Reclaiming ME!

So here we sit on the 2nd of July…  I had the day off and let Aaron stay home eith me today instead of going ot boys and gilrs club.  We went and mowed Aunt Kathy’s yard.  It wasn”t too hot and the wind was blowing enough to keep us from sweating to death on the way over.  Aaron helped me to pick up sticks.  He got a mommy and son day and I think he enjoyed it.  Maid is being qutie the vocal little pain in the butt tonight.  Not horrible just loud.  I got  a headache earlier probably fro the sun being so bright.  I feel a little better now I need to get out and mow our yard now.  I hope I can get it done tonight.  I think our TV is going out or acting up or something. the sides are getting fuzzy looking.

  My eating hasn”t been very good today, but I’m not stressing over it today.  I’m tryig to make healthy food choices but the house is pretty empty on food right now so I don’t have a lot of choices to choose from.  I have to work all weekend.. I thought Caleb and the kids were going to go to Illinois for the 4th but their plans have been changed for them.  So they will be home all weekend.  so there goes my little weekend get away to relax after work. I know that sounds horrible but I feel like I just need that time away from everyone every so often.  at least caleb doesn’t have to work until tuesday night.  

    Well, I’m off to mow or shower or something.  Hopefully the kids will cooperate.

So since I have started finding myself I have been looking into the couch to 5k running program.  I think that it is a totally doable way for me to start running again.  So I guess once I get a new pair of running shoes I’m gonna start tracking that on here also.  I’m working on putting together a playlist together so I’ll be ready to run.  I’m so excited to get started running again.  I’m a little worried about my overweight thighs rubbing together it’s always been a problem for me since gaining weight.  I guess I’ll see what happens. 

So after my horrible self ridiculing trash talking session a few days ago I have chosen to continue this journey a day at a time.  I am still working on the no smoking challenge.  I have alson began reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. OMG I think she crawled into my head to write this book.  There are so many things tha she says that strike a nerve to my core, Using food, cigarrettes, any addiction to withdrawl from dealing with reality.  Hiding myself from feeling or dealing with anything,  If I just eat this entire bag of choips then I won”t feel like a bad mother, or if I just keep shoveling the food into my mouth then I won’t have to deal with the grief of losing my mother 18 months ago.  If I don’t focus on who I am then I won’t disappoint myself.  If I don’t do anything but hide then there is nothing to fail at. 

But I am who I am.  I am 210 pounds.  I am out of shape.  I also have 2 beautiful children.  I will not blame them for me being out of shape oroverweight.  It is not their fault.  I chose to not get enough exercise.  I chose to eat the unhealthy food.  I am making small changes to eat better and get more exercise.  I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, friend.  But I need to be me for myself and find myself again before I can be anything for anyone.  Oh sure I have this picture perfect life inside my head that is not attainable.  and parts of it are and that is what I am changing to accomplish.  Not being happy with myself is tearing my family apart.  Not being real with myself is literally killing me inside.  My husband says that I am indecisive, and I am. not because I want to be difficult but because a lot of the time I really don’t care where we eat.  I’ll always eat too much.  where we go, I’ll never be happy.  what we do for vacation cause I’ll never feel comfortable in anything that i wear so it won’t matter where we go. 

So here I sit at the dawning of a new day to speak…  I am tackling this journey to learn about myself again.  To find myself. I have for so long tried to be everything for everyone else that I always pushed the ME inside this shell of who I used to be.  I am an athlete.  I love to run.  I love to laugh.  I cry A LOT! I am devoted to my job to the best of my ability and truly enjoy doing what I do.  I Love my children. I love my husband, he is my best friend, but somewhere along the way I think I forgot because I had so many layers of crap burying me.   I am a good daughter and sister.  I am a GREAT friend.  I am me.  I am going to find myself.  I just have to pick up all the bread crumbs that I left for myself along the way to find my way back…………….

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intentions of arriving in one pretty and well preserved piece but rather to skid broadside thoroughly used up, worn out shouting GERONIMO!!!!

ok so after I posted this I was rereading it to check for gramarical error and such I just started laughing cause through all of this I had forgotten what I titled my blog.  Reclaiming ME!!  ok maybe it’s just funny to me that I had forgotten or lost sight of that.  funny how it haas come full circle or at least started another loop.

Ok So I am officially the biggest failure I know.  I have fallen off the wagon once again and I really don’t know why I’m even trying anymore.  It is like my body has made up its mind that it is going to be this size and weight FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t take it anymore.  Not only that but my DH has a past friend whom he truly adores and that makes me feel like shit becaue she is PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!  She is a runner I used to be would love to again but well ou know at 215 pounds you can’t run very well and seriously why would I want to.  She is like ubber smart, beautiful, cute, little, confident and pretty much everything I think my husband wishes I were.  so where does that leave me.  Pretty much feeling like dog doo.  I really don’t need help with that dear but thanks for helping with something.  I don’t think it maters how hard I try I will never be able to compete! She is totally out of my league! 

OK>  so enough on my depressing rant of self hatred.  I WANT to lose weight and I want to run again, but I really am so depressed right now that I don’t know where to start what to do or who to turn to.  I’ve tried starving myself and throwing up yeah its that bad but my brain knows that this is wrong and I can’t do it.  I’ve tried that is the scary part.  I’ve joked about taking drugs to lose weight at least I would be skinny who cares that its completely illegal.  I’ve tried to compensate in other areas of my life to justify my existance.  I am a true over achieve at work.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I looked into gastric bypass or any of the surgeres and I’m not obese enough yet or have high blood pressure yet to warrant a dr. cutting out half of my stomach.  What do I Do?  I’ve read the books,  eat this not this, exercise for this long, do these exercises, drink water, no more junk food.  fruits and veggies out the wazzoo.  I just can’t do it.  It is too easy in this world to be over weight and lazy!  I am tired of feeling like this.  I refuse to go back on antidepressants!  I truly don’t know what to do anymore.  HELP ME PLEASE!

So This morning I weighed in @ 207!!!! I’ve lost 6.2 pounds.  I am following my shapeworks program to a T.  I am cigarette free 4 days, soda free for 4 days, and feeling great!  I am drinking a lot of water and surprisingly I have not been hungry between meal times with a snack at some point in the day it varies.  Today I have to eat my colorful well rounded meal for breakfast as I work from 11-8 today and have to pick up my kids 30 minutes away after getting off.  So I am not eating a full meal at 9:30 at night.  So I swapped breakfast for supper so I can just have my meal replacement shake on the way to get my kids.  I’m not used to eating this much at breakfast though so I may have to take part of it to work for a snack later.  2 slices of dry toast, boneless pork chop, 3 egg whites and I’m supposed to have brocolli and carrots too.  Maybe they”ll be my snack.  I also need to eat an apple or banana at some point today! Man I’m full already! and I haven”t even eaten 1/2 my pork chop and it’s not that big.  oh well.  More later! 

Ok so drum roll please….. Not!  I lost 2.8 pounds as of this morning.  No huge accomplishment but I’ll take it.  It’s mine!.  It’s day 2 on herbalife and I feel really good.  I have not been hungry except when it’s time to eat and my wonderful DH God bless him.  He bought pizza today from little ceasars.  2 of them for the kids for supper tonight and I’m sure his and my sons lunch today, but it’s still in my fridge right above my turkey breast that I cooked for supper for myself tonight.  I so wanted to cave and have a slice of pizza but with my program it calls for a healthy well rounded meal.  Pizza although it may be round is not healthy.  I did really well today got in all my protein that I was shooting for and still managed to come in a little under budget on the calorie side.  I actually ate 2 slices of bread with my supper since carbs and sweets are my pitfall but I made a turkey breast sandwich and it is of course 100% multi grain bread.  I still haven’t managed to get any fruit into my last couple of days.  I keep making plans to but it just hasn”t happened yet.  I forgot to take my banana to work today for my break but it was a crazy day anyways I sat still long enough to cool off and drink another bottle of water.  I hope progress continues to go smoothly.  More to come. Oh, I forgot to post yesterday, as if I really want to be reminded of where I started, but my starting weight was 213.2. 

Ok so today is officially Day 1 for me on Herbalife again.  I feel really good so far.  I have not been hungry at all today.  I have drank a ton of water seriously a ton.  Like 144 ounces so far today and it’s not over yet.  I have not had a cigarette in 2 days!!!!  WOOOHOOO!  Feel really good about that also.  I have had no soda today at all.  the only caffeine I’ve had is what is in my herbal concentrate and I’ve only had 2 little servings of that today.  I hope that the scales will reflect some kind of change tomorrow morning.  I know that it”ll take time for the weight to come off, but I am so doing this!

   The only problem I’ve encountered so far today is eating enough protein.  I’m supposed to have between 125-149 grams.  I’ve had 107.4 and 1039 calories.  I don”t know what else to do for getting my protein up there.  I guess I could start eating the protein bars that I bought for my husband.  I didn’t have any snacks today because I was so crazy busy at work that I only had 1 break and then I just chugged a bottle of water.  I need to look into good sources of protein without a ton of calories.  I’m trying to keep my calories between 1000-1200 definitely no more then 1500. 

If all goes well I will be on vacation in 53 days and I will be going to the ocean for the first time in my LIFE!!!!!  I’m so excited and I hope all goes as planned we”ll see.  I’d really like to be around 180 pounds or less by then.  I’m gonna have to bust my butt to get there, but I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get there once and FOR ALL!!!!  I am so very tired of being a fat mom.  But I’m not gonna beat myself up over it anymore.  I am doing something about it.  I am going to make me a better person.  I am going to do what I have to to make me happy with myself.  It’s time for ME!!!  I am RECLAIMING ME!