Recognition is a Humbling experience….

Posted by gum232 on April 30th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | 1 Comment

This past weekend was spent in Memphis, TN with 3 amazing support friends - Lisa, Trish, Trish (yes 2 of them!) and Jennifer.  I was recognized and honored as the Division 1 1st place winner in the state of Tennessee through TOPS, Take Off Pounds Sensibly at the SRD, State Recognition Days. You can visit www.tops.org to find out more.  I entered the Greatest Improvement contest where you could make a board with pictures to show before and after. I titled it “I will “YO” no more!” I included a mirror and the poem I wrote (a few posts ago) “The Reflection”.  I had copies that people could take with them of the poem, cards with different pictures through the process and my blog address, magnets that said “It does not matter how long it takes, just so long as you do not stop” by Confucious.  I had many people ask me questions and praise me along with taking my picture. 

   

This is the story that I had on the board:

For over thirty years I have struggled with my weight. I was “the fat kid” in school that people would torment. It was a miserable existence finding clothes that fit or looked decent, doing anything physical, gym-ugh!, not to mention the reverberation of countless names. I tried to hold my head up. Through the unhappiness I turned to God. To look back I don’t know if any of the footsteps were mine or if I survived solely being carried in Jesus’ loving arms. I wanted to just give in but knew I couldn’t.  The tribulation had just begun for decades to come.

Poetry and writing were great ways to release and express my feelings as I would hide in my room eating snuck in food – Reese’s peanut butter cups and Pringles were two of my favorite comfort foods. They were my friends. Well… now I know they really weren’t.  It’s amazing to reflect on the insight I had in my youth with the truth and connections that can be relevant to today. No matter through it all, I am still me – on the inside, the outside appearance doesn’t make me the person I am. 

I looked into both surgery options and decided that neither of them were for me. I didn’t want to alter my insides when I knew it was my mind that I needed to be in control of to make the right choices.  In 2005 a friend convinced me to visit and join TOPS. I won’t go through the list of methods attempted to lose weight, any TOPS member is likely to have a comparable list.  Yo-yo dieting seemed to be my thing, gain then lose, then gain and lose more again. I was always searching for that “magic pill” to make it all better.  I knew, as bad as I wanted for it to happen that I wasn’t going to be able to wake up “normal” one day, well, not without a lot of work and control, oh yeah and time. I’ve tried so many times to lose it’s hard to be positive to try again.

Last year a friend suggested I visit Metabolic Research Center, that their program had successful happy clients that they knew. Why not? May as well try it, up to that point nothing had quite worked…one last attempt.  On February 14, 2011 I made a conscious choice to change my life, to learn to love me again.  That was literally and figuratively the hardest door that I ever opened.  Was this the door to my future?! I had to make ME the focus. Not that my family and friends aren’t the most important people in my life yet after doing so much for everyone else I decided to make ME important too.  I wasn’t going to lose weight for an event, to get in any specific clothes that I wore years ago, yuck, but to possibly ride in a plane one day and to become a healthier Heather.  It’s my turn.  I’m doing it for ME! No one can do it but me, for me and by me. Trying to be positive, trying.

Over the last year I have learned how to nourish my body. I actually eat to live NOT live to eat anymore! I am closer to my goal now than I have ever been before. I go to MRC twice a week and TOPS once, keeping me extremely accountable. MRC provides me with nutritional guidance and encouragement, where TOPS fills in the gaps with great people facing similar obstacles while offering support, ideas, contests and celebrating successes. Not sure exactly what number/size I’m reaching for as a goal but I’ll let my numbers and body tell me when I’m finally, after years and years of being stretched to the max, there.  Less than 40 pounds away, maybe. I have found a method that is working for my body. Everyone’s body will respond differently to various diets, programs and plans.  I have learned that I can be in charge of what goes into my body. I have become very regimented on preparing for meals, often journaling what I’ll eat that morning, or the night before, and often times cooking and packing for more than just one meal at a time. I carry my food into situations that I am not sure of be it parties, conferences, holiday gatherings or the general unknown. I’ve even carried my prepared meal into restaurants before to enjoy a meal with friends or family, a little awkward but why not?! I gotta eat too.

Throughout this journey I have blogged. I hope that my situation has been, is, and will continue to be an inspiration to others. Trust me- it’s hard to believe that an extreme amount of weight can be lost but it can happen.  It’s happened to me- still in shock when I look in the mirror.  You have to realize and understand that you are important. Sometimes we forget that, I know I sure did. Take a card please if you are so intrigued and would like to follow my blog. I hope to hear from you.                                                            

Please look through my pictures.  As you can see there was a complete different look on my face. I didn’t realize that I felt as bad as I did and I despised being in pictures, perhaps you’re the same way. I guess I knew what I looked like but I was in deep denial, I mean DEEP DENIAL! If I didn’t look in the mirror I didn’t have to acknowledge the reflection of the person looking back at me. No one ever said anything to me about my weight but my doctor, but that’s their job.  Now there is a strong desire and need, mentally, emotionally and physically to be healthier and fit to survive longer and enjoy each and every day free of pain and discomfort. My life is just beginning. I feel like I have been reborn and given a second chance to try it all over.                                                                      

You have to do what you have to do for you. It’s not been easy by any means. I make choices to consume certain foods at specific times prepared in new tasty ways. My attitude and view towards food has changed. As long as I can keep this frame of mind I will reach my goal this time.

I will “YO” no more!

If I can do it, you can too.

 I’m doing it for ME and only YOU can do it for YOU.

You too can make this the year of “You” and

“YO” no more.

   

 

Below is a short speech prepared to be read while center stage as my before and after pictures were shown on the big screen. Recognition is a humbling experience to be up on the stage and acknowledged for my weight loss accomplishments achieve in 2011.  I even got a standing ovation!  It was difficult not to cry.

 

For 3 decades I gradually expanded from being husky to overweight to morbidly obese. The mental anguish was excruciating yet I continued to get bigger, not to mention the physical toll it took on my body being over 350 pounds and a size 30 at my largest. After trying countless diets, I became a member of TOPS in 2005 losing some weight but yo-yoing again.  What was I thinking? I wasn’t the ME that I wanted to be.

 

In February 2011 I refocused. Something clicked. I knew I needed to relearn to love ME after neglecting myself, my physical and mental well-being. The realization is that I am feeding my body. I am responsible for me and what goes into my body. There’s a fine line between focused and obsessed that I balance between daily.  TOPS helps me stay accountable with weekly support, only having 2 red marks last year! I’ve come this far, too far to turn back and close enough I can “taste” it!

 

I will reach my goal and stand proud this year to say the KOPS Pledge. I know I can do it and if I can you can too! I am doing it for ME! Together we can all Take Off Pounds Sensibly!

It was an amzing, fun, humbling experience.  I am proud of how far I’ve come but I’m still working to get to my goal.  I can do it.  I have to do it.  I am doing it for me!

Change for the better.

Posted by gum232 on April 9th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

How are you doing in your efforts? Are you awaking each day with an awareness of what you are going to do today? Do you plan your meals accordingly so you are within the limits of your chosen “health-style”? Is your support system available to you if and when you have a crisis, not the person that wants to meet you for a BOGO milkshake happy hour to discuss your situation? Make wise and healthy choices now to obtain success towards small daily goals that will enable you to strive towards bigger goals, that will compile to help you reach your overall goal.  It’s not as simple as it sounds but it can be done, no matter the amount of excess weight that you carry.  You can lose weight when you get in the right mindset to do so.  Find a method, or program that will be do-able in the long run, not a fad that will fade back into your old ways.  Make new choices and healthy habits.  It takes a while to break old habits, you know, the ones that didn’t help you to get you to where you are or where you didn’t want to be. Change for the better.  Make healthy choices and plan as much as you can.  Not planning equals fast and unwise choices.  Been there! Done that! And have the 4x clothes to prove it!  If any of this applies to you I hope that it sticks and that you stay focused on you, your health and your goals.  This is actually some of the thoughts and lessons that I have learned that have helped me.

I’ve been on this venture now for nearing 14 months.  I’ve lost 165 pounds.  I’ve dropped from a size 30 to a size 14.  I never expected this to actually be as “easy” as it seems like it has been overall and through it all.  I’m able to go and do so much more than ever before as an adult.  There’s a huge burden that’s been lifted - literally and physically.  I know I should not complain, and trust me I deeply appreciate everything and everyone that has gotten me to this point, but gosh I want the rest of this GONE!  Guess that’s easier said than done.  The biggest hurdle that I can’t seem to jump over is the crossing of that 200 pound mark.  It’s been so long since my body has weighed anything less I’m sure that it’s really confused and unsure what to do.  I’ve been trying to switch it up and do things different but seriously - I’m not giving in.  There’s goals to reach under that 200 number mainly being to restest to get off my CPAP, drop my serving size of protein from 6 to 4 ounces and to reward myself with a massage!!!  Well, we’ll see how it goes…. I’m going to try to do something that should really shock my body - meal replacements for a week, ugh, mind-control and self-talk.  I started today.  Now with one “real” meal for supper, I’ve got to figure out something really good to eat each night.  Hope to see a big loss by the end of this week, and even more gone by next Monday.  Now to focus my thoughts on something else and off of food………

Here’s a thought to ponder on, or actually an observation as to how I view myself and how I feel others view me now.  My confidence and pride have skyrocketed verses being the biggest person in the room, not capable of participating or ever wanting to.  I’ve become quite outgoing and willing to try different and fun things.  I even got on a couple inflatables lately.  Boy, I really missed out on being physically and mentally able to play with my kids.  Now we even purchased tennis rackets and are playing around.  So far there’s not much aim and control but lots of running and laughter, oh, and making fun memories. What’s interesting is to be involved in conversations with people that know nothing about my “past” and don’t care. It’s awesome.  I’m the closest to being “normal” than I’ve ever been in my life except as an infant!  It really is like a rebirth, a new ME is here for the world to see and to get to know.  It’s flattering to get attention and be involved in various activities that I didn’t feel comfortable trying or ever wanted to be watched while doing, sports, etc..  I’m really trying to get the most out of every day.  We’re not guaranteed the next minute, the next day or another year.  So now let’s see what else I can push myself to do? I’ve officially built a raised garden with high hopes of a plentiful harvest of scrumptious, tasty veggies.  You never know what I’ll try, where I’ll go and even what I’ll do now.  I’m anxious to experience what I’ve missed.  I am living life. I’m doing it for me!

 

The beginning is drawing near!

Posted by gum232 on March 22nd, 2012 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

For 13 months I have been on this journey, earning the rite of passage to normality.  What is normal though?  Is it a size? Is it a feeling? It’s for sure not what’s portrayed in most magazines. I’m still bulgy and round in places, real.  I’m working on it though.  I’m able to hide it quite well with the proper attire.  Never would I have imagined that at a size 30 that I could ever get my rear end in a 14, working on 12s.  Assuming that a 10 would be a great number to stop at maybe. 

I exceeded the 160 pound lost mark today!  It’s been slow getting there, but no matter - I’m there!!  The next hurdle is getting into the ONEDERLAND!  I’m 6 1/2 pounds away from having a one in front of my weight!  That is insane!!  It’s literally been decades since I was in the one hundreds. I think it was maybe 10th grade? Not too sure.  I understand that it’s got to be getting old for those around me.  One friend remarks about it being great how I keep losing weight.  A few praise how taking it off slow and steady will lead to long term success. Hope they’re right!  Others are still very complimentary but even to me it seems to be dragging on and on and on.  Guess that’s how it’s got to be since I had let myself go for so long.  I’m trying every day to reach goals to add to bigger goals, to reach the overall goal.  What is that overall goal?  I’ll let my BMI, fat % and body tell me.  A number is just that, a number, on a scale. I think I can go a full 200 pounds, putting me at 166. Weighing 206 today makes my goal exactly 40 more pounds to go.  WOW! After losing 160, 4 times 40, that doesn’t sound unattainable at all.  I assume it’s going to be a lot harder fighting my body from here on out, considering what I’ve put it through this far.  But I can do it.  I have come too close to turn back. I keep trying to switch it up, change what I’m nourishing my body with so the excess will be “burned” off and melt away.  Of course, that’s not to mention the skin.  Yep, unfortunatley, after being stretched out for 30 plus years, it’s not sucking back in.  Didn’t expect it to though. 

The beginning is drawing near!  The beginning of a life that I have missed out on in different ways due to physical and mental immobility.  I already have so much energy that It’s hard to even go to sleep at night.  Presently my next venture is….. looking over my shoulders trying to figure out who said it….. I want to make a raised garden.  Why not?  All the fresh vegetables that I eat - why not grow them myself and be able to pick them fresh?!  Lots of figuring out on how to construct the garden and when, how, and why to plant certain things at specific times, etc. I’d like to have my own asparagus bed too.  We’ll see.  I’m quite anxious for the summer to see how life will be.  I’m working hard to lose weight to become healthier.  I am doing it for me! Then comes the hard part of maintaining focus and not letting old bad habits creep back into the routine.  I’ve come a long way in changing up what I’ll eat now to lose. I’m sure it’s a whole new plan and state of mind to try to stop losing and to maintain. 

HOpe you are doing well and finding success in your own journey to a healthy you.

The Reflection

Posted by gum232 on March 8th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

The poet in me came out to play. Enjoy what I wrote for you today!

 

The Reflection

by: Heather Gum

I looked in the mirror and who did I see?

A stranger, not familiar, looking back at me.

Once large and unhealthy who struggled to get around –

In the reflection I looked, but she could not be found.

The discomfort and embarrassment of years gone by

I looked at the image and tried not to cry.

The weight had to GO for a rebirth of ME

To become the person I was meant to be.

I’m sorry dear body what I put you through

Forgive me I didn’t know what to do.

Countless plans and attempts were made to lose

Exclusion diets, extremes, many “here’s what to do”s.

The “health style” I choose to feed my body now

Is lean meats, fresh fruits and veggies prepared somehow.

The energy I had was absolutely nil at the start

Now I try to move when I can, it’s so good for my heart.

This foreigner that’s been living inside of me…

She was there the whole time living in misery.

I set out on this passage - to love myself again

“I am important” – that’s where to begin!

You can do it, keep going, are you sure of that bite?

Self-talk and encouragement helps through the fight.

If “the food” didn’t help to get you where you were

It won’t help to get you to where you prefer.

There’s focus and obsession to balance between

Stay on the edge and soon results can be seen.

Ask for help from those who love you, they do.

They want you to be healthy and live longer too.    

Look what has happened! In the reflection I see…

I’m finally doing it! I’m doing it for ME!

 

PUMPKIN BROWNIES

Posted by gum232 on February 29th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

I had to make these for my kids!  I did taste a bite and it was scrumptous but I did spit it out. I just can’t do it yet…. eventually….. :)  ENJOY!!!

PUMPKIN BROWNIES!

INGREDIENTS:
1 Box any flavor cake mix

1 can pumpkin

   

DIRECTIONS:

Combine ingredients in a bowl and mix till blended.

Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 mins till toothpick inserted comes out clear.

RESULTS:

Yummy and delicious, light and fluffy “pumpkin brownies”. 

TIPS:

Great with chocolate mixes. Superb with either carrot or spice cake.  Works with an angel food mix too.  Can taste the pumpkin more with yellow or white cake mix. 

(Used to eat this when on WW.  I cut into 24 pieces and was 1 point each.)

 

How can this be possible??

Posted by gum232 on February 19th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | 6 Comments

If you have been keeping up with my blog I appreciate you following my progress and for your support and prayers.  Assuming that you are on your own personal journey as well, I am hoping that you are finding success in your efforts.  From experience… persistance and perseverance will prevail! 

This has been the most emotional month for me.  I have been refocused and rededicated to myself for the past year, celebrating my year “anniversary” on Valentine’s Day.  I knew that I needed to learn to love myself.  Don’t think I’ve done to bad if I can say so myself.  It has not been easy yet has gotten more less difficult as time passes.  The way that I eat typically is a natural thing now, good habits have overpowered the not so healthy choices that I had made for decades.  However, we ate out today, which I usually try to avoid, at one of my old favorite places to eat.  They have a simple buffet but have the best fried chicken you’ve ever eaten.  I did it though - I survived without completely hyperventilating and passing out.  It’s amazing how much “self-talk” has helped me through this journey.  I ate a plate of salad (apporximately 8 oz) of fresh veggies with a little boiled egg.  I carried my “supplies bag” and sprinkled some ranch powder on top for flavor.  I then commensed to mutilate 2 pieces of fried chicken breast by removing all the crust and dabbing some of the extra oils out of the meat with the napkins.  NO I did not lick my fingers!  I seasoned it, or dipped it in the carribean citrus spice.  I also had a fruit replacement drink - chocolate - for “dessert”.  I only made one trip to the bar and ate slowly.  I was satisfied. I was successful and felt good after the experience, maybe a little deprived but triumphant overall.

Back to the emotional stuff… the last few weeks have been rather interesting with the realization of the progress that I have made.  I’ve lost over 150 pounds.  I have lost OVER one hundred and fifty pounds!  OMG!!! That is just insane.  It’s quite a feat when you take in the surrounding facts - mainly that I have been overweight for over 30 years of my life to varying degrees and I have done this without surgery.  I am in no way saying that surgery is the “easy” way out, but for me it was not an option - financially or mentally.  I love and enjoy food too much to only be able to eat a small amount.  If I made the not so healthy decision to eat a whole pizza, yes, I’ve done it in the past (more than once), I could make that choice and suffer the consequences.  For me, my doctor, years ago, who tried to persuade me to have surgery, said that their was a 15% success rate after 5 years.  At the time those just were not good enough odds.  Today I’m not sure of the long term success rate of maintaining the weight loss.  I do feel it necessary, and well earned to declare my success through the “hard way” though.  When someone loses a considerable amount of weight society, including myself, would think automatically “which surgery did they have?”  I claim IT!  I stand my ground and say no surgery because I have changed the way I eat and adopted a new healthstyle that is working for me and my body.

I’m at Wal Mart last night in the women’s plus size clothing.  I see all of these clearance signs and then it hits me - and it hits me hard - I don’t need to shop on that side of the store.  It’s quite hard to accept that I can look for smaller clothes.  I know that I’m in size 16s and some 14s but WOW it’s still just hard to believe.  I’m making it!  I’m doing it! So I’m going through the racks at Goodwill today (great place in transition) and as I am scavaging through the racks for the $.99 items I come across some cute things that I don’t put in my buggy to try on because they are too big?!? What? How can this be possible?  I”m not searching for the biggest clothes anymore.  After all of these years, after countless attempts, numerous diets and plans, finally I am able be successful in this process to rid excess poundage? I”m not there yet, but WOW does it feel GREAT to be this close!!!  I am doing it!  I am doing it for me!

Grrr! Don’t you hate plateaus??

Posted by gum232 on February 19th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | Leave a Comment

Oh my, didn’t realize this wasn’t posted.  It’s now up for your viewing. 

I know that I shouldn’t complain.  I know that I should be, and am, proud of my accomplishment to this point but Grrr! Don’t you hate plateaus??  What’s so weird is that I seem to be losing inches at this point but not pounds.  Physiologically that doesn’t quite make sense to me but I’ll take it.  I’m down 145 pounds and 8 sizes!  It’s all happened so fast and now I’ve been riding this plateau for a month…..  Something’s gotta give! 

I have been pushing my blinders out some and allowing myself some “new” things.  For 11 months I’ve kept it simple and straight by the program as to what I was able to feed my body.  I’m sure my body is saying “What in the heck is going on here?”. I understand that I need to let me body catch up in this process so now I need patience.  You know where I can find some?? As if it were bottled for marketing….  I’m quite thrilled where I am now but I’m not done so it’s just a matter of waiting it out.  Perhaps throwing in some changes has confused my body too.  We’ll see how the next week or two goes.  Trying to incorporate more physical activity but time is such a valuable thing that I don’t have enough of - at any given point of the day. 

If you open my refrigerator now it looks like a walking talking advertisement for Walden Farms.  What’s Walden Farms you may ask??  Check out their website www.waldenfarms.com.  OMG!  NO CALORIE products!!  Some items that I’ve got are marshmallow creme, chocolate sauce, caramel dip, strawberry spread, peanut spread, balsamic vinegarette, thick & spicy bbq sauce and pancake syrup.  For no calories, etc. I think I can retrain my tastebuds and my brain!!  I’m trying to anyways.  The best by far is the thick & spicy bbq sauce.  I eat a lot of lean protein and that ads a lot flavor.  I’m going to have to go buy a second bottle before long.  The pancake syrup is better than any reduced fat, low calorie syrup that I’ve ever had the discomfort of trying to eat and did “because it was good for me”. Literally I have gone in and taken a sip for something sweet - YUM!  The balsamic vinegarette is pretty good too.  I typically eat my salads plain but it’s not bad. I’ve just got to learn what I can and can’t eat in the real world within reason.  All I can do is try to do the best I can do and be the best that I can be.  I AM DOING THIS FOR ME!!

 

 

Please help me.

Posted by gum232 on February 6th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | 4 Comments

Well…here I am 149 pounds lighter than when I started this passage nearing one year ago. I’ve been on a plateau for a few weeks and it’s quite upsetting. Tonight I  saw Hannah Curlee speak.  She was a contestant/participant on The Biggest Loser season 11. How amazing to hear an abbreviated tale through her experience. She was quite inspiring and encouraging.  Yeah I’ll admit I cried. Such a sap I know. It’s such a personal, soul searching journey for each person who is overweight, all with similarities and sadness.

This has been a very hard journey and I’ve not reached my goal yet.  I don’t mean to sound negative but i’ve been so far and i am not there…yet. I look back and understand how far I’ve come and know that it’s a huge accomplishment to make it to this point. I know that I can do it.  I made it this far.  I can go all the way. I AM DOING  IT FOR ME! That might sound selfish but I am doing it for me. It’s for my physical health, emotional well-being and self worth.  For the longest I have blamed myself for letting my body get in the condition that it was in for three, yes three, decades. No skinny pictures of me- just varying ranges of fat. Ugly word but the truth sometimes is ugly too.  I’m not putting the blame on anyone or anything but I am owning it and changing it.  I am in charge of me- no one else. No one else puts food in my mouth. No one else can exercise for me. No one else can overcome my personal obstacles - but ME. Sounds good and easy, right? It’s a lot easier said than done for sure.
One of the things discussed tonight was - help. If you are in need of help- you have to ask. People are typically willing to help. I know I have been an encouragement that I didn’t quite set out to be but now I am asking- please help me. I have made it this far and I have been struggling. I don’t necessarily want to eat the wrong things but I think I am getting bored with the same routine.  I make & take my food everywhere I go. I know what to eat and have only recently been able to try new combinations and make up some recipes or try new ideas that I find and alter them to make it how I want it. Maybe that’s what’s wrong…my body doesn’t like the different stuff. I need help though. I need prayers and guidance to keep going. It’s almost like there’s a dead end sign hitting me in the face. My body is fighting me it seems. Once before, at about 80 pounds lost, I hit a barrier. I related it to the mourning for the weight I had lost. My protection and shield was gone. Now what?
I wrote a sentence to a friend today that I haven’t seen in a few months. It’s weird that people I know, that I know know me, don’t know me. Wow. To stop and digest that thought! I am me. I am the same me that I used to be but somehow I’m not. I like to think that I’ve become a better person with a new outlook on life. I really do try to stay positive but sometimes it’s not so easy. Is the old me fading away? Where am I? Who am I? Am I someone now that I like? I think so. If I’m not me then who am I to be? I knew this wasn’t going to be easy and boy was I right!
I am trying to exercise more and that makes me feel good. I can actually jog! Yep! Crazy huh? At an event yesterday the only thing that was tempting was the strawberries. What? Really? Man what a difference a year makes! (if you’re wondering, I already had eaten my measured portions.) I suppose that I have changed after so many years in such a state of misery that maybe the attention is too overwhelming, the difference isn’t just on the outside but the inside, my being, my existence is evolving to a condition that is unfamiliar and very scary. I did not acknowledge or realize that I was so unhappy and miserable before. I suppose it’s time to admit it and own the past as well.  Perhaps this is another mourning period? Let the grief be gone so I can move past that dead end sign.  Are these tears of joy? Sadness? Grief? Until I know I’ll just keep doing the same ole thing and hope my body will let me take it to where it should be, where it should have been for years and where I can find comfort, peace and contentment with my physical body.
P.S. I wrote this then went to the gym before posting. Crazy struggling and juggling all these thoughts. I did the eliptical for 20 mins about 4 miles then on to a bike for the rest of the hour for 10 miles with alternating standing and some hand weights.. I want this gone! Ugh

WOW!

Posted by gum232 on January 10th, 2012 |Filed Under ME | 1 Comment

WOW! Can you believe it’s already 2012?  2011 was definitely filled with trials, education, accomplishments with many goals set and reached.  What does the future hold?

Trials:

The biggest trial by far was starting this weight loss journey on a path to a healthier Heather.  Walking into the door of Metabolic Research Center was not easy by any means but had to be done.  I started on Valentine’s Day.  I knew that I needed to relearn to love myself after giving of myself for others over the last couple decades.  I apologize to anyone that is in my close circles of friends/co-workers that might have been, and are still possibly, affected by the life-style choices that I have made to improve my health.  Not much into eating out with friends unless I know I can eat where we are going or that I can take my own food or even eat before I attend various occasions.  I rededicated myself to my membership with TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) too.  After being a member for over 5 years, being the leader a few years, and losing and gaining, yep the old “yo-yo dieting”, I am determined to get to and maintain KOPS (Keep Off Pounds Sensibly) status. Why do I go to both?  MRC supplies me with nutritional guidance and accountability where TOPS supplies me with not just accountability but with support and encouragement for people trying to lose weight as well. This is the year that I will be the weight I want to be!!

It has been interesting how some friends have changed their view and attitude towards me and relationships have changed – some for the better and others have even ended.  I don’t understand.  No I did not want to go and do anything when I was heavy.  I did not feel like it physically much less have the desire to do things mentally or perhaps sometimes I didn’t want to be seen.  It’s not a pleasant feeling to go into an environment or situation to be the biggest person in the room or the one that can’t quite do things the same way.  Personally I feel as though I am growing as a person.  It is a rebirth. I have a second chance at LIFE! I am ready to live!

Education:

I have learned so much about eating healthy throughout my dieting history but now I am putting it to use on a daily basis as a way of life. All the little thoughts and sayings actually make sense to me now and mean so much: “eat to live not live to eat”, “if you bite it write it”, and so many more. I have analyzed myself and my thoughts more and more every day.  Why did I eat the way I did/do? What effect will certain foods have on my body? How can I successfully reach my little goals, thus in turn my overall goal? The way your body uses nutrients is well written in countless resources.  It’s finding which method or combination works best for your body to reach the outcome that you desire.  I have found what is working for me and I’m going to see it through to the end.  Food is for nutrition – NOT for pleasure, however you can make nutritional food pleasurable to eat.  I am feeding my body what it needs now – NOT what Heather wants. I would have eaten like a fool in years past during the holidays and gatherings but I have learned and changed my eating patterns in such situations.  I am in charge of what goes in my body and only I can be!

Accomplishments:

Where do I start with accomplishments?  So many things have been accomplished and many goals have been reached hourly, daily and monthly.  Keeping a food journal has been a HUGE help.  I have a journal of what I have eaten since I started this passage in February.  Setting realistic and attainable goals for each and every day gives me a feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day when I reflect on successes and perhaps a few setbacks too with which I am sure to learn and accomplish something with too.  Making meals, dishes, desserts, etc. that I don’t, that I WON’T, eat was hard in the beginning but now it’s actually become almost a challenge to myself to test my endurance and staying in charge.  At first it made me upset to come home and find that there was a cake baked in my absence.  Now I am becoming creative with the foods that I choose to eat and how can I combine them differently.  I eat A LOT of food- literally A LOT!  I’m almost to a point that I get to decrease my protein intake at each meal.  I’m looking forward to that adjustment though I’m sure it won’t be easy. 

There is a fine line between being focused and obsesses but through this experience I have to credit my accomplishments to being on the edge.  It’s like standing on the top of a fence and trying to balance between the two not to fall off.  This acknowledgement keeps me aware of not just the food choices that I make but of how I appear to others.  I did not care before.  I was hidden in my “fat suit”.  I did not look in the mirror thus I did not have to accept the way that I looked since I didn’t see myself.  Boy don’t pictures tell us a different story though??  I know the thoughts that go through my head when I would see someone heavy, however I never really “saw” myself that way.  DENIAL!  Now through this experience which will never end, I look at heavy people through a different set of eyes.  I might not know or understand their personal situation, health condition, etc. but I do know and understand the pain, the heartache, the struggles, the humiliation and the embarrassment of what they experience on a continued daily basis.  I have talked to several complete strangers about how far I’ve come and tried to make a difference in their lives or to at least bring an awareness to them that a change would be beneficial.

What does the future hold?

If there were a way to make everyone understand and commit to making themselves healthier and to let them know there is a plan that will work for their body this blog would be worth the time.  YOU can do it.  Forget about what you look like now and go forward.  You know how you got in an overweight condition so make changes, little changes even, that can add up to BIG differences.  It is humiliating to ask for help but don’t try to do this on your own.  ASK FOR HELP!  There are numerous support groups, doctors, weight loss centers and people that genuinely care.  It is a sensitive topic but it needs addressing.  Tough love!  The funny thing is to me that I am now the toughest person on myself.  I have to do this for me.  I am doing this for me.  In turn this has changed my capabilities and desire to try to do different things or even do things that I used to do in varying stages of obesity. 

I do intend to get to my goal this year.  What is my goal??  Is it a number on the scale?  Is it the way I feel? BMI? Well, I guess I will know when to stop when my body tells me to stop.  Sounds like a plan but I am not sure when to aim for that goal to be reached. I will take it one meal at a time, one day at a time, one month at a time until I am there. 

Thank you for your continued support, compliments and encouragement.  Every perspective, idea, remark and tip is appreciated.  I have a heartfelt appreciation for the girls at the Murfreesboro Metabolic Research Center and for the wonderful members of TOPS 0606.  I am eternally grateful. 

OMG! I have amazed myself!

Posted by gum232 on December 15th, 2011 |Filed Under ME | 2 Comments

For the last few weeks, as we’ve been planning on what to make for who, I knew the day was drawing near…. to make popcorn.  The last time I ate popcorn was February 13, 2011, the evening before I started my program, finsihing off the container.  Keep in mind when I say popping popcorn that I mean from scratch.  I have a Whirley Pop that you cook with on the stove turning and popping while being able to use a minimal amount of oil.  I used to pop and eat a whole kettle full while being lazy in front of the television.  At the movies I thought it was a given that you’re supposed to get it with extra butter.  Sorry, back on track, so I knew that I was going to make my popcorn for gifting for teachers, co-workers, etc. Could I do it? Could I pop it and not eat any? Could I withstand the smell? The Crunch? The saltiness?

I purchased the popcorn kernals, a 2 pound bag, and some oil about a week ago, leaving it on the counter.  I figured if I could see it that I would build up a “resistance” against it. I had to psych myself up to the challenge. Today, while everyone was gone - I faced my nemesis!  I had all the ingredients out, bowls, bags, everything set up.  I opened the bag. Turned the stove on and poured in the oil.  I measured the corn and heard that wonderful sound of kernals hitting the bottom of the pan.  What a beautiful sound:).  I popped a few batches plain then started the kettle corn………

OMG! I have amazed myself!  I had to test the flavor so I literally got a piece of popcorn and walked it over to the trash can where I commenced to taste and chew the popcorn to subsequently spit it all out.  It tasted okay but now I do understand the saying - nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.  I’m not quite to the skinny part, but I’m not wasting what I’ve worked so very hard to do at this point. 

Realization: the one “trigger” food that I felt that I couldn’t just wait to have ever again, I don’t “need” anymore.  I have defeated the popcorn!  Not that it ever did anything against me - but I really did do some damage to my body by consuming the quantity that I did on a fairly regular basis.  I know that now.  I forgive myself.  There’s nothing I can change from the past - I must move forward. 

Mentally I am in this to win!  I am at 140 pounds lost!  Was hoping to hit 150 pounds lost by the end of the year but don’t know how that’s going to go.  Keeping on track through MANY obstacles this holiday season.  I’m still trying and staying on my program.  About 60 pounds to go…..

I can do this! 

I am doing this for me!

 


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