Stronger me!
A long week after, I think a stronger and a more purposeful me has emerged. After I came back from that trip, I was so happy… till the afternoon. Then I lost it again big time. Couldn’t stop running to the restroom and crying my heart out. I am thankful now that no one seemed to notice. Anyways I couldn’t stop being sad and sick after coming back to home too. I was awake all night long. Called up R at 4:30 in the morning and talked, argued, yelled, cajoled for one and a half hours. And then fell asleep exhausted. When I woke a couple hours later, I was still sick and by then very very afraid for myself and my future.
I had done one good thing on that sick Monday to have decided to visit a psychiatrist who fortunately stays very near my home. I had seen him once a few years back when I was very down and low. His medicines worked though I stopped after taking them only for a month. I felt better and decided on my own to go off medication. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, however it seemed right then.
Anyways, so I went to see him on Tuesday as per appointment. I couldn’t stop myself from crying while talking to him. But he is a nice and calm guy and must have seen much hysteria. We talked for a while. He prescribed a couple of pills (that reminds me, maybe I should google the medication) and a lot of exercising to drive away the negative thoughts.
Well, the medication completely threw me off on Wednesday. I had a good and deep sleep but woke up very nauseous and quite dizzy. I had to fall back on bed and kept on sleeping on and off for the whole day. My appetite was completely gone. I was better but still very shaky on Thursday too. So again another chat with doc and I reduced my sleeping medication. Slowly became better by Friday.
All that time off from work without any notice did go surprisingly well. My manager had a little chat with me where I apologized completely and explained my problem a bit. He seemed okay. My team didn’t complain any. But that doesn’t mean they are not thinking it silently. However I am confident now that I would overcome it. I could have had lot more trouble.
I spent all that time reading and almost completing Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”. As again she managed to instill confidence in me. And I watched FRIENDS when the reading got too heavy. Also I thought it out a bit. I can’t really explain but I do feel stronger, calmer and more confident. I am going to control my thoughts. I am going to do the things I don’t want to but I know I should. I already have taken small steps towards that. Okay, it is very early to comment, but so far things are going well. I was very productive at work after a long long time yesterday when I finally went back. I am also going to read – “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”. It is good and I think will help me with self-discipline.
I know the good feelings will be difficult to hang on to. But I very strongly feel now that I can do it. I choose to spend my time more effectively, doing more productive work and enjoying my life more. I have not yet gone back to gym because I am still feeling a little light headed but will soon go back. I am going to read non-fiction more. I will work on clearing up my backlog of chores and then I will free up some time which I may spend on training myself or something else.
So here to a new me rising from the ashes (drama! drama!). I don’t really know if I will get a life-partner. But I know I am going to do well in life by using all the opportunities I already have.
Thank you all so much for being here for me. The journey has begun yet again and I am so excited! 
ellabella said,
January 15, 2008 @ 10:23 am
Well, I for one am awfully glad to see you back again! I was beginning to get worried, Ini! I’m glad that you’re feeling better - and stronger - and hope you’ll do whatever it takes to stay that way. Hugs -
Z
Angel said,
January 15, 2008 @ 10:38 am
I hope that you’re feeling better soon. I went through a period where I needed to take medicine to sleep and to battle depression. The meds helped dull the emotional pain I was feeling and allowed me to get some rest and still get out of bed in the morning. By coupling the medication therapy with talk therapy, I was eventually able to go off the meds and, one day, finally didn’t have to see my therapist anymore. I encourage you, if you can, to keep up with visiting the nice doctor. It takes some time, but healing does happen.
BTW, I love that you balanced reading Ayn Rand with watcing Friends. Makes sense to me!
love,
angel
round said,
January 15, 2008 @ 11:35 am
I’m glad you’re back, and glad you had the intelligence and courage to go to the psychiatrist for help. I really believe a lot of problems are due to hormonal imbalances in the brain and the drugs can really help get things settled so you can deal w issues better.
You sound like you’re still a bit fragile, but hopeful and with a positive outlook.
Take it slow - and keep mixing in lighter stuff like Friends along w the chores, work, literature and non-fiction - it’s important to have balance!
julieesg said,
January 15, 2008 @ 11:39 am
Those meds will goof you up, for sure. They are a lifesaver for some people, but I find that regular exercise, even just a few minutes a day, does as much for my mood as meds ever did, without the dizziness and nausea. But if they’re helping you, take them. The side effects will pass after a while.
I’m glad you’re working through this rough patch. I hope you feel better very soon.
yogaforchocolate said,
January 15, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
You did the right thing to go see the doctor, and I believe you will work everything out. You are strong and brave and will become happy again. Big hug!
lynard said,
January 15, 2008 @ 2:09 pm
I was worried about your absence from the blog world - glad you took the initiative to see the Dr. and take care of yourself. I battled depression all my life and with the help of medication (for me Paxil), exercise, occasional counseling and meditation have been on an even keel for about 11 years now. I think that there is no one right or wrong solution for treating depression. Each person has to find what works for them. The book I just read was called “The Beast, A Joourny Through Depression” by Tracy Thompson. She is a newswriter in Washington DC and the book is a first hand account of her journey. I liked it because although she acknowledges that there is definitely a biological/genetic cause, this does not mean that you are not still responsible for your behavior, choices and actions.
So keep on taking those positive steps. Realize that recovery is consists of a few steps forward and maybe a couple of steps back…it’s a process. Be patient and keep writing. That’s good for you too and we all care.
Lyn
anngirl said,
January 16, 2008 @ 2:37 am
Oh Iniya - close your eyes as I am giving you a gigantic bear hug right now. It’s very tight and infused with love!
I am glad you are able to get some relief with medication - stay strong missy - you’ll make it through this - it’s always the first few months that are the hardest! I trust you are treating yourself kindly - how about meditation before bedtime?
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/breathing-meditations.htm/
You don’t have to be buddhist to enjoy the benefits of meditation - it quiets your mind and settles your thoughts. I don’t do it enough and it is so helpful. Just a thought….
Iniya - what about taking a class or pursuing an interest that you have? A hobby that perhaps you were interested in? It also gets you into a different frame of mind…. I’m doing this as well. I want to explore my creativity and give my brooding brain something productive to dwell on
Yes, I think we can become preoccupied with men and having a family someday but I think it’s alright as long as we balance ourselves. It’s natural for you to be overcome with emotion at times, you’ve just gone through a very heart breaking experience… it’ll take time and patience as well as loving yourself to move on….
Oprah.com has a section called relationships and then breakups/divorce - you can read some good articles on mending a broken heart… it was comforting to me to read about this subject while I was going through it.
You WILL be happy and be with a partner who is deserving of you. It’ll happen
love to you xo
islandgrl said,
January 16, 2008 @ 8:18 am
Iniya, what a smart gal to see that you need to seek the help of a professional but also strong enough to find balance thru literature and comedy.
I think you are on the right path. As others have said there is no right or wrong way to treat depression, it is the fact that you are wise enough to know you need to seek treatment that counts.
You are feeling good now, but remember you are still fragile, and will still have some dark days, don’t let them throw you. You can make it, you will make it.
And if nothing else helps, remember we are all rooting for you.
chel said,
January 16, 2008 @ 11:20 am
Hi Sweetie… I was getting a little worried about ya. Trust me when I tell you that I can kind of understand. I was getting to the point where all I could do was sit on the couch and cry and sleep and cry and sleep. Now, I take medicine… lexapro… and I feel SO much better. The first part of taking the meds was kinda tough. I felt really sleepy and sick to my stomach. But now I don’t notice anything but the fact that I feel so much more like myself. I still have days but at least not everday.
Sending you big hugs.