubyJean
soclose said,
March 13, 2008 @ 8:25 am
Yep–feeling stronger is good!!!! Although I’m more of a revenge plotter than a forgiver, I have heard it’s good for you. Sometimes I just kind of “let go” of something but I NEVER forget. Sorry, this is probably not the best healthiest current mental advice but keeps me from making the same mistake twice and keeps me on guard around the offender. Yes, this takes energy but they never “get me” twice. Of course, if I can totally cut out the person, that is the way I go.
Getting in touch with old friends sometimes rekindles great fun; keep us posted.
ellabella said,
March 13, 2008 @ 8:45 am
LOL! Ms Close is SO much like me! I am simply not the “forgive and forget” type. Especially if you do something to somebody I care about. I vote to throw R right under the nearest bus! (Him and my ex). There’s a curse I heard somewhere that I can’t remember for the life of me, but it’s something about camels and fleas. Some are just so deserving. I know. I know. When you don’t forgive someone, YOU are the one who carries that burden around. I know all that. I think of it, though as a reasonable substitute for ankle & wrist weights. So long as I carry it, every walk from my desk to the bubbler is for exercise purposes, no? I like to think of it as productive and positive. And think of all the muscles you could use beating that rotter with a baseball bat! Ooops. Sorry. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. I shall soon be peaceful and calm yet again…
anngirl said,
March 14, 2008 @ 1:58 am
Good to see you back Iniya! I absolutely ADORE Toni Morrison - Beloved is my favorite book in the whole word. I reread it once a year….
You are fantastic to find it in your heart to forgive the unmentionable one. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to get over my ex because I was so angry for many years…..
hindsight is always 20/20.
Meanwhile, you keep taking extra good care of yourself and making these incredibly sane decisions for your well being.
right on sista!
xoxo
lynard said,
March 14, 2008 @ 1:15 pm
Hi Inya, I’ll have to see if I can get that book. I like Toni Morrison too. Yes forgiveness is hard, but so necessary sometimes. Have a good weekend.
L
Bobbie said,
March 17, 2008 @ 1:48 am
Hi Inya - My heart hurt for you when I read your post. I am sorry you have to be around R at all. You are right, you can’t quit your job without a new one.
Loved him too much? Like that is a bad thing? It isn’t and don’t believe that it is. Love is the most wonderful present that you can give someone and the fact that he is a big fat loser jerk shouldn’t take away the value of the feelings you had for him. He truly does not deserve you in his life. Never ever!
You are strong for wanting to forgive him and putting him where he belongs - IN THE PAST. Time does heal all wounds. And this one will sting less as the days go by.
You are a beautiful person. A smart, loving, loyal, giving, wonderful person. I admire all you have done with your life.
I found this quote by Eric Hoffer:
The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves…