Found out today I’m not losing it…

Posted grneyedmustang on January 24th, 2012 | Filed under depression, relationships, stress

So I have a confession…off and on for the last 3 years I’ve been depressed off and on about my dating life.

When I was younger, my parents stressed how much I needed to get and education (I can hear my mom now…when I was 15…keep your mind on them books and off them boys!) - and as I got older, focus on my career and the “rest will fall into place”.

So here it is, I am “kicking 35 in the throat” and I have no prospects. No kids, no boyfriend, no semblance of a boyfriend, nothing. I don’t even have a guy I could call a booty partner! :-) (Not that that’s what I am looking for). So the catch 22 - I have educated and careered myself right out of a man, because now most of the guys want a “project”/”fixer upper” - or the good guys are already married.

All my life, I’ve set goals for myself, and for the most part, I’ve achieved the goals that I’ve set - which the exception of getting below 200 pounds, but that one’s a work in progress.

So the one goal that I’ve set - find a good man - I have not been able to achieve, and it’s driving me crazy. Literally.

I could probably compete with Dr. Phil, Oprah, and Cosmo with the library of books I have on dating and relationships. I have asked many of my friends to give me any feedback (no matter how brutal) on my dating behaviors.

I’m still coming up short.

The list of things that are “wrong” with me as my friends have given it to me:

  • Too tall - nothing I can do about this one
  • Intimidating (but I’m the nicest person I know! :) )
  • Guys feel “insecure” with me because of my accomplishments
  • Guys like to feel needed and they don’t feel needed with me because I don’t “need” anything (but I need love and companionship!)
  • Not feminine enough - well I’m feminine when it counts. Yes, I have a BIG personality - I have a big laugh, kind of loud from time to time, sarcastic, corny, extroverted, and outspoken. Whoever I end up with is just going to have to love that part of me, because that is a part of me I’ve worked to develop and I ain’t changing it. (backstory here - I used to be really shy and introverted, because I had extremely low self esteem. Over the years I’ve learned how to “fake it till I make it” - and I still have self esteem issues.) - I will always be “boisterous and outspoken”, though.
So my looks and my weight were never mentioned. Either my friends were trying to be extremely delicate regarding my appearance (which I don’t think they were) - or those are not my dating issues, which is what I was inclined to think.
So I’ve realized over time,  this one area of my life is not perfect, I can’t control it, and it’s making me crazy.
I decided to go to a therapist, and I had my first session today.
For some reason, having someone tell me that it’s not “all in my head” and that I wasn’t “losing it” is comforting.
My therapist diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder with secondary depression and anxiety. I don’t know why adjustment disorder never occurred to me - I’ve had a lot of upheaval in my life in the last 2 years - I’ve moved 800 miles away from home and didn’t have any friends here, changed jobs 3 times, had a car accident, a medical “scare” - is that enough for ya!?
My next session is next week. I have the feeling I may eventually end up on medication, because my depression seems to always be “lurking” even when I’m not fully engaged in a depressive mood.
Working out does help alleviate it, but it has also made me realize that I’ve been in the gym pretty regularly because I’m trying to escape my feelings.
More to come - off to make dinner for the evening.


2 Responses to “Found out today I’m not losing it…”

  1. triinukene Says:

    Sounds like a familiar problem. My mom always used to tell me that “go getyourself a boyfriend!” (in my twenties) or never ever ever gave any help when I actually needed it (in my teens), but teased me with the rest of the family/friends when i was in love as a 13/15 year old girl, making me believe that it’s something to be embarrassed about. I could go on… but what I want to say is that the moment I realized that I actually do not need a boyfriend to be happy, I found him!:) The perfect one:) And I’ve heard (or read in bios) similar stories from other people - that once you’re happy with yourself as you are, once you feel you’re complete, you will magically find that Other:)

  2. laura89 Says:

    I’ve been reading your posts and I’ve realized that you were describing my life. Well most of it, substitute thriving career for broke college kid and it’s pretty spot on lol. But reading your posts it’s like oh my god I am not the only one I’m really not. I am too big all around and while I will lose the weight I can’t do anything about the height. So I’ve resigned myself to being asked to get things off the top shelf for people at the store. And I have looked into torrid and I was thrilled with the choices in lengths yay pants that aren’t too short! I also bought a pair of 4 inch wedges, I figured I already tower over folks what’s 4 more inches? Especially when the shoes are absolutely adorable! Anyways keep up the good work you CAN do the 10k don’t psych yourself out it’s not a fluke you are totally able to do it so go for it and screw everybody else who think oh she’s a “big” girl she’ll be easy to beat. No leave them in your dust it can be done! So good luck and go kick ass!

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