health health health!

I met goal 1 today!!! Well yesterday actually. so my next goal will be 153 which is JUST TWO POUNDS AWAY! I hope I get there soon. Man……I dunno why, I’m just losing hope. what if i doesnt work out and I can’t become 123lbs……The change is so slow…I feel so rest less…..and disappointed. I mean my friends keep telling me I dont need to lose and blah but they’re just amazing people who love me for who I am. but they’re all so fit! It’s painful to stand next to them sometimes. it’s even more painful to get pictures with them and find them on facebook the next day when they’re all looking stunning and I just look that much more fat next to them. They all are like size 0 - size 4s. and I’m like size 12? or 14? Yeah. and I recently found someone making fun of me….which really hurt. some people can be such jerks for no reason at all. and to top it all off I realized yesterday at our meeting for the conference next year (for which I would like to have reached at least half of my goal) that every other girl in my team is thin. While everyone was discussing the works of he conference I zoned out for a moment and thats whats I was thinking about. *paranoid much*

Am I PMSing? What is this like POST-MS?

Very annoyed. and worried about myself. because I’m concerning myself with things which are pretty stupid. Even as I write them down I feel very stupid. But I can’t help it. I want to be a doctor one day but how will I be able to give health advice to people when I myself will not even be of a healthy BMI. People wont even take me seriously, they’ll just be all, “maybe you should practise before you preach.” This fear, to be very honest is one of my biggest motivations to become healthier. eat less junk (I should get marks for that, I’m really trying hard =) ), exercize more (yep. doing that as well)…..be positive & not get too stressed (need a lot more work) and eat HEALTHIER (I’ve added more fruit to my diet. and more fibre. even milk!!) i need to get rid of all the meat and rice for dinner in my diet. not to mention pasta…and replace it with healthier alternatives).

I signed up for emails from Jillian Michaels (off of her website) and her most recent one contained he advice that we should find a mentor for ourselves. pick one of our friends who would always motivate us. my friends? they dont care about my weight that much. i mean they do realise I”m not a healthy weight but their advice is pretty muhc, just try to eat a little healthier and exercis more. I mean, they’ve seen me like this for so long that thy think I will not become a healthy BMI one day. which they dont consider a bad thing, see. But I do. I care a lot about this. Which is why I will not quit this time.

I wonder if I mentioned this quote before…”Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do.”

So I wont let negative feeling stop me from keeping up with my regime. I’m just afriad I wont become 123! but that doesn’t mean I cant even be 153. and 149. I need to remember that any weight loss is welcome at this point :D. I think I’m so disappiinted because after all this work (well….three weeks..but like two months in the summer) I’ve only reached the size I was one year ago. which means I gained around 8 pounds in the previous year. *lol, yeah I really thought all those ice creams, fries and waffles and muffins wont go directly to my thigs*

but I will lose more. yes.

i’ve lost one inch off each of my legs. which feel amazing actually. down two more inches and I would no longer have to feel them slide against eachother when I walk lol, can’t Wait till that day! and I’m also down one pound! so now I’m 156 lbs

I went to my previous gym to weigh in and was not 150 lbs. sadly BUT! i checked my weight on another wighing machine right there and it did say that i was 150 lbs. hmmm….I would let myself get very excited but I won’t in case I’m just getting excited for nothing. and in any case i haven’t LOST any more weight. I would just happen to be 2 kgs smaller than I originally started off with.

hmm…I think there was something very wrong with the scale at the new gym. there is NO WAY I’ve lost 6 pounds in the last three days (I measured myself on thursday night and I was definitely 156 NOT 150). I look the same, I measure the same around my chest, waist, hips and thighs. so there was definitely something wrong with the weighing scale. anyway. I think I kind of like the new gym. It;s bigger and more middle aged women show up…..as opposed to skinny runners. so I don;t feel totally out of place I just wish there were more windows! Any windows! I didnt even see a single one.

Anyway. I think I did pretty good today. I had a granola bar, cereal with 3% milk (ughh can’t stand 1% let alone skim….) and chicken curry (450 per serving) and 1.25 naan. the naan;s have to be like 2-3 hundred calories! I burnt 400 calories at the gym!! I will have a banana for a snack tonightif I get hungry. right now I’m so full I just dont even want to move.

Just a little annoyed about the weight part. I’ll have to drop by the other gym to check my weight. I started running today on the treadmil as well. the last time I started running instead of walking, I got terrible shin splints. I hope it doesn’t happen this time! I asked someone why it happened to me and she said maybe it’s because of my weight. She lost around 40-50 pounds last year and told me she had an issue with it in the start too but then it got better. I didn’t run the whole 20 minutes though! barely like 2-3 minutes. I dont have the stamina! but I will work on it. by slowly increasing the minutes I run!

Back to studying =)

OmGOSH what did just happen?! I ate so much candy! I did so well yesterday at the pumpkin carving party…I only had a few smarties and half a bite size aero! and tonight? it’s as if the ghost of halloween went inside me and fed me like….i dont even know! a thousand calories of junk! well less than that….I hope…..oh no! I feel so awful, I wish there was a way to undo it. UGGGHHHH. I dont know what came over me!

revenge against myself tomorrow. I have to get some exersize done.

Ugh the disappointment. I saw pictures from like two years back and I look so nice (I’d gone on a weight loss plan then as well and had ended up losing quite some. excetp I gained it al back (and more) because….because I just quit. I thought I looked nice enough and then I stopped the “diet” and got back to eating junk. So I’ve learned from this reflection that keeping myself on leaves will never help me lose weight. I need to find out a steady diet which I can eat throughout my life. just need to be a bit more picky about junk food while I’m in the losing phase. Very picky! Which is why I had a vegetable and humus wrap at the mall when I could have had like donuts, coffee, muffins, ice cream, pasta, pizza, burgers and fries. Well I did have fries….10 fries…..i couldnt resist, my mom was having new york fries in front of me….! they tasted so good!

K, I need to stop thinking about how far away my goal is, but concentrate on my mini goals. and I need to stop complaining. and looking at myself in the mirror as religiously as I do. ditto for measuring myself. I have only lost a few pounds and obviously will not be able to see a major difference as yet. which is frustrating because I can;t help but wonder how many pounds I’d have to lose before I can fit into my high school jeans. which i haven’t been able to fit into since 1.5 years. But I wont keep that from making me as determined as I was when I started this blog!

Quote:

“Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do.”

From now on I will only measure and weigh myself once a week.

Today was pretty good. I had the following:

1 sausage, 1 egg, 1 glass of milk with iced coffee mix, 1 granola bar, 2 servings rice and shrimp and lots and lots of water. I’ll have apples as a snack late tonight.

I also went to the gym and burned:

253 calories on the treadmil and 200 calories on the eliiptical.

Arrgh today has been one of most unproductive days so far. I woke up and measured myself, I have lost a little around my chest and thighs so thats good. I should have goneto the gym but was too stressed about my courses that I felt too guilty to go to the gym. I need to do well this semester!!! So I have to come up with balance. I have three more midterms coming up in november, thank God they are not in the same week! phew. 2 major lab reports, tons of assignments…I need to start studying from now so I dont screw up the finals. which I wil if I let all the material pile up.

So I found out that my best friend finally got her visa to attend university in Chicago! where, btw, I will be going next year! and I’m so excited, I might actually get to meet her there!! It’s been forever since I’ve seen her! and I was just thinking about how awesome it owuld be if I can be near my goal weight when I meet her! As and soon as I let mysef get too ecited about it, I became more and more anxious when I realized how far awy that goal is =( ….maybe thats why I ended up eating so much today.

breakfast: 1 egg, half a sausage, bowl of cereal, granola bar

dinner: 2 servings rice, fried chicken and eggplant curry.

what I’m more frustrated about is not even that I ate so much. I ate a lot of crappy stuff. FRIED chicken and that much RICE. ugghh! I was doing so well, I almost didnt even need tea in the morning anymore. but now that I’ve ate so much, I have to drink coffee so the caffeine can hep me tackle my assignment which is due tonight at midnight. plus I keep forgetting I need to drink water constantly. I get dangerousl dehydrated everytime I attempt a weight loss regime. This time, oh yes, this time it would be my last because this time? I won’t give up.

So I weighed myself today and I have lost 2 pounds!! only 3 more pounds till my first mini goal!!

Today I woke up around 10 30 and had two fried eggs, 1 bread, half an apple and tea. I headed to campus, had a class and a 2 hour lab right after and I found out my lab mark, A-!!! So relieved! This is one of hardest classes I have to take and getting a B+ is amazing apparently. so I’m Very happy with that! After that I had to hang around campus for an hour an a half bc I had a meeting at 4 30…after That I headed home. and had two slices of cheese pizza and a chocolate granola bar. I’m gonna have a banana bc I’m kinda hungry.I got a nice cereal because I was getting extremely bored of eggs in the morning.

I’m just gonna relax tonight and pamper myself! I really wanna deep condition my hair. just relax before the hectic week starts again. hopefully get some studying done tomorrow. and gym! wow I havent moved in so many days. since tuesday! I’ll definitely wake up early tomorrow and go gym before breakfast. Eat a banana before leaving probably bc I just cant work out as much as I like to if I’m feeling hungry. and in the evening I’m gonna be talking to my best friend who lives a million miles away after such a long time!!!

How did I suvive through today and not totally ail my two midterms?!

So I couldnt study last night at all and tried to go to sleep but couldnt till 12 or 1. I intended to wake up at 6 and study for my first midterm which was at 10 but slept in fo whatever reason (i even put my crazy alarm) and had only and hour and a half to study 6 chapters before heading out to catch the bus. argh. I dont know how it went. I didnt fail for sure but I wanted to do so well on it/ I wanted to do so well on my other exam too but that too was just OK. I’ll work harder to keep up wiht my work bc I need to be on the Dean’s list this semester.

Anyway! I’m happy to say that at least I didnt eat so much today. I had a cup of tea in the morning and one boiled egg. for lunch I had my 110 calorie chocolate chip granola bar (YUM) and I was dozing off while study for my second exam so I had to get some caffeine. I was day dreaming about a cholcate caramilk…mmmmm…but I got a diet pepsi instead. one the way back I smelled the mouth watering hot dogs being sold net to the bus stop. but I didnt get one.

For dinner I have had hlf a plate of rice, curry from yesterday (no meat was left in it) and one ‘roti’. I took one oreo cookie from the jar but after finding it limp from being out all this time, I left it back in th kar after half a bite.

I have a physics assignment to do for which I unexpectedly got an extension. I didnt even remember to do it yesterday. and I owuld really like to do the 30 day shred tonight because I didn’t go to the gym today.