why did i wait so long?

thanks for reading my article guys :) 

Im in a funk.  I just feel down today and am just sick of everything! Im sick of never having any extra money, or even enouph to pay our bills.  Hubby is going to school and I know that it is to better our situation, but it is so hard to stay positive.  I work ALL THE TIME!! it seems like I live at work. I am working over time. which I am thankful for because we REALLY need the money, but then I feel like I am never home, never with the kids and am not working out as long or as hard as I would be if I had the day off.  The stresses of all this is making me want to eat  A LOT.   I am finding it harder and harder to stay away from those bad foods.  My birthday was sunday and of course they had food and cake for me at work.  I ate way too much saturday, and monday. I feel like I am losing my groove.  My weight loss is slowing down so much that its really scaring me. I am hardly even losing anything any more. It SUCKS!!  I am sick of bouncing around 187-190.  I really need to stop cheating on my plan. I know that is the only way I am going to be able to lose more weight. I still work out 4-5 times a week so I know its not the exercise that is stoping me. Its what I put in my mouth. I have to be on plan EVERY SINGLE DAY from now on, or it just isn’t going to happen for me. My body is definetely not budging when I eat crap. Before (when I was heavier) even if I cheated a little on my plan, I would still lose weight…but now forget it. If I cheat at all. my weight stalls or goes up. Its very sad.  I just have to accept that I must eat right all the time or I will never get to my goal weight. I cant keep screwing around here.  I am not happy at the weight I am now. Dont get me wrong. I am happy with my progress, and very proud of my accomplishment so far, but I do not want to stop here. I dont want to be overweight any more. I want to be a normal healthy weight. And I want to stay that way for the rest of my life. My love affair with food has got to be over. No more cookies, or cheeze its, ice cream, and hamburgers.  NO MORE!!!  My desire to be thin is greater than my desire to eat this junk.  I have to stay focused on my goal and stop this stupid snacking on things I dont need.   Food used to be my main priority. It use to be what I looked forward to, it was my best friend. I cant live like that anymore. I have to let go of that relationship. I need to think of food as fuel for my body and nothing more than that.   I dont NEED ice cream or frosted cookies to live.  It doesn’t make me happy or make stress go away. It makes things worse!  It is the enemy.   When they say that weight loss is harder the smaller you get, they sure weren’t kidding.  It is SO MUCH HARDER NOW!!   I just have to focus on the prize. stay focused and stop straying from my plan, I will prevail!

a couple months ago I had mentioned that I was interviewed to be in an article about walking and being more active.  I thought they had just decided not to run the article because nothing ever came of it. well, i guess they just waited to decide to print it a couple months later. so here is the address , just incase you wanted to read it ;)   http://www.leememorial.org/mainlanding/start_walking.asp  this was a couple months ago, so I have lost 16 additional lbs since then.

This is a campaign that the hospital i work for is doing for the community.  Someone had contacted my gym (which is also connected to the hospital) and asked if anyone there had lost a bunch of weight with exercise. so, the lady who has been following my progress gave them my number.  They did an interview with me and said I would be in this article on the leememorial website and in the newspaper.  kinda cool eh?

sorry about the blurry picture. These were my capri pants that were snug on me 13 months ago. they are a size 28.  I am now in a 16/18, woohoo

Today was a good day. I woke up early, went to the gym and worked out for about an hr and a half. I ate good food all day and stayed on plan.  I decided to take the little ones to the beach today because we didn’t have anything better to do. It was a beautiful day.  A little cloudy at times but the sun was out plenty.  The beach we go to is in our town. A nice little beach with a few picnic tables and a big play ground. The beach was packed today… lots of people. I think there was some sort of gathering going on also.  So I sat on the beach enjoying the sun and watching the kids play. Honestly its one of my favorite places to be.  One of the main reasons we moved to florida was to be close to the ocean/beaches.  When I was bigger, for the past ten yrs of my life…. going to the beach was difficult emotionaly.  I still did it (all the time) because I love it and I enjoy it. But, it was hard for me to be in a bathing suit around strangers.  I would always be aware of the fact that I was (almost always) the biggest one there, or close to it. I was constantly worried about fat poking out, or wondering what the other people were thinking of me. I was sure they were thinking I was a lazy, disgusting, fat pig.  I guess after so many years, I got sort of used to this feeling of being self conscious, of feeling less than human, feeling like I stood out, or didn’t belong. I felt like everyone was totally disgusted by my appearance. It is a silent, but constant uncomfortable feeling of dispair.  Today was different… Today I didn’t feel like a total outcast, I didn’t think anyone was looking at me, or thinking I was disgusting. I felt “normal”. I just felt like another person on the beach enjoying the day with her kids. I wasn’t constantly worried about my fat sticking out of my suit. I didn’t feel like a spot light was on me.And I definetely was not the biggest one on the beach. It was a feeling of contentment and satisfaction I can’t even describe.  Mind you, I am still over weight and dont look like a supermodel in a bathing suit, but its just that feeling of being just one of the crowd that was totally comforting to me. I haven’t felt that way in so long while in a bathing suit.  Its an awesome feeling, a feeling of fitting in, not being noticed for being a heffer, just being normal.  Its better than any bowl of ice cream or piece of pizza.  it really is.

B-fruit smoothie w/ nonfat plain yogurt and flax seeds

L- protein shake, apple

S- sugar free iced coffee

D- chicken, cottage cheese, sour krout

S- yogurt, baked ritz crackers… a few hershey kisses

hey guys. Im back. Our computer charger came in, then our internet was off wack. ugh…. I dont even want to discuss this because I will scream! anyway… FINALLY, I’VE BROKEN UNDER 190LBS!  I was so excited to see the scale read 187.8 yesterday. I seriously almost felt as happy as when i hit Onderland. for some reason, just getting below 190 really meant something to me. :)  now, I think I will probably feel the same way about every new “decade” I get into.  I know I just needed to get over TOM, but I had been hovering around the same weight for about three weeks. it was getting really annoying.  so, I’ve been doing some thinking about my new years resolutions.  The major one was of course continue on my path to my goal weight, which I have been doing.  Some others were getting to all my dr.’s appts that I need to get to.  I did get to the dentist last week, now I need to make an OBGYN appt. its been a long time since I had a pap smere.  I also want to go to the dermatologist.  One of my other resolutions was (sort of a personal one) but basically it has to do with taking better care of my skin.  So now, Not only am I going to focus on my eating and exercise plan, but I need to take better care of my skin. I am going to get a calendar and put a star on it for each thing I do every day. a star for each : eating on plan, working out, and my skin care routine.  I am getting to the age where I need to pay attention to dry skin, wrinkles, ect…. so this is going to be my mission.  well, I am at work, and need to go ….. be back later

thanks you guys :)  sorry for the negative rambling post… you know how it is though. some days you just want to scream. and at least I have this blog to let out my emotions, LOL.  a lot of people have mentioned this weekend at work, that I look like I’ve lost more weight. so I guess even if its not showing on the scale, i should be happy that it looks like I’ve lost weight.  My sister told me the other day, that I need to just appreciate the weight I’ve lost and be happy NOW, and not wait to be happy when I get to goal.  She is right, I really need to revel in my accomplishments and not get so down on myself just because the weight is coming off slower these days.  I have come so far and have done something very few people have done. I need to be thankful to myself for the health, happiness, and confidence I have given myself!   No pitty parties :D 

well, work has been so busy this weekend and I haven’t been on here as much as I would have liked. we have ordered another computer charger and I am hoping it will be here soon. I may go crazy if its not.  so, I will be back thursday for sure, but maybe sooner (hopefully). I promise to be a better blogger and be more of a support to you all when I get my computer back. ttyl

can I just say, I HATE TOM!!  at least I hope that’s why the scale read two lbs heavier today than last week. I really hope this doesn’t mean that even though I work out like a maniac and eat right 99% of the time that I am still going to gain weight. wtf????   I mean, yeah I guess I could skip my twice a freaking month cheat meal….sure that would probably help the lbs come off, but dont I deserve a day or two a month to eat what ever comes to mind.  I just dont know anymore. I know it would be benificial to skip the cheat meals, but I just dont know if I could handle it. I mean, thats the only time I get to eat ice cream and cookies and all that fun stuff. I “need” my cheat days.  I just need it! I also need to lose 55 more lbs. so what to do?  I feel like my weight is coming off at a snails pace these days.  I am getting impatient and frustrated.  I feel like I am doing everything that I am suppose to do to lose weight, yet its just bouncing around 190, just teasing me. taunting me….saying “you’ll never get to your goal weight!”

works been busy, but i wanted to get on and write a quick post because it might be until thursday that I can get back on here :(  I am off again another four days in a row. I really love that. even working full time, i still get four days off. thats the benefit of working twelve hr shifts.  so, weigh in was today. I weigh 190.0. I was so hoping to see the 180’s but, maybe next week.  Its been about two weeks since I’ve had a cheat of any kind. so, today, when I wake up I am going to get some chicken wings. been craving them for some reason.  My plan is to not go crazy, not binge, not make my self so full i am sick, and not eat junk all day long. I’ve decided I will probably give myself a treat every other week. so my once a week cheat day has now become a twice a month treat meal.  :D  as long as I can contain it to that, I will be on track.  Its been so much harder to see the lbs come off at this smaller size.  it seems those days of losing four lbs a week are long gone for me. thats OK though, i was expecting it to slow down, and it sure has.  This week I plan to go to the beach at least once and ride my bike a few times.  Doing outdoor activites really keeps me going mentally.  I hate being cooped up all the time. working midnights, you really need some time in the sun. well, I’ll catch up with you all next week. we need to order another charger. ugh….

whew, what an awesome four days off!! I was out in the sun every single day doing something. sunday we went to the beach with my sister and daughter, monday I went to the beach by myself while the kids were in school, tuesday we had a long bike ride, and wednessday was a field trip with my oldest son. the field trip included a boat ride to an island and then we had a picnic and swam in the ocean.   I really enjoyed these last few days. I was able to spend some quality time with my kids and be outdoors enjoying the sun :)  I’ve been working out consistantly and eating on plan.  I have to say though, I have really been having some major sugar cravings lately. I am dreaming of frosted cookies and ice cream!  Then, I wake up hungry.  so, of course I come to work today and some one decides to bring in a huge cake for a co workers birthday! ugh…..there are so many damn birthdays in this dept.  Its like every other day is another b day, with another cake to tempt me.  Its really frustrating, because people really dont understand how bad I crave this stuff. 

Our computer charger is officially MIA. The money came out of the bank, and the mail says it was delivered…. but here we are without a charger :(  We are just going to have to order another one.  Money is tight right now, and it really sucks that we have to buy the thing twice just to get one of them!  But, I can’t go any longer w/o a computer. I am going crazy! I hate trying to calculate my calories w/o TDP.  I hate being away from 3fc for so long.  well, Im off to catch up on some blogs.

B- cheerios w/ light plain soy milk

S- cottage cheese, a whole tomato

L- protein shake (after workout)…then fruit smoothie with nonfat yogurt and flax seeds

S- 100 calorie popcorn

D- lean cuisine lemon pepper fish, chobani greek peach yogurt

S- brussel sprouts (steamed)    skinny latte from starbucks (yum)

aawww! thank you guys so much for your wonderful support. I am happy to say that the class I was dredding is over! That is a big load off my shoulders. I did well with it too. I am not so happy to say that our computer charger is lost somewhere in the mail. I am so mad! we ordered it like three weeks ago and it still hasn’t arrived. DH tracked it, and the place said it was “delivered”. wtf??? I am going insane without my computer. I am going insane w/o 3fc and the daily plate! I really hope it comes soon. I can only get on here at work, and I am off work until thursday. I am looking forward to the 4 days off though. I really need a four day stretch off of work.  Tomorrow my little girl and I are having a girls day out. we are going to the beach while the men folk do their own thing. I am looking forward to it. I had to go buy a new bathing suit today because the one from last summer falls off ;)  so, I go to try on a size 18 and it was too big, woohoo!! so I ended up buying a 16!  This is my first piece of clothing in a size 16 since I gained my weight ten yrs ago! its very cool. I really like the bathing suit. My arm flab is getting better (shrinking a bit). So its tolerable. I actually really like the way I look from the waist up. My inner thighs are what is bothering me. I have that inner thigh flabby wrinkly thing going on. not a pretty sight. LOL.  Ive been doing good food and exercise wise since my binge last week. I did gain a few lbs, but since then have been going back down. I deserved to gain the weight. I really over did it. so, basically I just put myself back by a week or two. ugh…. oh well, live and learn.  I just hope that doesn’t happen again anytime soon. well, im going to get caught up on my blog reading. there just isn’t enouph time here at work to play on here. happy Mothers Day to all you mommies out there

I hope this doesn’t end up being too negative of a post, but I guess this is just how im feeling lately. Sunday and Monday were not good days for me. Not good at all. Sunday, I had my “treat” meal. It turned into an all out binge. I made myself sick with the things I put into my body. That crazyness boiled over into monday. Monday wasn’t too bad, but I still made bad food choices. During this binge, I was thinking to myself “who am I kidding” “am I really going to be able to keep this weight off?” “am I really going to even be able to get to my goal?”.  well, definetely not eating like that I wont. But its just so scary when I lose control like that. It really makes me wonder if I will eventually just fall off the wagon and never get back on.  I know I am not to that point now, believe me, I am still well on my way to reaching my goal….I cant even imagine ruining all my hard work and going back to my old ways. but its just moments of weakness, moments during my binging that scare the crap out of me. I was sitting there pigging out on a huge bowl of ice cream just thinking “this tastes soooooo freaking good” and I had no control over it! I felt helpless to stop myself. Its very frustrating. I know I can’t be perfect on this journey, because god knows I haven’t been so far, but I just wish I could give myself a treat without going so over board (this has been the hardest thing to overcome for me, and I dont think I can go w/o giving myself a treat).  I fell hard this week, and Im trying to pick myself up today. I worked out hard today and ate on plan. It felt good to break out of the binge, but I am still very disappointed in my actions. Over eating is still very much a part of my life. And its a very scary thing.