why did i wait so long?

round, I feel for ya.  I dont think I could go w/o fruit.  they are my friend.

So weigh in was saturday.  It went pretty well. I am down another one lb.  Here lately, that is what I expect.  I guess now that I am down to the last 50 lbs, this is just the way it’s going to go.  Oh well, at least its going in the right direction.  Last week= 186.8,  this week= 185.6.   I officially have 50 lbs to lose until I reach my ultimate goal.   It has been 12 days since I have had any “junk food”.  meaning sugary crap, chips, fast food…you know what I mean.  I feel great! even though the weight is coming off slowly, My pants are fitting much better!  I am wearing a Large in my scrubs now.  No more X involved, woohoo!!!  and size 16’s are fitting pretty well these days.  I think i may faint when I get out of the teens.  Financially my life is a big pile of dog shit! but, I am trying not to dwell on these issues, because I am doing everything I can to better my situation… there is nothing else I can do to change the circumstances, so I refuse to let it destroy me.  

Good news from my obgyn…. still waiting for my dermatologist results (I had a spot removed from my forehead last week).  It was just a freckle that kept getting bigger, so she wanted to test it. So, I am getting my new years resolutions taken care of (going to the Dr. appts).  that feels good.  I always used to avoid these things before. 

 I have been thinking a lot about my excess skin.  I know this is a worry for most of us.  I have lost 120lbs…. you would think that I would be like a shriveled up prune by now, LOL… but honestly it is better than I had expected it to be. I still can’t wait to see what it will look like at my goal weight (I will decide about a tummy tuck at that point), but my arm skin is shrinking quite nicely.  Of course I will never look like I did when I was 15 yrs old, but I also wont need a wheel barrel to haul my skin around either ;)   After 3 kids, you can imagine my belly is an issue, but I will not risk having surgery unless I really can not stand it.  so far, my belly and inner thighs are the worst part, which I can cover up with clothes.. yey.  so, I guess we shall see how it goes.

B- oatmeal with soy milk

L- lean cuisine meal (at work)

S- greek yogurt

D- white bean soup (home made)

S- cottage cheese, navel orange

update =  got the call from the dermatologist.. the results came back as an abnormal mole…which means, not much to worry about.  She said it was good to get rid of it, but it wasnt cancer. so, I am happy about that.

Well, so far so good on the no sugar! Its been 5 days since I have had any processed sugary junk.  I have been eating very healthy.  I guess its no surprise that I am feeling better emotionally and physically.  Eating junk seriously makes me feel like crap in both my body and mind.  It may taste good for that second that its in my mouth, but I KNOW that its not worth it. I haven’t blogged much lately, and I know that has to do with all the negative things that have been happening lately. I dont want my blog to be depressing and negative. so, I will sum it up quickly and move on.  first of all its financial and I know that there are much worse things that could be going on in my life, and I am constantly reminding myself that I am lucky and should just be thankful that everyone I know and love is healthy at this time. but, that doesnt stop financial issues from causing distress.  and when it rains it really seems to pour.  lets just say, car trouble, Tv, computer, toilet,  all on the fritz, and my neice getting into my purse and cutting up a hundred dollar bill into tiny little pieces! yes, this has caused great stress, especially the car trouble. Its the transmission and we all know that is no cheap thing to fix.  so all these things have been really weighing on my mind lately and putting me in a horribly stressed out and somewhat depressed mood.  But this week has been better. I just feel better when I eat right and work out. No matter how bad my material/financial life may be, it is all much easier to deal with when I feel healthy and eat on plan. I have been bulking up my food all day with fruit and protein.  It keeps me satisfied and full for the most part.  Tonight I bought a whole bunch of cherries and just munched away on those. fruit is really a wonderful thing.  I feel sorry for people who dont like fruit, or “think” they dont like fruit.  They dont know what they are missing.  I plan to have fruit at my disposal at all times, because I think when I get a sugar craving or just want a piece of cake or something, fruit should help me through that.  well, hope you are all doin well.

B protein shake

L tuscan white bean soup

S cherries, cantelope

D chicken, cottage cheese, spinach

S a small bowl of white bean soup

Thank you all so much for all the awesome support you give me.  It has been a busy past few days.  lots of b day parties and sleep overs.  I did very good at my nieces party. I actually brought my own food.  My brother in law said I had issues because I brought a lean cuisine meal and ate it instead of the hotdogs, hamburgers and cake. I was proud of myself at her party.  then came my daughters party.  I slipped and had cake. I did work out, but obviously that doesn’t push me to lose weight any more. Its all about what I eat at this point. I mean I know that working out is why I am not gaining and why I lose the small amt I am losing, but I am really droping the ball in the food dept.  So today I had a new outlook on my eating habits. I have to step it up. I have to stop all this sugar craving and stop cheating myself. because that is after all what I am doing. I am cheating myself out of what I really want, by eating sugary junk.  so, starting tomorrow I am cutting out all processed sugar from my diet. I am only allowing natural sugar from things like fruit to be in my food choices. I am really hoping this will stop the sugar cravings and get me out of this slump.  I still have fifty lbs to lose, and I will not lose it craving the stuff i have been craving lately.  It really is agonizing.  I am also not alowing myself “treat meals” until I lose ten lbs. so every ten lbs, I will give myself a treat. I know that to some this sounds counter productive, to reward myself with food. but since I have been “treating” about every week or two, this is actually a lot less than before. I also know that some people might think this is too strict.  I just dont know what else to do. I am not losing the weight i want to lose with my current plan. It has worked greatly up until now, but its time to change it up a bit.  I have also changed my workouts.  I am switching things up in the gym and increasing my intensity all the time.  I am sure that if I can stick to my calories and get this sugar craving under control, that I will see the lbs drop again.  so in a way, this is a new begining.  I have new found motivation (i guess you would call it).  so, here is a picture of my daughters sleep over party. they were “watching” a movie in my bed.  my little one is the cutie on the right in the purple nightgown. she is getting so big.  I swear she just had a growth spurt this week! and for some reason she likes to smile with her mouth wide open lately, lol!!

Feeling better today.  I have really been craving things lately and its pissing me off!!! I wish I could just forget about all those sugary treats and just eat right.  (I know, dont we all wish this) but sometimes it is harder.  It just seems a lot harder these past few weeks.  I have fought through these cravings and have not strayed from my plan since last monday (so 5 days now).   Today was weigh in day,  I am down one lb.  I am happy about this, but it took a few weeks to lose that one lb.  ugh… it’s killing me how slow this is going lately.  I really need to practice patience. also, if I could just stick to my plan ALL THE TIME  i’m sure the results would be much better. There is a challenge coming up, two actually.  This monday is my nieces birthday which will include cake and other goodies I’m sure, then we are having my daughters birthday party on Tuesday which is going to include cake, sloppy joe’s and chips.  I just hope and pray that I can control myself.  ya know, it really sucks that I can’t just go to a birthday party without worrying about it for days ahead of time and just KNOW that I will not touch the cake.  but, i honestly can’t say that I will be able to stop myself.  I wish I had that much control, but even after 14 months of this lifestyle change… my control is still an issue. wish me luck.

I went to bed hungry…. thinking of sugary junk food.  This morning I woke up craving and day dreaming of a mint chocolate chip shake and frosted sugar cookies.  I am so ADDICTED to sugar right now that I cant stand it. I think of it all the time, i dream of it all the time.  I cant stand it!!! I have issues

thanks for reading my article guys :) 

Im in a funk.  I just feel down today and am just sick of everything! Im sick of never having any extra money, or even enouph to pay our bills.  Hubby is going to school and I know that it is to better our situation, but it is so hard to stay positive.  I work ALL THE TIME!! it seems like I live at work. I am working over time. which I am thankful for because we REALLY need the money, but then I feel like I am never home, never with the kids and am not working out as long or as hard as I would be if I had the day off.  The stresses of all this is making me want to eat  A LOT.   I am finding it harder and harder to stay away from those bad foods.  My birthday was sunday and of course they had food and cake for me at work.  I ate way too much saturday, and monday. I feel like I am losing my groove.  My weight loss is slowing down so much that its really scaring me. I am hardly even losing anything any more. It SUCKS!!  I am sick of bouncing around 187-190.  I really need to stop cheating on my plan. I know that is the only way I am going to be able to lose more weight. I still work out 4-5 times a week so I know its not the exercise that is stoping me. Its what I put in my mouth. I have to be on plan EVERY SINGLE DAY from now on, or it just isn’t going to happen for me. My body is definetely not budging when I eat crap. Before (when I was heavier) even if I cheated a little on my plan, I would still lose weight…but now forget it. If I cheat at all. my weight stalls or goes up. Its very sad.  I just have to accept that I must eat right all the time or I will never get to my goal weight. I cant keep screwing around here.  I am not happy at the weight I am now. Dont get me wrong. I am happy with my progress, and very proud of my accomplishment so far, but I do not want to stop here. I dont want to be overweight any more. I want to be a normal healthy weight. And I want to stay that way for the rest of my life. My love affair with food has got to be over. No more cookies, or cheeze its, ice cream, and hamburgers.  NO MORE!!!  My desire to be thin is greater than my desire to eat this junk.  I have to stay focused on my goal and stop this stupid snacking on things I dont need.   Food used to be my main priority. It use to be what I looked forward to, it was my best friend. I cant live like that anymore. I have to let go of that relationship. I need to think of food as fuel for my body and nothing more than that.   I dont NEED ice cream or frosted cookies to live.  It doesn’t make me happy or make stress go away. It makes things worse!  It is the enemy.   When they say that weight loss is harder the smaller you get, they sure weren’t kidding.  It is SO MUCH HARDER NOW!!   I just have to focus on the prize. stay focused and stop straying from my plan, I will prevail!

a couple months ago I had mentioned that I was interviewed to be in an article about walking and being more active.  I thought they had just decided not to run the article because nothing ever came of it. well, i guess they just waited to decide to print it a couple months later. so here is the address , just incase you wanted to read it ;)   http://www.leememorial.org/mainlanding/start_walking.asp  this was a couple months ago, so I have lost 16 additional lbs since then.

This is a campaign that the hospital i work for is doing for the community.  Someone had contacted my gym (which is also connected to the hospital) and asked if anyone there had lost a bunch of weight with exercise. so, the lady who has been following my progress gave them my number.  They did an interview with me and said I would be in this article on the leememorial website and in the newspaper.  kinda cool eh?

sorry about the blurry picture. These were my capri pants that were snug on me 13 months ago. they are a size 28.  I am now in a 16/18, woohoo

Today was a good day. I woke up early, went to the gym and worked out for about an hr and a half. I ate good food all day and stayed on plan.  I decided to take the little ones to the beach today because we didn’t have anything better to do. It was a beautiful day.  A little cloudy at times but the sun was out plenty.  The beach we go to is in our town. A nice little beach with a few picnic tables and a big play ground. The beach was packed today… lots of people. I think there was some sort of gathering going on also.  So I sat on the beach enjoying the sun and watching the kids play. Honestly its one of my favorite places to be.  One of the main reasons we moved to florida was to be close to the ocean/beaches.  When I was bigger, for the past ten yrs of my life…. going to the beach was difficult emotionaly.  I still did it (all the time) because I love it and I enjoy it. But, it was hard for me to be in a bathing suit around strangers.  I would always be aware of the fact that I was (almost always) the biggest one there, or close to it. I was constantly worried about fat poking out, or wondering what the other people were thinking of me. I was sure they were thinking I was a lazy, disgusting, fat pig.  I guess after so many years, I got sort of used to this feeling of being self conscious, of feeling less than human, feeling like I stood out, or didn’t belong. I felt like everyone was totally disgusted by my appearance. It is a silent, but constant uncomfortable feeling of dispair.  Today was different… Today I didn’t feel like a total outcast, I didn’t think anyone was looking at me, or thinking I was disgusting. I felt “normal”. I just felt like another person on the beach enjoying the day with her kids. I wasn’t constantly worried about my fat sticking out of my suit. I didn’t feel like a spot light was on me.And I definetely was not the biggest one on the beach. It was a feeling of contentment and satisfaction I can’t even describe.  Mind you, I am still over weight and dont look like a supermodel in a bathing suit, but its just that feeling of being just one of the crowd that was totally comforting to me. I haven’t felt that way in so long while in a bathing suit.  Its an awesome feeling, a feeling of fitting in, not being noticed for being a heffer, just being normal.  Its better than any bowl of ice cream or piece of pizza.  it really is.

B-fruit smoothie w/ nonfat plain yogurt and flax seeds

L- protein shake, apple

S- sugar free iced coffee

D- chicken, cottage cheese, sour krout

S- yogurt, baked ritz crackers… a few hershey kisses

hey guys. Im back. Our computer charger came in, then our internet was off wack. ugh…. I dont even want to discuss this because I will scream! anyway… FINALLY, I’VE BROKEN UNDER 190LBS!  I was so excited to see the scale read 187.8 yesterday. I seriously almost felt as happy as when i hit Onderland. for some reason, just getting below 190 really meant something to me. :)  now, I think I will probably feel the same way about every new “decade” I get into.  I know I just needed to get over TOM, but I had been hovering around the same weight for about three weeks. it was getting really annoying.  so, I’ve been doing some thinking about my new years resolutions.  The major one was of course continue on my path to my goal weight, which I have been doing.  Some others were getting to all my dr.’s appts that I need to get to.  I did get to the dentist last week, now I need to make an OBGYN appt. its been a long time since I had a pap smere.  I also want to go to the dermatologist.  One of my other resolutions was (sort of a personal one) but basically it has to do with taking better care of my skin.  So now, Not only am I going to focus on my eating and exercise plan, but I need to take better care of my skin. I am going to get a calendar and put a star on it for each thing I do every day. a star for each : eating on plan, working out, and my skin care routine.  I am getting to the age where I need to pay attention to dry skin, wrinkles, ect…. so this is going to be my mission.  well, I am at work, and need to go ….. be back later

thanks you guys :)  sorry for the negative rambling post… you know how it is though. some days you just want to scream. and at least I have this blog to let out my emotions, LOL.  a lot of people have mentioned this weekend at work, that I look like I’ve lost more weight. so I guess even if its not showing on the scale, i should be happy that it looks like I’ve lost weight.  My sister told me the other day, that I need to just appreciate the weight I’ve lost and be happy NOW, and not wait to be happy when I get to goal.  She is right, I really need to revel in my accomplishments and not get so down on myself just because the weight is coming off slower these days.  I have come so far and have done something very few people have done. I need to be thankful to myself for the health, happiness, and confidence I have given myself!   No pitty parties :D 

well, work has been so busy this weekend and I haven’t been on here as much as I would have liked. we have ordered another computer charger and I am hoping it will be here soon. I may go crazy if its not.  so, I will be back thursday for sure, but maybe sooner (hopefully). I promise to be a better blogger and be more of a support to you all when I get my computer back. ttyl