I am getting discouraged…HELP!

Posted by gum232 on June 18th, 2011 |Filed Under ME | 5 Comments

I know that I have come a long way from where I was but it’s getting harder now.  It’s become somewhat routine of what I eat, when, how food is prepared, packing everything that I can think of to possibly eat out and about, etc.   I’ve got such a long way to go though- more than I’ve already lost.  I’m knocking 80 pounds but the friends I know doing the same program, or eating lifestyle, are knocking on the heels of their goals.  Noone had near as much to lose as I did/do. But perhaps, not having thought about it before, maybe I have the most to gain from losing all this.  Can I really lose more than half of me from where I used to be?

I am getting discouraged… HELP!  I feel better.  I definitely look better. But inside – I’m really struggling with all the emotional stuff that is going along with this transformation.  I know that I didn’t gain all this burden overnight and that it’s impossible to just wake up and be at goal, small ones or long term. I keep trying to picutre myself in the future.  I’ve NEVER been there – I can’t see it.  I want to see myself in a condition, a place, in a body that is completley unfamiliar to me but I can’t.  Not yet anyways. 

Noone has known me in a smaller form.  Can I do it?  I’ve never known Me in a smaller form!  Will I even like me? Will I turn into a different person- that is not me?  Will people like/love me more or less because of my physical appearance?  I’ve never been one to judge by appearances because I don’t want someone to judge me.  I’m sick of being judged because of this fat suit that’s attached.  Can I still be me when externally it’s not the me that I’ve been for decades of my life? It really is hard to try to let all these feelings emerge, much less to talk about them and face them.  Eighty pounds!  I think I am in mourning.  I’ve lost something.  Do you go through steps of grieving over weight loss like you do when a loved one dies?  Goodbye old “friend?” Shouldn’t I be celebrating instead of sad? It’s been my shield and protector for years – but from what and who?  Myself!

I am scared.  I’ll admit it.  Am I to the point of turning back like I’ve always done?  Getting to the edge of my “comfort zone”, do I stop and return to where I was?  Can I cross the bridge?  All I can see and hear in my head is Donkey yelling on the wobbly bridge “I’m looking down!”  What will happen?  If I stop it won’t be good.  If I can push myself, drag myself, literally force myself to cross over this bridge where will it take me?  Can I overcome these feelings of discouragement?  I want to mentally, or do I?  I AM STRUGGLING!  BAD!  I’ve not been under 300 punds in years and it feels good.  I can not honestly tell you the last time I was under 250- college? maybe? I’m pretty sure my husband met me and married me above 250.  That’s a whole other discussion about this relationship. 

I am about to venture into territory that I have never explored or traveled-conciously.  I’m trying to stay positive.  I’m trying not to “cheat”.  I’m trying to not think that I have such a LONGGGG way to go.  I’m trying to still be encouraging to friends that I am so very jealous of now.  I am honestly happy for them and very proud of their efforts so why am I mad?  Guess I’m just so dang mad at myself that I let my condition get so far out of control.  I have to keep trying to think that I’m not doing for my husband, my kids, my family, a party or gathering (reunion, etc) but that I am doing it for me.  I’ve won some little battles internally to this point but this one keeps going on and on and on. 

I know I’ve got to do this.  I know I’m not giving up. I am worth it. I am doing it for me. 


5 Comments so far

  1. Yakulla on June 19, 2011 3:56 pm

    I just read through your blog. I really appreciate your themes and I enjoyed reading it. It’s really cool to see how your weight is declining through each successive post. Don’t give up–on either the blogging or the weight loss. It may be a slow process, but time will pass regardless of what and how you choose to eat; if you stay on track then you will be incrementally smaller and healthier with the passage of time, rather than incrementally larger and infirm. Even with a loss of just a pound a week, by this time next year you will be sooo much closer to your goals. And, if you end up not liking your much smaller self, I hear it’s really easy to just gain the weight back. 😉

  2. familyaffair on June 20, 2011 9:15 am

    It’s scary when you get outside of your comfort zone, that’s for sure! But think of all of the “unknown” things that are waiting for you! Donkey may have been looking down, but he got across that bridge with a little help. That’s one of the many things I’ve found here at 3FC. Help. Help to stay motivated & help to “deal with it”.

    You have done wonderfully, so far! 80 lbs. WOW! I can honestly say that I don’t know if I could have done that. I’m struggling with 25 lbs. Just remember that you are worth it & don’t do it for anybody but yourself!

  3. Irisblue on June 20, 2011 11:41 am

    I just found your blog via facebook (we’re connected). It saddened me to hear that you are struggling so — I know how that feels, as I struggle with this weight thing a good bit of the time, too. In reading through your blog, I began to think I could find my old courage to stick with what I know works for me — lots of meat and a little veggies (yes, I know that doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever found that works for me). I hope you know how much your blog helps other people!

  4. back pain relief on June 21, 2011 11:19 pm

    interesting insights you are sharing. I admire the way you are sharing it. Is there any way I could find out for more?

  5. gum232 on June 23, 2011 11:13 pm

    Any questions that you have please don’t hesitate to ask me. I want to help anyone that I can while getting and using any encouragement that I can and need!

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