If a Pig Wouldn’t Eat It, Neither Should I!

I have a miniature pot belly pig, not so miniature these days, but I have one nonetheless. She was a gift from my husband for my 36th birthday. She is an eating powerhouse. No food goes to waste here. In addition to all manner of table scraps, she eats banana peels, apple cores, peach pits, vegetable peels and even egg shells. I won’t let her eat the egg shells, I feel those to my lizards instead. She fought our dog (and won) over a dead squirrel in the yard once.

But she will *not*eat things she does not recognize as food. We were all a little shocked the first time we saw her refuse barbeque potato chips and a Twinkie. She’ll eat a cake you make in the kitchen, but the over processed crap you buy in a plastic wrapper in a box… nah, that’s not food.

I have been eating really clean. I feel amazing. The next time I am tempted with a processed treat whispering to me from a gas station shelf, I’m going to tell myself “If a pig won’t eat it, neither should I.” Clearly, eating whatever a pig will eat would not be healthy, but if something is so processed an actual pig cannot recognize it as food, I shouldn’t either.

Denial

My doctor told me a few months ago that denial kills more people than anything else. He said he saw it in his office every day, people whose worst condition was denial. He said the mind is a very powerful thing and you can convince yourself of absolutely anything.

I was absolutely in denial about my weight. I am 302.4 pounds as of this morning which is a 5 pound loss so far. Three hundred pounds. How did this happen? Obviously not overnight, but seriously, in the past ten years, I have never looked in the mirror and seen the weight. In a way, this is a good thing. I don’t feel fat or ugly or gross. I don’t feel abnormal or weird. I still, 100%, feel like the girl I was in high school. It is also a bad thing as I let this happen and with my family history of heart problems and my own wonky heart.. this could literally kill me.

I bought an xbox 360 kinect game called Kung Fu High Impact. OMG! So much fun! I aggravated my back two days ago (ongoing issue after I fell in a grocery store years ago) so I didn’t play last night but my kids were awesome and we laughed so much. It was so fun. This game puts YOU in it. You are not controlling an animated character, it is an actual image of you. My 9 year old, in his favorite Plants Vs. Zombies shirt, is up there kicking ass & taking names. My 4 year old is doing somersaults and punching and kicking bad guys with his curly hair bouncing all around and I loved it. It was adorable to see my shy daughter punching ninjas on the screen. My 13 year old was way too cool to play but he watched alongside his broken down old Mom.

My 4 year old was tired and sat down so I walked into the area to shut the game off and HOLY SHIT, I’m fat! I have mentioned before that the silhouette on the Zumba Fitness game shocked me. I’ve always thought I was perfectly proportioned. I’m busty and hippy and sexy as hell…. Uh… yeah, I’m totally a frumpy muffin.. a confident one, but still.. FRUMPY. Lol Seeing myself on the screen was SHOCKING to say the least. I was freaking floored. Yeah.. those 300 pounds are all there. They are not 300 magical pounds that look AMAZING on my 5’6” frame. Denial is a powerful thing.

Oh, I’m still going to play the game. I have to save the world after all. I’m going to deal with my largeness in the way of motivation. I’m going to use that to fuel my fire. I lost over 100 pounds once by installing floor length mirrors all over the house. I would turn the corner and be like “WTF? When did I get fat?” I hope to use this the same way. My body will change. In a month it will be different. In six months it will be even better, but for now, everytime I turn that game on, I’m going to be shocked into action.

Gotta go, I have world (and a life) to save.

Don’t Get All Hot and Leave Me!

I love my husband, dearly. He is literally my best friend in the world and the person I would rather spend my time with over anyone else. Last night, we were talking about my fitness goals and he said “Don’t do all this and leave me. I’m a broken man and there is no fixing me.” My husband was injured during his last tour of Iraq with the Army. He has a significant back injury that is not fixable and is degenerative. It will never get better; it may get way worse. I know that. He knows that. I am doing my level best to prepare to be the breadwinner for our family (that’s the reason I’m in college).

I remember feeling the same way he does now. Before his last deployment he was asking me if I wanted him to get ripped. Uh.. no, somebody will try to steal him. He was super fit already. It wasn’t that I doubted his loyalty or his faithfulness. It was solely that I do not want him attracting other women. I understand his concern. It was at once my own concern. I did my best to set things straight and make him feel better. I want to get fit. I want to be healthy. I want to be strong.

I underwent something like this with my ex-husband. He was sabotaging my diet efforts. I felt like he was doing everything he could to undo my hard work and when I mentioned it to him, he admitted that he was intentionally doing it. When he was bragging about my transformation (I lost over 100 pounds) at work, one of his buddies said there were two reasons a married woman loses weight: A. She found someone new and is cheating on you. B. She is getting ready to leave. He never trusted me again. He already had serious control issues, but that comment from a coworker had long lasting effects. I wasn’t leaving. I never cheated on him. I’m not like that. Oh, we got divorced, but not because of me cheating. It was because he did.

I think it is a common concern for spouses when one is undergoing a transformation. I read something online the other day and it said basically that you marry three people. The person you think they are, the person they really are and the person they become. My husband is still being supportive. He even suggested I join a gym and hire a personal trainer to help with my goals, although the logistics of that aren’t going to work out right now. He still tells me he is proud of my efforts, but I still feel bad in a way.

As it turns out, I actually *am* fat!

I have never really felt fat. I guess that is hard to explain when I weigh over 300 pounds. But, I have chalked it up to being hot in high school or the shape of my body now. I would even have told you a week ago that I was still hour glass shaped at 300 pounds. I have never really hated my body or anything like that.

I have been playing the active games on our Xbox Kinect and there is a little outline of your body shape in the lower left hand corner of the Zumba game. Standing there, side by side with my 11 year old daughter… yeah, I’m fat. Lol I am glad that I can see it for the first time. I’m not a curvy vision of loveliness that just happened to gain weight in only the sexiest of places. I’m actually kind of frumpy muffin shaped. I don’t harbor any ill will towards myself. I love my body. My body is amazing. My body created my four favorite people on earth, gave life to them. My body has nourished tiny newborns, provided them immunity protection and comforted them in their times of need. My body is fat but it still rocks.

I guess this revelation should not be too shocking, but it really was. I’m having so much fun playing on the xbox that it hardly feels like work at all. I mean, it is… I sweat, my muscles ache, I never stop moving, but it does not feel boring or hard at all in the moment. My husband said today “My wife is addicted to the xbox. This is awesome.” And it is kind of awesome.

Right now, my favorite games are Rancore Rampage which is a mini game on a Star Wars Clone Wars game and Zumba (the Core Fitness one). Soooo much fun. The Rancore Rampage has you running in place, jumping and smashing your arms down to destroy a town! The Zumba is just dance moves. I am not in a place where I can finish a class or anything like that… but I can totally learn the dance moves and force my way through several dances even if I can’t quite keep up yet.

The funny thing about all of this is we have had this xbox and Kinect for over a year. I never tried it out for such a silly reason. I wasn’t that interested and I thought in the back of my mind that I might be too fat for the Kinect sensor to pick up. A friend of mine who is way bigger than me plays Dance Dance Revolution with her son and it occurred to me that maybe it was something I could do, too.

Back Where I Began

Well, as the title says… I’m back where I began. I weighed in at 307.4 the other day. I’m not going to lie, I knew it was bad because of my heart. It has started acting up again and I was like “Clearly my weight has climbed too high, time to bite the bullet and get on the scale.”

I have been using my MyFitnessPal app (add me if you want! My username is IAmTheGlue) to just honestly monitor what I’m eating. I’m just monitoring. And as silly as it seems, being accountable even to myself makes me well, be accountable. I log everything I eat and I am trying to be mindful. Like a few minutes ago I ate my snack (Spicy V8 Juice and 3 Celery Stalks which I LOVE and helps to ensure I get my veggies in) and made lunch for the kids. I almost made lunch for myself but seriously… I’m not hungry. At all.

When I ask my husband if he disliked something he doesn’t eat or only eats a little bit of, his standard answer is “It’s fine, I just don’t eat past full.” Don’t eat past full… what a novel idea. Lol

Anyway, I’m back where I began (7 pounds from it anyway). I’m back here though.. working on me again. It’s really not optional. I often think of my father who died from Congestive Heart Failure. He was amazing and he had a full and glorious life. He was such a giving person and helped so many people. I want to be like him. I am going to help as many people as I can. I am in college. When people ask me what for, I say “I’m going to get a Master’s Degree in Social Work”. I am at the Associates Degree stage of this goal. I *AM* going to get a Master’s Degree, though. One of my professors last semester suggested writing down your goals. She insisted that saying it, planning it, putting it out into the universe or speaking it into being made things happened. I loved that and I’m no longer going to be “losing weight” but I’m going to be running a marathon. That is my actual goal. I’m going to get healthy and fit and run a marathon. I am a die hard Goonies fan and I really want to go the Goonies Truffle Shuffle 5K in Astoria Washington. It’s really far from me, prohibitively far… but I’m setting my sights on the 2015 race. That gives us almost 18 months to save, plan AND.. get fit. ;)

D@mn you, Skinny Cow!

I did my regular grocery shopping this week at Sam’s Club. We always buy in bulk at Sam’s because we have 4 kids, one of which is a couple months from being a teenage boy and may be trying to eat us out of house & home. Anyway, I have discovered that I really do a good job of staying on track if I have healthy options. If I run out of vegetables, something in my brain says “Eat ALL THE FOOD!” So, I was sure to stock up on my case of slimfast shakes and box of fiber one brownies (my usual treat). I also picked up a box of Skinny Cow treats. I have never tried them, although I see them in the checkout line of stores all the time.

If you have not had them, BEWARE! They are tiny, delicious, addictive versions of candy bars! They are little chocolate, peanut butter and carmel devils. I can hear them calling to me now. lol

I am going to have to put them in my husbands truck I think. I do this with snack cakes. I give each on of the kids one from the package and then, they go outside in my husbands truck… OUT of the HOUSE. I cannot be trusted with them. And now, it must be known that I cannot be trusted with these Skinny Cow candy bars! Funny, Fiber One Brownies have never beckoned me back for seconds. I have never *craved* one. Probably because they taste like dried up chocolate flavored cardboard instead of chocolate delights made by the confectionary gods. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but seriously, I would not have bought them if I thought they were going to be freaking delicous.

Oh well, you live and learn. I am going to try to stick to the slimfast a bit more seriously because I have had excellent results with it before and I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels right now. I imagine my Skinny Cow fiasco has something to do with that. D@mn you Skinny Cow, you are going to be banished from my house!

These Days

I haven’t had much to say recently, so I have completely neglected my blog. These days, I am feeling it again, so here I am.  Not much has changed. I’m still plugging along with school. I am still struggling with the death of my father. I dream about him almost every night.  My father was a pastor. My mom has left their old church and we are looking for a  new church together.

I am now combining Slim Fast with my calorie counting and I am happy to report that this past week I lost 8 pounds. Yes, I know it is mostly water. Regardless, the initial (nearly overnight) weight loss has me highly motivated.

I cannot wait for it to warm up a bit. I am soooooo beyond sick of winter.

Life After Gallbladder Removal

I had my gallbladder removed in September 2010. I was in HORRIBLE pain, it wasn’t functioning, full of sludge and stones so out it went. I got terrible sick after that. I was very scared. I woke up in horrible pain in the middle of the night every night and my husband started waking me up to eat in the middle of the night. If my stomach got fully empty I was in agony. I couldn’t keep food in me for long, though. After many, many tests, It turned out that I have a hiatal hernia and ulcers which were causing the problems.

I have been eating a very clean diet since my cardiologist said losing weight was the best thing I could do for my heart. Mostly vegetarian. I did eat meat once sense the semester started and I was in horrible pain. It was barbeque beef brisket and it was fatty. I also ate one slice of pizza on another night (accounted for and on my diet) and thought I was dying… stupid stomach. My husband said he used to date a girl who had her gallbladder removed and she could not eat pizza or spaghetti or anything fatty at all. He said if she ate something wrong she was in horrible pain.

I think it is basically like this… when you have a toothache and you take a painkiller, once it wears off the pain is INSANE.  Yeah, I think I’ve been doing so good and eating so well that when I eat the crap I used to eat all the time it is actually painful. When I used to eat crap and drink pop all the time my stomach did hurt all the time. Pop just kills me now. I had these pills that coated my stomach to help with the pain. Now, I don’t need those pills to exist since my stomach does not hurt like it used to on a daily basis…. I just need to keep eating clean and I think I’ll be fine.

Having your stomach reject food that is overly greasy is not a bad thing in my opinion. I am feeling much better and much healthier.  So far I’ve lost nearly 45 (44.5) pounds since my hand surgery April 30th. So proud of that. It’s not been a super fast weight loss, but my pants I just bought before the semester started are falling off my butt! lol We are a week or two from buying new clothes so I’m happy that I’m going to be needing a smaller size.

Walking and Dogs

I enjoy walking, I always have. We move out to the middle of nowhere and there is no real safe place to walk. Our road, being secluded, seems to be a trial run for race car drivers. Not exactly, but the people drive down our road like wild maniacs. They are flying! So, it is not safe to walk down the road.

Our actual drive is a private road and we walk down to the bus stop at the end of the roads to get the kids after school. Two days ago our neighbors dog bit me. It is not serious, I told him not to worry about it because it is really no big deal. I did bleed but not like a deep wound. I could pick up that fat little dog and hurl him into the woods if I wanted to. lol But, I don’t want to. I don’t have it in me to hurt it even though he said to my husband I should beat his dog for biting me. Yeah…. I’m not like that.

I’m glad he bit me not one of the kids. There is a huge difference between biting me and biting a toddler or a bigger kid.

But, there is a lingering thought that there is just no safe place for me to walk now. And that feels sad. Hopefully soon we will be able to drive to the state park to walk more often, but I hate that I can no longer just open the front door and have a safe place to walk.

I’m still counting calories, so I feel that I’m doing okay overall.

Do What You Have To Do

“First, say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.” ~Epictetus

I read this quote earlier today in someone’s signature on 3FC. It really rang a chord with me. I googled it to see where it came from, and I really think it is wise advice.

I’m doing what I have to do to be who I need to be. I see myself running marathons (kind of dorky but I want to run in the Truffle Shuffle in full costume when they have The Goonies weekend if they have the run again in Astoria. It is across the country but that is my favorite movie) and hiking in the mountains, doing yoga and eating right. I see myself doing no harm. I am a big believer in that. I try to be as gentle as I can with others because there is more than enough hurt in the world without me adding to it. I don’t think kindness or gentleness is a sign of weakness, but rather of strength. Who I am now is going to lead up to who I will be. I feel AMAZING. I mean that. My body feels clean and healthy. What I feel on the inside is not yet mirrored on the outside, but if I keep doing what I have to do, it will be.

My husband wants to practice Buddhism. We are going to visit a Buddhist temple in Indianapolis and see what we can learn. He first brought it up maybe 6 months ago. I did read about it but we never had the gas to drive to Indy to check it out. I called around but couldn’t find anything closer. Basically, from what I have read, Buddhism is a philosophy of doing no harm. I already live that way as much as I can. I’m not going to lie, II’m no expert on it, clearly.

I have to do an intercultural experience for my Interpersonal Communication class. I was raised in a Christian family. My Dad was a minister and there were times growing up that I literally went to church every day of the week. Every Day of the Week! The instructions said that we attend a worship service for another religion that was not Christ-based if we attended a Christian church, so I think visiting a Buddhist temple and doing my research paper on it would kill two birds with one stone.

So for now, I’m just pushing forward, doing what I have to do and feeling awesome about it. :)