Posted by gum232 on June 18th, 2011 |Filed Under ME |
I know that I have come a long way from where I was but it’s getting harder now. It’s become somewhat routine of what I eat, when, how food is prepared, packing everything that I can think of to possibly eat out and about, etc. I’ve got such a long way to go though- more than I’ve already lost. I’m knocking 80 pounds but the friends I know doing the same program, or eating lifestyle, are knocking on the heels of their goals. Noone had near as much to lose as I did/do. But perhaps, not having thought about it before, maybe I have the most to gain from losing all this. Can I really lose more than half of me from where I used to be?
I am getting discouraged… HELP! I feel better. I definitely look better. But inside - I’m really struggling with all the emotional stuff that is going along with this transformation. I know that I didn’t gain all this burden overnight and that it’s impossible to just wake up and be at goal, small ones or long term. I keep trying to picutre myself in the future. I’ve NEVER been there - I can’t see it. I want to see myself in a condition, a place, in a body that is completley unfamiliar to me but I can’t. Not yet anyways.
Noone has known me in a smaller form. Can I do it? I’ve never known Me in a smaller form! Will I even like me? Will I turn into a different person- that is not me? Will people like/love me more or less because of my physical appearance? I’ve never been one to judge by appearances because I don’t want someone to judge me. I’m sick of being judged because of this fat suit that’s attached. Can I still be me when externally it’s not the me that I’ve been for decades of my life? It really is hard to try to let all these feelings emerge, much less to talk about them and face them. Eighty pounds! I think I am in mourning. I’ve lost something. Do you go through steps of grieving over weight loss like you do when a loved one dies? Goodbye old “friend?” Shouldn’t I be celebrating instead of sad? It’s been my shield and protector for years - but from what and who? Myself!
I am scared. I’ll admit it. Am I to the point of turning back like I’ve always done? Getting to the edge of my “comfort zone”, do I stop and return to where I was? Can I cross the bridge? All I can see and hear in my head is Donkey yelling on the wobbly bridge “I’m looking down!” What will happen? If I stop it won’t be good. If I can push myself, drag myself, literally force myself to cross over this bridge where will it take me? Can I overcome these feelings of discouragement? I want to mentally, or do I? I AM STRUGGLING! BAD! I’ve not been under 300 punds in years and it feels good. I can not honestly tell you the last time I was under 250- college? maybe? I’m pretty sure my husband met me and married me above 250. That’s a whole other discussion about this relationship.
I am about to venture into territory that I have never explored or traveled-conciously. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying not to “cheat”. I’m trying to not think that I have such a LONGGGG way to go. I’m trying to still be encouraging to friends that I am so very jealous of now. I am honestly happy for them and very proud of their efforts so why am I mad? Guess I’m just so dang mad at myself that I let my condition get so far out of control. I have to keep trying to think that I’m not doing for my husband, my kids, my family, a party or gathering (reunion, etc) but that I am doing it for me. I’ve won some little battles internally to this point but this one keeps going on and on and on.
I know I’ve got to do this. I know I’m not giving up. I am worth it. I am doing it for me.