Holding it together
Working so hard to hold it together. I try to fix one thing and some thing else falls apart. Couldn’t make it gym today. Felt like my whole body has been beaten up. I was sore all over and cold. Came to work somehow.
Arranging for R’s leave for his marriage and listening to him talking to his fiancee is not helping at all. Had crying jags a few times. I must have done something really wrong to deserve this. I guess my judgement about people is really really bad. Anyway what’s the use thinking about all that? In fact the crying has helped. Now I am numb and drained and can go on, I think. However much I wish it to finish soon, this stupid mess will take it’s own time to get resolved. I just don’t want to be unhappy, at least not this much. But I guess all this is part of the game and I would have to play it. Yesterday I caught a part of a soap mom was watching. One of the characters was saying - “life is a drama and you need to play your part. While playing your part, if you can act so as to keep all the unhappiness to yourself and share only the joy in you, people will remember you even when you are not there”. I think everyone will like to be with people like these. But I am not strong enough. I seem to share only my unhappiness. In the big picture, my problem is such a stupid and silly one. Why can’t I rise beyond it?
I guess I need to stop whining and go back to work. That should help. I cannot see how I will get a job when I am feeling like this. I think I will have to bear with this for the time being and there is no way I can bypass it. Maybe the pain is the price I need to pay.
Anyway screw it all. I know I will make it. It is high time I learn to take it as a man(?). Everybody has problems. They bear it and don’t whine and whine and whine.
And I have you guys. I will read some of your loving comments and I surely will feel better.
PS Yes! I did go and read some of your comments and I am already feeling better. I am going to be strong. I can so do it. Love you!
rubyjean said,
January 3, 2008 @ 9:11 am
It sounds like you’re moving forward, even though you sound so sad. I’m not surprised your body feels beaten up. Probably a virus, even so, a metaphor for how you must feel. It is important for you to grieve. This is a lesson I am learning yet again, and I am already 46 years old!
I like that quote from your mom’s soap opera. Isn’t it amazing that when you need to know something, the universe consipires to tell you - if you pay attention?
And…yes, I read (and Loved) The God of Small Things. I have a friend at work (Amala) who is originally from Kerala. She went home for a visit several years ago and brought the book back and loaned it to me. It had just come out. I couldn’t believe how young the author was when she wrote it (only 20?). We both like to read, only at the moment, Amala has 4 small children to cope with. Wish I could introduce you. She has a lovely soft, smiling and kind nature - and happens to be very smart - like I imagine you are.
chel said,
January 3, 2008 @ 11:44 am
I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. If it helps any, I’ve realized that the best things in my life couldn’t have happened if something bad didn’t happen first. hugs… chel
soclose said,
January 3, 2008 @ 12:59 pm
When you hear him talking to her, feel nothing but pity for the poor woman; she’s certainly not getting a good man—-AND she’ll be stuck with him.
If the comments help: read them and read them and read them!!!!!! We’ve got enough faith in you to carry you through until you find your true and steady balance again. You’re getting stronger, you just don’t know it yet!
lynard said,
January 3, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
You’re still riding the waves of this stormy time, aren’t you. Hold on and keep your eyes on the horizon- calm seas are coming soon.
Lyn
ellabella said,
January 3, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
I must be getting awfully old. “R” just seems like such a waste of time to me. Are you saying that he’s talking to this *new* woman of his on the phone at work where you - his supervisor - can hear him making personal calls? Little cheeky, isn’t he? Not to mention inconsiderate, unprofessional and immature. (Oh, I DID just mention them, didn’t I? LOL!) Would the others on your team do this? Ini, m’luv, the more I hear about this “R”, the luckier I think you are for being rid of him. I’m going to hop out on a limb here and risk your not liking what I have to say, but big-mouthed me is going to say it anyway. I think that deep down, you know that “R” isn’t a good or decent man - but this rejection of his has injured your ego far more than it has injured your heart. I’m afraid that ego often tells us we should be hurt and offended when in reality, we should be shouting for joy! You, my dear girl, have your whole life ahead of you, and you are free to make whatever you wish of it. It’s all up to you. I sincerely hope that you will choose to see the doors that are opening because that one is closed. Let it stay closed, put “R” and his foolishness behind you, and look ahead to all the lovely possibilities that can be yours. Please, please, please do NOT settle for any man who doesn’t value you the way he should. I know you may not fully understand this until you reach MY advanced years, but there are an INFINITE number of fish in the sea, Ini. You can afford to throw a few back.
Happy new year to you -
E!
round said,
January 3, 2008 @ 4:10 pm
It’s so hard to go through and yet it will teach you so much. I agree with the others that he is not the man for you, and that with time you will see that.
But it’s really painful now, I know.
Hugs hugs and more hugs
this too shall pass
yogaforchocolate said,
January 3, 2008 @ 5:02 pm
This is a tough time, but it will get better… You deserve so much better than R, and you will get it. Big hug!
lodyangel said,
January 3, 2008 @ 10:07 pm
I have been so heart broken that my body would ache in the way you describe. I know it is tough but let him go. You deserve soooo much better then him. One day he will look back and regret how he treated you, even if you never know it.
And whatever you do, act like you do not care when he is flaunting his new woman. Just smile and be happy. Congratulate him. then go to the bathroom and cry if you must, but whatever you do, DON’T let him see how much he has hurt you. Men love to see you cry over them and when you don’t it hurts them. Trust me works everytime.
2008 will be better.
(((HUGS)))
Angel said,
January 3, 2008 @ 10:53 pm
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I went through something similar with a guy a few years ago - sad breakup, followed quickly for him by a romance and engagement. Right now it may feel like you will hurt forever and ever, but your eyes will eventually dry. As you grieve and try to move on, remember that you have lots of blogosphere friends who are sending you all good wishes and hugs.
Also, I want to add that what lodyangel said about men liking to see women cry over them isn’t necessarily true. The good ones don’t. And, there are plenty of good ones out there for us all.
>