why did i wait so long?

SW 305

last week 210

today 207.4!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo im moving on down.  I have realized, and proven to myself that my cheat meals were holding me back. I knew it all along, but this is proof. I haven’t had a cheat in almost two weeks and look at that loss. It’s even TOM!! guess its time to accept this fact, and move forward. those first months of me being able to be a little wreckless are long gone. Time to be focused on the prize.  If i did it for two weeks, why not longer, right?  so, im thinking maybe just on the holidays like sterling suggested. sounds like a good plan to me.  Have a treat/cheat about once a month. along with whatever holiday is happening at the time. easter’s coming up, so maybe i can hold out til then?  its not like im starving or anything. Im eating healthy, feeling great. Why should I NEED to eat junk. I shouldn’t, and i dont.  thats it!!!

B- fruit smoothie with nonfat yogurt, strawberries, peach, orange

L- lean cuisine meal, cottage cheese with apples

S- string cheese stick

D- cheerios with light soy milk

S- egg beaters with ketchup

I just want to give you all a little glance into my world. this is a picture of my living room. It isn’t a recent picture (maybe 6months old) but not too many changes have occured. The thing i really love about this living room is the wood ceiling and the tile. I absolutely hate carpet.  I hate trying to keep carpet clean. Its almost impossible with kids. so, the tile makes it so much easier to clean. something spills…just get out the mop

Im happy to report that i am feeling better. I still have some breathing issues. What ever that was that decided to reside in my lungs is having a hard time moving on ;)  I had this issue in october too. I hope it stays away this time. Im sure i picked up some retched bug from work. The kids are doing  better too. Today was the first day that they all went to school.  They only had high fevers for like one day each. wierd. 

I am still going strong with no cheating. It has been surprisingly easy for some reason. I think it might be the fact that i am so close to the 100 lbs mark, but i hope it continues.  Guess what??? I finally built up the courage to do the body pump class. This is the class that is all about weight lifting. I chickened out a couple weeks ago. I am so glad i did it!! It was really no big deal. I loved it! It taught me new moves and isolated muscle groups. They weren’t intimidating at all.  actually some of the stuff i was doing in the spin circuit classes were a lot more difficult than what I did in body pump. LOL   what is really funny is I almost chickened out again. see, I took a rest day on wed, so I wanted to do a little extra thursday. my plan was to do my 60 min spin circuit class, then the 60 min body pump class.  So after the spin class I was talking myself out of bodypump, saying things to myself like ” its too much to do in one day, Im still a little under the weather, maybe i will push myself too far, the spin circuit class was pretty intense tonight” ect, ect…..Then something pushed all those excuses aside and I opened the door and went in.  After that it was no big thing :)  why do we try to make excuses for ourselves?  its frustrating.  They taught me new techniques like dead lifts, clean sweeps, ect… and made sure i had the right technique. It was like having my own personal trainer. very cool. I will go to that class often.

this is a picture of me and my sister. taken a couple yrs ago. we are identical twins. she is on the left, i am on the right. this was way before my weight loss began, hince the face shot! I rarely took pictures of anything lower than my neck. I do have a few full body shots i will post later.

this is us before our prom in highschool. I was about 135 (my goal weight) in the prom picture I am on the left and my sis in on the right. this pic was taken in 94 or 95. I was slim, but it didn’t come natural. I always had to watch what i eat, and I did work out a little bit here and there. no, we didn’t go to prom together, we did have our own dates, LOL.   And if I recall correctly, the night ended with me hallucinating on magic mushrooms in my boyfriends (my now hubbys) bed asking him to turn out the damn light because it was shining in my eyes. The light was the sun shining through the window! LMAO  yeah, i had a bad streak. I had lots of fun though. I wasn’t all bad. I kept up good grades and was a social butterfly. I just had the slight experimental drug phase, hey it was the 90’s. I just hope to keep my kids away from that phase.

well I wish I could come on here today and be more cheerful, but it just isn’t happening.  1st my internet has been screwy for a couple days now, so i can only get on here at work. hopefully that will be resolved very soon. cant live without TDP and this place :)  I am still sick. Still having trouble breathing. Ive been giving myself breathing treatments. now my throat feels very sore.  My kids are taking turns having high fevers and staying home from school. On top of it, ive been working like a dog. I really need a couple days of numbness.  Ive still mangaged to work out this week so far. Not too sure about tomorrow though. my breathing seems to be getting worse.   My poor little nephew (he’s 5) broke his arm at school yesterday. He fell off the monkey bars.  Its his elbow ,poor baby.  On a good note. I have gone over a week without a cheat. I am determined to make it to 14 days!! and maybe more. who knows.  so far, it hasn’t been too much torture.  so instead of taking a nap before work like I should have…DH and I decided to be a little irresponsible and spend money that we shouldn’t have. We went and saw “he’s just not that into you” at the theater. It was so good!!! Very cute movie.  Now, i am going on being awake for 24 hrs straight.  I do this periodically…it never gets any easier. Really stupid, i usually try to avoid it at all costs. oh well…..

sterling…yes, the avacado makes the smoothie taste a little different, but not too noticeable. I only use half of a medium to small one.  It does make it thicker though. It’s still a good smoothie.

meg… thanks. I hope so too. If i dont feel better by this weekend, I may have to call off work. I hope not.

juztagurl…. you are right, losing the lbs does make me feel better :)  It always does. no matter what. thank you

last week 212lbs

today 210.2 :D  so, i guess going to the gym even while i am sick paid off.  I am still feeling crappy. slightly better today. still have chest congestion and just feel weaker than usual.  I am at work “again” and its not easy to work while im sick. ugh… well just wanted to touch base here and share my good news. i’ll be back later on tonight.

b-fruit smoothie with nonfat greek yogurt strawberries, pineapple and half an avacado

L-tuna with light mayo and lowfat crackers (onion and relish)

S- deli popcorn

D-healthy choice meal, cottage double

S- honey nut cheerios with skim milk

wow, what a stressful few days!! I now officially have a full blown cold.  This is no head cold though, it went straight to my chest and hasn’t budged.  You know those little mucus guys on the muccinex commercial? you know the big green blobby guys that make their home in the lungs, yeah, well I think i must have a whole city of those little mucus guys living in my lungs (muccinex in, mucus out!) yeah right.  so i’ve been hacking and wheezing for days.  I did my new neonatal/babies class which is totally stressful. see, the hospital i work in currently is strictly for adults only. no kiddies or babies. Now that we are moving to a brand new hospital, they have decided to add to our duties. We are now going to have an OB/nursery. So we have to be at high risk deliveries and take care of little babies when they have difficulty breathing, or are way premature. Now, I think it will be exciting, and i am looking forward to being in the deliveries, BUT i am scared! I dont want the little babies lives in my hands. Im comfortable with adults, but babies…not so much.  Then today I went on the tour of the new hospital. The place is beautiful, smells great. every thing is shiny and new. BUT (there’s always a but right?) but, its so freakin big!! Its going to take forever to find my way around that place. Its just scary. change usually is, right? 

So even though i have been hacking up a lung or two, ive managed to work out the last few days. It hasn’t been easy and I know i probably shouldn’t be doing it.  I am just so sick of how slow my weight loss has been going lately, i didn’t want it to slow down even more. Today i did an AB class along with spin.  The things she had us doing were just unreal! now i feel like a flimsy noodle.  Im a sore girl tonight.  I know why my weight loss isn’t moving along as I would like. Its my fault. Even though i keep telling myself im going to cut down on cheats. i still did it this week. I know that if I just cut out the cheats and stay on track i will start to drop the lbs quickly. so, once again that is my goal…..gotta keep trying, I WONT GIVE UP THIS GOAL!! because I know this is the thing that is holding me back.

B-fruit smoothie with nonfat greek yogurt (strawberries, peach, orange)

L-grilled chicken wrap with light honey mustard

S- cottage cheese doubles with apples and cinnamon

S- sugar free, non fat iced latte from mc d’s

D- lentil soup, one sausage link (yum)      so far total=1300calories

I’ll probably have a small snack later

3days straight of work work work….and a little sleep thrown in there.  Ive been picking up extra hours because DH hasnt had much work lately. He installs windows so, you can imagine how the economy is affecting his job.  It sucks!! Im lucky to have a pretty secure job.  This week will be busy. today I have been trying to pamper myself because i am getting sick and dont want it to get worse. 3 days around extremely sick people will do that i guess. you’d think my immune system would be use to it by now. (im a respiratory therapist btw, for those who dont know)  wednesday i have to take a new class on neonatal care which is all day, then thursday i have a tour/orientation to the new hospital. then its back to work friday and saturday. I will fit time in to go to the gym though. I did good all weekend with food, but no exercise (unless you want to count walking around a hospital for 12 hrs each day) although i dont ever really count that as exercise.  Im sure i burn more calories doing that then just sitting on the couch though.  we did have one code blue which is a fairly good work out.  (hey, i gotta look at the positives in those situations ;)  a girl at my work gave me a basically brand new pair of jeans. They rock! they are a small size 18’s which zip up, but are still too tight for me to be comfortable in. so, that is my new goal for the next few weeks or so…to fit into those pants!! they are really cool, im thinking i will even wear them in my comparison photos when i hit 205. well, thats about it tonight chickies, im going to try to drug myself with some random cold medicine i find in my medicine cabinet.

Just got off of work, and about to go to sleep. I have to work all weekend and am not going to have a very fun valentines day.  Im going to weigh in when i wake up, so fingers crossed.  I only weigh myself once a week, because it would drive me crazy to see the little ups and downs. I like to see a difference when i get on the scale.  I am hoping for a difference in the right direction, hehe.    Works been busy, which i guess is a good thing…. job security and over time :)  We are about ready to move to a new hospital in a few weeks. Our hospital is old and falling apart, so they decided to build us a new one. The project has been going on for a couple yrs now, and it seemed as though the move was never going to happen….now we are weeks away, and everyone is going insane at the hospital. I just think people are afraid of change. I am a little nervous about the new surroundings and not knowing my way around and stuff, but for the most part i am excited to have a brand new hospital with all new equipment to work with.  anyway, hope you all have a wonderful valentines day….i am going to sleep and work, oh joy.

B- fruit smoothie with non fat yogurt and avacado

S- one small cupcake (couldn’t resist, but counted it in my calories)

L- tuna with light mayo and crackers

D- big salad with italian dressing, hard boiled egg, and pineapple

S- hot chocolate, honey nut cheerios with skim milk

S- another salad with italian and balsamic dressing

total= 1550 calories

update: the scale did not go in the right direction.  Im ok though… sometimes my body just needs to adjust to a certain weight for a couple weeks. ugh…  i still weigh the same

OMG, have you guys seen Joaquin Phoenix lately?  I was just watching The David Letterman show and he came on. He looks like a totally different person! He must be on crack or something. Im so dissappointed! I loved him, especially in “walk the line” with reese witherspoon. One of my fav movies of all time. I just cant get over how horrible he looks. He barely talked the whole time, and David Letterman made fun of him and made him look like a total ass!  OK, sorry for the off topic thing there. Im just shocked and sad at how he has changed. I hope he gets back to normal soon.

Today was “member appreciation day” at my gym. they let us bring a friend for the day. So, i brought my sister. She came to a spin class with me. It was fun! I was excited to be able to show her how far I’ve come and yes “show off” a little, hehe. but, i was so proud of her! It was her first class and she did the whole hour!!! I couldn’t believe it. I only did  a half hour my first class. I am sure she will feel it tomorrow. I just hope she can walk. LOL, but seriously. I had trouble walking for a few days after my first class. She actually cried afterword because she made it through the whole class. I dont blame her, its an awesome accomplishment.  She said she couldn’t believe how fit I’ve become, and she said i look “skinny”. thats so funny, because im not skinny, but I guess since she doesn’t see me very often (maybe once or twice a month) that she can see the difference more than someone who sees me every day.  so, today was a good day. Now, im just about to go eat some more spaghetti. Hope you sickies get better soon. Happy humpday.

oh, sterling…great idea about the cheat/holiday meal.  It’s definetely something to strive for.  Its a topic i’ve been struggling with throughout this whole process.  Something I must work on. Any advice or idea is totally welcome. thank you

B-oatmeal with soy milk, honey and cinnamon

L-whole grain spaghetti with ragu sauce and lean ground beef

S-ww ice cream cup

D- more spaghetti

feeling a little better today, of course working out always makes me feel better. I hate that I was so negative the last couple days.  You guys are right. I should be proud of my progress and not be so hard on myself. I dont think I am a bad person, or a failure.  I just get disappointed in my choices sometimes.  when I was at my heaviest and eating whatever and whenever, I didn’t think i was a bad person. I was a smart, kind, friendly, shy, loving mother and wife. I DID feel out of control and weak. I WAS out of control and weak. Not a bad person. I think that since I’ve started eating healthy and becoming more fit, I feel much stronger and much more in control. Except for when i let myself cheat. I then feel totally out of control and weak again. I hate that feeling. I wish I could just eat healthy and within my calories every. single. freaking. day. not 6 days a week, or the majority of the time. FOR FUCKING EVER!!!!  I want to be in control all the time. so when i give myself a cheat day or meal even though i enjoy it at that second im eating it, i feel like total crap after word. not just mentally, but physically ,CRAP!  I think a cheat meal helps some people, but for me… it might be more of a set back than anything.  The problem is…. actually doing it.  Sometimes the cravings i feel are so totally overwhelming that it is unimagineable to go without a cheat meal.  uncontrolable. This is a goal I must work on… to be able to go without a cheat meal. Not because i dont think i deserve one, not because i think its going to make me gain weight, but because its not mentally working for me. It sets me back every week and makes me feel out of control and weak.  so, this is a goal… a very hard goal that i am going to work on.  my plan for this goal is to stay within my calories every day, and one day a week let myself have a treat while still staying within my calories. This will allow me to have that food i crave once a week without over eating it, not stuffing myself with the shit. while still remaining in my calorie range.  The next step will be to just cut out the treat all together and make it a very rare occasion type thing.  I just dont want to have that out of control feeling, or that full to the brim feeling I get on cheat meals. Its not worth the second or two that its in my mouth.  I didn’t end up working out twice today, but the one workout i did do was very very vigorous. 90 minutes of hard core jillian style ass kicking! woo hoo. it felt great.

B- light and fit smoothie (yogurt)

L- turkey with light laughing cow cheese and low fat crackers

S- blueberries

D- baked fish, roasted red potato and brussel sprouts with olive oil

S- oatmeal with soymilk and honey

S- peanut butter on one piece of bread  and light soy milk  (total= 1400 cal)

I feel so lazy and lethargic today. I hope Im not coming down with something.  No gym today… I barely moved from the couch. ugh… I hate days like this. Tomorrow I am going to work out twice.  No excuses. I need to be more disciplined.  Im sure I feel lethargic today because of my cheat meal yesterday. Oh how I wish I could stop myself from doing a cheat meal/day. Why can’t I just have more will power?  Of course if I just controlled myself , that would be helpful. But, i usually go way over board and make myself way too full.  I feel like after a cheat meal, I have to start all over again.  Like Im right back to 305lbs. I know Im not, but thats the way i feel.  And the horrible thing is, i do it to myself. Its all my fault. ugh….. Im such a hippocrit.

today’s food:

B- fruit smoothie with non fat yogurt

L- roasted brussel sprouts with olive oil and baked orange roughy

S- skinny dipper ice cream

D- cheerios with light soy milk