why did i wait so long?

I had a great day :)  I ate good, worked out, and my middle child did real good at his base ball game.  Tomorrow my sister, who currently lives about ten minutes from me, is moving. She is going to be about 45 minutes drive from me now, which makes me very sad :(  we are very very close. she is my twin (my other half) and even tho we dont see each other every day…. i just like being close to her. I know that it’s not that far away and it is better for her because it is A LOT closer to her work. so, I am ok with it. I will be helping her move tomorrow, so that will be a good workout. If i’m not too worn out, i will still go to the gym tomorrow too.  I made my lunch for tomorrow to take with me, so i wont be tempted to get something bad.  I am determined to be on plan all week, and beyond. I just feel too bad physically and mentally when i go off my plan.

Just as a side note. while watching the biggest loser tonight,  I just wanted to punch vicky and Hebba in the face!!! I can not stand those two bitches and hope they get voted off soon! I am so happy vicky’s husband went home tonight. I LOVE little Amy!!! I was so happy she voted for brady!  my DH thinks im getting a little too involved in that show. lol, he just kept looking at me like “she’s lost it” :)  I mainly like watching to see how much weight these people are losing. The game part of it is just a bonus.  it motivates me too.  well, i need to get to sleep…lots to do tomorrow.

B- fruit smoothie

L- salad with tuna, asparagus, olives, hard boiled egg, spinache, and homemade dressing. (so yummy)

S- Danactive (2 french fries, DH had them at the baseball game)

S- lite mocha frappachino (100 cals)

D- sauteed shrimp in olive oil, garlic, white wine, and lemon. brussel sprouts

S- slim a bear 100 cal ice cream sandwhich

why do I keep doing this to myself?  I have had two days of disaster! I am ashamed of my actions, but i think i will feel better writing them down. If anything, it will at least make me feel accountable for them ;)  so…..Sunday is my day to have my  “treat meal” which I just started doing. I use to do a whole cheat day, but decided to change that to a treat meal once a week. well, that sort of went out the window sunday. I did work out sunday so it wasnt all bad.  initially I had some cheese its and popcorn, then had a steak sandwhich for lunch. it was my nephews birthday….so, i knew there would be desert. I had a cookie with frosting. so, it would have been fine to stop there.  then we went to the festival that night. There was no way in hell that I could have passed up those heavenly  food booths without getting something. it was just totally IMPOSSIBLE.  so basically, sunday turned out to be an all day food fest. OK, I was alright with that. it was one day, and I was over it. today was suppose to be the start of a new week right? WRONG!!!  The 1st thing I ate this morning was more cheese its (my binge food of choice) and potato chips with dip.  Dont ask me what I was thinking….. I really think i was just an outsider to this because I had no control over myself. It was like an out of body experience. so, then i told myself “it stops here…..from this point on i am back on track” and I did good most of the day. I deep cleaned the house which was pretty good exercise, and ate good for lunch and dinner. Then all of a sudden I was out of control again. I went for the dorito’s and of course, more fucking cheese its. then i just said “to hell with it” and had two small pieces of halloween candy. YES, we still have the damn halloween candy!!!!! ugh!!!  so now I am feeling totally disgusted with myself as usual after i go off my plan.  I really think i just need my jaw wired shut or something.  honestly, I know what would help. If I could just NOT  have this junk food in my house, i would not be tempted by it.  The problem is my hubby buys all this stuff for him and the kids. He doesn’t think they should suffer because I am trying to eat healthy. I somewhat agree with him. It isn’t fair to deprive the kids of the treats just because I am a ravenous pig that can’t control my actions. Then on the other hand i think that they really dont need this crap either. I mean, they shouldn’t be eating this stuff on a daily basis either. I just wish my DH would not bring the junk food in the house and I wish my kids would be ok with that. They would think that they were being punished tho. I dont know what to do. most days I can control myself around this food, but it would be a LOT easier if it just wasn’t in the house. I should have more control, but i just dont….. now, my lips are so dry and parched from all the salt i have consumed in the past 48 hours. I can just imagine what my organs look like. so, im drinking tons of water, and I am determined to be good all week. in fact, i think i will just avoid a “treat meal” this week all together, since I had my fair share of “treats” for a whole month.  I just have to think of this as a life or death situation. I CAN NOT EAT THIS SHIT ANY MORE, OR I WILL DIE!  maybe that will help, who knows.  anyway, i think writing it all down has helped, and I know i can do this….. I’ve been doing it for 7 months. There will be set backs like today, so i just have to pick myself up, dust my self off, and start all over again. wish me luck.

B- cheese its, chips and dip

L- fruit smoothie (just fruit blended up)

D- grilled salmon, brussel sprouts

S- weight watchers ice cream bar

S- several dorito’s, more cheese its, small snickers, small baby ruth ( i suck)

thanks so much for the supportive comments. I got through yesterday without any disasters and woke up this morning feeling much better. I wasnt as hungry today as yesterday. It  might have something to do with pms, i am still about a week or two from that TOM. who knows?  It is just a foreign feeling to me, i guess… to feel hungry after all those years of not allowing my stomach to be empty, LOL. today was a busy day at work, and i got a lot of activity in going up and down stairs and some CPR. I do feel bad that we had 2 code blue’s tonight, but it is good exercise. We had one success, one went to heaven

anyway,

B- fruit smoothie

L- smart ones, beans and rice

S- celery, and carrots with lite ranch veggie dip

S-danactive

D- to be decided, and i still have a fiber one bar i will eat in a couple hours.

I must be going insane from this weight loss thing. It consumes my brain, and i dont know if thats a  good thing or a bad thing.  right now, i am so hungry!!!! I am almost in tears at how uncontrolable i feel. thank god im at work, because if i were anywhere else, i might have binged today.  for some reason, i am really hungry . not just mental hunger, but physical hunger! I did have too much to eat today (i think). but, not a binge. No where near a binge. thankfully.  But i want to eat so bad, and its taking all my power to sit here and not go eat something.  why can’t i just not think about food? WHY???  also, one minute i am so proud of myself. I really think i am looking better and deep down, i know i am….but, then i have moments where i feel so freaking fat and disgusting. I feel like im not making any progress. Idk what is going on, but i feel like im having a bipolar moment. ( sorry about my grammar, i know it sucks….but i dont care at this point)

B- fruit smoothie

S- danactive

L- tuna salad with fat free mayo, and low fat crackers (too many crackers)

S- ww ice cream bar, and a few small halloween candies (ugh)

D- lean cuisean sandwhich, and some more tuna and crackers

Today was a good day:) for some reason it was real easy to stay on plan today. I finallly worked out today after a four day slug fest. It felt sooooooo good!  I hate it when i dont workout! not only do i feel like a slug but, i feel more tired and just down when i dont work out. It is an antidepressant for me i guess. so far, over all this journey has been easier than i imagined it would be. Not to say that it hasn’t been a hard road, because it has….. it just hasn’t been the torture i thought it would be. I really think the benefit outweighs any pain and suffering.  And being active has sooooo many benefits, that i cant ever imagine being sedentary again.  last week i only went to the gym 3 days :(   I know that that is still ok, but I really NEED exercise at least five days a week. I think i need it mentally, physically, and emotionally. I love it :)  I guess the most challenging thing i face on a day to day basis is my struggle with food. I think i have the activity thing licked.  which i am so thankful for.

B-fruit smoothie

L-small bowl of chili, side salad with lite french dressing

D- large salad with tuna, asparagus, black olives, and yummy homemade dressing

S- danactive.

I think i might go have a small snack before bed cuz my tummy is growling, maybe a pear good night all

well, i worked midnights last night and really wanted to go to the gym today. my gym is only opened until 5pm on sunday (ugh), so of course i woke up too late. for some reason i was just really tired today and did not want to get up!  I know i still could have went for a walk or did some sort of activity outside of the gym, but it just didn’t happen. so, im feeling a little guilty about that right now.  I really am proud of how far I’ve come so far, but i just wish it would start getting easier.  I dont think its hard to eat healthy. I actually really enjoy healthy food. I love fruits and vegies and seafood.  which i am thankful for, because i know some people dont like these foods. What is hard for me is controlling the “bad” and unhealthy food.  Sometimes i feel like I lost a good friend. Like my best friend is gone. that friend being cheeseburgers, fries, icecream…..all that stuff i use to enjoy every day.  Food was like a good friend. I know that that friend was a very bad influence. It made me feel so unhealthy, sluggish, disgusting, old, self conscious, and just plain bad about myself.  Its good that I am taking control of my eating, but that doesn’t make it any easier when the longing for that old friend comes back. I cant help to think “how am I going to control this yearning for food the rest of my life?” that is what this journey is about. a Life Long change….  anyway….moving on to some good stuff. my work is starting a biggest loser challenge next friday. we are all putting in 10 dollars and whoever loses the highest percentage of weight wins the money. its a nice motivation, and fun too. Im looking forward to it. i hope a lot of people join in :)  I am determined to be the winner.

B- fruit smoothie (just fruit blended up)

L-grilled shrimp with asparagus

S-danactive, some popcorn

S-fiber one bar, more popcorn

*since i woke up in the afternoon, that is propably all i will eat tonight. Im going to try to force myself to go to sleep early so i can be awake during the day. fingers crossed Now i just have to NOT eat the halloween candy that the kids have laying around the house. Damn Halloween!!!!!!!!!! Its like a heroin addict controlling themselves with a huge needle of heroin on the table! I WILL NOT EAT IT!!  ITS NOT WORTH IT!! I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT I PUT INTO MY MOUTH!!!