who am I foolin? May 6, 2009
I hope this doesn’t end up being too negative of a post, but I guess this is just how im feeling lately. Sunday and Monday were not good days for me. Not good at all. Sunday, I had my “treat” meal. It turned into an all out binge. I made myself sick with the things I put into my body. That crazyness boiled over into monday. Monday wasn’t too bad, but I still made bad food choices. During this binge, I was thinking to myself “who am I kidding” “am I really going to be able to keep this weight off?” “am I really going to even be able to get to my goal?”. well, definetely not eating like that I wont. But its just so scary when I lose control like that. It really makes me wonder if I will eventually just fall off the wagon and never get back on. I know I am not to that point now, believe me, I am still well on my way to reaching my goal….I cant even imagine ruining all my hard work and going back to my old ways. but its just moments of weakness, moments during my binging that scare the crap out of me. I was sitting there pigging out on a huge bowl of ice cream just thinking “this tastes soooooo freaking good” and I had no control over it! I felt helpless to stop myself. Its very frustrating. I know I can’t be perfect on this journey, because god knows I haven’t been so far, but I just wish I could give myself a treat without going so over board (this has been the hardest thing to overcome for me, and I dont think I can go w/o giving myself a treat). I fell hard this week, and Im trying to pick myself up today. I worked out hard today and ate on plan. It felt good to break out of the binge, but I am still very disappointed in my actions. Over eating is still very much a part of my life. And its a very scary thing.
Frankly, I think losing weight (for good) is like an alcoholic finally giving up the booze (for good.) It won’t happen until the person reaches his/her own “bottom line”….and that’s different for everyone. (if it ever happens.) When it’s meant to be, it will be. When you get fed up enough, it will happen. Maybe the time is now for you, maybe it’s not. No one can force or push someone into making this life-altering change until, in the bottom of your heart, it because Not.An.Option. If you are fed up (with yourself and the effect on your life)….it will happen now. If you are sabotaging yourself, maybe you aren’t quite ready. I hope you don’t give up on yourself. It’s a fight, but it can be a good fight if you are ready. :: hugs ::
hey! i so so understand what you’re saying.
i go through these days where i just cant control myself. there was a time when i would have a tub of ice cream everyday. now, the thought of a full tub of icecream makes me shudder. and yet, somedays i start eating one bowl of ice-cream, then take a second helping. and soon i’m half-way through the tub. its so easy to slip back to the past. its really really scary.
but you know….the amount of weight you’ve lost is unbelievable. i have lost about 30 lbs and that (to me) is pretty decent. i guess we just need to keep going at it. learn to accept our binges and manage to pull ourselves out of it as soon as we can. the problem that happens with me is that once i get into the binging mood.. i get into the same old rut of justifying it to myself. ‘i’m tired’ ‘i need a break’ ‘i deserve to indulge’. but this justifying to myself is what got me to where i was… so i keep telling myself that i will never ever go back. you know, i am like the child who got burned, who’s not wary of fire, but sometimes gets this gleam in her eyes and puts her hand into the fire. knowing somewhere that i will get burned again. but the sensation is weirdly delightful. anyways, keep your chin up. you’re doing a wonderful job. (sorry abt the long comment)
take care
I read somewhere a quote from Jillian Michaels, sorry if I quote wrong.. just cause you trip over a stair doesn’t mean you should throw yourself down the whole flight. I think this is such a great quote to get over those trip ups that we have along the way. You are doing great. One day off plan will not hurt you so much on your journey, as long as they don’t happen too often. I don’t know if after you have lost a good amount of weight you feel you deserve a treat and so then something like this happens. Maybe you should make sure that you do reward yourself, not necessarily with food. But we all need encouragement for our great accomplishments.
(sh)It happens. I think you really enjoy exercise. I don’t think you have to worry about ending up where you were before. If for some reason you were incapable of continuing your exercise regime, the food thing could become scary. I don’t understand either why we can go along so smoothly with food and then BAM! We go into that one day or one treat meal thing with such confidence and something takes control and makes it so hard to get out. But you do, you did, you will. I really liked this book I read, Dietgirl. I don’t know if you have any time to read a book, you sound so busy. But I like how she finally came to terms with things in the end. You should read it if you can. I still have my copy and have been scouting the gym to pass it on to another Fat Chick. But I’m actually afraid they’re gonna be horrified when I offer it up
I’m thinking, ‘um… yeah you’re fat (like me!) I think you’d like this book!’
p.s. I’m still cheetos and trigger FREE!
I understand completely! I sometimes think that my attempt at weightloss is just a big joke. I mean, as if I could be anything but fat? This is when I reach for food.
Whenever this happens I try to stop what I’m doing and think of something else.
I guess I’m not just changing my attitude towards food, I am trying to like and respect myself a little more.
You’ve got to remember that you are SO successful at this, you are an in-control success story. Don’t convince yourself that you’re not.
I feel your pain, with this course I’m taking that takes up so much of my time (2 weeks left thank goodness) I feel like I’m destined to be this weight forever
But hey it’s a long journey and if we want to make it work we got to do it the good old fashioned way. We can do it!
**Hugs** I don’t have advice to offer up because this is a problem I am still working out as well… My binges are always related to emotional issues I might be dealing with and food is something I trained myself want when dealing with some type of emotional stressor… All I know is that you don’t fail unless you give up! You haven’t given up so you didn’t fail… Just keep on keepin’ on and you WILL make it to goal!