I want to be the “Hot Girl”…
My journey to not be invisible and overlooked anymore! And as big as I am (was) I shouldn’t be invisible…
Posted grneyedmustang on January 24th, 2012 | Filed under depression, relationships, stress
So I have a confession…off and on for the last 3 years I’ve been depressed off and on about my dating life.
When I was younger, my parents stressed how much I needed to get and education (I can hear my mom now…when I was 15…keep your mind on them books and off them boys!) – and as I got older, focus on my career and the “rest will fall into place”.
So here it is, I am “kicking 35 in the throat” and I have no prospects. No kids, no boyfriend, no semblance of a boyfriend, nothing. I don’t even have a guy I could call a booty partner! (Not that that’s what I am looking for). So the catch 22 – I have educated and careered myself right out of a man, because now most of the guys want a “project”/”fixer upper” – or the good guys are already married.
All my life, I’ve set goals for myself, and for the most part, I’ve achieved the goals that I’ve set – which the exception of getting below 200 pounds, but that one’s a work in progress.
So the one goal that I’ve set – find a good man – I have not been able to achieve, and it’s driving me crazy. Literally.
I could probably compete with Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Cosmo with the library of books I have on dating and relationships. I have asked many of my friends to give me any feedback (no matter how brutal) on my dating behaviors.
I’m still coming up short.
The list of things that are “wrong” with me as my friends have given it to me:
- Too tall – nothing I can do about this one
- Intimidating (but I’m the nicest person I know! )
- Guys feel “insecure” with me because of my accomplishments
- Guys like to feel needed and they don’t feel needed with me because I don’t “need” anything (but I need love and companionship!)
- Not feminine enough – well I’m feminine when it counts. Yes, I have a BIG personality – I have a big laugh, kind of loud from time to time, sarcastic, corny, extroverted, and outspoken. Whoever I end up with is just going to have to love that part of me, because that is a part of me I’ve worked to develop and I ain’t changing it. (backstory here – I used to be really shy and introverted, because I had extremely low self esteem. Over the years I’ve learned how to “fake it till I make it” – and I still have self esteem issues.) – I will always be “boisterous and outspoken”, though.