Denial

My doctor told me a few months ago that denial kills more people than anything else. He said he saw it in his office every day, people whose worst condition was denial. He said the mind is a very powerful thing and you can convince yourself of absolutely anything.

I was absolutely in denial about my weight. I am 302.4 pounds as of this morning which is a 5 pound loss so far. Three hundred pounds. How did this happen? Obviously not overnight, but seriously, in the past ten years, I have never looked in the mirror and seen the weight. In a way, this is a good thing. I don’t feel fat or ugly or gross. I don’t feel abnormal or weird. I still, 100%, feel like the girl I was in high school. It is also a bad thing as I let this happen and with my family history of heart problems and my own wonky heart.. this could literally kill me.

I bought an xbox 360 kinect game called Kung Fu High Impact. OMG! So much fun! I aggravated my back two days ago (ongoing issue after I fell in a grocery store years ago) so I didn’t play last night but my kids were awesome and we laughed so much. It was so fun. This game puts YOU in it. You are not controlling an animated character, it is an actual image of you. My 9 year old, in his favorite Plants Vs. Zombies shirt, is up there kicking ass & taking names. My 4 year old is doing somersaults and punching and kicking bad guys with his curly hair bouncing all around and I loved it. It was adorable to see my shy daughter punching ninjas on the screen. My 13 year old was way too cool to play but he watched alongside his broken down old Mom.

My 4 year old was tired and sat down so I walked into the area to shut the game off and HOLY SHIT, I’m fat! I have mentioned before that the silhouette on the Zumba Fitness game shocked me. I’ve always thought I was perfectly proportioned. I’m busty and hippy and sexy as hell…. Uh… yeah, I’m totally a frumpy muffin.. a confident one, but still.. FRUMPY. Lol Seeing myself on the screen was SHOCKING to say the least. I was freaking floored. Yeah.. those 300 pounds are all there. They are not 300 magical pounds that look AMAZING on my 5’6” frame. Denial is a powerful thing.

Oh, I’m still going to play the game. I have to save the world after all. I’m going to deal with my largeness in the way of motivation. I’m going to use that to fuel my fire. I lost over 100 pounds once by installing floor length mirrors all over the house. I would turn the corner and be like “WTF? When did I get fat?” I hope to use this the same way. My body will change. In a month it will be different. In six months it will be even better, but for now, everytime I turn that game on, I’m going to be shocked into action.

Gotta go, I have world (and a life) to save.

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