a new me in progress

My friends, you have probably wondered what happened to me, if I have given up completely or what was going on.  Well, I did start to lose my motivation, and just felt tired and off for a couple of weeks.  And then, I found out I was pregnant!  I know!!! If you have been reading me from the beginning, you know that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, and had some unfavorable fertility tests this past spring.  So, this is huge news. 

I took the home test 2 weeks ago, and was so scared to believe it.  I just felt this happiness wash over me, but kept saying to myself not to get too hopeful.  So, I bought a 2nd test, and it too was positive.  We cried, we were so happy.  I emailed my doctor right away.  That Monday, I got a call from her nurse.  I was to come in every 48 hours for blood tests to see if everything was ok, and then when my HCG numbers hit 2000, I could have an early ultrasound. 

We didn’t tell anyone right away.  I wasn’t overly worried about the blood tests.  The first one came back positive.  The 2nd one more than doubled, which is what it is supposed to do.  The 3rd one was just under double the 2nd one.  I wasn’t concerned, because there had only been 40 hours between those 2, and not the usual 48.  But, the nurse that called me with the results said it wasn’t good, and she would have to consult a doctor.  Now I started to get scared, and a little annoyed.  Couldn’t she have talked to the doctor before calling me?  Why get me all worried if she didn’t need to?  She called back and said it was fine, I should schedule my ultrasound for the following Monday.

So, last Monday my husband and I drove to MInneapolis at 7AM for our first ultrasound.  After reading online all weekend, I was questioning the value of scheduling the ultrasound so early.  I was only just barely 5 weeks pregnant, too soon to be able to see much of anything.  The tech also said we might not see anything at this early stage.  So, we do the scan.  She finds a gestational sac, but no yolk sac (yep, just like a breakfast egg, weird, huh?).  She said they can’t rule out an ectopic or chemical pregnancy, but it might just be too soon, and I should come back in 3 days. 

I was dissapointed, but not devastated.  I knew it was too early, and just thought the Dr. shouldn’t have suggested it this early.  Another Dr. comes in (not mine) to review the scans, and tells me again they can’t rule out an ectopic pregnancy, and then gives me a laundry list of symptoms and tells me to call the baby line if I experience any of them.  OK, good advice, a little alarming, but I was trying to stay positive.

Gary and I went home, I cried a little, was a little numb and scared, but pulled it together and tried to be positive.  Then we headed to the movies.  In the middle of all of this, we were celebrating our first wedding anniversary.  Once seated in the theater, I remember to pull out my cell phone to turn it off for the movie.  Then I see I have a message.  I listen, it is the nurse from my clinic.  They have gotten the results of my ultrasound and need to speak to me right away.  Now, I know they haven’t been told anything I wasn’t already told, but she sounded like it was urgent.  So I step out of the theater to call back.  I get her voice mail.  I leave a message and tell her that I can’t have my phone on, please leave a detailed message and I’ll get back to her.

I try to put it out of my mind for 2 hours while watching “Julie & Julia.”  After the movie I immediately check my message.  She tells me THREE TIMES that they haven’t ruled out an ectopic pregnancy, and that I need to call in right away.  I am beyond upset.  I call in, she sounds very dire when she tells me she needs to make sure I understand what this means.  I somehow tell her that yes, I understand, and yes I have the number to the baby line, and yes I will call as soon as I feel any of the symptoms she is telling me about, for the 8th time that day.

And then I hang up and have a nervous breakdown.  My head tells me that it is too soon to know anything, and that the clinic just needs to make sure I know I need to call if there are any problems.  But my heart hears every person I speak with affiliated with my doctor telling me that they have no confidence that this pregnancy will result in a healthy baby.  I have never cried so hard.  All I could think was, why are they doing this to me?  Why didn’t they just tell me the risks, and then schedule these test a week or so out, so they could be conclusive?  Why panic me unecessarily?

This was the worst week of my life.  Not only am I too scared to even let myself be happy about the baby, I can’t tell anyone yet.  And, my work has been insane, very stressful, trying to do the work of 6 people with only 3.  I could barely function.  I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back for the ultrasound on Thursday, because I was afraid it would still be too soon, and I would have to go through that all over again.

But, I couldn’t not go.  Thursday morning I woke up (not that I have slept much in the last week) totally nauseous.  This totally cheered me up.  I know, weird, but I also know that morning sickness is a symptom of a healthy pregnancy.  So while I felt like crap all day, I also tried to stay positive, this was a good sign.  Gary picked me up at work, and off we went.

Different tech, but I liked her right away.  She starts in and I see the gestational sac has gotten bigger, but there still isn’t anything in there.  She says she doesn’t see the yolk sac yet either, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it.  She looks very slowly from different angles.  Then she says lets look around and make sure there isn’t anything in the tubes (well, tube, since I only have one - part of our fertility problems).  We see my left ovary, which is kind of a funny barbell shape.  There is no tube on that side. 

As she scans over to look at my right side, the gestational sac pops into view again.  And there it is!  The yolk sac!  The tech was so funny, she seemed almost as excited as I was.  We looked and looked and she said she could see a yolk sac, and a tiny fetal pole, and a pulsing.   The tiny beginning of a heartbeat!  I felt the 1000 lbs I had been carrying around lift away, as the tears started.  My husband held my hand and we both were getting choked up.

Another Dr. came in, and confirmed that we have a baby!  He suggested we repeat the scan in a week, but we decline to make that appointment.  We are going to change medical providers, and I don’t want to continue to do testing before it makes sense to do it.  So, I am thrilled, all the while knowing the risks and the odds of things going wrong.  Oh, and here is something funny.  The Dr. figures it was my left ovary that ovulated, and since I don’t have a tube on that side, the egg must have migrated all the way over to my right side to get into place.  What a miracle!

So, obviously my weight loss goals are on hold for now.  I certainly need to focus on eathing healthy for myself and my baby.  I am hoping not to gain any more than the 35 lbs I had just lost.  Then after the baby I will be back at square one, but I don’t mind.  I could not be happier.  Just keep me and my baby in your prayers, so we can stay healthy.

I know I have been neglecting my blog, I just have been soo stressed out with work and am so tired these days, I have given myself a little break.  My healthy journey is not over, I am just taking a little time to review my goals, and rest my mind and body.  Thank you for those who are faithful readers, I will be back soon with new and improved goals and plans.

So, I really haven’t had time to write, work has been crazy and I just haven’t felt like getting on the computer at night.  And, I haven’t had anything to say, because I am totally off the wagon right now.  Eating junk food, fast food, not working out, generally back to all my bad habits.  I am trying to figure out how to get through the next few weeks of craziness, and have to get back on the horse soon.  For now, I am just getting by.  The only good thing is that now that I have gotten into my smaller clothes, I will know when they get tight that I can’t put it off any more.  I will get back to this healthy stuff.  But for now, I have to get to work.

Super quick post today, as we are short staffed at work and I have a lot to do.  First, today I am back on the wagon.  I have had a disastrous couple of weeks, but today I am back on track.  Again… this is soo much harder than I hoped it would be.  I mean, I knew it would be hard, but I just wish it would get easier as time goes on.  Oh well, keep plugging along.

So, this morning I did a work out video I got from the library.  It was Dancing With the Stars Cardio Latin Rhythm (or something like that).  I don’t watch the show, but the dancing was fun.  I was really not doing well at keeping up with the steps, as they teach you a little too fast, but I kept moving, and it was fun.  I can feel it in my hips and thighs, so that is good.  I’ll have to do a little bit more before I have to return the video.

OK, lots to do today.  Have a great Monday!

Well, I was able to catch up on my sleep a little last night, and I am feeling somewhat better today.  The headache has gone away, but I feel the tension in the back of my neck, so I will expect a return later…

I’m looking forward to getting back into my routine, getting to the gym and making some more new yummy healthy recipes.  Time to get back to work.  Thank goodness it is Friday!!!

I haven’t been here in a couple of days, I just haven’t had anything to say, and I have been dealing with a headache.  The last 2 days I have been super exhausted, I don’t know why.  I think I just screwed up my system last weekend, staying up too late, sleeping too late, and it is all catching up with me.  I haven’t been to the gym in a while, I’ve just been too tired to make myself go.  That is not good, I know that working out would help with my energy level.  And, I weighed myself this morning and I am back up over 210, so I need to nip that in the bud right now.  Today I am going to catch up on my rest (I might take off early from work, we’ll see about that), and then I am going to get my ass back in the gym. 

I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning, after my shower before I got dressed.  Yep, looking at all my imperfections and flabbiness.  Well, I definitely have a lot of work to do, but I am beginning to see the thinner me underneath the fat.  I see the extra fat roll between my belly button and my hips has gotten smaller, and that with a little more work it might go away all together.  I still need to get my butt and thighs to shrink, but that little fat roll is the main goal right now.  Because while I want all of me to shrink, that is the one area that doesn’t belong there at all.  The rest of me is bigger than it should be, but this is the only wierd fat deposit that I wish I could just cut off with a knife.  So, I’m going to keep a close eye on you, my little spare tire, and you are going to go away!!!

I don’t have much to say today…Husband is coming home, can’t wait to see him, and to get back into a routine.  I feel good, am determined to say goodbye to plus size clothes forever this time.  We are coming up on our first anniversary, and I am hoping to have a new fun outfit to wear, and to get that pretty new lingerie I promised myself when I hit 200 lbs.  Keep looking forward, get my butt back in gear!

OK, bad news first…I did not do well this weekend.  Friday night, had to work late, stopped and did some shopping on my way home, then stopped and had dinner (chinese buffet…bad bad bad).  Saturday, I had to work for some system testing, didn’t bring any food with me.  Well, someone brought in donuts and bagels, so I had a huge cinnamin crunch bagel with honey walnut cream cheese at about 9:30.  then about 2 they brought in Subway, so I had 1/2 of a 6 inch sub.  This was not enough to fill me up, so later I had a big donut.  Worked until 8 pm.  Stopped at Aculpulco on the way home, had a big burrito.  Yummy, but fattening.

I also binged when I got home, finished off the girl scout cookies in the freezer, stayed up too late, did not work out.  ugh.

But, for some good news!  Yesterday I went shopping and everything I bought was a misses size.  No more plus sizes!  I can’t tell you how excited I am.  I bought size 18 misses jeans, 2 clearance tops, and a nicer 2 piece outfit.  All misses.  No more ugly, baggy, fat girl clothes.  I cleaned out my closet and filled an entire laundry basket with clothes that are now too big for me. 

I also pulled out a bunch of nicer dress clothes that I had put away 3 years ago because they were too small, and they all fit!  I need to lose about 5-10 more lbs to have them feel really comfortable, but I could wear them all right now!  I feel so great!  I am so excited about all of these nicer clothes, and can’t wait to wear them.  No more baggy, ugly t shirts for me!!!

So today is the last day for one of my teammates at work.  Now, I am sure there will be goodies and all sorts of things to tempt me, so I wanted to bring something in that was good for everyone.  Here is my very first attempt at making a fruit bouquet!

I think it turned out pretty good, for a first try.  I’m sure Dana will love it. 

The last couple of days have not been very good for me, motivation wise.  They say it takes 3 months to form a habit, but I can’t seem to make working out a habit I can stick with.  I do well for a few days, and then, boom, back to laziness.  Well, husband is going out of town this weekend, so that is even more of a challenge.  But, I am determined to lose these next 8 lbs to get me to 200, so hopefully I can work my butt off like crazy this weekend.

Well, that is all.  The same old struggle, eat right and be active…story of all of our lives.  Have a great weekend!

Today is one of those days where I just wanted to stay in bed.  Alarm went off at 4:45 so I could go to the gym before work…I snoozed 3 times, then just re-set it for 5:45.  At 5:45 it went off again, I snoozed another 3 times before turning it off…then waited 5 more minutes before getting out of bed.  So, no gym this morning.  And, I’m still tired.  It took me a while to fall asleep last night, and then I had weird dreams all night long.

Now, if you ever talk to my husband, he will tell you that weird dreams and me go hand in hand.  But, sometimes I feel like I am never getting any good rest, because in my sleep I have all this other stuff going on.  I know they say dream sleep is the really good stuff, but how can you feel rested when your mind is working all night long?  I honestly don’t remember what I dreamed about, but we have been watching season 1 of 24 on dvd, and so it was somehow related to that.  Apparently, my subconcsious thinks I am a CTU agent.  Good grief!

Anyway, since I didn’t go to the gym this morning, I should go tonight, but I am not sure I’ll be able to squeeze it in.  I was hoping to stop after work and get my hair done, and since the salon does not take appointments, there is no telling how long that will take.  So, we’ll see how that goes.  I guess I am going to have to make myself go to the gym tomorrow, no matter what.

Eating has been good lately.  Last night, my wonderful husband made dinner, marinated and grilled venison with grilled asparagus.  OMG, it was awesome.  Today will be something quick, since I have the hair thing going on.  Wednesday’s are always a little different, because my husband has his “boys night” where he gets together with his hunting buddies and shoots his bow (and drinks beer).  So I never plan dinner, he gets to grab whatever and I get to do whatever.  It works.

OK, contest time.  My friend over at www.priorfatgirl.com is having a contest, and the prize is a year of Health magazine.  I have never read this magazine, but I want it.  So, click over there and check her out!  She is my inspiration, and occasionally, my butt-kicker, and just in general, awesome!