I met goal 1 today!!! Well yesterday actually. so my next goal will be 153 which is JUST TWO POUNDS AWAY! I hope I get there soon. Man……I dunno why, I’m just losing hope. what if i doesnt work out and I can’t become 123lbs……The change is so slow…I feel so rest less…..and disappointed. I mean my friends keep telling me I dont need to lose and blah but they’re just amazing people who love me for who I am. but they’re all so fit! It’s painful to stand next to them sometimes. it’s even more painful to get pictures with them and find them on facebook the next day when they’re all looking stunning and I just look that much more fat next to them. They all are like size 0 - size 4s. and I’m like size 12? or 14? Yeah. and I recently found someone making fun of me….which really hurt. some people can be such jerks for no reason at all. and to top it all off I realized yesterday at our meeting for the conference next year (for which I would like to have reached at least half of my goal) that every other girl in my team is thin. While everyone was discussing the works of he conference I zoned out for a moment and thats whats I was thinking about. *paranoid much*

Am I PMSing? What is this like POST-MS?

Very annoyed. and worried about myself. because I’m concerning myself with things which are pretty stupid. Even as I write them down I feel very stupid. But I can’t help it. I want to be a doctor one day but how will I be able to give health advice to people when I myself will not even be of a healthy BMI. People wont even take me seriously, they’ll just be all, “maybe you should practise before you preach.” This fear, to be very honest is one of my biggest motivations to become healthier. eat less junk (I should get marks for that, I’m really trying hard =) ), exercize more (yep. doing that as well)…..be positive & not get too stressed (need a lot more work) and eat HEALTHIER (I’ve added more fruit to my diet. and more fibre. even milk!!) i need to get rid of all the meat and rice for dinner in my diet. not to mention pasta…and replace it with healthier alternatives).

I signed up for emails from Jillian Michaels (off of her website) and her most recent one contained he advice that we should find a mentor for ourselves. pick one of our friends who would always motivate us. my friends? they dont care about my weight that much. i mean they do realise I”m not a healthy weight but their advice is pretty muhc, just try to eat a little healthier and exercis more. I mean, they’ve seen me like this for so long that thy think I will not become a healthy BMI one day. which they dont consider a bad thing, see. But I do. I care a lot about this. Which is why I will not quit this time.

I wonder if I mentioned this quote before…”Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do.”

So I wont let negative feeling stop me from keeping up with my regime. I’m just afriad I wont become 123! but that doesn’t mean I cant even be 153. and 149. I need to remember that any weight loss is welcome at this point :D. I think I’m so disappiinted because after all this work (well….three weeks..but like two months in the summer) I’ve only reached the size I was one year ago. which means I gained around 8 pounds in the previous year. *lol, yeah I really thought all those ice creams, fries and waffles and muffins wont go directly to my thigs*

but I will lose more. yes.