song of the road

Well, I think this is the year when I came nearest to celebrating Christmas! It is so good to read all of you and I feel the warmth and joy. It is as if I am there with each of you, my friends.

The year is closing by. I have this stupid superstition to believe that years/dates adding up to 3 are lucky for me. I fight this sometimes and sometimes I just can’t help myself. So I had a lot of expectations from 2007. Okay, I lost my love which is mostly a boon in disguise. I started my most successful stint of gymming. I met S who is my dear dear friend in physical world. I found all of you. There is nothing that I can say about the love and support I have received here. The most amazing thing (which shouldn’t have been) is how similar we all are despite our different countries and cultures. I theoretically knew it. But I never thought people from so far away could be the friends I could not find near me. So lucky of me!

A new year is looming up. I feel so hopeful looking forward to the changes. Will a new me emerge again? I was thinking about myself yet again - that’s my favorite subject. I think I am quite a nice person but I need a bit more confidence. Not so much that I lose my objectivity. But a little more won’t hurt at all. Maybe that is why I am going through this - to earn my confidence. I have often arrogantly thought - I don’t want to be lucky, I want to deserve everything I have. Well, like many other wishes, I guess this wish is to be fulfilled too - at least partly. Am I being too arrogant?

I was so upset yesterday. I actually cried a few times. I couldn’t particularly figure why I was so sad either. I don’t really think I am sad about losing R. I am angry a bit because my ego got bruised badly. Still I was feeling so low. I almost couldn’t hang on. Somehow managed to do a bit less than reasonable amount of work. Then when I was climbing the stairs to reach my home on 2nd floor, saw the almost full moon and I smiled.

Read till 2:30 am. I am almost at the end of the book. This must be the only or one of a very very few books, I have read more than once, in my adult reading. I can’t really describe why I love this book so. I think I admire Howard Roark so much because of his confidence, not his talent. I wish I had some confidence in me, for whatever talent I have.  I do try to do my work honestly most of the time.

Woke up to a sunny morning. Lovely weather today. While coming to work saw much merry crowd in the churches on the way. There is festivity in the air. I am sitting alone in my wing of the office. I didn’t see anyone except support staff when I went for a tea. The security guys outside are watching a violent movie. They look relaxed and happier. I am playing some music. I can’t begin to describe how peaceful it is. I am planning to order a pizza for lunch after a while. I know I like people. I love you. But it is so awesome to have to see or talk to or smile at nobody. I have quite an unsocial streak in me. I have no problem at all to share a smile or a greeting or a kindness with a stranger at all, it is the ennui of the faces I know. I love some of my colleagues but I don’t know why the rest irritates or perhaps scares me! I love to be alone, in a safe way. I can imagine things and get very scared too. Anyway, I was thinking I should come to work on holidays alone perhaps. But then it won’t stay so beautiful. It is only for today and I am going to soak it in.

Planning to go for diabetic checkups tomorrow and take mom. However could not get the appointment today. Let’s see if I can get the appointment tomorrow. Or I might try to exchange the microwave tomorrow. Need to clear up the gulty load of pending chores. I want to feel light and right.

The new year is looking up indeed. Such a great excuse to get up and get going. I know I will fall and stumble and lose hope many times, but at the end of the day or month or year, I would have made progress and I would love me a little bit more.

Wish you all a very merry Christmas! Have lots of fun with your loved ones. You know I am there too.

PS I got a call from bro too. He is on the job of figuring out the reasons I need to leave my job. And I got instructions about what to do to fix the PC at home. He can make things so easy. The chat with him perked me up no end, as usual. He also said that he would try to come some time in January. That is going to be so “yesssssssss!!!!!!!!!!”