Guilty!!
Guilty of many things.. the biggest - worrying the people who love me despite of it all. I want to say - “sorry, for worrying you all, my wonderful blogmates!” But when would I stop doing things which I need to be sorry of. It’s not as if I don’t know that I am going to be sorry later.
Well, not at all a good week for me - this one. Wallowed in a sea of self-pity. No gym from Monday. No work from Wednesday. But will be back to work on Monday. And gym too. I feel this break from life has done me some good. Feeling much more positive this morning. I can face life again.
The long story - the blues caught up badly with me. I don’t know if I was mourning the loss of R or trying to soothe my hurt ego, my stupid blindness before. I had known all along that it might not work out. I don’t say I regret the good time, but I should have got out earlier and not let him do this. But then would I have been able to live with myself, without trying with all I had. Well, I lost and it hurts. But I will be okay. I am okay almost already.
This whole week - I had eaten everything I wanted. Not exercised. Only been to work two days. Read an awful lot which was good. Maybe I will take mom to a movie today. Let’s see, if she agrees. I also managed to have a chat with her yesterday about what is really bothering me. And why I don’t feel like meeting new guys. Her point (true for last 6 years, I think) is I am running out of time. I pointed out - I have run out of time and still this is not stopping. So I must be given time to heal. We have made a deal. Also decided, if things again start going out of hand, I will go to a psychiatrist and get some help. I am not feeling crazy or out of control but may need a little help to summon up enthusiasm and go through the hectic days.
I am so tired of love. Is it there at all? must be all the stupid attraction stuff which goes away anyway. then the liking that still remains (in most cases rather hidden) must be a little fondness, a little maturity, some fear and some habit. So the point is maybe it is okay to marry a guy I can’t like so much now. Maybe he will turn out better with time. If not, no worse than now anyway. Or maybe not. I am not that scared of being alone - well, I am a bit. But I am sure I can manage it, if needed. And most problems have a solution. It is not so scary, once you are in it. I have seen that many times.
It was not good of me to bunk work like this. And I know this is one of the major reasons, I would never be very good. But I just couldn’t face up to a day with so much work. Handling R in itself takes so much energy. I need to work on that. He works well but is so full of himself and takes offence in everything. I think I would need to tune him out a bit and not worry so much. The others are doing well for now and not very troublesome. I know I won’t be able to take it easy and let things go wrong knowingly but I will point out the problem once with a cool head and non-judgementally and give the person enough time to correct without getting impatient. Hopefully this will work out most times. I cannot let my other personal problems creep in there and I have to stop the despairing and the impatience. and build confidence.
Don’t know what sort of jumbled up thoughts I wrote up there. Let’s see about the good things. Well, it is good fun to take a break sometimes. It is awesome to stay home on a weekday with nothing planned. Even with the dark thoughts, I had fun. Now that I am feeling better, I will cook a little too.
S called today morning. He was worried about my absence and more so at the lack of communication. He almost was ready to come see me. As usual he succeeded in cheering me up a lot. I would be back to gym on Monday. Meeting him and meeting the others at work should help me. By the way, it looks like he has overcome his reservations about going to lunch with me and asked about that too. May go out with him on Sunday. That will be fun, at least it should.
Among the lot of somewhat stupid books that I got from library last time, there were two good ones. One was Henry Cecil’s Independent Witness and the other one was by Alexander McCall Smith - chocolate and something. sorry forgot the name. The first one is a hilarious one on Courtroom drama. It was truly funny how the truth was perceived differently by each witness. The other one is set in Edinburgh and the protagonist (who is a philosopher!) looks up something as sort of a detective. The detection part was nice but the end was slightly not to my liking. But the way Edinburgh and the life there has been potrayed is really nice. Now I so feel like going there. I read some other novels by him which were set in Africa - “Kalahari typing school for men” and “something lady detective agency”. They were too too good and again depicted the life out there so very well. It wasn’t raucously funny but rather subtly funny - the kind I like better. P G Wodehouse, any day!
Got myself another bunch of books yesterday. One more Henry Cecil, one more Alexander Mccall Smith - “Sunday Philosophy Club” (predecessor to the last book I read by him). I looked up SoClose’s recommendations and picked up “A is for Allibi” by Sue Grafton and “Shattered” by Dick Francis. “Indemnity” by Sara Paretsky and volume 3 of Miss Marple Omnibus. All I guess more or less based on crime and detection. Already finished the Sue Grafton novel. Liked it quite a lot. She has a different kind of writing style - is it sparse? - bare bone? - something different.
Well that is all. Might get up now and cook a few hearty vegetable pancakes for us.
The weak bad girl is back again. I cannot do without your love. Have a great weekend!
