Sometimes life feels very discouraging. We have struggled so hard for so long. My husband was injured in Iraq in 2008. We’ve struggled since then, financially and emotionally and I’m tired of the fight. I am just exhausted. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however. He applied for disability compensation in April 2010 and when the pain was more than he could bear, he stopped working entirely in August 2010 and went back to college with me. We get by the best we can but sometimes, it just weighs on me. We are living on student loans, child support and his housing allowance from the GI Bill. He can’t work due to his injuries and I can’t leave him alone to deal with the children while I work. Student Loans should be in sometime in early September so we only need to hold it all together a few more weeks. Then we’ll be okay through February and hopefully his disability pay will kick in before that.
I was so excited about college starting again this week. On Sunday my husband was asking me to consider dropping one of my Friday classes. He said it was going to be too long of a day. He thought starting to school at 7AM and getting home at 11PM would be too much for me. He said to pick up a morning class during the week or take an online class. I didn’t think it was in the budget for me to make two more trips to school a week. Then I ran the numbers and realized that most likely it would be a burden on the budget for me to go to school even once a week (It’s over an hour away & we have a gas guzzling quad cab truck) until after student loans come in. I switched to online classes which are harder for me, but would still allow me to go to school.
We live out in the boonies and the choices are satellite internet or dial up. I started my classes on Monday morning and the satellite went out. Within 24 hours of switching my classes to online classes, the internet died. So frustrating! After hours on the phone with tech support, they are sending a technician out NEXT week! Ugh! No internet means no MFP app to count my calories, either. I just felt defeated. The summer semester was REALLY hard. Not the classes, just trying to motivate myself to care.
Thankfully husband set up something through AT&T to tether our laptops to our phones so we have internet. It is kind of wonky. We live WAY out in the country. Our cellphone signals are very spotty so we are going to buy a booster for the house. He says once we get the booster everything will be okay. He says I am not allowed to give up on my dreams and I have to keep moving forward. He says tough it out, keep going to school through May. Over the summer make a decision, but not now. He is my best friend and he has never led me astray so I’m going with his thoughts right now. I’m probably not in the best place to make a major decision right now.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I KNOW it’s not a freight train, too. But sometimes it is hard to hold on a little bit longer when it feels like I’ve been struggling for SOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. There is no other option. I mean, I have to keep holding everything together. I can’t let everyone down.
My emotions are fragile, though. I feel like I’m doing okay for some time but the happiness is not really stable. It is fragile and when I get knocked down, it is very hard for me to pull myself back up from the bottom. I am proud that although I haven’t been able to use my app, I think I am doing okay diet wise. I’m going to have to do it the old fashioned way and get a notebook I guess.
The good news is that I KNOW there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to hold it together a little longer.