My friends, you have probably wondered what happened to me, if I have given up completely or what was going on.  Well, I did start to lose my motivation, and just felt tired and off for a couple of weeks.  And then, I found out I was pregnant!  I know!!! If you have been reading me from the beginning, you know that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, and had some unfavorable fertility tests this past spring.  So, this is huge news. 

I took the home test 2 weeks ago, and was so scared to believe it.  I just felt this happiness wash over me, but kept saying to myself not to get too hopeful.  So, I bought a 2nd test, and it too was positive.  We cried, we were so happy.  I emailed my doctor right away.  That Monday, I got a call from her nurse.  I was to come in every 48 hours for blood tests to see if everything was ok, and then when my HCG numbers hit 2000, I could have an early ultrasound. 

We didn’t tell anyone right away.  I wasn’t overly worried about the blood tests.  The first one came back positive.  The 2nd one more than doubled, which is what it is supposed to do.  The 3rd one was just under double the 2nd one.  I wasn’t concerned, because there had only been 40 hours between those 2, and not the usual 48.  But, the nurse that called me with the results said it wasn’t good, and she would have to consult a doctor.  Now I started to get scared, and a little annoyed.  Couldn’t she have talked to the doctor before calling me?  Why get me all worried if she didn’t need to?  She called back and said it was fine, I should schedule my ultrasound for the following Monday.

So, last Monday my husband and I drove to MInneapolis at 7AM for our first ultrasound.  After reading online all weekend, I was questioning the value of scheduling the ultrasound so early.  I was only just barely 5 weeks pregnant, too soon to be able to see much of anything.  The tech also said we might not see anything at this early stage.  So, we do the scan.  She finds a gestational sac, but no yolk sac (yep, just like a breakfast egg, weird, huh?).  She said they can’t rule out an ectopic or chemical pregnancy, but it might just be too soon, and I should come back in 3 days. 

I was dissapointed, but not devastated.  I knew it was too early, and just thought the Dr. shouldn’t have suggested it this early.  Another Dr. comes in (not mine) to review the scans, and tells me again they can’t rule out an ectopic pregnancy, and then gives me a laundry list of symptoms and tells me to call the baby line if I experience any of them.  OK, good advice, a little alarming, but I was trying to stay positive.

Gary and I went home, I cried a little, was a little numb and scared, but pulled it together and tried to be positive.  Then we headed to the movies.  In the middle of all of this, we were celebrating our first wedding anniversary.  Once seated in the theater, I remember to pull out my cell phone to turn it off for the movie.  Then I see I have a message.  I listen, it is the nurse from my clinic.  They have gotten the results of my ultrasound and need to speak to me right away.  Now, I know they haven’t been told anything I wasn’t already told, but she sounded like it was urgent.  So I step out of the theater to call back.  I get her voice mail.  I leave a message and tell her that I can’t have my phone on, please leave a detailed message and I’ll get back to her.

I try to put it out of my mind for 2 hours while watching “Julie & Julia.”  After the movie I immediately check my message.  She tells me THREE TIMES that they haven’t ruled out an ectopic pregnancy, and that I need to call in right away.  I am beyond upset.  I call in, she sounds very dire when she tells me she needs to make sure I understand what this means.  I somehow tell her that yes, I understand, and yes I have the number to the baby line, and yes I will call as soon as I feel any of the symptoms she is telling me about, for the 8th time that day.

And then I hang up and have a nervous breakdown.  My head tells me that it is too soon to know anything, and that the clinic just needs to make sure I know I need to call if there are any problems.  But my heart hears every person I speak with affiliated with my doctor telling me that they have no confidence that this pregnancy will result in a healthy baby.  I have never cried so hard.  All I could think was, why are they doing this to me?  Why didn’t they just tell me the risks, and then schedule these test a week or so out, so they could be conclusive?  Why panic me unecessarily?

This was the worst week of my life.  Not only am I too scared to even let myself be happy about the baby, I can’t tell anyone yet.  And, my work has been insane, very stressful, trying to do the work of 6 people with only 3.  I could barely function.  I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back for the ultrasound on Thursday, because I was afraid it would still be too soon, and I would have to go through that all over again.

But, I couldn’t not go.  Thursday morning I woke up (not that I have slept much in the last week) totally nauseous.  This totally cheered me up.  I know, weird, but I also know that morning sickness is a symptom of a healthy pregnancy.  So while I felt like crap all day, I also tried to stay positive, this was a good sign.  Gary picked me up at work, and off we went.

Different tech, but I liked her right away.  She starts in and I see the gestational sac has gotten bigger, but there still isn’t anything in there.  She says she doesn’t see the yolk sac yet either, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it.  She looks very slowly from different angles.  Then she says lets look around and make sure there isn’t anything in the tubes (well, tube, since I only have one - part of our fertility problems).  We see my left ovary, which is kind of a funny barbell shape.  There is no tube on that side. 

As she scans over to look at my right side, the gestational sac pops into view again.  And there it is!  The yolk sac!  The tech was so funny, she seemed almost as excited as I was.  We looked and looked and she said she could see a yolk sac, and a tiny fetal pole, and a pulsing.   The tiny beginning of a heartbeat!  I felt the 1000 lbs I had been carrying around lift away, as the tears started.  My husband held my hand and we both were getting choked up.

Another Dr. came in, and confirmed that we have a baby!  He suggested we repeat the scan in a week, but we decline to make that appointment.  We are going to change medical providers, and I don’t want to continue to do testing before it makes sense to do it.  So, I am thrilled, all the while knowing the risks and the odds of things going wrong.  Oh, and here is something funny.  The Dr. figures it was my left ovary that ovulated, and since I don’t have a tube on that side, the egg must have migrated all the way over to my right side to get into place.  What a miracle!

So, obviously my weight loss goals are on hold for now.  I certainly need to focus on eathing healthy for myself and my baby.  I am hoping not to gain any more than the 35 lbs I had just lost.  Then after the baby I will be back at square one, but I don’t mind.  I could not be happier.  Just keep me and my baby in your prayers, so we can stay healthy.