song of the road

Thinking of you all… Been such a long time… life is going on…

Well…. Annie, thanks for giving me that push. I keep thinking about all of you very often. Somehow I have not managed to sit down and write.

Life is going on, as it must and as it does no matter what. Things are good in some ways. I am enjoying my new job. Getting to learn a lot. There is too much to do. The days and weeks and months are flashing by. I am exercising on and off. I have the gym membership yet. So do go there. But I am so tired.

I have been thinking of adoption lately. Getting a kid for a single parent is not easy. And after that it is still harder. Apart from the soceital hassles which are huge in a country like mine, the administrative hassles are enormous. I don’t have any clue if anything at all is possible without a father’s name - things like passports. Every step of life perhaps would need a lawyer or more. I need to have the strength and perseverence to fight it out everywhere. Maybe I will prevail eventually and I don’t know what that will achieve after all.

Anyways, that’s me - a bit exhausted and a lot confused. Lots of love and good wishes to you all. Take care. Be well.

That says it about right.. I am hanging on… too much work.. too little rest.. on and off exercise… and life is going on…

Don’t want to lose the blog here… hence the short post on the wake up call from Annie and Round.. 

Working from home today.. planning to sit down and write a longer post later today

Lots of love to all of you… you stay in my heart

I have now joined many of you ladies in the sleepless nights department. It is 2 am and I am still up. I need to be up again by 6:30 am to go to the gym. I guess I am not too bothered. One - because you all seem to be managing it for ages. Two - because I slept and slept and then slept some more during the weekend.

On the other fronts, life is going on. I had an important presentation to make last Friday. We had to prove something and as it was one of the first things that we did on our relationship with the British team, it was very important. I couldn’t do any prep work on the first week, as was running around big time on lots of other stuff including recruitment. Then the plan was to study during the weekend. Somehow I kept on procrastinating throughout the weekend and did nothing. I just couldn’t get on with it. By Monday morning I became so tense that I actually had high fever. Somehow later that day, my brother managed to cheer me up and get going. I was up most of the night preparing. Things got better from there and I did well on Friday. The thing which scared most was that I was doing so well on my work and this stupid panic attack or whatever it was, gave me a big scare. I am definitely not out of the woods yet. My confidence has increased a lot in past couple of months. But it is still shaky which doesn’t augur well. Anyways, what has happened has happened. Need to take care in future.

Now I have started yawning a bit. Will finish this post and go to sleep. After a long time going back to gym. Excited about it. Hope this time things go better and I make some permanent changes. Badly need it for my health. The grind and stress at work is high and I am counting on my work outs to give me stamina. I am enjoying my work immensely so far. Maybe this one time I am at the right place at the right time.

Need to do diet changes as well. Have many challenges there due to long freakish hours. I am planning on drinking buttermilk or a shake in the morning before going to gym. Afterwards breakfast which will contain carbs. A lunch again of carbs, lentils and veggies. A couple of fruits in the evening (must stick to this one). Also another smallish snack of some kind. Dinner – lentil soup. Though this week I have made spinach soup. Planning to have that.

Okay sleepy now. Catch up with you all later. Have a great week.

You know what, the Friday I was saved by you guys. I was already feeling better, after I wrote the post. Then I thought of reading some of your old comments to cheer me up. I ended up reading an old post of mine (where I was b****y about R’s wife) and your comments there. That made me giggle. That put a spring on my step and my shoulders didn;t droop anymore. The day went very well afterwards. Oh, V did get hired. My inputs were there too and to all fairness there was nothing bad to say. The guy must be only a year older than me, but does he look old! Anyway, I am not worried any more. I will do my work well and we will see. He could be an ally too. One never knows.

I found the best seller “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne in my hand this weekend. I have read about 30 pages or so. I am still a skeptical about that good thoughts alone can change things. I mean I can buy it that if I have positive thoughts and visualizations, it would help me be better. But there was an example where a gay guy was being hassled at work. He practiced the positive thoughts for a while and all the hasslers either quit or got transferred. well, that was a little tough to take. I wish he could have just got stronger by his inner positivism and stood up to the hassling better. When the hasslers can’t bother you, they give up. Anyway, I figure that from when I was 4 yrs old or less, I have been daydreaming all the time. I can so easily conjure up good daydreams. If nothing else, I will be in a better mood. I will figure out solutions to problems. So going to try this positive thoughts thing for a while. Need to read up the rest of the book too.

Went to a fancy plush gym today. I liked it quite a lot. They have aerobics, spinning and power yoga classes.  I am thinking of joining next week. It was good to go there. It is going to be good fun to be active again. I used to get major highs from working out. Though this time it would need to be more intense and less lengthy. And then I am eating relatively better these days. All together I feel I can expect some steady weight loss once I sign up. 

Watched a few movies this weekend. Yesterday I watched about half of “Step Up”. It was playing on tv and I caught on about mid way. It was nice. Then I watched “27 Dresses” on DVD. It was quite cool and cute. I loved it. Then today again I took my mom to the nearby movie multiplex and we watched a hindi movie “luck by chance”. It was based on the hindi film industry. A very nice movie. Loved the lady protagonist. Could so identify with her.

A new week starts tomorrow. Of good eating, working and working out. 

Love to you all.

I am at work. Generally I dont blog from here at all. But I came to work with a foul mood. Mostly my fault. For one thing, I managed to forget that I would be taking a couple of important interviews and also I will be meeting some business users. That is a lot to forget, isn’t it? When I was getting ready for work in the morning, I was tired and stressed and feeling very blah. Instead of dressing well, I wore something comfy as today is dressing casual (jeans allowed) day. Now I don’t feel comfy but sloppy.

On top of this, I don’t know why, on the way to work, I kept on visualizing some worst case scenarios at work. They are quite unfounded. Another guy may join our organization who has about 6 months more experience than me. But his experience is of better quality than me. And when I joined this organization, I kind of brought unique capabilities to the table. So I get noticed and consulted often. It does bring on overwork too, but that’s okay for now. Also this new guy is going to be paid much more than I am. Though in the recession scenario, being overpriced is not a such good idea. Anyway, all this muddled thoughts later, what I am trying to say is that I am feeling quite insecure. When I had interviewed him, I had actually liked him. So can’t really blame others when they sound excited about him. I have even once brought this insecurity up to my boss and he does seem very comfortable with the way I am performing. I am getting on well with my juniors. But still somehow I am a bit jealous and insecure. There is always “Vivek this” and “Vivek that” and “when Vivek joins..”. Oh ok, this new guy is called Vivek. So what I actually need to do is swallow the whole thing and keep my focus on work. There will always be guys who would be better than me. I am intelligent and hard working and honest and all that and I know I am going to do very well, but cant shake off this bad feeling. I am generally not like this. I dont know why this guy (who is not even here yet) is rubbing me up the wrong way. Now that he is coming down for an in person interview today, I had to come to work dressed sloppily. Bad mistake!!!

I need to be more organized. The stakes are considerably higher now and I need to pull up my socks. I am doing quite well generally. But there are days like today (not many yet), when I feel inadequate and a bit blue.

So I came to google reader and read posts from you guys. It made me feel so much better. All I needed were a few friendly voices. So thank you all for being here. Ruby and Soclose, please please please come back. I am going to square my shoulders and face the day. Still, why did I wear this stupid T-shirt today!!! I will let you know how I survive the day. There are those business users there too. But there I will get a second chance and hopefully my designation will pull me through.

Thank you all so so very much for the lovely thoughtful kind comments. It makes my day when you reach out to me. Which I am not reciprocating so much. I have some presentations to make over this weekend. But I will find some time to visit each of your blogs and leave a bit of me there. My bro and sis-in-law have gone to Goa for a small break. Oh there is another good news there. No she is not pregnant. But my brother has found a much better job. His current job was paying well but the employers were quite unethical in the way they do business. It was causing a lot of grief and tension for dear brother. So hopefully things will look up for him now. Plus his work place is going to be rather near mine. maybe we will some time catch up during lunch. Also I need to finalize and join a gym this weekend.

I do realize my thoughts and consequently this post has been really jumbled. But if you have reached so far still, thank you. I love you all and see you here soon.

I am sorry to be staying away. I just do not have time. I am working on making some time. We are just starting this new team here for which so far I am the single person available. We have an almost insanely stringent hiring process. But plodding through it. It will take time for things to stabilize and me to earn the trust of the original global team. However have a good rapport with my boss and his boss here. I love the work. This is the first time I am working on softwares for the global money markets. I find it fascinating. But the work load is killer. I work from 9 am to 9:30 pm daily and some times more. This is temporary and I don’t mind putting in the effort. This definitely has got me noticed in a new organization in a really short time. Generally it takes much longer to build a reputation. But anyway the bottom-line is that I literally have no time at all. I wake up at 7 and sleep at about 12. All my waking time, I work and I travel to work. It is 7 am now. I will go to work a little late. I do manage to read your posts via google reader at times. But cant always come back to comment. Please bear with me for a while and I will be back full on.

In between this insane schedule, we managed to snatch away a weekend break. Went to a few beaches. Not at all far from home. The hotel we stayed in was a few metres away from the sea. It was nice to sit on the window and watch the waves and the people and the kids. We took a small boat to an old fort built in the 1690s. The sea has come forward now and the fort is surrounded by water. Not submerged though and people live inside. We lost our way a few times thanks to faulty reading of GPS, which was a lot of fun to cruise through the narrow lanes of the sleepy town filled with big firm-houses. Also went to a few other beaches nearby and a ramshackle old jetty. The food wasn’t too bad as we forgot to eat a few times and had to make do with light snacks. When we sat down for a full meal, everyone wanted light stuff again, so it wasn’t too bad. I ate, rather slurped on quite a few crushed ice cones. They were good fun on the hot sun.

As you can make out, diet is not that good these days. Though I do manage to eat light meals most of the time. Do eat a breakfast and a lunch of vegetables and lentils. But often end up binging at night. Working on reducing that. Also I actually do manage to forget to eat because of the work. So my blood sugar is also not how it should be. Meanwhile need to join a gym too. Planning to do that this weekend. Also may have to work on this Saturday. You can make out how muddled I am, can’t you?

Now the thing which prompted the write. I suddenly caught up with a dear old friend in yahoo yesterday. She is such a nice girl. She is in Detroit now, on a short visit. And she lives here in Chennai, the city which has three climates - hot, hotter and hottest. She seems to enjoy the cold there. Anyways she had long back married her college sweetheart. I don’t really know what went wrong, but they started staying apart very soon after marriage and eventually got divorced after a long separation. I got the feeling that the main cause was very possessive in-laws and I guess the guy gave up after being caught in the middle for too long. Still it is very sad. Because I distinctly felt that her hubby was actually quite a nice guy and she is a really really good person. So don’t know why it unravelled quite so bad. Meanwhile my friend’s parents were rather frantic and wanted her to save the marriage at any cost. Divorce is as yet not so common out here and there are many families who are yet to taste any. 

So anyway, even the divorce has been finalized at least 3-4 years back. I am quite sure the guy has remarried too. But my friend here is still carrying it. I mean she is happy in general. But she is not at all open to any other relationship or even the thought of it. She is adamant that all guys are bad. I find that such a waste as she has so much love to give and share. I am not saying that there is a soul-mate waiting for her or any such crap but still… So all this made me think of me.. how come I am so happy and quite carefree only a year after the R mess.. I was seriously down, wasn’t I?.. and now here I am… I am not really looking out for another relationship yet… I am happy being single.. I love the freedom that I get to spend so much time doing the work I love because I am free… But I don’t think all guys are bad or anything… maybe that is because I have a super brother and she is a single kid… I am very friendly with the guys at work.. no romantic expectations or anything, but I genuinely enjoy working with them and making fun with and of them… Does this make me a fool who is setting herself up nicely for another fall?… does this mean I will again make the same mistake?… that’s scary… not only because of the pitless pain.. I just don’t want to think of myself at all as someone who is a fool.. there are only a few things I am proud of… the biggest among them is that I think I am reasonably intelligent.. I don’t want to have to drown that self image too… Maybe she got hurt more depply and for all my lamentations mine didn’t actually go that deep.. which is good… but I really dont want to make another mistake.. I mean just how many more times my brother and mom will collect my pieces and put me together.. I can seriously lose my sanity, if I pull another R trick… I know all this but I somehow can’t seem to make myself serously scared and worried and defensive… I still laugh and flirt and work and generally be like nothing at all is wrong with me… I really really hope I am not a fool…

On that hopeful note, let me get up and get ready for work… My love to all of you here… no foolishness there… I am sure and certain of this one pure love I feel for all of you… Do well.. be well.. I will catch up with you soon…

The new year has started. Feels so fresh and crisp. I don’t know if the weather has got to do something with this. Feeling quite upbeat. So far loving the job. That may not last or hopefully may last also. 

I am using the google reader so far to keep up with my blog reads. So I kept reading what you all are up to throughout the week. But couldn’t comment much. Had that all saved for the weekend. But the weekend is all over all ready. I am going to post my thoughts on week nights before I fall asleep.

We just finished dinner while watching the movie ‘Signs’. It is a good one. This weekend my sis-in-law’s parents came down for an overnight visit. It went well. I cooked a bit for them. We made those naan breads and some curries to go with it. It was a bit of work. Brother and sis-in-law are both have bad colds. I think I will mention bro as DB and sis-in-law as DS for ease. DS has a cute 8 yr old nephew who came down too. The boy is an only child with a stay at home mom. I feel he gets too much attention and correction. He was very happy to get to play video games and watch cartoons endlessly. DS’s mom was continuously bugging him. I felt as if she just didn’t want him to be happy. Not that she doesn’t love him, it’s just that she feels like she is right all the time and must weild her power. I guess I am overreacting. 

Today morning they all left. Had a good lunch afterwards. I did eat a bit of rice but lots of vegetables too. I was planning to cook after lunch but fell asleep. Got up at five. Ran around and started a lentil soup. Then DS and I went to the supermarket. Bought veggies, groceries, magazines, yoghurt, watermelon, lunch box set, green tea and a whole bunch of other stuff. Came back and made a chickpea dish ( a bit like the chilli) and baked a dish of veggies. Then watched the movie. I am so tired. But looking forward to work tomorrow. That is such a welcome change.

I truly appreciate all your lovely comments and the kindest wishes. I wish the very best for you too. Take care, my sweethearts.

Completed a week at work. It was all induction training. Not much real work done. Except done a lot of interviews. We need to hire some folks and that was supposed to be completed day before yesterday. So under a little pressure already. I feel that the work here is going to stretch me and I am going to learn a lot. I loved the overview they gave us on banking business. 

On the diet front, nothing happened. I must have gained back most of the weight I have lost. Okay, let me weigh myself now. No point being scared. 4 lbs gained back. I am planning to carry lunch from home starting next week. Also they sell a fruit salad in the cafeteria. I will also carry a couple of fresh fruits. Then there is the snacking option of eating rosted chickpeas and groundnuts. The dinner will be carb free. I will need to get off my butt and check out the gyms nearby. So this is going to be my plan for a while. It looks like I will be in the general shift ie nine-to-six for a while. Though travel and exra work included, it will be more like 7:30 am - 9:30 pm. It gets like this in the beginning when we are setting up the work. Once all is in process, a lot of work happens on its own with occasional glitches. 

That’s about all from me. Oh I watched two great movies - The Pursuit of Happyness and Dreamgirls. I will go now and catch up with you all. Lots of love, friends.

Well… my diet seems to be working kind of okay. I think I have lost about 12 lbs in last couple of weeks. I have never lost weight like this. Let’s see if this lasts. More likely than not, it will all come back. In fact, I am starting my new job this Monday ie 22nd Dec. I will have to give up the diet completely in the beginning and then will have to modify it. It does make me feel weak and energy-less. I have lost my temper a few times too. But apart from these problems, I don’t know how but I hardly have cravings.

I am eating mostly fruits, veggies and vegetarian proteins with no oil and no bread, rice, pasta etc. Though when I am too hungry, I add some oatmeal to my soups. For first few days I had only fruits and veggies. Now I think I am not eating enough fruits but more proteins. Anyway, all this will have to stop soon.

I will be working in a shift here. From 1:30 pm to 10:30 pm. It sounds odd and I too was a little unhappy in the beginning but it is good actually. I get to beat the peak hour traffic both ways which means saving at least a couple of hours from the commute. Also I can go to the gym in the morning, come back, have a unhurried bath and brunch and then go to work. I am planning to carry dinner which I will have about 8:30 pm and would try to make it no-oil and no-carb. I really hope I will be able to implement all these plans. Meanwhile I need to get a little set at work. I don’t really know what they are expecting me to do. I was interviewed for a post lower than the one I am joining at. So I am a bit unclear.

The long break is almost at it’s end. I had a couple of doctor appointments for my blood sugar. Most probably due to my dieting and also because of the medication, my sugar is rather under control now. Then I did have tons of free time which I mostly spent sleeping and reading. On one hand I am quite enthusiastic to join work as I was getting a little bored but on the other I feel sad that my lying around days are over. Anyways I was lucky to have any at all. R has more or less receded from my mind. The change of place has worked big time. Plus this city has something in the air which makes one feel hopeful and energetic.

That’s about all from me. Love you all sweet friends. Hope all our dreams and plans come true soon.