why did i wait so long?

Dont have much to write about tonight. We went over to our friends house this evening and did a little fishing. They have a big canal with a dock in their back yard. I caught a med sized cat fish. we threw him back tho. Then DH caught one even bigger. It was fun.  I was hoping to catch a few big ones so we could eat them. oh well.  worked out today and did pretty good food wise. I stayed within my calories, even tho the choice for dinner wasn’t the best. We went to the friends house before dinner and ended up staying longer than i had expected. I was starving by the time we left and it was getting late. So, we ended up getting taco bell (toxic hell) lol.  i had three hard shell taco’s which added up to 510 calories. Why do i still feel guilty about eating them? ugh…. Like if its not a salad or seafood or fruit, i automatically feel guilty.  I really need to change my way of thinking.   Is anyone else sick of their christmas decorations or is it just me?? I take mine down after new years, but i always get sick of them directly after christmas.  well, i hope you all have funner plans than i do tomorrow night. I get to ring in the new year at work, giving people breathing treatments and such. yey!!

B- whole grain oatmeal with cinnamon and honey

S- apple

L- tuna with whole grain crackers

S- a handfull of wheat thin baked crackers

D- 3 hard shell taco’s (no sour cream) and a ww ice cream bar

I thought i’d close with a picture of my beautiful hairless kitties.  they are technically called SPHYNXS. We have 3 of them. their names are kiwi, patience, and baldwin.  1st picture is patience and baldwin. they are in a laundry basket. 2nd picture is kiwi in her elf hat. They are wonderful cats. spoiled rotten!! and a huge part of our family. they bring a tremendous amount of joy to our lives

mothermavis, thank you…you are right, i have come too far to let food push me around, LOL. NO MORE!! shalweshrink, I am letting it go. last week is behind me now and i am moving forward. thanks for your support. I am sure the issue with DH (and the kids for that matter) will be an ongoing struggle. we’ll have to take it one day at a time. I wish we could just meet in the middle somewhere. maybe them be a little more supportive and I will be “OK” with them having their junk once in a while.  billie, thanks so much for your on going support!! You are right, it was all that holiday food I ate that made me continue to crave the bad stuff.  I know that it’s not my families falt that i can’t control myself around food, but then i think if DH was an alcoholic, I wouldn’t sit there and drink in front of him and bring home booze every week either. LOL. I really appreciate all your comments. this blog helps me so much. I am so glad i found this place.

I am so ready to put this past week behind me! Dont get me wrong, I had a great christmas. My SIL went home tonight after a very nice visit.  The kids have really enjoyed their christmas vacation so far. Its just this past week food wise has been pretty bad.  Wed, and thurs were horrifying of course. Friday I was back on track and did real good. Sat was OK. I was at work and did have some things I shouldn’t have, and then there was today. ugh….. I did so well all day until about an hour ago.  I just want to punch myself, LOL kidding. But, I am just disappointed in how weak i can be sometimes. I wish I was stronger and had more will power. I wish food didn’t have this crazy power over me.  DH is not helping matters at all!!! I love him and he is a great guy, but I think for some insane reason he might be trying to sabatage my weight loss. He keeps baking cakes and bringing home chicken wings and shit!! wtf?? He knows how hard this is for me, how tempting these things are. Yet he still does it!! I was fine with him baking sweets for christmas and stuff. But he baked another cake tonight for no good reason at all! I was strong all day with that cake staring at me. I even passed up the chicken wings. I have been struggling all day with not eating a piece of that cake, not dipping into the frosting container in the fridge. Then I broke. I had a big piece of that evil cake. And if that wasn’t bad enouph i just said f*** it and had a couple spoon fulls of frosting, then two oreo’s. I guess you could call it a binge. I am just so ashamed to even admit this. I know i need to tho. I need to confess my weakness to you guys and myself in order to get past it.  I think I really need to retrain my brain somehow. I need to do something, because this is not going to work!  I just cant even imagine getting to goal weight and being able to keep it off in the mind frame i am in right now.  Food has too much power over me, and I can not stand it!!! I want to take that power away from food. I should be the one in control. All day long i told myself that i was not going to eat that cake. It wasn’t going to benefit me in any way. It would only make me fatter and feel bad about myself. at one point I think I even was talking to myself out loud in the mirror (LOL) Yet the stupid cake won!  I wish I could just have the control to say no.  It would help if the shit wasn’t shoved in my face all freaking day long tho. My hubby and I need to have a long talk. He needs to stop doing this to me. Its just not fair to tempt me with these things all the time.  On the other hand, I should have the control and power to turn away from the food.  IDK,  I know im rambling, but i just feel so guilty and disappointed and frustrated right now. 

So, after I ate the cake i went and cleaned out my fridge. I threw out all our leftovers and threw out some of the desserts from christmas. I wish i could throw that cake away too, but he just made it today.  I am putting an end to my weakness right now!! I am no longer giving myself permission to binge, to make myself sick and make myself ashamed. I have come way to far to let food win. I will conquer this battle because it feels too good to give up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, FOOD ISN’T WORTH IT!!   I dont care how bad I’ve eaten this past week, because I can make up for it with eating right and exercising for the rest of my life.  And that is just what I intent to do. 

I dont know if i have all of my goals thought of yet for 2009, but one of them is definetely

1.  to be the one in control of food.  I am no longer going to allow food to control me.

2. I want to stop having a whole day of “treating” myself. some weeks i am good about this, and other weeks not so much. I will treat myself every now and then, but no more full days of cheating!!!

3. I will reach 135lbs some time in 2009! (thats the big one)

4. I will fit into a size 10 pants or lower

5. I will make more of an effort to teach my family the healthy way to eat, and try to take back all those bad habbits i taught them.  Also encourage them to be more active.

aaaahhhhh, I feel much better. I ate good today, drank lots of water and worked out hard. I could just feel the gravy and stuffing shedding off of my ass ;)  I did a good, highly motivated spin class tonight plus about a half hour of upper body strength training.  Im not weighing this week just because i dont want to be disappointed. Im sure I’ve retained water if nothing else.  I am going to write out a list of new years goals here in the next few days. I think it will be nice to check them off as I accomplish them.  I’ve never been one to make a new years resolution, and i’m not really making them this year because i’m already well on my way with this lifestyle change. However, it will be nice to have goals to look forward to in the next year. It’s exciting to me to think that I will be at goal weight in 2009, and healthier than i have been in a decade :D  2008 has been pretty productive and I think 2009 will be even better.

B- fruit smoothie and non fat yogurt

S- watermelon and 15 wheat thin crackers

L- sauteed shrimp, steamed vegies

S- green tea with honey

D- bowl of chili with lean ground beef

these are my 3 kids plus my 7 nieces and nephews. this was at my house christmas eve. we always try to get pics of them all together, and this time we mixed it up a bit and had them lay in a cirle. My christmas was good. I spent quality time with the family, cooked a huge spread on x mas eve. This morning was awesome. The kids were all happy with their christmas. I enjoyed the holiday, but am sooooooo glad its over! I know that is horrible to say, but i am just looking forward to getting back on track and going to work out tomorrow. I ate way too much yesterday and today! I knew i was going to eat bad for one day, but that turned into two. so, now i am just focused on moving forward and eating clean for a long while!! I need to get this food out of my system and work out a lot for the next several weeks. I haven’t weighed myself, but I am sure i would just cry if I did. oh well… its over with now and i can focus on my healthy eating now. I hope you all had a merry christmas!

the damage:

about a thousand deviled eggs, cheese ball with ritz, salad, turkey, ham, stuffing, taters, noodles, gravy, corn, croissant roll, cake, pudding, cheesecake, mountain dew,  and more the next day…. (it was all good) and i am ready to work it off at the gym :)      oh and peppermint ice cream

starting weight= 305lbs

current weight= 221lbs

goal weight= 135 lbs.

I have lost four lbs this week!!!!! Which is awesome, but what is more awesome is that I have made it to my christmas goal!! I wanted to weigh about 220-222 for christmas. I still have like four days left too. What is even more awesome than that is that I am officially HALF WAY through my weight loss!! 85 gone, about 85 left to go.  Wow, I never thought i would say this, but that seemed really fast! It seems like i just started this and now i am already half way done. woo hoo I am feeling so happy tonight.  I fit into a scrub top that was too tight on me two weeks ago and I cant stop looking at myself in refletions. LOL I hope no one notices.  I feel great, stomach ache is gone.  The allergic reaction seems to be over with. The prednisone has left my system. I actually feel normal again.  After tonight i am off work for a whole week. I am looking forward to christmas and seeing my kids faces when they get their presents. Its such fun.

Thank you all for your comments and concerns about my issues ;)  I am happy to say that last week is behind me now and hopefully I will never have to go through that again. whew!! that sucked! DH’s sister is flying in tomorrow to stay for a week. She hasn’t seen me in 6 months.  I wonder if she’ll notice a change?  well, hope you all have a wonderful Sunday.

B- honey nut cheerios with light soy milk

S- 100 cal cheeze its

L- healthy choice sw ckn rice meal, an orange

D- low sugar oatmeal with half a banana

I feel like i’ve been doing nothing but whining and moaning for a week straight!! but, my belly hurts! Ever since i had that allergic reaction i have just not been myself.  I am finally off the prednisone, but I think i am still having side effects from it. I was light headed for like two days and just felt wierd.  I felt really dizzy and light headed this afternoon when i got to work, now i have a stomach ache. I just want to feel normal again!! I’ve worked out for the past four days and have done ok eating wise. I did eat cake and some chinese food on tuesday for DS birthday which i hadn’t planned, but oh well.  Then tonight at work i had a few chicken wings (which might be the cause of my achy stomach).  So I haven’t binged or stuffed myself or anything, but i could have made better choices.  I am a little nervous about the next week. My hubby’s sister is flying in for christmas and we will no doubt go out to eat. Then there’s the inevitable christmas gorge. ugh….. why can’t i just have control around food?? I dont think that will ever happen.  I will do the best I can tho :)   I just hope to be able to “eat right” until christmas.  Listen to me… i sound like its completely out of my control.  Actually I have complete control of what goes into my mouth, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it.

B- honey nut cheerio’s with 2% milk

S-light string cheese stick

L- smart ones beans and rice meal, a small peach

D- some chicken wings and a couple handfulls of tortilla chips (sigh)

S- apple and orange

1st pic april 2008, 305lbs, 2nd pic Dec 08 225lbs

I dont want to get ahead of myself, and i am knocking on wood (superstitious me) but, THE HIVES ARE GONE!!!!!!!!!!! I woke up this morning and i had clear skin! no itching! no swollen throat! no stomach cramps!!! what a relief. I am just praying that it is over and i never have to feel that way again. I am still on the steroids and antihistamines. I went back to the Dr for a follow up this morning. she said i can taper off the prednisone starting today. so i will only need to be on it for three more days. yey!!! I just hope that when i go off of it, i dont get the symptoms back again. wish me luck :D   I decided to do some exercise this morning. so i did the treadmill for 35 minutes and about 40 min strength training. it felt good to be back to my normal routine. I do have my appetite back too (not so sure how i feel about that ;)  now, i just need to try to find out why this allergic reaction happened so it doesn’t happen again. going to make an appt with an allergist/immunologist today.

B- honey nut cheerios with light soy milk

L- salad with hard boiled egg, spinach, sunflower seeds ect. fat free dressing

S- fiber one bar

S- side salad with light catalina dressing

D- brown rice with celery and carrots, vegie riblet with pickles and onion

well, its going on day five of this hell!! I am still having the hives. They dont seem to be going away at all! I am scared to death of all the side effects of the prednisone! I have been reading a lot of horror stories on the internet about prednisone. so last night i stopped taking it. This morning my throat and tongue were swollen again. I started the prednisone this afternoon. ugh….. I am so worried that i will get side effects and that the hives wont go away. I guess some cases of hives can last for weeks, or months and in some cases years!! I know i might be reading too much into it, but when its happening to you, you just cant help to try to find out as much about it as you can.  I just want this to all be over with! I dont understand why this happened to me now. I have been exercising and eating healthy. Im probably the healthiest I have been in ten years and now my body decides to fight me! WHY???? its just not fair! I know im being a whine ass. sorry.  Ive still been doing good with my eating. Im trying to eat because i dont have much of an appetite.  I just hope my appetite doesn’t go wild with this prednisone! I need to work out!! I think i might try tomorrow hives or not. I am not going to let this stop me from my goals.

B-honey nut cheerios with light soy milk

S- green tea

L- salad with tuna, hard boiled egg, asparagus, olives and home made dressing

D- lean cuisine flat bread sandwhich