Catching up
I am sinking some and then floating and sinking again. My fight to keep functioning is still on. Some days I feel better and capable to face the world. Other days I feel so blue. I have not thought of suicide at all but have thought of just chucking the job.
I had stopped taking the sleeping pill for a while in between as it used to keep me sleepy till late morning. I thought I would be able to sleep well enough without it too. Turns out I was taking my wellness for granted a little too soon. I grew restless again and had crying jags and felt like running away all the time. My work suffered like anything. Anyway now I am back on taking half a tablet every night for last two days. feeling much better and centered. Not so blue any more. I guess there will be hard days again sooner or later, not that it is easy now. But I just have to hang on here till this passes.
I had managed to almost get over at being angry with R. But last few weeks, I was murderously angry again. I can do nothing and it about killed me. Anyway enough on all that. I have been taken for a royal ride, but I think I did not make any major mistakes. In hindsight there were things I should not have done, but I am not ashamed of anything.
Looking out for a new job is still on. I am planning to get a certification done on project management. that should help my job search immensely. Plus I am planning to look for a different profile too. As of now the plan is to move on to Bombay. The certification thingy will take a lot of studying which will keep me very busy.
I am still feeling a bit shaky. The writing here is not coming easy. I need to be back at working out too. That has stopped completely. Chatted with S today. Will go back to gym soon.
I am planning to catch up with you all very soon. I missed you so much. I kept feeling undeserving of all the love I have received here. I don’t want to disappoint you.
ellabella said,
February 13, 2008 @ 11:26 am
Love, my dear girl, has nothing to do with “deserving”. You have every right to be furious with R. The trouble is, that unless you use that angry energy productively (ie.; to push YOURSELF forward) it’s of no use whatsoever. I think that in time, and as you move on with your life, your feelings for him - and how he treated you - will recede and overshadow you less. The biggest mistake you can make is to feel inadequate - to feel that R moved on because he found someone “better” than you. From everything you’ve said - and much that you haven’t said - my impression of R is that he is immature, egocentric and shallow. Perhaps even you don’t see him that way, but I do, and I suspect that even if this whole fiasco hadn’t come about when it did, it would have eventually. His wife-to-be may find herself wondering, at some point in the future, how she could have been so blind as to get herself tied up with him. Blah. Not YOUR problem. Now is a time, Ini, to stay in touch with your brother, work on getting to the next phase of your life, and look forward to better things and happier times. They WILL come.
Hugs,
Z
soclose said,
February 13, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Ditto Ellabella………time, time, time……..and, btw, you are INCAPABLE of disappointing, sweetheart!!
soclose said,
February 13, 2008 @ 1:40 pm
Me, again. I am stealing a quote from another blog today cause I think you need it—and, I don’t think Judy will mind.
My hopes are not always realized, but I will always have hope. OVID
Those guys knew what it’s about.
lynard said,
February 13, 2008 @ 4:59 pm
Ella said it all so well. I’m happy for your new plans and goals. You are a strong woman and I admisre you!
L
rubyjean said,
February 13, 2008 @ 8:32 pm
Ella did say it so well - I echo her thoughts. I also know a little bit about how you feel, the not sleeping, trying to break out of that ole’ big - D, and wondering if you withdraw are you disappointing everyone. You are loved here - no matter what!
RubyJean
Bobbie said,
February 18, 2008 @ 11:11 pm
You need to be angry at R. You need to go through all the emotions it takes to put him in perspective. You are so much better of without him but I know it doesn’t feel that way. And it doesn’t feel fair.
You are a lovely person and will get the love truly meant for you. I understand what you feel about Karma. I am big into Karma and try hard to keep my side of the street clean because I can’t afford to have the Karmabird take a big crap on my head!
I am glad you have new plans and goals. That always seems to get me through. Look forward to what the future has to offer you not what the past has not given you.
Hugs to you my friend! Love, Bobbie
Bobbie said,
February 18, 2008 @ 11:12 pm
You said, “I kept feeling undeserving of all the love I have received here. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
I say you can never disappoint any of us! And you are so deserving of all the love you have here. Each and everyone of us has something good and unique to offer each other. Please always know, here everyone loves you and everyone looks forward to hearing from you.