Posted by gum232 on February 6th, 2012 |Filed Under ME |
Well…here I am 149 pounds lighter than when I started this passage nearing one year ago. I’ve been on a plateau for a few weeks and it’s quite upsetting. Tonight I saw Hannah Curlee speak. She was a contestant/participant on The Biggest Loser season 11. How amazing to hear an abbreviated tale through her experience. She was quite inspiring and encouraging. Yeah I’ll admit I cried. Such a sap I know. It’s such a personal, soul searching journey for each person who is overweight, all with similarities and sadness.
This has been a very hard journey and I’ve not reached my goal yet. I don’t mean to sound negative but i’ve been so far and i am not there…yet. I look back and understand how far I’ve come and know that it’s a huge accomplishment to make it to this point. I know that I can do it. I made it this far. I can go all the way. I AM DOING IT FOR ME! That might sound selfish but I am doing it for me. It’s for my physical health, emotional well-being and self worth. For the longest I have blamed myself for letting my body get in the condition that it was in for three, yes three, decades. No skinny pictures of me- just varying ranges of fat. Ugly word but the truth sometimes is ugly too. I’m not putting the blame on anyone or anything but I am owning it and changing it. I am in charge of me- no one else. No one else puts food in my mouth. No one else can exercise for me. No one else can overcome my personal obstacles - but ME. Sounds good and easy, right? It’s a lot easier said than done for sure.
One of the things discussed tonight was - help. If you are in need of help- you have to ask. People are typically willing to help. I know I have been an encouragement that I didn’t quite set out to be but now I am asking- please help me. I have made it this far and I have been struggling. I don’t necessarily want to eat the wrong things but I think I am getting bored with the same routine. I make & take my food everywhere I go. I know what to eat and have only recently been able to try new combinations and make up some recipes or try new ideas that I find and alter them to make it how I want it. Maybe that’s what’s wrong…my body doesn’t like the different stuff. I need help though. I need prayers and guidance to keep going. It’s almost like there’s a dead end sign hitting me in the face. My body is fighting me it seems. Once before, at about 80 pounds lost, I hit a barrier. I related it to the mourning for the weight I had lost. My protection and shield was gone. Now what?
I wrote a sentence to a friend today that I haven’t seen in a few months. It’s weird that people I know, that I know know me, don’t know me. Wow. To stop and digest that thought! I am me. I am the same me that I used to be but somehow I’m not. I like to think that I’ve become a better person with a new outlook on life. I really do try to stay positive but sometimes it’s not so easy. Is the old me fading away? Where am I? Who am I? Am I someone now that I like? I think so. If I’m not me then who am I to be? I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and boy was I right!
I am trying to exercise more and that makes me feel good. I can actually jog! Yep! Crazy huh? At an event yesterday the only thing that was tempting was the strawberries. What? Really? Man what a difference a year makes! (if you’re wondering, I already had eaten my measured portions.) I suppose that I have changed after so many years in such a state of misery that maybe the attention is too overwhelming, the difference isn’t just on the outside but the inside, my being, my existence is evolving to a condition that is unfamiliar and very scary. I did not acknowledge or realize that I was so unhappy and miserable before. I suppose it’s time to admit it and own the past as well. Perhaps this is another mourning period? Let the grief be gone so I can move past that dead end sign. Are these tears of joy? Sadness? Grief? Until I know I’ll just keep doing the same ole thing and hope my body will let me take it to where it should be, where it should have been for years and where I can find comfort, peace and contentment with my physical body.
P.S. I wrote this then went to the gym before posting. Crazy struggling and juggling all these thoughts. I did the eliptical for 20 mins about 4 miles then on to a bike for the rest of the hour for 10 miles with alternating standing and some hand weights.. I want this gone! Ugh