I want to be the “Hot Girl”…

I’m having a moment…

Posted grneyedmustang on October 27th, 2008 | Filed under General, depression, dieting, exercise, self image, weight loss

So, I’m having a moment today. Better yet, I guess it started this past Friday.

Firstly, I’m not happy with my life in terms of my career. I do okay, but I want something more in terms of my job. I can’t discuss a lot of it in a public blog, though, so let’s just say that on the work front, I’m feeling a bit restless.

Friday night, I went out with a friend and met a very attractive guy. I’m dealing with a lot of physical insecurity right now, so firstly, I was thinking to myself that he wasn’t really interested in me; that maybe I was just a “decoy” to get another, more attractive girl to hit on him instead of me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a number of strides in the self esteem department. At one point in my life, I thought that I was physically unattractive all the time. Now, most of the time, I think I look good; I look in mirrors every chance I get to remind myself that i am pretty. I’ve placed pretty pictures of myself everywhere I go (on my phone, at home on the wall, in my cube) so that I can look at myself and be pleased with what I see. I’ve even had people tell me that I was vain because I look at myself so much. I wanted to tell them the reason I might “appear” to be so vain, but everyone doesn’t want to hear your life stories all the time, so I usually give them the cute teeny bopper giggle and say “I’m not vain” in that high pitched annoying girly voice and go on about my business. Even though I’ve made strides in the self esteem/self image department, I still have my moments, and I definitely had a few of them this weekend.

Back to the guy - we exchanged numbers, but I have this rule where I will NOT initiate the first call to a guy. If he doesn’t call me, I don’t call him - I think it’s a way of gauging his interest. Well, I haven’t heard from him. I guess it was nice to pretend, for just one night, that this fine guy was actually interested in moi. I’m back to reality, though; and feeling very ALONE.

Saturday, I went out with some friends, and my friends have all commented on how much weight I’ve lost. As of today, I’m down 34 pounds, down to 243 pounds. I can see my collarbones if I stand a certain way; I think the last time I saw those was back in 2005. Later on that evening, I’m dancing in a mirror, and I did notice that my upper body is significantly smaller. But the wrong things are shrinking!!! My boobies are leaving me!!!! I happen to like my boobs, actually, so I don’t want them to go! I think when I started WW again in May, I was a 42DD. I haven’t been measured, but there is a LOT of air in my bra cups now. I’m guessing I might be a 40c in terms of bra size. I think I’m going to go to JCPenney this weekend and get the official measurement.

You would think that since my boobs, my feet (I can wear size 11 shoes now!), my fingers, my arms, and my legs are shrinking significantly, the one part of my body that I want gone - my belly - would be shrinking too, right? Well, it’s shrinking, but it seems to be the part of my body that’s shrinking the slowest. I remember looking in the mirror on Saturday and thinking to myself that my stomach is still huge. I really hope and pray that my proportions change, eventually, and my stomach goes down to a normal size. I remember reading somewhere that when you lose weight, oftentimes, your individual parts shrink, but your proportions stay the same. I WANT MY BELLY GONE. I know you can’t spot reduce, but I’ve been focusing on cardio, crunches, and anything that might help my torso. I JUST WANT IT GONE!

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the gym, but instead, I stayed home and wallowed in self pity. I don’t know why I felt this way this weekend. So I sat at home, eating crap I had no business eating (Godiva chocolate covered cashews, anyone?) and just thinking about what I need to do to feel better about myself, and ways that I can project the image of confidence. I started watching this show on VH1 called “The Pick Up Artist 2″, where they take a group of nerdy guys and try to turn them into smooth-talking, confident, attractive guys. I feel like I need to go on a show like that for women…well, women aren’t supposed to “pick up” guys, but maybe a show where they take women like me and make them over into the confident, flirty, and sexy women that they would like to be. Maybe I need an image makeover? Well, right now, I’m actually without weave, so I think that I’m working on that whole ‘image makeover’ thing. But how I feel about my looks is only part of the problem, which losing weight is making me realize. I really need to determine things that I can do for myself to feel more confident, to feel self assured, to feel like not everyone is judging me based on my looks. I had gotten really good at it back in 2005; I don’t know why I’ve lost it? Maybe it was a few bad interactions that I’ve had with the opposite sex this year. Maybe it’s hormonal…my good ol’ friends estrogen and progesterone can do some awful things to the psyche. Maybe I’m just lonely? I haven’t had a boyfriend since 2003 so maybe I’m just going through one of those “why am I destined to be alone” phases. Maybe I’m just long overdue for my “feel bad about myself” day. Anyway, today, I’ve decided that yesterday was my “feel sorry for myself” day. Today I’m going to eat right, exercise, and feel better about myself. Today I’m back on track - continuing my journey to become the “hot girl”. You know, the girl that steps in a room and has this “magnetic energy” that attracts everyone to her. The girl that steps in a room, lights up the room, and everyone just wants to be in her presence.

I want to be the hot girl. I’ve never been her, not totally, and I want to be her. I WILL BE HER, one day.

When I played basketball, I had this basketball coach who always said we had to end our practices on a good note, by having someone make a free throw before we ended for the night. Well, I’m ending this one on a good note…

I’ve gotten to where I actually enjoy running on the treadmill in the gym. I usually walk a minute, run a minute, in intervals. When I started, I would start my jog at 4.5 and usually end between 4.8 - 4.9. Now, I’m starting at 5.0 and ending between 5.4 - 5.5. I am definitely making progress there! And I don’t know if it’s because I feel that I’ve accomplished something or I like the feeling when I step off the treadmill, but I am actually enjoying my runs on the treadmill. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I’ll make it to 6.0!

I also had a physical about a week ago, and here are my numbers:

Fasting glucose: 98 (less than 100 = normal)
Cholesterol: 181 (less than 200 = normal)
HDL Cholesterol: 49 (greater than 50 = normal)
LDL Cholesterol: 115 (lower than 129 = normal)
Triglycerides: 86.0 (lower than 150 = normal)

Everything is normal! Woooo hoooo!!!! Keep up the good work!

Until later,
-p