My body says - NO DON’T!

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I am miserable in many variuos aspects of my life right now. I have really let myself go. I know that I don’t need to do that but it’s easier to just give in and give up than to fight it. It seems as though most everything I do, think or say is wrong. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and disappear. And then comes the holidays…. Isn’t that always such a joy? NOT! It’s a reminder of family situations/problems, FOOD, and finances. I just don’t want to gain weight. I do not ever want to go back to where I was or even 10 pounds back up at that. It’s doing it that is the hard part while all the other crap is going on around you that I’m so tired of struggling to do. Everyone just eats what they want, when they want and how much they want. Now I am limited beyond measure and feel deprived-sometimes. It’s not that I can’t have what, when and how much of whatever I want but that I know better than to completely cave.  I’ve given into temptation and convenience lately and am aware of it and now suffer the consequences of my own foolishness. We all understand what happens when you indulge at the numerous gatherings that we all face throughout the next few weeks. How did I survive this last year? Where was my head? What was I thinking? How did I make it through the holidays? Can I do it again? Will I get to my weight loss goal this year? Can I? How do I get that same frame of thinking that helped guide me through last year? I am weak now. I am tired. I don’t “see” myself where I need to be now. Content to have succeeded this far yet fearing the unknown - success? My mind says eat whatever.  My body says - NO DON’T!  Then reality is the reflection in the mirror of why I can’t be too terribly careless.  I can’t make absolutely stupid choices, much less try to “blame” someone else or any situation for allowing tempations to get the best of me.  I have come to far to give up now.  It’s been a very lonely road to travel on by myself without as much support as I wish I had had from people that you would expect and count on supporting you that are supposed to care - or heck at least fake it!  Geesh.  Well, I’m not blaming anyone, now I know that I can’t count on anyone either so I am left to push through to the finish line by my self- without giving credit to anyone for my success but me, myself and I.  I am doing it for me -  because no one else will or can, or thinks that I’m even worth the effort.

 

 

 

Chili anyone??

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Not much into mixing up ingredients since I am very particular about weighing everything. Yep, for most meals I use digital scales and weigh out my portions of lean meat and vegetables. Sometimes I’ll weigh my fruit but usually it has to be measured or guessed for a “serving size”. I have yet to find a list as to weight portions of fruit and nutritional facts by such.

I am actually anxious for lunch, which I got up and made this morning of course. I put 8 oz of tomatoes and peppers together and cooked them for a bit, added my chopped 4 oz of turkey breast and 1/4 cup of black beans (carb) with some water and texas chili powder then cooked it some more. I have my sea salt handy in case it needs a smidge but it sure looks, and smells, good anyways. Chili anyone?? We’ll see…. I typically don’t mix a bunch of stuff together into a soup like this but maybe, if it turned out, that could be my new “thing”. Considering that I always cook for ONE maybe even start a recipe file - “Dieting on your own”. I understand how difficult it must be for people living alone for shopping and preparing purposes and know first-hand how it is trying to lose weight in a family that still eats whatever they want - and I still cook it for them! GRRR! It’s just cruel sometimes. 

I enjoy cooking and baking but it makes me feel bad sometimes serving, or allowing, my family to eat some of the stuff they consume.  I have become the food police - in my head only.  It never helped me to hear people telling me to not eat this, don’t eat that, are you going back for seconds, etc.  You probably know some of those remarks.  No one knows what it feels like on the receiving end of remarks like that unless it’s you.  Anyways, since I choose not to eat certain foods anymore I really try to block out what other people are eating so as not to be tempted.  If I don’t acknowledge what people are eating around me and I have made good choices for me on my plate then I will not compare, envy or want what they are having.  It’s not so easy when it comes to the smell of certain foods - bakery items, pizza, popcorn and stuff like that.  I try not to eat anything prepared and have done pretty good so far.  It doesn’t do me any good to say anything to anyone else what they are eating because it is their choice what to put in their body.  They have to have their own awareness and live with the consequences, good or bad, by what they eat and nurish their bodies with.  I’m not perfect by any means but I have learned what works and what doesn’t and know how great I feel now without any prescriptions and only a trace amount of man made chemicals in foods being put into my body. 

I am doing it for me!

Hope renewed….

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My hope is renewed!  I have struggled so very long with weight, literally all of my life.  I am smaller now than I was in high school, maybe even junior high.   So much time has been “wasted” in the condition that I was in for 30 years.  Finally, maybe, I have figured out the reason, the cause, the direction in which God has been leading me to for all of these years.  I have submitted a letter regarding my situation and the situation that is growing in society today where people are trying to focus on their health and lose weight via surgery, naturally changing their health-style and/or through excercise.  SKIN!  After doing a little research online, there’s not really hope but by carving it off like a turkey!  So now let’s wait patiently and see where this leads.  Below is some of the letter.

I truly feel like I have been able to put on a “skinny suit” which most people don’t get to wear that are and were as big or bigger than I was.  I have discovered that it’s not how people treat you but more of how you present yourself by letting your pride and confidence radiate through your existence.  Looking good in clothes is a huge bonus, with the deep, very deep, appreciation for spandex!  People have no clue what is hidden underneath the threads.  This “skinny” suit is one that I can’t take off on my own.  After visiting a plastic surgeon for an idea of what could be done, I found out that I have an additional 25 pounds, give or take, that could be surgically removed, that needs to be surgically removed. 

 

The problem that comes with this new knowledge, being the price of around $30K, is that insurance will not cover anything.  Some insurances I believe will pay for corrective surgery, however mine is not one of them. So herein lies the situation – the fight for legislation for insurance companies, all of them, to pay for skin removal- it is corrective NOT cosmetic.  When I blogged in December last year I wrote about some of the ideas that I had.  Here is a portion of that blog:

 

My most recent revelation

I have a new goal and maybe someone can help me figure out a game plan, method, or even give me names, etc. to contact. After calling our insurance company, I found out that nothing is covered – “anything related to obesity is exempt”. Thus meaning, that all these years of having my skin stretched out, which is now, uh, not so pretty and only getting worse, will just be there. Insurance doesn’t cover anything reconstructive for extreme weight loss. GRRRRRrrrrr! Really?! I got off of blood pressure medicine, other meds years ago, and am in darn good health now and improving daily. CONCLUSION: Insurance companies (at least ours) are in business to keep you sick! If you are healthy, well, you’re on your own. The nation is in an epidemic of obesity and numerous health related conditions. There should be some kind of benefit to cover procedures to remove excess skin. There should be many stipulations and guidelines that must be met/followed to qualify, but every insurance company should pay out for this cause.

 

Example guidelines:

1) Must lose “x” % of BMI (not just a tummy tuck for losing 30 pounds) {mine has gone from over 58 to around 37}                     (My BMI now is about 30!)

2) Be at “x” BMI for a year after goal is met, doesn’t matter what kind of method is used to lose weight whether surgical procedure, health-style change, etc. {not met goal yet – but will, and this needs to be in order by the time I qualify!}

3) Have been under doctor care for duration of loss {my doctor is ecstatic! Very supportive and proudJ}

4) Been seen by a psychiatrist, been in a support group, followed a program, etc. {I attend a TOPS chapter weekly and go to MRC twice/week}

5) Retroactive - applies to anyone that has done such up to 5-10(?) years ago as long as previous guidelines were met {want anyone who has accomplished a huge weight loss to be eligible}

 

Okay, I’m sure there’d be a lot of people on board with this idea but who do we talk to and how do we approach it? Congressmen? Representatives? President?? You would think that the drug companies would be behind it as well, but not sure about that? Any ideas and hints would be helpful. I’m ready to speak and go forward. I volunteer to be the face of the once obese people! Don’t know really how that’d work but I’ll put myself out there for the sake of myself and others. Someone has to be willing to do it.

 

Back to a personal note, I have realized what I have done to my body and wrote it a letter the other day. I thought I’d share it with you.

 

Dear Body,

I deeply apologize for all the unhealthy, unwise, and downright stupid choices that I made in the past few decades. Please forgive me. I look forward to building an even healthier relationship with you today, tomorrow and for years/decades, to come.

Sincerely,

Heather

AKA “The hand that feeds you”

 

If you look up plastic surgery after weight loss or bariatric procedures you will find that there is obviously a HUGE need because there are lots of doctors playing on the growing (or shrinking) need.  If the nation is concerned with the increasing obesity problem and there are those that fight the battle of the bulge and win, naturally or surgically, shouldn’t we have the right to live the rest of our lives in a corrected more contoured figure?

 

I am a mother of two daughters that we have to consider paying for college, cars, weddings, etc. It has taken a toll on our family through the strife to finally lose the weight and work on keeping the pounds off sensibly.  I can’t afford to take funds away from our children and be selfish to invest that kind of money into something I would typically consider vain.  I have already deprived my children of a mother for most of their lives not being able to go and do the things with them that I should have been doing for not being physically or mentally capable.  It would be financially devastating to our family to make that commitment for years. 

 

There is obviously a huge problem with obesity in the society in which we live, practically being the norm, not even the exception anymore. We’re living in the land of plenty all right.  Now that there are people focused on losing and maintaining their weight loss there seems to be an even bigger problem that these elite successful dieters face.  It’s understandable that it could be considered vain to want the extra skin gone but it’s probably not for the vanity part for others any more than it is for me.  I have worked too hard to lose 170+ pounds, WITHOUT SURGERY, to want to LIVE the rest of my life hidden and shaped in girdles.  Don’t get me wrong – I love elastic and spandex – but I would like to live out my days/years/decades not having to tuck, shove and squeeze into figure contouring devices. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  IF you have any connections to help in this endeavor please let me know.

 

Today’s travel through eating…

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Schedule and time is so confusing sometimes.  I KNOW that I have to plan but today, and actually the last few days, I have failed myself.  I get upset with myself for wasting time when I do not do what I know that I need to do when it comes to what, when, how and I even suppose, why I “over” eat.  Thus the belief in the saying “If you fail to plan - you plan to fail!”  So true - so very true. 

Trying to stay positive in the weight loss game is not always easy.  I have to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time.  So when I eat “wrong” I over eat things that are on my eating plan - twice, three times and probably sometimes more than that too much. Why, oh why, do I allow myself to do that???  I don’t understand it.  I have come so very far from where I was at 367.5 pounds.  I refuse to return.  I have gotten down right tired of being so precise and measuring everything.  I know that it works for my body and that I am trying to find excuses to justify my lapse in judgement. I know that it was me, and only me, that put that extra few bites of cheese in my mouth, that put that extra heaping spoonful of freshly ground peanut butter in between my lips and that it is my fault, and mine alone, for the mental anguish that comes afterwards from losing control and giving into to flavor, convenience and temptations, not to mention the consequence on the scales and the effect on my body.  GRRRrrrr! 

So where do I go from here?  Well there’s another meal coming up….  I have recently given into the concept of “I already messed up today”.  Really?! What in the heck is up with that?  I cannot do that.  That is in no way going to get the results that I want. One meal at a time is going to have to be the focus and planning ahead.  I cannot beat myself up about it too hard though.  I must stay focused and be triumphant through each and every meal.  I can do this.  I can lose the last few pounds that I need to lose.  I have to.  I want to be where I need to be ASAP!  Geesh!  No one stands in my way but me.  Get out of the way!  Regain control over that old person with bad habits that resides within me and be triumphant!  I am going to do this.  I have to keep reminding myself - out loud a lot of times - that “I am doing it for ME!”