I am tired of eating!

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Oh my!  HUGE HURDLE!  You don’t know a hurdle until you go to the best Asian buffet in our town.  Some friends wanted to go for lunch today.  What was I thinking?  Could I do it? Could I maintain control in one of the most tempting, scrumptious organized feeding troughs around?? No crab legs at lunch so it was cheaper but the enticement was there still and the mentality of “getting my money’s worth.”  The struggle was the hardest of eating a replacement bar or trying to make the best choices.  The stress level was so elevated.  Self-torment is an understatement.  It was mentally exhausting and practically debilitating and even was making me somewhat nauseous.

The options were running through my head - without even going to the bars for the visuals that I have embedded and memorized over the last few years.  Choices? Meat -Peel and eat shrimp - could work but lots of work involved.  DO I want to put forth that much effort?  Maybe? Maybe not?  Salad - sick of salad.  The thought of having to eat 8 oz of raw veggies just about makes me gag.  Needed some kind of vegetables cooked down to about 4 oz. without all kinds of syrup ridden, fat ridden, salt ridden juices that they are cooked and soaked in to help them slide on down.  Fruit - actually one of the few places, buffets, that you can get fresh fruit - so that wasn’t going to be a problem.

The decision, the long debated overly-complicated choice that was finally made… the hibachi bar.  Well I knew that might not be the complete best but I requested only the pepper paste seasoning.  Don’t think there’s really anything else in it like all the sauces. So there’s a line of people.  I would have hoped for an ideal situation being that of one where only my food is on the grill touching none others - steamed only, etc.  Do you think that happened???  Why of course it did -NOT!  Ugh!  I’m standing patiently, trying to avoid “eye contact” with the sushi bar attached to the end of the hibachi.  Don’t look! Don’t look!  I kept coaching myself and trying to stay focused.  It was the longest few minutes standing in that line.  I chose a little chicken and a little shrimp - hoping for about 6 oz cooked once cooked, and some mushrooms and sprouts - hoping for about 4 oz cooked.  Well, he cleaned the grill and slabbed on the margarine!  I about wanted to walk away.  Wow!  I am actually afraid of food now.  Crazy as that sounds.  He sloshes scoop after scoop after scoop of soy, terriyaki and garlic sauces all over the piles of food cooking around mine.  I resisted the urge to say anything and told myself that I’ll live.  Might shock the heck out of my body since I haven’t consumed anything similar in months. 

The scales came out!  WEIGH EVERYTHING!  To the best of your ability weigh everything that you eat is one of the best tips that I can give.  Whatever your plan is, with a digital scale - you can do it.  I was about an ounce over on the meat so I actually left some shrimp on my plate.  Say what???  No!  Yep!  I did - I left food on my plate!!  Who’d have thunk it?  I didn’t weigh the vegetables but it should have been close.  The juices were left on the plate too, with sparkling little grease bubbles floating around like polka dot globules.  I pushed it away!  Then, after weighing out 4 oz., I enjoyed some cantaloupe.

TRIUMPHANT!!!  I lived to tell the tale of the meal I chose at an Asian buffet.  Now the wait for the weight that is read on the scales tomorrow………  Been drinking a lot of water to hopefully offset any extra sodium that snuck into my body. Hopefully I can flush it all out without any damage.

So how do I feel?  Considering I have grown so tired of eating, I still have to feed my body what it needs which is mostly protein.  My serving size for now, with some options, is roughly 6 oz of meat.  Sometimes the mound of meat seems to swell with each bite that I have to struggle to eat.  I am tired of eating.  There!  I said it.  I am tired of eating!  But this is about my body and what it needs not what I need emotionally and mentally.  I can reach the overall goal by the end of the year. I want to do it.  I need to do it. 

I’M DOING IT FOR ME!

The “Passage”

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Thank you for reading my blog.  I thoroughly enjoy writing.  I hope you are inspired and encouraged in some way to become a healthier person.  I was thinking about “the passage”.  Thought I’d share some thoughts, feelings and goals with you. Wikipedia defines rite of passage as a ritual event that marks a person’s progress from one status to another.  What do you think?  I think you will agree that a journey through a huge obstacle, weight loss, deserves the title of a “Passage.”  Many changes will occur, many changes already have occured physically, mentally and emotionally on my passage to a Healthy Heather.  When you think of a rite of passage it is typically a child becoming an adult, a maturing, an understanding, a trust and a belief. So I want to share my thoughts briefly about a few things. First we’ll discuss eating habits and influences, next the torment and struggle from within and finally the mindset and attitude that is necessary for successfully heading down the passage.

Eating Habits and Influences

As I have mentioned in the past, I have never really been so called “normal” size to where I can look back at pictures of a skinnier me, as an adult, like some people can do.  It has been a life long struggle.  Before I begin I want to put out a disclaimer to my parents:  I do not blame you. I was not force fed.  I put the food in my own mouth.  Breathe… okay, I survived taking responsiblity and ownership of my own self.  Growing up in an eating household was very hard.  We were raised in the clean your plate generation.  I once read that you must let a child learn what is hot and cold and allow them to make the choice if they need a jacket/coat all by themselves so they learn their own feelings.  Just because you’re cold doesn’t mean that they are too and vise versa.  Well, so is the same concept when it comes to hunger and satiation.  Are you hungry when you ate?  Are you full yet?  STOP! Did you clean the plate because there are starving children in third world countries? Ship it to them! I know that was my thought with some foods. How many times did you have similar thoughts? I set myself up for weight gain by sneaking food too.  Boy was that just plain right out stupid!  I would eat reese’s cups, peanut butter chips and pringles as my staple hidden comfort foods.  “I’ll show them.” But what good did that do?  NONE! Today I don’t touch peanut butter on my program.  Even though I love the taste, maybe even more with a smidge of chocolate, I don’t know if my body will ever have any again.  But one things is for sure- I WILL NOT DIE IF I DON’T EAT PEANUT BUTTER! I will live and survive without it.  I don’t want to take the chance of triggering any set-back.  Other problem foods were Sonic onion rings and Burger King chicken sandwiches as a youth.  But can I sue them for my issues?  Why NO it’s not their fault that I couldn’t control what shouldn’t have gone in my body anyways.  I know those foods were the “worst” but yet the “best” at the time.  Buffets - what a crazy concept right? It’s an organized feeding trough for humans.  WOW?! What? Yep I said it - an organized feeding trough for humans.  Think about it.  Ever heard the acronym for Buffet? Big Ugly Fat Folk Eatting Together. Don’t get me worng, I have frequented many a “good” buffet but will avoid completely now.  I understand and except the consequences of poor habits.  The exoskeleton grew and grew.  NO MORE!

Torment and struggles

I couldn’t tell you how many names I’ve been called or how many looks I’ve gotten over my life, probably including yesterday, haven’t been anywhere yet today.  It’s never been easy being a larger person. Mentally it’s in the back of your head all the time, the awareness of your size. When you want to sit and are worried about the chair, swing, etc. much less anyone’s lap.  I was not as big as some people that I have seen.  Those are the ones that are truly inspirational to me, beyond their knowledge.  I want to be able to walk not to be confined to a wheelchair.  I want to be able to shop not in a scooter.  Some random things to dread- a turnstile, a cave’s “fat man squeeze”, roller skates and so many others.  I want to be able to do simple everyday tasks without my weight or size having to be of concern.  I always have wanted to do stuff that I couldn’t do before.  When I can try new stuff comfortably I am really looking forward to -test driving a Porshe (oh YEAH!), not having to be extremely self concious in the heat of the summer and trying to dress appropriately, not having to worry about going to an amusement park or riding in an airplane among numerous other things that “normal” sizers don’t think about and take for granted. If people love you for who you are your “exoskeleton” is invisible to them and they see right past it all.  I hope to one day fit into the normal sizers category but the difference will be the deep heartfelt appreciation for all the small stuff.

Mindset and attitude

A lot of people, including myself, have tried countless diet plans because that’s just what you’re supposed to do when you’re overweight.  Well yes and no.  Yes you might need to be healthier but no one diet works for every person’s body.  It’s not like the majority of people naturally look uber thin and gorgeous like in the magazines, tv or movies- come back to reality.  You will look like a much healthier YOU!  It’s the food that’s consumed, when it’s consumed, how it’s consumed and with whom it’s consumed with that makes a difference.  You have to make changes that will last you the rest of your extended life!   Yep you’re going to live longer when you are healthier and making better decisions based on what your body needs rather than what is readily available at any given time. Don’t have a “cheat day” because you’re just cheating yourself.  Don’t buy something just because “it’s a good deal” if it’s not healthy for your body.  Don’t consume so much food that your body will struggle to digest just to “get your money’s worth.”  My doctor years ago, after several discussions on surgical procedures told me that after 5 years there’s a 15% success rate. Can’t help but to instantly do the math on that one and say that means that there’s 85% FAILURE rate.  Not good enough statistics for me to risk my life.  If you can only eat 1/2 cup of food after procedures why not make that change without a procedure at all and make that 1/2 cup of food count nutritionally. Anyways, I refuse to do either the by-pass or lapband.  It’s a quick fix with short-term results. Congratulations to you if you are in that 15%.  You have to want to lose the weight for yourself.  Don’t do it for any one, any thing or any reason other than for you personally.  My mindset today is as strong or stronger than it was when I started my program, my passage. I want to step outside of this exoskeleton and rediscover myself.  I am an honest, caring, intelligent, funny, intellectual, creative and beautiful person no matter what anyone else says.  There are qualities that I have that make me the best me that I can be but now I’m working towards my body reflecting that as well. I want to exude confidence and happiness from every pore of my being.  I AM DOING IT FOR ME!

When you read any of my blogs and want to make a remark, please do so.  I’m interested and want to know your perspective or feedback.  Off to go through smaller clothes! 

(My Breakfast) Something to try:

1 egg scrambled with a tablespoon of water     2 oz shredded cheddar                                                       1/2 high fiber, high protein, low cal tortilla (45 cals)

Pour scrambled egg into skillet and swirl to coat entire bottom.  Cook for a minute.  Sprinkle on cheese.  Cover with lid and sit off stove eye. Fold like an omelet or place on tortilla and roll. Season with fresh ground pepper and natural sea salt.

Compliment Me Please!

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The fine line of being focused and obsessed is like walking a tight rope and wobbling like you’re going to stumble and crash - without a net!  Catch yourself!  Don’t let yourself fall!  It’s not, but it is, hard to believe, twelve and a half weeks in, that I have not faltered down the passage on which I’m traveling.  Soon I will reach a big goal towards the triumphant rejoicing of a healthy weight for my body to live a lot longer and be able to do more.  I feel a lot better.  I’m not putting any processed food in my body.  Only fresh or frozen fruit and vegetables, some eggs, cheese and LOTS of lean meats - chicken, turkey, pork loin, etc. go in my mouth with very minimal starchy items like flatbreads or melba toast. 

I have been feeding my body, and feeding my body and feeding my body.  Never have I ever NOT wanted to eat due to satiation to the point that I have to practically force feed myself.  My kids the other night were even cheering me on “Come on Mommy…You can do it!”  OH my gosh was that like the best words to my ears at the moment as stuffed as I felt I continued to feed my body what it needed.  It was genuine concern and heart felt support.  It’s not ever easy for anyone to admit that they need help, much less to ask for it and take it.  This has not been the easiest life change yet the best one ever.  I’m going down all the way this time - FOR GOOD! 

People are starting to notice.  I’m not one to typically want attention but my attitude and views are changing.  Compliment Me Please!  Seriously!  I need all the recognition I can get.  Praise is as hard to accept as help that you need from friends but I’m working hard.  I deserve it.  My office-mate said she prayed for me this morning.  How wonderful is that?!  I was deeply touched and moved by her kindness.  Accept compliments and encouragement gracioiusly and be certain to ask for their continued support and acknowledgement.  I think this is helping me stay on the path to my mini goal increments and will eventually assist in success.  It has crossed my mind how people are going to get sick of my way of eating but I really hope not.  I make it a very common practice to take my food with me to whatever function or gathering that I attend.  My family has gotten used to me organizing all my foods, spices, etc. and I appreciate their patience tremendously.    I’ve still got a long way to go but with compliments, continued support, and attainable goals, I intend to reach shed my “exoskeleton” by the end of the year.  If I stay focused I can do it - it’s possible.  I stopped making New Years resolutions long ago, cause you never keep them.  Next year might be a different resolution for a change?!?!

Thank you for any compliments, praise, encouragement and motivation that you can provide.  I need it.  I appreciate it. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME!!

 P.S.  I have noticed something, and seen it for my own eyes!  I couldn’t tell you the last time that I saw it, I knew I had one- I remember seeing it before and could only feel it the last number of years.  I can see my belly button!  Yep!  It’s there!  It’s crazy the little things that I’ve noticed, that I never really thought of before, missed or even cared about.  It’s great! 

If it’s too big…get rid of it!

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A crazy thought came out in a text today - I’ve been trying to lose weight for 30 years.  What?  Seriously?  Yep!  No skinny pictures of this ole gal.  I’ve always been “overweight”.  Hub met and married me this way.  BTW - speaking of getting married - I could probably fit in my wedding dress if I had it.  Didn’t want any potential children that we would have to have this physical condition so I bought it used and sold it after.  30 years!  Wow that’s a long time.  Doesn’t seem possible but it’s possibly even longer than that.  How many methods have I tried?  Do you know how many you’ve tried?  Kind of hard to sit and count huh? 

I’ve always said that there’s not an overweight person on the planet that doesn’t know what they need to do to lose weight but it’s finding the right method and support that work for you.  Well… I might have to take that back.  To a point that is true but after the last 3 months of changing my mindset, setting personal goals, staying focused (obsessed) and NOT GIVING UP, I could say that although the support is great and so on - it has to come from within.  Deep in my being I have the urge, the desire, the longing to be a healthier person.  I’m completely done - stick a fork in me (LOL)- with looking like this.  I’m a beautiful person on the inside and outside, it’s just that now is my time to put myself first.  It truly is a passage.  This is a passage, and a shedding of my “exoskeleton”, on a journey to the real me.  Walls have been built around myself, the true me, the person that everyone judges by the exoskeleton of obesity.  I’m really not a paranoid person and not one to typically care what others think but people judge you - no matter. 

Sometimes you know you’re the biggest person in a given group, party, situation, etc.  You might be scared to go and do certain things not knowing of the seating, etc. that could be uncomfortable, if you fit at all, much less, Lord forbid, that you break something! I refuse to purchase two airline tickets IF and when I ever get the courage and money to fly somewhere.  There’s a trip planned to go to an amusement park soon, talk about scary?!  I want to have fun too.  Paddleboats?  That could be interesting if I have the courage to attempt that. 

Well, anyways, back on topic… I cleaned out my closet last night.  Had clothes piled here, there and everywhere I think - pants, skirts, shirts, tanks, too big, don’t want, wrong season, good enough to donate and trash.  If it’s too big… get rid of it!  Hmmmm??? Can I cut these sleeves off and use this shirt over the summer?  What can I do with…? STOP IT!  I purged!  I did it.  Well the bags are ready to be carried off anyways.  TWO sizes down in 3 months!  Not too disappointed in that at all.  Not too disappointed in me!  I AM DOING IT FOR ME!  Don’t lose weight for anyone, anything, or any reason other than when you are ready.  Find the strength and focus from within yourself and stay on track.  I’m not doing it for new clothes, for being able to move around in chair and not fill it completely, to look better, or any other reason than that I AM DOING IT FOR ME!  All the other “stuff” is perks for successfully reaching short term goals towards the end goal.

 

 

My 9 year old hugged me!

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So I’m knocking 60 pounds now!  Wow!  I can’t believe how amazing I’m doing.  If I maintain control, which I should, I will hit 60, or more, by Monday - a mere 12 weeks.  INSANE!  I am SO focused/obsessed.  This week has been a little rough.  I had a work conference out of town so I knew I had no control over some of the food that I was going to consume, but I knew I’d make the best choices of what would be offered.  I wound up living off of condiment salads!  Huh??  Yep - a condiment salad- salad and tomatoes- you know, the stuff they offer for a sandwich, etc.  I’ve learned to eat salad without dressing but it’s definitely better with something juicy like a tomato or cucumber.  Eating was somewhat difficult for a few days for a few meals but I persevered and lived through it without stressing too much.  I lost atleast 2 pounds since Monday but weighed in the evening, instead of the morning, and you weigh heavier for some reason. 

Since it is Mother’s Day weekend, it was great to get home and see my girls, oh yeah, and my husband.  Our 18th Anniversary is on Mother’s Day this year.  He’s seen me in atleast 100 pound weigh range from size 22-28.  Ok, back to seeing my girls, they about knocked me down.  My 9 year old hugged me!  Guess what?  It might not seem like much, or stupid to some, but she could clasp her hands around me.  In her lifetime she has never been able to do that.  I’m so emotional anyways so I teared up with joy and a feeling accomplishment.  I am doing this.  I AM DOING IT FOR ME!