Hello all! I apologize that this is the post that I do after such a long hiatus, but I felt like I needed to vent, so here goes nothing.
I am so frustrated! I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I am working hard and seeing very few results. I’ve been watching the Biggest Loser and while it usually makes me want to workout, last night I watched it and it only made me burst into tears. What the heck is going on?!
I just feel so alone. I’ve had people ask me about losing weight. I’ve had them tell me I look good… why don’t I buy any of it? I can’t see it in the mirror. I know my clothes are loose, but I still can’t see it. What is wrong with me? I have been stuck at about the same weight for SO long… is that why? I just feel like giving up. Perhaps I need something to focus on other than the number on the scale.
I started taking vitamins. I absolutely refuse to take diet pills. I don’t want any reason that I lost weight other than my hard work. My whole goal from the last year (June 12, 2008, I weighed 204 pounds) was to weigh 154 by my 33rd birthday (June 12, 2009). I’m afraid I’m not going to make it. It’s heartbreaking. I have 35 pounds to lose in 2 ½ months. I’ve only lost 10 pounds since last November?! I am in full freak out mode. Why can I watch Biggest Loser and they all do so well, even the chicky that came back from being at home…. And I stink at it?!
I have looked for positive proof of my effort and all I could come up with is a Health Risk Analysis that I had done for work on 11/19/2008. I thought I would post them, so I could see a difference. I have to go for blood work sometime this week, so maybe I’ll see a difference soon. The results of my work analysis were:
DATE - 11/19/2008
Height - 5′3″
Weight - 189
BMI - 33.5
Blood Pressure - 114/74 (Normal < 120/80)
Blood Sugar - 85 (Normal < 60-99)
Total Cholesterol - 181 (Desirable < 200)
HDL (Good) Cholesterol - 48 (Desirable is 40-59)
LDL (Bad) Cholesterol - 103 (Near Optimal 100-129)
Triglycerides - 145 (Normal < 150)
While I am within the normal range for all but Weight/BMI (imagine that), I want to make sure that I am as healthy as I can be. I have a history of heart disease and diabetes in my family and I don’t want to risk it. I had an uncle who lost his sight (and eventually died) from the effects of diabetes. He even tried hard to take care of himself! It is terrifying!
It looks like I need to increase my good cholesterol and lower my bad. I’ve been trying to eat things and lose weight to make that happen, but it is SO HARD! I got on the scale today and my weight is 179. 10 pounds in 4 months! Are you kidding?! I have been working my butt off!
I decided that running would help me burn calories, so I started running 3 miles per day (or as much of the 3 miles as I could) two weeks ago. Since then, my weight has merely fluctuated… I haven’t lost ANYTHING. I am trying to drink nothing but water and eat fresh foods. OMG…. I can’t take it anymore.
What am I doing wrong? Why isn’t this working?
Well - One good thing is that I haven’t given up. At least not yet. I’ve been at this for more than a year and I haven’t given up. Maybe that’s the only thing I have going for me right now.
Filed under: General on April 2nd, 2009 | 2 Comments »