I’ve GOT to be Held Accountable!!

I’m not trying to be melodramatic, but I have to say I won’t be blogging anymore. I thought using this would help me find accountability, but it hasn’t. I thought I’d find a fat buddy, but I didn’t (I’m sure it’s me). For whatever reason I don’t fit in here and have just decided to quit trying. I do plan to continue to visit the forums though. I think they’re a better fit for me, because I need interaction with people and don’t really get any of that here. I hope you all continue to do well with your goals! You all have my best wishes.

I’ve found, almost by accident, that all-natural peanut butter (you know, the kind that collects water on the top of it because there’s no artificial ingredients in it) is an amazing appetite suppresant. I had some here at work, and didn’t feel like eating the calories of a pb&j sandwich, but was still really hungry. So I got a plastic spoon and scooped out about a tablespoon of the peanut butter, and made it last as long as possible. That was at noon and I’m still feeling good! Of course, all the water has a lot to do with it. But eating a “big” (as in, higher calorie) breakfast and a small calorie lunch (granted the pb still had about 150 calories in it), I’m all set for a snack later and then dinner. maybe it’s an awful thing to do but I was very happy how much it held me over.

I can’t believe it’s been like a month since I’ve been on here. Probably longer, actually. For most people, Christmas cookies do them in over the holidays. For me, it’s the Christmas shopping rush. I own a small business and when shoppers go crazy, I end up staying at my store for 12+ hours a day, often til 10pm at night. I handle stress pretty well, if I don’t say so myself, but being stuck in my store late hours meant that I ended up buying a lot of fast food to get me by. I should have been home cooking a healthy dinner, but that’s the way it went.

I did have a couple people shoot me an email to let me know they were thinking about me and I sure do appreciate it. Accountability is the hardest thing to find. My friends don’t struggle with their weight, so they don’t offer much help; my husband doesn’t struggle with his weight and he tries to offer help, but usually doesn’t think about it unless I’m at the point where I’m crying because I’m so upset with myself.

So I, naturally, undid everything I had already done, AND THEN SOME. Why do I suck so much? I’m now at an all new, all time high of 260lbs. Sigh. Self destructive barely begins to describe it.

So what am I doing. Well, I need to blog again. And in my bathroom, I drew a giant chart on the wall by the toilet (it’s sorta hidden in its own nook) where every 2 weeks I’m going to weigh myself and my husband is going to measure me. I want to stick to the 1000/1500 +fruits and veggies plan I was on.. when I wasn’t slammed with work it was pretty reasonable and easy to follow.

Losing weight on a budget? Man that’s hard. My husband finally graduates in May and maybe after then money won’t be a problem (whoo hoo engineer’s salary) but as of now, we don’t have the budget to buy fresh fruits and vegetables, the expensive healthy foods, protein shakes, etc. Any advice? How can you lose weight on a budget without starving yourself? Because when I get really upset with myself, I often become very restrictive, and just about borderline depressed. It’s a nasty cycle.

Any tips and all the support I can get are very much appreciated.

My husband loves me, he just doesn’t know better sometimes.

Yesterday I was doing fantastic! I wasn’t hungry much of the day and had 100 calories for breakfast and about 300 calories for lunch. That left me with a lot for dinner. Normally on Tuesdays my husband and I don’t eat together because he has class late and isn’t usually home until about 9pm. Well yesterday he calls me about 7pm and said he got out of class early because of Thanksgiving break starting today. And then he goes on to tell me “guess what!” and is so very excited. Normally when he’s that excited I think “he got a raise!!” but this time it meant, he got free food for us for dinner! Now, we’re broke, so free food is awesome however it comes, and I know he was excited to cut us a break. The bittersweet part is that the free food was carne asada with rice and beans, bean/cheese dip and chips!! I knew it would hurt his feelings if I said thanks but no thanks, so I ate some of it. Before he got home I cross-checked online to find as much calorie information as I could so I knew what I was getting into.

Fortunately he brought home corn tortillas which don’t have as much calories as flour tortillas, and the beef by itself wasn’t too bad either. The pico de gallo is totally free and the beans were OK. I couldn’t eat but a few bites because i knew it would add up. Lots of lettuce and salsa too and you know what - I managed to stay inside my 1000 calorie zone! I was very pleased. But I had to stare at cheese dip and NOT EAT IT. oh my gosh, cheese dip.. i can drool thinking about it.

And well, I’m sure you all know that when you eat mexican food it doesn’t stay in ya too long haha. So I think I managed to “dispose” of most of it this morning. LOL. I hope that doesn’t gross you out - I tend to be blunt, and I’m trying to tone it down just in case.

Well it’s about 2:30pm here and I’ve been good, eating lots of fruit so far because we’re having dinner @ church tonight and who knows what’s going to be available at a pot luck. I know what’s in mine and can always eat that if I have to. But I’m saving for something new, hopefully. Anyway, I got this gigantic craving for some french fries and a chicken sandwich.. the loser in me said “well you can just forget about today and tomorrow, just go get some Chick-Fil-A and get back on track Friday” and I needed an intervention. So I came on here, read some blogs, got encouraged and decided to type about last night. And now I think I’m good!! I’ve got a smartones in the freezer @ work and might go ahead and eat that since I’m obviously hungry.

I wish I had updated stats to post but I was running late this morning and completely forgot to weigh myself. I’ll have a new total in the morning and post it tomorrow.

What are anyone’s plans on how to tackle Thanksgiving??

So I gave my scale some new batteries last night, and of course waited until this morning to weigh myself, and I believe everything was just fine! WHEW!!

Yesterday was one of those days that I decided I’d have as a 1500 calorie day. You know, it’s good to throw my body a change. You get used to pills, you can get used to your diet too.. hellooooo!! plateau!!! So when my body gets used to these 1000 calorie days (not counting my fruits and veggies) and then I throw them a 1500 calorie day, I really think my metabolism boosts a little to burn it. Cause I use all of those 1000 calories, so it’s like my body says “mmm lemme eat those calories!!” And I certainly had them. I had pancakes for dinner!!! Oh boy, I can’t do that very often that’s for sure haha. But they were good. And they didn’t put me overboard, but they sure got me up to that 1500 mark.

OK - STATS!!

Starting Weight 257lbs, BMI 47 - Morbidly Obese

Current Weight 253.5, BMI 46.36 - Morbidly Obese

Currently Lost  1% of Starting Weight

Next 1% will put me at 252 - partially there!

I say stupid scale because I was looking forward - can you imagine - to weighing myself this morning and the batteries died! So, now I don’t even know if everything I had been weighing myself was accurate. I cringe to think it was all too low just because the batteries were dying. So, I’ll get some more on the way home today and try again tomorrow morning.. because weighing myself at night is just suicidal hahaha.

BUT, just in case the scale WAS right on Saturday morning..

Starting Weight 257, BMI 47 according to the calculator that factors in age and sex - I know it’s different than my original posting

Current Weight (I think) 254.5, BMI 46.54

First mini goal of 1% weight loss - MET!!!

Next up - another 2.5lbs

AND, if anyone can please help me figure out this blog program, I’d sure appreciate it. I don’t know how to do anything other than click on “write” and then start typing. Everyone else’s seems so organized and personalized. Even if you just have a how-to link or something. Thanks And is it possible to subscribe to someone else’s blog??

My budget is way low - has nothing to do w/ the current economy, it’s always been that way. My husband goes to school full time. But when shrimp is half off at the grocery store, I must purchase it again. I had 18 shrimps, sauteed in a pan with garlic and old bay - no oil, no butter, nothin’ but shrimp and seasoning. And for what? 140 calories. Break them into 3 pieces when I eat them, and they last a long time. Yum yum!!

Alright, so in the past, when I’ve successfully lost weight - - - hold up.  Can I even say that? Because had it been successful, I wouldn’t be in this position now would I? I digress.

In the past, when I was able to lose weight at least temporarily, I did it by counting calories. I’ve officially done WWers, and did pretty well with it (40lbs) but can’t afford to pay $50/mo for a support group and some old lady to weigh me in once a week. haha. I’ve got plenty of old lady friends who’d probably do that for free!

So here’s my plan. I’m going to eat as many fruits and vegetables as I want, and I’m not going to count any of their calories. Yeah yeah, I know fruit has calories, and some vegetables have more than insignificant calories, but I didn’t end up where I am eating fruits and vegetables. Noooope. And then, not counting that produce, I will eat 1000 calories a day - 5 days out of the week - and then on the other 2 days, I will eat 1500 calories a day if I feel like I need to. It doesn’t matter which day is what, but my week starts on Monday. If I don’t use any of my 1500 calorie days during the week, I can use them on the weekends, but only if I’m hankerin’ for some food. With my current weight, I’m eating about 2500-3500 calories a day. And as I understand it, 3500 calories = 1lb. So at worst, I’m cutting 1000 calories a day, which means every 3.5 days, I’ll lose 1lb. Theoretically. And that’s a good rate to lose! Of course, if I can throw in more exercise, it’ll help that along. And that’s the “worse” case scenario, even though worse case is me quitting.

Yeah so I like math, sorry about that one.

Stats

Starting Weight 257

Starting BMI 48.6

Current Weight 255.5

Current BMI 48.3

First Goal of 1% of weight lost - Almost there!

The problem with me is that I get really motivated when I’m starting to feel particularly bad about myself. I look at how far I’ve strayed and how much weight I’ve gained in my laziness, and my self-esteem plummits. What I’ve really gotta do is say “how cool will it be to say, hey, I lost over 100lbs!” instead of “hey, I’m fat, and I probably have diabetes now because of it, but I’m too scared to get checked.”

I have no idea who will read this. Maybe no one will. But as long as I know that someone could maybe be reading it, it will be some added motivation to keep myself accountable. I wish I were strong enough just to be accountable to myself, to God. I know that being 5′1 and 257lbs is not the way God intended for me to be. I know it’s because I’ve been lazy, eating fast foot, not exercising. I can’t put on socks anymore, and I wear flip flops in the winter.. I can’t walk up one flight of stairs to my own bedroom without my heart pumping. Just 3 years ago I was 155lbs, after having lost 43lbs. But, surprise, surprise, just like before, after I lose, I gain back more than twice as much.

Well whoever is out there.. I need help. I need to do this for myself, not for you, but having you around makes it better. My husband loves me, and is supportive, but not consistent… probably because I’m even worse.

So here goes.. again. I am 26 years old. I am 5′1 and weigh 257lbs. My BMI is 48.6 - morbidly obese, it seems. I am setting 1% mini goals until I lose 40% of my weight, to 155lbs. I know that for my height I’m “supposed” to weigh in the 120s-130s, but the only time I ever weighed in the 130s was when I was a varsity soccer player in high school, and I don’t feel like going back to a 6 miles-a-day lifestyle! When I weighed 155 I was extremely happy.

If you are in the same bracket as me, I’d love to do this together with you. I’ll be posting a picture soon.

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