why did i wait so long?

Ok, well…. so far so good. I’ve been doing “good” since the 1st of may. worked out 4 times this week and stayed on track for the most part. tuesday I went a little crazy with some popcorn, but no binges! I’ve been within my calorie range for the whole week! yey :D  so it’s a good start. Im at work now, so I cant write much. 

Kiki I know you are right, I should blog more.  the problem is, when I was behaving badly, I wouldn’t blog. which was most of the past few months.  I will blog more often. I hate getting on my computer at home cuz it is so slow, but while I am at work, I will probably be on more often. thanks to everyone who commented. it means a lot! I feel a whole lot better now that I’ve been on track all week.  I WILL keep it up

b- fruit smoothie with nonfat yogurt and flax seeds

L- healthy choice turkey meal, two handfulls of trail mix

s- sugar free pudding cup

D- big salad with sun flower seeds, italian dressing

S- cheerios with skim milk

why is it that right now, still over 100lbs lighter than my start weight, I feel so much more fat, bloated, lazy and disgusting than I have ever felt before? wtf?  I know the answer to this, but it is frustrating. the answer is… because I have gained over 20 lbs back, and I feel so defeated and ashamed of myself.  gaining weight sucks ass! I mean, I realize when I am putting the food into my mouth that “hey this is a bad idea, this is going to make me feel like a fat ass, this is going straight to my stomach, legs, arms and thighs”  I know all of this, yet I still shovel it in like a prize heffer!  I need an intervention!  You would think that the fact that all of my clothes being too tight might be a trigger, or seeing the scale creep closer and closer back to the 200’s might be a trigger for me to start eating clean again! You would think, but it hasn’t happened yet. I mean, sure I can stay on track for a few days or even a week or so, but then boom! something always makes me fall off track and I turn into a human garbage disposal! I need to stop the insanity.  OR I WILL GAIN IT ALL BACK!! Ok, just needed to write it down. hopefully I will take my own advice and snap out of it! I only have the rest of my life to do this, right?  there is no time limit to my weight loss, its a continuous journey that is going to last my lifetime, so I need to just stop worrying about the past several months of destruction, get back on track with my eating, go to the damn gym, and suck it up!!!! so there

I cant believe It’s been four months since I’ve blogged on here! time flies.  I see a lot of new blogs, and a few old ones that look familiar. anyway, I guess I will update you all on my situation. since I last blogged, the stress in my life seems to remain.  My husband is doing better. he has been clean for a few months now. we got him some help and he started back to cullinary school.  I have been trying to deal with the confusion I feel towards him, but I am still confused. I love him and dont think I could leave him, but I am also still angry at him for the things he has put me through. I wont forget it any time soon. its been a hell of a year.

weight wise, I am up about 18 lbs since my lowest.  my lowest was in october at about 176. I saw 172 once, but only for a second. I now weigh 194.6 as of today.  not quite what I was hoping for at this juncture in my life, but hey, it could be worse.  I have not cheated in a little over a week. so, we shall see how it goes. I want to be back close to 176 by june. I still go to the gym four to five times a week.  the problem is….. the past 4-5 months or so, I will be on track and work out for about a week and then de- rail myself for a few days. so, this is how my weight krept up like it did.  I need to stay on track in order to lose! that is the plan. (as always) LOL.

B- grilled ckn wrap

L- coffee, big salad with sunflower seeds and caesar vinigarette dressing

S- wheat thins

D- healthy choice turkey marsala meal

S- small orange, apple… more coffee ( i am at work)

S- total cereal before I go home

thank you for you kind comments. they help.  Today I am feeling a little better than the last time I wrote.  I am still stressed to the max, but I am at work now and I seem to function better at work. I think I have a new emotion every five minutes. One minute I want to work it out with my husband, and the other I want to strangle him. I am lonely, and want affection, but I dont think he deserves it, lol… I think the best way to put it is, I am confused! anyway, enouph about him….. Its a new year, and along with a new year, I need new focus.  I need to focus on my weight, and health.  I took about a month off, and now I need to get back to it.  I will be able to function much better when I eat better and work out.  so there is a half hr left of 2009,  come midnight I am officially back on track. I haven’t weighed myself in about three weeks, so I will weigh myself, start counting calories, and start back at the gym tomorrow!  I am looking forward to getting out of this slump.  Im sure Ive gained weight over christmas, but I am going to try not to dwell on that. Not much I can do about it now.  Just have to pick up the pieces and move on…. My new years resolution this year is to :

get to my goal weight!  (hopefully by june)

continue to eat healthy

stop drinking so much coffee

focus more on my children, and spend more quality time with them

try not to stress about money

work out 4-5 times a week

Happy New Year everyone!

the last couple months have been hell!!! I have had no will to write in this blog, and dont know when I will be able to get back, mainly because I am focusing on my family life right now and not so much my weight loss. unfortunetely, when disaster happens, its hard to stay focused.  My husband is on drugs! I found out last month, he is taking pills. he knows people I dont know, he lies about where he is, who he’s with, and money! he steals money from me and so many other things.  I need to divorce him, but its hard with three kids. we have been married for 10 yrs! I dont even begin to know how to be single.  my kids are still little and they dont even understand what’s going on.  I am at a loss. I am depressed and unable to function properly. every day is a struggle just to get out of bed and go to work. I HATE him and its eating me up inside.  I think I may kick him out today, but that leaves me with so many other problems. I cant live with him like this anymore. I want to eat healthy and work out, but its just hard enouph getting out of bed. this christmas was one of the worst I have had in a long long time. I hope every one else had a good one. talk to you later

I just went on my progress page and noticed that I’ve only lost 7 lbs in the last six months!!!! that is just unacceptable to me.  I knew I was stahling and not progressing, but I think I was in denial at how long it has been.  How depressing! something has got to change.  My binging and eating crap is what has to change. my mind set has to change. I have to get with the program, or I will never lose any more weight.  I know maintaining is still great, but its not where I want to be. I want to get to a normal healthy weight of about 135-140!!

round, thank you so much for your comment. I think we must be a lot alike… I have heard a lot of people say that they had trouble getting past the 180 mark.  May be it is because of the fact that the clothes are easier to buy, and yes, i do feel so much more normal than I use to.  I feel much healther and energetic, but its just not where I want to end up.  I want to move forward and lose the rest of this weight so bad.  I appreciate your words. thank you

I do believe i “eat” my emotions and problems instead of talking them out.  Honestly though, I dont see any other solution. my problems have no solution, at least not at the moment.  but, i know eating them is no solution either, and its just causing me more stress and depression. 

next week we are going camping, for thanksgiving…. I really dont know how I will stay on track with a camping trip, but I will try.  wish me luck.

today I did 40 minutes elyptical, 10 min stair stepper, and half hour of upper body weights

B- fruit smoothie with nonfat yogurt, flax seeds and soy milk

L- veggie riblet, asparagus

S- cottage cheese double, apple

D- tomato soup

S- rice crispies with skim milk

wow, its been a while since ive wrote on this blog.  No excuses really, just not feeling bloggy.  Things have been pretty hectic around my world lately and I have a feeling its taking a toll on my eating habits and weight loss, or lack there of.  I notice there are a lot of new blogs here, so most of you probably dont even know me. but basically i’ll give a short review of my story. my name is Heidi, I started losing weight in april of 08 and have lost 130 lbs so far.  the last few months I have basically been maintaining my weight. I still want to lose 35-40 more lbs, but it seems almost impossible at this point. I am a calorie counter and I work out about 4 days a week.  working out for me is the easy part. I love spin classes and I love the way I feel after a work out.  It is sometimes hard to get to the gym, but once I am there, i feel great.  Eating on the other hand is still a major issue.  the stress in my life at this point is making me want to binge a lot!!! last week I spent 3 days eating crap!!! pumpkin ice cream with cool whip, nacho’s, popcorn, cheese its (my major weakness), a hamberger, lasagna. you name it….. it sucks! when I do this, i usually gain about 5 lbs.  I then lose it over the next couple weeks, but i believe this is why i am maintaining.  I will start to lose more weight, then binge and gain it back, then lose it again. this happens over and over again, and this has been my story for the past few months.  DH and I have been arguing a lot lately which is complicated and i dont want to bore people with the problems, but this is making me want to eat.  I have been having lots of financial problems, car issues, and working over time to try to give my kids a decent christmas…  all these are excuses as to why i am binging. I know if I just put my mind to it, i can control this, but its just hard!!! so, i just thought i would come on here and share.  I will try to come here more often.  hope everyone has a great thanksgiving and try not to eat too much.  (I know, that day will be a difficult one)  shit who am I kidding, this whole week is just going to be torture.ugh…..  good luck chicks

Just wanted to share some great news!! I made it out of the obesity category today! finally just overweight.  Just this week I have lost 4 lbs! dont ask me how because I haven’t changed anything much. maybe my body is just finally moving past my plateau.  I hope so anyway.  today I finally feel like Im moving in the right direction again.  I haven’t had any bad cravings in a couple weeks and haven’t binged either.  I am determined to stay on this track! hope everyone is well.  haven’t posted my food in a while, so here goes:

B- fruit smoothie with nonfat yogurt flax seeds, strawberries, blueberries and banana

L- healthy choice spinach, portabella parmesean meal

S- sunflower seeds, cottage cheese double

D- subway turkey on wheat 6 inch with vegies and mustard only

S- coffee, 100 cal pack natural almonds

S- weight control oatmeal package

well, I’ve been bouncing around 179/180 for about a week now. I think the 177 was just a fluke or something. IDK but I really need to do something else because at this rate I will never get to 135!  It seems like just when I think Im starting to lose again, I hit a stahl. Its so frustrating.  I haven’t had to buy new clothes all summer because I’ve only lost about 15 lbs this summer. I still work out 4 days a week and eat right most of the time. I only “treat” myself like one day out of every two weeks, but obviously that is what is hindering my progress.  It sucks!! I know this is a topic that just keeps repeating itself on my blog. 

Dh is getting really worried lately about me getting hit on at work. He never use to have to worry aobut this sort of thing because it never happened. Now all of a sudden he is obsessed with the fact that he thinks I am going to cheat on him!! this is becoming such a problem that I am consumed with it daily. have any of you guys had to deal with this after weight loss, its almost like he liked it better when i was fat because he wasn’t threatened by other people.  I keep reassuring him that I am doing this for my health and for my own satisfaction of the way I look (and for him) but not for anyone else!  I just hope it is a phase and it doesn’t get any worse.   he has always been smaller (in weight) than me and now he is bigger (not obese, but a little over weight) so the tables have turned. I also made the mistake of telling him about someone hitting on me at work. I was a little flattered by it, because I am just not used to this sort of thing, and I also thought it was right for me to let him know. but that might have triggered this whole thing! ugh….. what to do?   any thoughts?

I haven’t blogged much lately. i dont have much of an excuse.  I am still doing good eating and working out. It really is my life now and I can honestly say I dont think I will ever revert back to my old ways.  It has been 17 months since starting this journey, and I dont regret one minute of it. My life is so much better and I am so much happier!!  I lost 3 lbs this week!!! Finally got out of the 180’s. I weigh 177!!! I was so excited to see that on the scale.  about 40lbs to go until my goal weight.  It still seems so out of reach, but I know it will happen eventually. I am not going to focus too much on the time period because the weight loss is much slower now.  initially I was hoping to make it to goal by October (why? I have no idea) but now, as long as I get there some day, I am happy.  My 9 yr anniversary was yesterday. Hubby had flowers and a beautiful card sent to my work.  I am a lucky girl ;)  school starts monday, and I am so happy for that. the kids really need to get back to their normal schedules. this summer seemed to drag on. tomorrow is school supplies shoping day. thats always so much fun,  lol….. anyway, just wanted to stop by and say I am still alive and going strong.  catching up on blogs now.  later

oh, Beerab….no offense taken at all…no worries